Day 447 - Hooray!! I'm grateful for...

This life!

When I express the word 'hooray' (def: used to express joy or approval) inside of myself, gratitude comes up with it, so I thought I'd dedicate this post and ask:

What am I grateful for in my life?

The connection from hooray to grateful is interesting in itself. When I look at the feeling if it, it's kind of stored as a memory, but like a picture-archetype of a group of people all going "hooray!" after hearing news of an accomplishment or victory to which they all had contributed their blood, sweat and tears.

I connect 'hooray' to joy as gratitude, especially in a teamwork setting. And what I'm most grateful for, is what I most enjoy. So, without further adieu, my

#GratitudeList:

- Connection

First it was Mommy, we all know that. Then they cut the cord. Dad; eventually I became grateful for my brother.. Friends. Beings exchanging words....or more. It's this idea of understanding myself through others, 'two or more in my name. 'What are the similarities? the differences? Who am I in relation to another? Is one of the questions that I'm most grateful for.

- Education

Learning and the ability to learn. To understand and be understood. The process of familiarizing ourselves with what's here. I've not really been able to commit to a single area of deep investigation, (other than DIP), because everything is so fascinating. I'd be wise to calm down a bit, and focus my attention more, because specialization of applied understandings, is where the money's at.

By focusing education, we have access to create more value for the world, and fair compensation should be expected. It's the natural way. Not all education is perfect, and I tapped out of Academia after my bachelors to pursue a deeper understanding through...

- Vocabulary

Learning words has been nothing short of everything when it comes to learning new things. At a young age, word acquisition was one of the greatest ways we could apply ourselves, for it was a very powerful tool for getting our needs met. More words, more specific requests, more power. The early childhood education vocab lays the foundation for our thoughts, and thus, what we will create in our lives, over and over and over. Fascinating: how we kind of outsource our thoughts to the mind, automate them, and then we get stuck in weird thought patterns that just aren't helpful anymore, if they ever were!!

The more vocab words, the more choices of thought at my disposal. To all who played a part in my journey of realizing the importance of words: Thank You. I've realized it's not too late to be bound by our current vocabulary level, no matter where you're at, you can improve - and it's as worth it now as it was when you were 2. It's a big world out there, and we're all missing it, because we can't see beyond our own vocabulary. Learn Words.

- Body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse and forget about my body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to entertain the mind, over my body. I.e. binge eating candy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dissociate from my breath, heart and living flesh, so I can go on a vacation in the mind for some energetic stimulation addiction.

I commit myself to take a breath, slow down, be with my body, cry if I need to, learn from my mistakes, and commit to new awareness.

I commit myself to eat better, to cook my own food more often, and to consider the long-time point of view for everything I ingest.

I commit myself to a daily routine, to honor my body, through exercise and stilling the mind from time to time.

I commit myself to honor my body.

- Me

None of this would be possible if it weren't for me.

Thank you Daniel, you've made many good decisions in your life so far. Keep it up! Don't let yourself get stuck in a rut. You can do what ever you set your sights on. Thanks for sticking with me, as me. We'll get this done! I believe in me.

Thanks for reading..

- All

(this is now a comprehensive list, goodbye)

Day 378 - Redefining LOVE

I've investigated this topic enough to confidently restructure or redefine what LOVE is to me. I'll start by describing what love seemed like to me before I ever knew I could consciously define this inner experience, implying that I subconsciously defined it from the examples in my life.

In my Day 375 - What is Love?! (Baby Don't Hurt Me) post, I briefly described some of the experiences that I associated with LOVE, but there is more dimensions to it. One example that comes to mind is this sense of care and completion. A past girlfriend I had seemed to provide this feeling of fullness in my chest. It was very relaxing and enjoyable. I never experienced "head-over-heels" love or "This is the One" love. Every one of my relationships in my past never contained that perfect mutual experience of love that you see in the movies. I never fully trusted my feeling of LOVE because it was never solid or stable.

My journey through all the emotions and feelings associated with LOVE could be written about for a very long time, but the underlying theme was instability. The relationship dramas of positive feelings and negative consequences all stemming from desires and fears all seems like water under the bridge given a bit of time. This alone should be enough to question the validity of mainstream/Hollywood love, despite how real it can seem in a single moment.

