Day 200 - Getting Deeper

It's time. On Day 40 - Depth and Specificity, I conducted an initial writing of this pattern. Today, I'm going to investigate, and get specific within the general motion of going deep into my patterns/behaviors, into what I have accepted and allowed. Why? Because the mind is specific with how it is created. Specific occurrences and reactions throughout our lives is how we built our belief structure.

A fact I recall learning in college psychology was how when we form a thought/opinion about the way something is or operates, we tend to focus on that which confirms that we were right the first time. It's an ego thing. We don't want to admit we were wrong, so we would rather collect data that supports our initial guess.

Where am I going with this? Through investigating my reactions, I intend to trace the source-origin of the reaction. It's not always immediately clear because I'm so caught up in the dynamic energies of the mind. I find it's rather difficult to stay focused and will me to move through backward through my casual relationships/reactions in the mind because "what's done is done," right? Haha.

So there is definitely a resistance to dig up the past, especially when there is stuff we'd much rather not direct our attention to. Alas, I must go there. We all must go there to understand ourselves today.

Especially in the beginning days of this JTL Blog, I figured that as long as I was writing, I was "okay" or "on track." To an extent, this was correct, but all along I vaguely knew that I'd have to be going deeper into myself to unravel the layers of self-conceptualization. It's time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize what is involved in going deep into myself to discover how I have become me today. This includes: high effort, focus, principle, will, breath, and persistent self-forgiveness, tenacity, and of course, writing. I don't think I could do this all in my head. That'd be like trying to clean my room by picking stuff up and throwing it over my head. haha, I'm funny.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the time of day to write out my mind as I see it in action. The investigation has begun, but I might only be considering about 2% of my mind on a good day. Committing to write everyday for 7 years seemed like a lot before I started this endeavor, and now, I realize that once a day is just the minimum amount of writing required to start really getting to know myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dread going deeper into a specific pattern within my personality, finding it to be dull, painstaking, tedious. It's so much more enjoyable to remain skipping along the surface, writing about what patterns in my I recognize. Why do I avoid depth? First to mind: fear of failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will not produce any results if I try. In this I realize that by not trying, I am most certainly not producing any results. There is a relationship is discouragement here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become discouraged when I do not have success. I forgive myself for allowing myself to have given up pursuing the study of Mathematics because I was no longer the best in the class. Why? -> I only wanted to do what I could easily excel at. 'Excel" defined as relative to others.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself through only pursing that which I was naturally better than others at. Through this I could protect myself from negative judgement. This relative-success character, has predominantly defined the path of my own creation of my personality. This is a new realization as a result of going deeper. For the sake of specificity, I will address this character later.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize this writing process is like a tree, where as I go deeper, the roots split, and split, and split again. So, to stay focused linearly is a challenge but not necessarily. It is about continuing to travel deeper and noting all that comes up along the way, so that discovery happens at the same time as the process of staying focused on the initial direction of inquiry.

Key point: Side tracked vs focused. Focused while noting side-tracks..ah ha! In this, there is impatience & fear of loss.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so impatient with myself that I feel the need to discover ALL of me as soon as possible. It's an energetic high of discovery. And before I realize it, I'm way off my focus point. Why is the discovery so attractive? I don't want to lose it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing insight. I forgive myself for believing that I won't be able to remember what I had just discovered. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in "now or never," practically applied within the thought that "I might not have time to get around to my new discovery if I stay on track."
When and as I see myself delaying my written self-investigation process, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am here for me, and that getting ahead implies a necessary look at my past. I commit myself to slowing down to look backwards.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define "looking backwards" as negative. Queue it up!

When and as I see myself not giving myself the time of day to write out a through investigation of even a single point, I stop and I breathe. I realize this form of resistance is intertwined with not wanting to go deep and actually face myself as the past casual chain of accepted and allowed behaviors/perceptions. I commit myself to recognizing fear/resistance for what is is as nothing more than my own creation. Through this, I commit myself to forgiving myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate and simultaneously empower self-creations of fear/resistance that do not serve me in my process of taking responsibility for all points of self-creation.

When and as I see myself deviating along a side-track, I stop I breathe. I realize that the most effective way to proceed is by taking note of the secondary point and finishing the primary task. I commit myself to moving through the realization of the task deviation, to place the secondary task on a side list (see example below) and return to a focused persistence within the primary task.

When and as I see a point that is unclear and/or become overwhelmed with the multitude/complexity of self, I stop I breathe. I realize that there is time so long as I give myself to the time to complete one thing at a time. I commit myself to improving my steadfast focus on one point at a time. I commit myself to going deeper and noting the discoveries along the way. I commit myself to breathing when the overwhelmingness energy diminishes my attention,, and from that breath, I continue with the ONE, primary task.

Goal: Build habit of investigating with depth and specificity, actually.

Opened pathways for future investigation:
  • look backwards with negative association
  • relative-success character
  • difficulty with perseverance
  • resistance to this process of noting side-tracks / desire to follow them
  • Afraid to fail / perfection character