I've reached an insight that I can really work with.
Note: I commit myself to not work this up and have it turn into a temporary energetic high. (Note2: I may have already, keep flag set for this point of externalizing motivation source)
The culmination point of my writing efforts. I credit myself, Anu 152, and one of my critical friends. Myself for investigating this point for what was starting to seem like forever. The EQAFE interview for that final push of insight regarding self-change and who I am in process. And my friend for asking, "why don't you work in a soup kitchen?" I took this question into consideration to find a motivating concept I now coin: The soup kitchen opportunity cost evaluation of time usage.
Through in a bit of self-reflection in my side journal, and out comes a familiar realization in a new light. It's essentially the same points I found in Day 192 at the beginning of the month. So consider this post moving from discovery into application. So what is this (kinda) new realization?
I walk process for me.
Simple. Said it before. Today it clicked. This sentence is a note to self. And so is this one. I get it. You the reader can have fun reading, but that's your deal. My deal is am I writing for me in a way that practically assists and supports myself in realizing what I've accepted and allowed, so that I may effectively walk the specific process of self-change. Release the pattern and correct it. Self-forgive and live the correction.
Now, this is not the end of the road. Realize. As I typed "live the correction" right up here ^ I saw the mind move with backchat like "not always so easy." These points will be investigated. Who I am within the writing of these new laws of self, will be investigated as resistance arises. For now, a knock-out push of processing my realizations of the day.
|-- Not For School --|
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to aim for the bare minimum level of effort/work required to walk process. In this I now see that my starting point is in separation of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place emphasis and the ultimate importance on how the external feedback judges my work. Life has always been about getting the good grades in school or getting others to praise me for doing "good work."
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire others telling me that I am great at what I put my efforts to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need for this kind of positive validation from the hidden starting point of insecurity within me and my relation to my creations.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form a relationship toward the Desteni group where I have put them in a similar position in my mind as I had with my grade-giving teachers. I believed that as long as I was getting positive feedback, I was doing great.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize this separation and its implications.
I forgive myself for not realizing myself as the only measure of self-honesty and self-trust that is relevant.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others' validation of my effort is required or needed in any way to be self-honest.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself with being self-honest. Obviously, this will take time to facilitate as I break down the relationships, definitions, separations and limitations within myself. I commit myself to giving myself the time to do so.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay work that is for others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realizing that I am only delaying my own process through procrastinating self-support points such as this writing. It's not what I do, but who I am within what I do. Why am I delaying? I give myself permission to take a break within a clear starting point of self-honesty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take breaks and delay facing myself, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate who I am within my resistance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have lived my commitment to walk process for myself through never have fully understood it meant. If I do not understand 'walking process for self' entirely, then I commit myself toward deeper understanding of where I am separating myself from my process within the context of motivation. In self-honesty, can I say that I am stable within a choice to support what's best for all, or am I still trying to hold onto the self-interested pursuit of separation and inequality for power/sex/etc.
When and as I see myself placing my process in the category of "must-do for others and/or their perception of me," I stop I breathe. I realize this as a form of self-manipulation where I utilize a mentally constructed ultimatum to motivate myself from an external source. I commit myself to realizing when I am trying to manipulate and motivate myself from or through an unstable, external source point.
When and as I see myself unmotivated to walk process, I stop I breathe. I realize that none are free until all are free. I realize that there is still famine and poverty in the world. I realize I could be in a soup kitchen. I commit myself to pushing through the resistance of self-correction, so that I, sooner rather than later, become a stable point of living oneness and equality and able to take on more responsibility.
When and as I see myself resisting process for any reason, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is not failure. I realize that I am effective within my process on a point-by-point basis, and I commit myself to not allow resistance to turn into doubt and discouragement before I investigate the experience and pinpoint thee specific source.
When and as I see myself getting by with less than 100% effort put into my work, I stop I breathe. I realize that there is resistance inside of me. I commit myself to locating that resistance and moving with it into correction, not fighting with it. I commit myself to stop the internal battle that fuels the resistance, gives reason to it. One system of internal resistance is moved into self-direction with a simple instruction and follow through. Will I let the friction guide me away from it or will I understand it is only as powerful as my belief in it?
When and as I see myself expecting positive validation or receiving praise, I stop I breathe. I note my reaction. I commit myself to applying immediate self-forgiveness for the allowed experience in relation to my externalized judgement of my creation of work.
When and as I see myself performing work for others, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am here by my choice, and thus I am to blame/credit for my position. I commit myself to bringing myself back into myself as I work, realizing that my work is for me, and when it isn't, to stop, breathe and investigate my allowances within the specific work relationship.
Thanks for reading, but as you now know, this is for me to stand up and support myself as life, and for all to bear witness. Thanks to me for being here. If you aren't yet supporting yourself effectively, leave a comment and I'll temporarily provide some support for you to get on your feet too :)