The Desteni message rather harshly kicked me in the face with some common sense perspectives I resisted extensively while I was still enthralled in my pursuit and desire of perfect love. I wanted to be special and awesome, and then have that be validated by a significant other. Desteni put me in my place with the reality that I'm not just automatically special. I'm just a consciousness programmed (ego) to think I'm special so I can justify abusing and mistreating others in My Name. So in relation to LOVE, I was willing to give it only if I would get it in return. My love was conditional. I gave it to get a particular feeling I desired. Bluntly, it was a game. This is not LOVE.

LOVE is only real if it is stable and inclusive of all beings in the world. Think about it. Unconditional LOVE can't be defined or determined by just a few people in your immediate world and reality. Then it would be dependent on those people. Essentially, you would be blaming them for causing your experience of LOVE or HATE. To stabilize LOVE, it must be rooted in and as Self. It must be an expression of Self that is not dependent on external circumstances.

True LOVE is supporting Self and Others, equally as one, to reach our highest potential of ability and expressive capacity in the physical world. I am learning how to really LOVE for the first time in my life. In the agreement-relationship that I am now in, my life partner and I are supporting each other to specify and define our expression of LOVE in this world. It's a process, and it's taking a lot of work. It's not easy or automatic like a mind consciousness system instigated relationship love. It's a commitment. Whatever the challenge, we are able to communicate and find the solution.

"an ‘Agreement’ is Not something that is ‘Rosy’ in the beginning – it’s something that’s required to be ‘Worked-at’, ‘Looked-at’, ‘Lived’ ‘Moment to Moment’, in an ‘Complete and Total Understanding’." - From When are you Ready for 'Agreement'?

LOVE is physically supporting each other in our process out of the preprogrammed consciousness, to develop an equal and one relationship with our physical bodies, and world.

More Resources:

EQAFE: 

What is Sex - Love as Sex (Part 1) - Part 35

What is Sex - Love as Sex (Part 2) - Part 36

Matti Freeman:

Day 245: How Love got Lost in the Matrix - Part 1

Heaven's JTL:

Love and Fear Tug-of-War: DAY 483

Pictures:

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anatomy heart

Day 368 - Releasing Body Image Attachment

Wikipedia: Masculinity

This is one of those posts that I resist writing because I have an idea about how it won't get finished, it won't be effective, or it's too soon to make this process point public. I'm not standing for my mind to tell me how to behave anymore. If I see a point that I need to address, do I really want a fear of incapability to direct me away from the process of true self-change. Any significant and real change is a process. Which leads me to ask myself: Am I going to continue to allowing my immediate self-judgment mechanism sabotage the process of self-change before I even start?! Trust me it gets old. Save yourself the time and just push yourself to focus on physically verifiable moment-to-moment progress. Today I start with just a small chunk of this personality system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about how others make judgments of my physical appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a perfect body image so that I will have an easier time being liked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be liked without making an earnest effort or investment in my personal relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be desired, and within this be able to get closer to beautiful girls without having to initiate a conversation and risk being rejected.*

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to work out within the starting point of wanting to look more fit and have a 6-pack.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place personal value in how I look, where through doing so, I define myself by my appearance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach value to a mental construction of beauty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a socially constructed concept of what is beautiful or ugly, not realizing that I'm reducing my perception of others to an extremely superficial relationship. This is not how I want to be treated, thus I must stop treating others this way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate my appearance to the value of my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that who I am as one and equal with this physical reality has nothing to do with my appearance as rated by a societal standard.

*I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to consider the dynamic of fear of rejection within my motivation to become better looking, that I have hidden my fear of rejection behind a wall of positive feedback about how I look.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself through others' compliments, where in I become more confident when someone would say I am handsome.

I forgive myself that I never accepted and allowed myself to look more closely at this dynamic of processing compliments on my physical appearance. I know that I have always felt a little awkward when I get a compliment, and it looks like I have been trying to conceal how this affected my self-concept because I didn't want to admit that I do define myself by and through my physical appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ignorant about my participation in the beauty/ugly polarity mind construct, and so have feared/desired looking a certain way and have judged others for how they look.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reduce my perception and reality of other people down to a snap judgment of sex appeal, completely missing the opportunity to form an authentic connection with another (piece of myself).


