Day 197 - Resurfacing Resistance Patterns

If this post is being displayed wonky for you too, you can read it more clearly here: http://forum.desteni.org/

I find once more that there is really no way possible to permanently the points that haven't been completely walked. I was aiming to open up my relationship toward yoga today, and I started going into a sorts of various delay patterns. The primary starting point was that of fearing my writing will not be good enough, acceptable, or that I won't effectively express the entire point all at once.

Then, I thought about writing about the resistance that I was experiencing. I did so in my side journal. I found that there is an intensification of the points that are not yet cleared, and so far, in general, I have not been going deeply into one point at a time.

There is a theme of increasing resistance as I hone in on the particular point. Today, as I sat to write I became overwhelmed by the attempt to conceptualize my entire relationship to yoga. Again, I am taking on too many points within it, and from there I go into fear that I won't complete the deprogramming of that one GIANT point, as if I had to do it in one post.

How did I react to the resistance this time? All the same old patterns started popping up:

- Ease of going into another thought, accompanied by nail biting

- Sleepiness

- Food and/or candy

The key difference between then and now is that I stuck to my commitment to write about the resistance I was experiencing, instead of just allowing it to guide me. Through the writing I realized that these old habits of resistance are my go to outlets for avoidance and delay: Personalized Escapism.

So, as a continuation of Day 183, I am finding that I can't just walk through all of my resistance points on one level and be done with it. Point by point, I have to give myself the room, the patience to pick apart one point, and make a stable commitment of self-change from within the working realizations I find. Being general within my writings was my adaption of being lazy. Like today, I would allow the resistance reactions to take over, and only at the last minute find the will to get out a quick post. It's not a point that I want to beat myself up over. I just want to get my act together, so to speak, and get real with myself.

I'm not here to prove that I can get a post published everyday. I post everyday because I can better see when I fall into energy.