Day 192 - Why the Excuses?

"I'm so physically exhausted, I'd rather not write today."

My fingers can still move, so this is obviously an excuse. Why is there resistance? Well, at least I know that discovering why isn't more important than just pushing and willing self to write. Maybe the resistance is related to my initial excuse, as in, "I've already worked hard enough today." But, I can still do more, so in self-honesty, I'm dealing with laziness and excuses.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to uses excuses to attempt to justify my laziness. I realize that in a moment of self-honesty, I cannot cheat myself with a selected perception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to hide from myself that I am being lazy within my reluctance by readily accepting any available excuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take the easy route and do the bare minimum. I have realized that this won't cut it in this process of self-purification. The bare minimum work ethic really has no place here. Let's open this up a bit:

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     I have become well acquainted with just doing the bare minimum in relation to school work. Why? Because that all I had to do to go unnoticed and be successful. Also, I justified this brand of work ethic through the perception that school wasn't for me, but forced upon me. When I got to college, I was able to keep this up through the perception that this system only serves as a required portal into the society of 1st world people that were accepted by other 'higher ups.' I had always been more focused on my own personally directed line of study as it was for me and more interesting. I thought that I could be in and of the system, yet rebel against it at the same time. I did this by advancing/applying my 'smarts' toward innovation, creativity, dreamy business plans, and most importantly the spiritual/unseen realm. Interesting. I think this orientation came from wanting to be the best and having failed at that in the later years of school, I was trying to get my edge, my advantage over my peers, and I went for this by studying the less studied stuff. School was too mainstream and I wasn't going to be able to break free of the constraints if I stuck with that program. So, I decided to just get by and justified this by really applying myself elsewhere of my choosing. The problem is, now that I know where and why to focus my attention, I carried over the habit of procrastination, excuses and doing the bare minimum. And now, I know why.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to externalize process.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have made this process about something outside of me in/as/though the institutionalization of Desteni.

Oh boy, key realization.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame Desteni for my choosing to walk this process. By stumbling into their videos on YouTube 3 years ago, and not being able to discredit their message without being self-dishonest, I created a decision framework where I externalized my choice to continue: I remember specifically thinking "well, I've defined myself as a truthseeker, so I don't really have a choice to stop now." And this is the departure point. Other externalize reasons such as "this needs to be done for others," somewhere allowing a disconnect where 'best for all' conceptually didn't consider me. I tried to layer over this, but I never addressed my initial externalized framework for deciding to carry forward within my relationship toward Desteni. I never actually took a moment to undo the relationship frame to Desteni. Desteni is still separate from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to relate to Desteni in separation of myself, not realizing that in doing so, I made my process about them and their 'noble' and 'higher' mission. In doing this I, I allowed the bare minimum framework to plug right in, as my self-directed pursuit of Truth had turned into something more.

To be continued...