When and as I see myself judging another based on their appearance, I stop I breathe. I realize that there are many physical indicators that inform me about another, but limiting my interaction with others because of imperfect physical symmetry is unacceptable. I commit myself to unconditionally open myself up to others, and investigate when a reactive judgment takes place within me. When this happens, I commit myself to write self-forgiveness and release any attachments to the pre-judgment construct in my mind. Ex. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my pre-judgments are valid and correct without being 100% sure, and I commit myself to make a physical effort of communication to assess an individual.

When and as I see myself sizing up myself or another on the scale of beauty/ugly, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a mind game, and it's a severe limitation on reality through a narrow perception. I commit myself to align my starting point in social interaction within a stabilizing breath, and to no longer allow my judgment of physical appearance affect who I am while interacting with anyone.

When and as I see myself overwhelmed withing this mind construct of beauty/ugly judgment, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is just a mental usurpation of my awareness based on past perspectives, desires, fears, etc. I commit myself to stabilizing myself when and as I see that I am affected by my secret mind's judgment about another's appearance.

As more comes up in relation to this mental phenomena, I commit myself to write and walk the process of understanding myself as this mental phenomena first, so that I can take responsibility for creating with and through it, then forgive it and let it go. Who I am is not a mental judgment. I no longer support this system within consciousness. I will support myself in stopping my participation within it first, and then when I am stable within this one point, I commit myself to support others to see this point for themselves when the opportunity arises.

Thank you.

Day 206 - Freedom Forgiveness & Exploration

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my freedom to act how ever I choose in any moment, and thus have created resistance toward decisions that might compromise my ability to act freely.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be scared of losing control of a situation be it because of forceful consequence or creating discord between self and other(s). This is a huge point that I need to further unpack.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel unable to address such a large point as this, not realizing that I can give myself as much time as I need to sort myself out. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and race through process from a point of comparison.

Okay. With regard to the 2nd SF statement, why would I lose control of my free will in any given situation? 1. Given: homework, Answer: disconnect between choice and desire through time
2. Given: in a group of peers (playing soccer), Answer: Don't want to let them down / inconvenience them
3. Given: Relationship, Answer: Fear of leaving bad impression

Well, I've sure opened up a lot with just this! Workin' it through:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate my past choices from my present choices. In this, I see the disconnect occurs because of energy fluctuations: either because the past choice was unstable/energy based, or my present choice is unstable, energy based. So, in the case of doing homework, I defined my choice to go to college separate from myself as breath. I went to college because "that's the standard society expects of me" and "to have a good time (socially)." I can see here my past choice was not for me, but externalized. Also, my procrastination was justified by 2nd intention which was for me (to have fun). Cool. Opening up. Expanding.

For the second and third scenario, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to require positive validation/judgement from others to define who I am. This in a deeply ingrained fallacy. I believe most humans have this condition because we are taught in school of the concept: looking glass self (see image #1).  One of the primary components of this concept is, "We develop our self through the judgments of others." (Yeung, et al. 2003). This is not our true self as breathing life. This is our mentally reflected self. So the concept is right, the definition of self is where everything gets messy, especially since Desteni message popped up on the internet.

image #1 (from wikipedia)

Now, I see a connection between all of these above scenarios. Loss of control happens when I am already out of control. That disconnect between my past choice and present choice is not consistently congruent because I was never stable within my choices. The choice was fluctuating based on energy and self-interest. Much like "wanting to have it all," I hadn't realized that I am my past AND present choices, not taking responsibility for all of me. Bam!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to evade the inevitable self-responsibility and accountability of my past/present choices. I now realize that this is a major component of delay/procrastination. Riding the tides of self-interested energy is not practical in reality, and this is how things get out of control. We are out of control.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for all of me, all of my decisions; past and present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand that it is me who has been robbing my freedom.
--
When and as I see myself making a choice that is accompanied by a self-interested, energy fluctuation, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am responsible for all my decisions throughout and across time. I commit myself to writing about when I have not taken the time to consider the consequences of my decisions, for in these moments I can discover the egoist program that moves with energy , delete it, and make room for the best for all choices.

