|...like these weeds from flickr|
While I was outside pulling weeds, I had the thought that 'oh, this is going to take forever,' but I started anyways knowing that the only way it will get done is if I start doing it. Sometimes, the overwhelmingness overrides the common sense of just start working to get it all done. I have a bit of both in me and I see the contrasting orientations toward work in my parents. Mommy get frustrated and overwhelmed; Dad steps in to save the day with his "one bite at a time" philosophy. I flip flop depending on the day or type of work.
The bottom line is, I'm getting sick of struggling with resistance. It's a self-compromising allowance, and I'm going to hit every resistance point until I am stable in solidifying my decision of who I am in relation to completing my work. Thanks for the perspective Anu (20)!
Ok, so to the specific point of the evening. I want to capture the nature of this perspective shit, and move into related forgiveness (direction set :). There is an unclear attempt to conceptualize the whole. To quantify the whole. So when I am faced with some massive or tedious work, I try to fit it all into my brain and during that process, I give up. I become defeated by the extensiveness. "It's too much." And then I don't move to make any practical steps of completion. Quite silly, actually. This discouragement that arises out of trying to move to quickly through a process, IN MY HEAD, before I even start physically working on the task at hand.
Why is the inclination to capture the whole picture before starting? Ah, there is a key here.
This is why writing is so effective for the self-realization process. It gives the opportunity to conceptualize and quantify the bigger picture, AND THEN, one can process the realizations to produce real self-change. And here I am. I've been pushing through layers of resistance ever since I started this Blog. So easy to allow the overwhelmingness program to take over and shut me down. I say NO MORE!
(Just now, I went into the resistance, so obviously, this will not all happen all at once, as I repeatedly hope for it to work like that. I want each thing I look at to be fit into one moment, over and done. Instead of realizing/identifying with the step-by-step, moment by moment unraveling process, the tendency is to try to do it all, understand it all in just one moment. Mind.)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to conceptualize and finish work before I start a physical process. In this I understand how I have been trying to "fit it all" in my head, with the excuse that only then can I start working on it. The past pattern is such that I give up in this stage of wanting to grasp all the steps or required work, and only when time constraints force me to work, do I physically do the work. So, I end up producing a lesser work, or rather a work that is not purely representative of my expression, because it is tainted with haste.
Within this self-forgiveness process, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delay/resist my writing. I have been putting it off until the last moment because I do not want to actually face myself. I have not yet really stood up for myself purely, and it might be awhile before my motivation within this is pure. But simply allowing the repetitive procrastination to invade in on my process, not cool Dan. I commit myself to sort this out. What exactly does this entail? A plan. I can't continue to delay and pump out posts on a whim, and then hope to be successful. That's not taking responsibility.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought "it's too much.."
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act within the thought "it's too much.."
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that large/complex tasks are "too much," before I begin a physical process of discernment either through writing or taking the first few steps. I obviously can't trust myself to make decisions in my head. They are too biased by predictive programming as thought/feelings/emotions. Until I am stable in my application of or alignment with what's best for all, I commit myself to investigate through writing what is necessary within my decision to take on work in a moment.
When and as I see myself procrastinating, I stop I breathe. I realize who I am in that moment is making a statement that I am directed by my mind. I commit myself to standing up and directing myself from a clear starting point. OOoo, a key point that I see more clearly now.
Within my commitment statements and and self-forgiveness process in general, I am afraid that I will not be effective in producing real self-change. This is a struggle for many of the walking destonians, I'm sure. It is no more than another program of self-doubt. What I have just realized was the extent to which it is limiting me. And it's very related to this whole big picture/small step thing. The fashion of how it pops up varies, and specific forgiveness will be required for each...and yet there is another form of resistance, which is also tied in: the tendency to generalize and capture the whole thing all at once. Breathe.
A lot will come up as I investigate. I know this, yet I am still taken aback with the information overload sometimes.
When and as I see myself overloaded with information and trying to process it all at once, I stop I breathe. I realize that through writing, I am able to return and break down what I have written. I commit myself to diagramming my process. I've wanted to do this for awhile now, and now that I'm reaching a more serious level of application. It's time to start really making this a priority. I am figuring me out and I'd like to chart it visually. That's what I'll do.
When and as I see myself trying to fit the whole process into one moment of consideration, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can only move as fast as space-time will practically allow, so no more rushing in my head because that typically renders me useless as I give up before a practical step is taken. I commit myself to slowing down, pacing my process, and giving myself more time of day to work with myself in understanding who I am within my daily events.
Ok, getting to be kind of a long post. Thanks for reading.
The linked interview above is highly recommended for newer Destonians struggling with resistance.