Day 426 - Fear of Change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want things to stay comfortable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can remain within my comfort zone indefinitely.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being hurt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and desire the safety of comfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT stand within the word resiliency.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to source strength from others, hiding my insecurities and weaknesses by accepting and allowing superficial validation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT face myself wholly and stand independently to face whatever comes my way, in any given moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear falling down or having a setback in process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see, realize and understand my ability to respond to any situation in life.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that staying in my comfort zone is in my best interest.

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When and as I am feeling uncomfortable within impending change, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I 'change is the only constant', and so I commit myself to embrace change.

When and as I see myself feeling weak and unsure of the future, I stop I breathe. I realize that, come what may, I can stand and face anything. I commit myself to walking through all of my insecurities until I truly, fully believe I can face anything...even death.

When and as I see myself being afraid of the unknown, I stop, I breathe. I realize that the fear is a simple, yet elegantly designed distraction from Self-Here. I commit myself to embrace the unknown and step into self-trust.

When and as I see that I've had an extended stay within comfort, I stop, I breathe. I realize that until comfort is manifest for all within oneness and equality, it is but a temporary experience my mind is providing for me. Within this, I commit myself to investigate the many atrocities going on in the world, and rediscover my passion/purpose within the life I want to lead as the solution for existence.

When and as I see myself resisting facing myself in a moment of potential change, I stop, I breathe. I realize that change is one of my greatest friends in process, exactly for this reason - an opportunity to confront myself and apply myself. Here, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing and manifesting my insecurities. I commit myself to walk into and through moments of change, seeing them as an enjoyable challenge, rather than as something to be feared.

I commit myself to investigating further the relationship between asserting myself within change, and the insecurities that are here in these moments.

Day 290 - Departure Feelings

Anytime I am leaving a familiar home-zone there is this feeling that I need to do everything and see everyone and have the perfect 'happy ending.' Similarly, there is an excitement to do it all and meet new people when I arrive at a new living situation. This is an interesting point to walk because there are only so many times when these emotions come up, and I've never really thought about the departure feelings/thoughts before; I usually just lived in/as them.

Ok, so what's going on here? Fear of loss, primarily...yep, that's about it. I'll expand: I come to a new place with excitement for the experiences and memories to be created, and when I leave, there is a strong undertone of "I will no longer be able to have these experiences anymore." Ohh CHANGE! Why are you so cruel? haha

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel an ache of need to see it all and do it all before I depart as a final goodbye to capstone all of my experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be recognized and validated, seeing my departure as this critical moment of receiving positive judgement from the friends I've created enjoyable experiences with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to a living environment and developing an attachment to particular places and people that validate who I think I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing a set of experiences that are in fact memories.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing the ability to recreate location/person specific memories.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire past memories. Bang! There are so many positive feelings associated with past memories. They move and motivate me to recreate. Stuck in a groove of chasing what I already have come to know as positive experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to chase after my past because I KNOW that I have been happy within those memories AND I fear the unknown.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown, as I will not have control over how I will experience myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will not have control over the experience of myself if I haven't yet already lived similar past experience(s).
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When and as I see myself getting all nostalgic and sad to leave, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am able to enjoy myself in this moment within and as it all, one and equal. I commit myself to understanding how I've removed myself from reality through going into mind and feelings of how much I will miss it all.

 When and as I see myself wanting to "see everyone, one last time," I stop, breathe, and realize that this desire comes from a need to define myself on my past experiences with others. That last moment of interaction with another is usually one of the highlighted memories. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be special in the eyes of others in my memories so I can think back to how great I am. I commit myself to stop and breathe when I see myself utilizing my final memories with someone to define who I am now.

When and as I see myself afraid to let go of a living situation, I stop I breathe. I realize that I create myself in a new context in every new situation, and in every new breath. I commit myself to move with my breath, into the future, unhindered by fear/anxiety of what may come.

When and as I see myself wanting to control my future experience of myself by comparing it to my past experiences, I stop I breathe. I realize that I create myself here, within every breath. I commit myself to bring myself back to the moment that is here when and as I seem myself anxious about the unknown set of experiences to come. Here I am. Here I breathe. Here I move. Here I stabilize.

Day 152 - Friends of Yesterday

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my friends of days past will not like me because I have changed.

Within this I realize that I have been dishonest with myself for having placed my worth and definition in the hands of those who can validate me.

When and as I see myself become anxious by placing me in the perception of others, I stop I breathe. I realize this as my mind. I commit myself to bringing myself back to myself within my breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change.

I accept the constant of change. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not changing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to maintain a perception of self as unchanged.

When and as I see myself managing my perception of myself in the eyes of others, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is not an effective method of conduct. I commit myself to holding myself, here, in my every breath and no longer compromising this stance for how I believe others may perceive me.

Until it is done, I will persist in bringing myself back into my breath as the all encompassing, self-honest existence that is here as me.