Day 199 - Exploring Indecisiveness

I have had trouble making decisions for a long time, so I can safely say this is a large point that I can't get out thoroughly in one post. I've spent a lot of time these first < 200 days opening up points, and not really sticking to one and walking it through to completion. I aim to become more specific and focused in the coming days, but for now, I continue to expand on what I've found with my initial investigation of indecision.

First things to mind are a fear of the future / making the wrong choice / making less than the best choice for myself. In this I discovered that I have always been primarily considering what is best for me. Anything that ultimately served my self-interest was how I made decisions.

Couple that with doubt / fear of making the wrong decision, and we have indecisiveness. The way I've framed it is a step backward into uncertainty from the perspective that my choice is already made: that which best serves me as a mind consciousness system organic robot human.

So, when I discovered Desteni just over 3 years ago, I went into existential shock and started to fit in the concept of acting in the interest of what's best for all. Had I not been all into spirituality and reading a book called Oneness by Rasha, I probably would have more readily rejected the Desteni message. Anyway, in this transference process of self-honest, self-investigation, I'm finding a lot of crap that I never wanted to ever take responsibility for. Thanks to me as life, I am here, walking out of my mind through breathing and this writing process.

What I have deduced from this little exploration: Indecision can be used as a flag point for self-interest. Best for all decisions are common sense and could be termed "the responsible thing to do." And indecision and mind chatter is likely me fearing that I can't figure out what is the best choice for me.

Interesting. I just ran this through testing: Sit here and write this post vs. Watch a TV show called Touch with my parents. I find that the internal debate is only in mind as thoughts accompanied by feelings. I would like to go watch television and allow myself to relax and enjoy a nice, easily-consumed story. What is best for all is me facing me. I chose to delay again, and I suffer the same consequence of having to miss out on whatever. There is also a distinguishable flow to writing that happens in contrast of the choppy indecisiveness, but I'm not ready to explore this point yet. <- Doubt that I should have ever written that. Almost deleted. It stays.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move into a mental chatter about should I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making the 'wrong' decision as defined by what is not best for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can make a wrong decision. There is only the choice of self-honesty in every moment. Do I try to deceive myself within this, or do I do the common sense option.
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When and as I see myself trying to mentally figure out what to do, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am either trying to justify self-compromise, or I am choosing to support what is best for me as an equal as life. I commit myself to further investigating indecision in the context of when it arrives, and to breathe some common sense into all my future decisions.