Day 368 - Releasing Body Image Attachment

Wikipedia: Masculinity

This is one of those posts that I resist writing because I have an idea about how it won't get finished, it won't be effective, or it's too soon to make this process point public. I'm not standing for my mind to tell me how to behave anymore. If I see a point that I need to address, do I really want a fear of incapability to direct me away from the process of true self-change. Any significant and real change is a process. Which leads me to ask myself: Am I going to continue to allowing my immediate self-judgment mechanism sabotage the process of self-change before I even start?! Trust me it gets old. Save yourself the time and just push yourself to focus on physically verifiable moment-to-moment progress. Today I start with just a small chunk of this personality system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about how others make judgments of my physical appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a perfect body image so that I will have an easier time being liked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be liked without making an earnest effort or investment in my personal relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be desired, and within this be able to get closer to beautiful girls without having to initiate a conversation and risk being rejected.*

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to work out within the starting point of wanting to look more fit and have a 6-pack.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place personal value in how I look, where through doing so, I define myself by my appearance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach value to a mental construction of beauty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a socially constructed concept of what is beautiful or ugly, not realizing that I'm reducing my perception of others to an extremely superficial relationship. This is not how I want to be treated, thus I must stop treating others this way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate my appearance to the value of my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that who I am as one and equal with this physical reality has nothing to do with my appearance as rated by a societal standard.

*I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to consider the dynamic of fear of rejection within my motivation to become better looking, that I have hidden my fear of rejection behind a wall of positive feedback about how I look.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself through others' compliments, where in I become more confident when someone would say I am handsome.

I forgive myself that I never accepted and allowed myself to look more closely at this dynamic of processing compliments on my physical appearance. I know that I have always felt a little awkward when I get a compliment, and it looks like I have been trying to conceal how this affected my self-concept because I didn't want to admit that I do define myself by and through my physical appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ignorant about my participation in the beauty/ugly polarity mind construct, and so have feared/desired looking a certain way and have judged others for how they look.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reduce my perception and reality of other people down to a snap judgment of sex appeal, completely missing the opportunity to form an authentic connection with another (piece of myself).


When and as I see myself judging another based on their appearance, I stop I breathe. I realize that there are many physical indicators that inform me about another, but limiting my interaction with others because of imperfect physical symmetry is unacceptable. I commit myself to unconditionally open myself up to others, and investigate when a reactive judgment takes place within me. When this happens, I commit myself to write self-forgiveness and release any attachments to the pre-judgment construct in my mind. Ex. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my pre-judgments are valid and correct without being 100% sure, and I commit myself to make a physical effort of communication to assess an individual.

When and as I see myself sizing up myself or another on the scale of beauty/ugly, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a mind game, and it's a severe limitation on reality through a narrow perception. I commit myself to align my starting point in social interaction within a stabilizing breath, and to no longer allow my judgment of physical appearance affect who I am while interacting with anyone.

When and as I see myself overwhelmed withing this mind construct of beauty/ugly judgment, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is just a mental usurpation of my awareness based on past perspectives, desires, fears, etc. I commit myself to stabilizing myself when and as I see that I am affected by my secret mind's judgment about another's appearance.

As more comes up in relation to this mental phenomena, I commit myself to write and walk the process of understanding myself as this mental phenomena first, so that I can take responsibility for creating with and through it, then forgive it and let it go. Who I am is not a mental judgment. I no longer support this system within consciousness. I will support myself in stopping my participation within it first, and then when I am stable within this one point, I commit myself to support others to see this point for themselves when the opportunity arises.

Thank you.

Day 290 - Departure Feelings

Anytime I am leaving a familiar home-zone there is this feeling that I need to do everything and see everyone and have the perfect 'happy ending.' Similarly, there is an excitement to do it all and meet new people when I arrive at a new living situation. This is an interesting point to walk because there are only so many times when these emotions come up, and I've never really thought about the departure feelings/thoughts before; I usually just lived in/as them.

Ok, so what's going on here? Fear of loss, primarily...yep, that's about it. I'll expand: I come to a new place with excitement for the experiences and memories to be created, and when I leave, there is a strong undertone of "I will no longer be able to have these experiences anymore." Ohh CHANGE! Why are you so cruel? haha

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel an ache of need to see it all and do it all before I depart as a final goodbye to capstone all of my experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be recognized and validated, seeing my departure as this critical moment of receiving positive judgement from the friends I've created enjoyable experiences with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to a living environment and developing an attachment to particular places and people that validate who I think I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing a set of experiences that are in fact memories.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing the ability to recreate location/person specific memories.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire past memories. Bang! There are so many positive feelings associated with past memories. They move and motivate me to recreate. Stuck in a groove of chasing what I already have come to know as positive experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to chase after my past because I KNOW that I have been happy within those memories AND I fear the unknown.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown, as I will not have control over how I will experience myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will not have control over the experience of myself if I haven't yet already lived similar past experience(s).
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When and as I see myself getting all nostalgic and sad to leave, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am able to enjoy myself in this moment within and as it all, one and equal. I commit myself to understanding how I've removed myself from reality through going into mind and feelings of how much I will miss it all.

 When and as I see myself wanting to "see everyone, one last time," I stop, breathe, and realize that this desire comes from a need to define myself on my past experiences with others. That last moment of interaction with another is usually one of the highlighted memories. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be special in the eyes of others in my memories so I can think back to how great I am. I commit myself to stop and breathe when I see myself utilizing my final memories with someone to define who I am now.

When and as I see myself afraid to let go of a living situation, I stop I breathe. I realize that I create myself in a new context in every new situation, and in every new breath. I commit myself to move with my breath, into the future, unhindered by fear/anxiety of what may come.

When and as I see myself wanting to control my future experience of myself by comparing it to my past experiences, I stop I breathe. I realize that I create myself here, within every breath. I commit myself to bring myself back to the moment that is here when and as I seem myself anxious about the unknown set of experiences to come. Here I am. Here I breathe. Here I move. Here I stabilize.