Day 210 - Shifting Motivation Source

I'm beginning to realize more the extent to which I've been relying on time pressure to get stuff done. This whole delay system fuses and takes over when I am not directing myself. I've started by writing and working with mostly the outside layers, that which is readily apparent. I yearn to dig deeper but have been reluctant primarily because I don't think I have the capability to completely uproot and disintegrate some of these more deeply ingrained patterns. It's an illusion.

In reality, I have the tools and the knowledge required to work with myself, investigate myself, find and release the personality patterns that do not support me and what is best for all. Yesterday, I went a little deeper into this overwhelmingness factor that stops me from digging because there is too much to dig. Another illusion. The only way to clear the giant pile is with one spade full at a time. So, this form of resistance is actually manifesting the underlying fear: that I won't be able to do it. I'm effectively rendering myself ineffective through allowing this fear to move my body to put down the shovel and think "too much."

Today, I want to apply this dynamic to really shifting my motive, my focus within this process of self investigation. Apathy has taken hold, just a little bit, but that's apparently enough to have me place this process in a similar position as I did with school work. Something to dread and delay until the last minute, where I would then be forced to produce work.  So my motivation has been determined by time. Why?

I've lightly discovered that it has to do with an externalization of reward. When my work is clearly benefiting me, I have no motivation issues. I really enjoy getting ahead of the life game. Interesting.

So, here I am. A new, shiny Destonian, pushing through resistance and writing about who I am. I'll admit to writing (quite a bit, actually) about who I'd like to be. And in this, I've essentially been rushing to get to the end result of self-change. There is an anxious thing going on here. And this anxiety, this haste, this desire to B-line it to the end, it's not effective. I am manifesting failure and then allowing that to amplify my fear of failure = discouragement. All illusion.

So what's the bottom line here? I've got an externalized source of motivation problem. I must bring it back to self. When I'm doing something for me: boom, bam, presto, done...er, well, the first thought that came to mind as I typed "boom, bam presto, done," was a flash image of another giving praise to me for having completed my work well. So, I guess I've even convoluted my internal motivation. And look here: I've been walking process for myself, and also I have misplaced my motivation within that, thinking that this blog is a necessary, expected piece of work. So there's a flipply-flop going on here, and I need to sort this erroneous perceptive out because it's affecting my process progress.
cc
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define "doing work for me" as that which yields praise from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach importance and priority to another giving me praise, where in this I have been motivated to do work / self-improve only when I get praise from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within external praise moments, real and imagined.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought-image of another praising my work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought image of another praising my work to importance/priority, that which motivates me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to externalize my motivation through this thought of anticipated positive feedback/reward from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach praise to primary motivation. Wow, through this I have made many decisions. (next thought is: extent of participation, then will take patience to clear this system)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I've accumulated thoughts attached to feelings that affect my decision process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this process must be walked for me alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I've externalized my motivation within process. Delay -> Time -> For Others. If I am truly walking process for me, then I won't be waiting until the last minute to produce a blog post in haste, where I am not the directive principle. Ah, yes.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to be my own directive principle within walking this process for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I can't walk process alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need external sources of praise to accomplish work, not realizing how my motivation is misplaced. Bring it back to self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be more proactive about my self investigation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place process in the same relationship design as I had with school work, where I made a choice to submit to the system because I saw the benefit and that benefit was an external reason. I've always been highly passionate about the work I do for me, and I would say that I'm partially in this process for me from that perspective. I am passionate about self-improvement. So there is certainly a bad association here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate Desteni I Process with any external motivation in the form of mental images of praise.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be motivated to work at DP and write within this JTL so that others will praise me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to do DIP and my Journey to Life for me.
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When and as I see myself postponing work in general, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have the tools of self-discovery and am able to figure out why I have resistance toward the work. I commit myself to pursuing this self-investigation in relations to resistance, FOR ME.

When and as I see myself thinking/imaging some form of praise to find motivation, I stop I breathe. I realize this is not stable as the polarity of low/no motivation arises out of sourcing motivation from others' reactions. I commit myself to learning what true self-motivation is, step by step, not getting frustrated with myself if I don't immediately become a "self-motivated god." haha

When and as I see that my motivations are wacky and/or misaligned, I stop I breathe. I realize that the thought, "I can't figure out why my motivation is missing/misplaced," is an illusion of mind in the form of resistance. I commit myself to investigating the motivation point until I am clear and stable within self-motivation.