Day 201 - Fear in being Ineffective

This is a fear that must stop. The whole perfectionism disease where one prevents oneself from trying as to avoid the risk of failing. I identify with this some areas, mostly pertaining to my reflected self (judgement from others), and in other areas like skateboarding, I saw failure as motivating to get up and try again...this appears to fit the polarity design: +/- of acting on/in fear.

For the moment, I'm going to dig deep into the negative aspect of fear disabling / halting me from attempting something new or unfamiliar.

Additional perspective found here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fixation on perfection as defined by  how others perceive me. Within this fixation, I feared being seen as less than perfect. I imagine myself in a karate school, and the only time I would go into the middle to fight is if I was certain I was going to win, so that no one could laugh at me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of others laughing at me and in that feeling inferior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to how the crowd might perceive me. There is a "but" here. It is, but the crowd's opinion matters from the perspective of a collective majority vote.Could this fear of failure/noneffectiveness be the reason we don't speak up? Yes, at least for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid to speak up / ask questions / voice opinions / record a vlog because of fear of ridicule. In this is fear of nonacceptance by the crowd, fear of others attacking me, fear of nothing happening (back to the original point: don't try, and nothing is guaranteed).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that these self-forgiveness statement won't do anything, and within this fear I have created a doubt resistance toward the forgiveness process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to even try doing something that is unfamiliar to me because I fear others' perceiving me to fail. Ah. It's less of a fear of failure from an internal standpoint, hence my skateboarding example. It's a fear of failing from the public / others who don't know or accept me.

Cool.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing friends I never had through creating a bad first impression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  fear the groups reaction to my attempting something that I'm not perfect at.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to be perfect before I subject myself to public judgment. Pushing my self to write this blog from Day 1 has been an exercise in this. I didn't know how to write a PUBLIC blog back then. Now, my confidence is rising, though I have been delaying the next step of cleaning up the appearance and user-interface of it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  feel like I have to have everything about my self-expression "the right way," as to fit in with the crowd. (Day 198)
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When and as I see myself afraid to try something new/unfamiliar because of how I perceive worry others may judge me negatively, I stop I breathe. I realize that behind this is fear of loss, fearing that I will lose in the context of being liked, fearing losing an opportunity to have my reputation go up / leave a positive impression, on strangers specifically. I commit myself to walking out all the details of this other-oriented fear to try things that I am not the master of. It will be an exercises in humility.

When and as I see myself within resistance toward writing a post or doing anything that is public, I stop I breathe. I realize that I do not have to compromise myself/my reputation by recklessly publishing my self-expression, no. I commit myself to practically applying myself to the best of my ability and not let an internally created experience of fear of judgment stop me from directing myself.

When and as I see myself not acting because of fear of failure, I stop I breathe. I realize this is just a mental occurrence that plays on my past memories and feelings to keep me in submission to fear. I commit myself to breaking these ties to fear of others' opinions of me so that I may work effectively toward what is best for all life.

When and as I see myself not speaking up or voicing my opinion because I fear ridicule and negative group judgement, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is an allowance of an inferiority complex within myself. I commit myself to start expressing myself more in public settings, forgiving the points of resistance that come up.

When and as I see myself resisting to write a blog post, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am here for me. I commit myself to writing for myself and others equally, and exposing any superiority/inferiority backchat to continue to diffuse the charges that have kept me silent.

I realize that fearing to be ineffective is what is keeping me to be ineffective. I commit myself to stop this pattern of manifesting my fear without realizing my participation within it as the propagating factor.

Future points that came up while writing:
  • fear to clean up blog's appearance ("gotta do it right")
  • polarity of fearing publishing = desiring publishing (special or different than side-journal wiritng
    • both are for self, should be no significant difference for practically walking process
  • Ego block: humble vs pride (self-reflection in others' reactions)
  • "Best for all" protection blanket.
  • Superiority complex = talking too much; words are energetic, not self here