Note: I just took a writing break and was amazed at how much/often I am moved by self-interest energy. I practically commit myself to at least acknowledging them, and I realize that only through writing can I decipher an event, find what are the motivating energies, and release the pattern through self-forgiveness and precise commitments. In this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take the commitment statements seriously, as they are to be a new, written law of self. To be lived practically, in stability. Breath is the point of stability that connects past, present and future.

When and as I see myself resisting the writing of commitment statements because am unsure of my ability to uphold them, I stop I breathe. I realize that the only reason I would do such a thing is because I am not living my words, my words are not purified, rather based in energy. I commit myself to exploring the resistance toward making real commitment statements, and to stop creating energetic/unstable commitments to myself. Perhaps this issue may also pertain to being too general.

When and as I see myself out of alignment with a past decision, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can explore my past decision. I commit myself to giving myself the freedom to create a new starting point within a choice that may have once only considered what was best for me.

When and as I see myself experiencing an energetic low of consequence, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a prime moment of self-investigation. I commit myself to writing about my experience and asking myself: how did I get myself into this situation? What decisions did I make? And why did I make those decisions? After these questions are answered, I commit myself to a steadfast process of releasing the patterns that lead to the unfavorable consequence through self-forgiveness.

When and as I see myself (becoming) overwhelmed because of a large point that I have opened up, I stop I breathe. I realize that "the only way to eat an elephant, is one bite at a time." I commit myself to pacing myself within my own process. I commit myself to stop trying to race to the finish of process. Lao Tzu once said (probably in another language): "Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished." So, like this, I would like to calmly pursue purity of self. To be investigated.

When and as I see myself avoiding or resisting a choice that will limit my sense of freedom, I stop I breathe. I realize that making a decision is not to be taken lightly when the consequences are drastic. I also realize that making decisions based on an idealized energy is an act of irresponsibility within/toward self. I commit myself to becoming evermore responsible within my decision process.

There are many, many decisions made everyday. Will I stand up and vote for what's best for all? Will I accept less within myself? I commit myself to questioning my behaviors/choices that are not in alignment with what's best for all, so that I may see where and how self compromise exists, expose the pattern and walk process accordingly...patiently. There's no where else to go. Give me the time to really see me. Ahh, what a nice gift.

Day 205 - Loss of Control

Been examining resistance more deeply today.

I realized that the words like procrastination, delay  and resistance are mush to broad and general to use within the required specificity of this self-forgiveness process of releasing this energetic pattern. They are more initial, umbrella terms that serve a purpose, but just don't go deep enough.

So in light of my recent developments in examining resistance patterns and today being Valentine's Day, I'd like to cover two points that I found a connection between.

With the experience of resistance toward work there is this negativity association with work that I don't want to do. While writing about this in my side journal, the first point I came to was a loss of freedom to do as I please. So I've built a resistance toward anything that takes away my ability to do as I immediately please to do.

- And now -

Resistance toward Love. In my past Valentine's Days, I used to merrily go about using this excuse to treat a lady nicely (to get her to like me). What's interesting here is that I would willingly compromise my freedom (and wallet) to cater toward presenting a likable image of myself for another human being. In this, I am doing what I wanted to do in self-interest of making the girl feel special so she will like me and give me the attention that boosts my ego and I feel good about myself having another being that digs me.

Happy Valentine's Day ;)

As I grew up out of middle school,  and got into my first (& only 1 year long) relationship during highschool, a sense of wanting more came up. My focus was shifting toward wanting to better my self and my future. The girls started holding me back. In this, I developed a relationship of self-compromise within relationships.

I've held a belief that I haven't been ready to start writing about my relationship dynamics within process yet mainly because this point has been so central to who I've created me to be as a personality. I long resisted participating within the Desteni group for about 1.5 years because I was afraid to give up my lust for women. Sounded ridiculous from a college kid's perspective. I digress.

I created resistance toward relationships for the same/similar reason as I did with work, loss of control. Once I found myself in a moment of having to do something other than what I would like to do in that moment, I wanted out. I really have been uncomfortable with a loss of freedom.

So, today I've exposed a giant resistance point that wasn't clear before and connected it to another point within my past relationships. For Valentine's Day, I give the gift of self-love as self-discovery, and I share it with you.

I am not included to pump out any quick and light SF right now, this investigation will continue to develop and you can expect SF and CA (corrective application) statements tomorrow.

