Day 205 - Loss of Control

Been examining resistance more deeply today.

I realized that the words like procrastination, delay  and resistance are mush to broad and general to use within the required specificity of this self-forgiveness process of releasing this energetic pattern. They are more initial, umbrella terms that serve a purpose, but just don't go deep enough.

So in light of my recent developments in examining resistance patterns and today being Valentine's Day, I'd like to cover two points that I found a connection between.

With the experience of resistance toward work there is this negativity association with work that I don't want to do. While writing about this in my side journal, the first point I came to was a loss of freedom to do as I please. So I've built a resistance toward anything that takes away my ability to do as I immediately please to do.

- And now -

Resistance toward Love. In my past Valentine's Days, I used to merrily go about using this excuse to treat a lady nicely (to get her to like me). What's interesting here is that I would willingly compromise my freedom (and wallet) to cater toward presenting a likable image of myself for another human being. In this, I am doing what I wanted to do in self-interest of making the girl feel special so she will like me and give me the attention that boosts my ego and I feel good about myself having another being that digs me.

Happy Valentine's Day ;)

As I grew up out of middle school,  and got into my first (& only 1 year long) relationship during highschool, a sense of wanting more came up. My focus was shifting toward wanting to better my self and my future. The girls started holding me back. In this, I developed a relationship of self-compromise within relationships.

I've held a belief that I haven't been ready to start writing about my relationship dynamics within process yet mainly because this point has been so central to who I've created me to be as a personality. I long resisted participating within the Desteni group for about 1.5 years because I was afraid to give up my lust for women. Sounded ridiculous from a college kid's perspective. I digress.

I created resistance toward relationships for the same/similar reason as I did with work, loss of control. Once I found myself in a moment of having to do something other than what I would like to do in that moment, I wanted out. I really have been uncomfortable with a loss of freedom.

So, today I've exposed a giant resistance point that wasn't clear before and connected it to another point within my past relationships. For Valentine's Day, I give the gift of self-love as self-discovery, and I share it with you.

I am not included to pump out any quick and light SF right now, this investigation will continue to develop and you can expect SF and CA (corrective application) statements tomorrow.

Flickr photo credit