Flickr photo credit

Day 136 - Self-Interested Assistance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place others before me within my own self-interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am compromising myself when I place others before me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a higher importance on specific other people where, in my self-interest, I cater to them so that I may preserve or create a positive self-image in the reflection of my self through their positive judgement.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to complete my work before I assist others with their work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to undervalue myself through placing others before me, where I often do not consider my own work's importance when I jump to help others.

This pattern has played out for a long time. Throughout school, my concern for my self-image created by the perceptions of my peers has been placed as a priority regardless of whatever work I had myself. Often, I would handle this time dilemma by staying up late and sleeping less.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to disregard my responsibility to myself to care for my physical health as well as completing work effectively.

When and as I see myself jumping at the chance to help others with their problems, I stop I breathe. I realize that I always have work to do, and by placing priority within my social interactions, I have been disregarding my responsibility to myself. I commit myself to budgeting my time within self-honesty as not to compromise myself for the positive judgement of others onto me.

I commit myself to showing others that I am responsible within this world as a whole through prioritizing self-responsibilities, and not compromising myself for creating a positive reflection of myself in the eyes of others for the purpose of feeling good that others like me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others do not like me, and so jump on any opportunity I have to mold a positive self-perception by helping others.

I commit myself to helping others when it is appropriate and I have first helped myself.

Day 96 - Forgiveness Variance

Thanks Damian Ledesma

There will be updates to this post.

My relationship to the concept of forgiveness is not easy to describe. When it's effectively done, its over, not a whole lot of thinking follows after a point is walked through self forgiveness statements. And I notice that with out laying down the corrective action statement, I can easily fall back into the same point, as if the SF cleared the structure but the imprint was still heavily laid in. To rewrite the structure of a relationship, we actually have to do it. So take responsability for all the relationships I've ever formed, forgive the specific points that hold a charge, then lay down the foundation of the new order within, best written down and so physicalized (you can't trust the mind...well you can trust it will reflect the nature of your allowed existence), and live within that framework as an example of self willed change. Doing all of this for self, with a self definition  of all life.
So far my commitment statements have been weak. Loosely slopped together partly within a starting point of 'having to do it' and so wasn't living with my words. I was "BSing" it, to use some school days lingo.

This is the first point of variation that I see: a reactive approach vs an authentic approach.
In reactive mode, I'm just doing the forgiveness as a reaction to events or thoughts, not considering myself fully equal with my words. I guess you could relate it to "half-assing" it. I don't like "half-assing."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in a negative relationship to "half-assing" wherein I judge others as this but not myself. With a self-honest look, I am half-assing many aspects of life, relying on the assumption that I'm smart enough and would not half-ass serious projects, well I do & I forgive myself for that. When and as I see myself not completing a project, or not giving it my full potential, I stop I  breathe. I realize that I am only cheating myself, and without self-honesty in play, I'm screwed.

In self-honesty mode, I realize a point in my mind that is programmed and non-sensical, and then speak/write out a flow of honestly spoken self-forgiveness. The release is notable, and sometimes get distracted by my forgiveness and don't get around to laying the new inner law of myself. There is still a fear that comes up, the fear of failing, or not being effective or honest with myself, and I allow that to actually prevent me from trying...no longer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing me to exist with fear/doubt to the extent that I set myself up for failure/giving up.

I commit myself to keep strong with my efforts of releasing myself from the fears embedded inside me.
I commit myself to keep writing and practicing self-forgiveness and commitment statements, and not to allow my lack of perfection to get in the way of my process. I started, that was the toughest part. The ball is rolling and inertia is true. Time to get even more seriously invested in myself and to stop allowing falls and fear of falls to keep me down.

When and as I see myself wanting to move toward a positive experience and depart from here/reality, I stop I breathe. I realize that to be steadfast within my application of this journey to life, I must stop allowing the BSing and get to work. I also realize that without beginning I can't reach the end.
So, I continue to face my nail biting point until it is done, as I said yesterday. No more running/hiding/suppressing. It's all up to me to sort me out.

Thanks for reading.

Related articles

• Day 39 - Self-Honesty as the Key of Keys
• Day 67 - Self-Forgiveness on Self-Forgiveness
• Day 95 - Continuing with my nails