Day 435 - A Fresh Start

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cling to the past, find comfort and security in what is known, and so fear the creative self-movement in the here and now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT trust myself to direct my creative capacity within the sea of potential that exists in each moment here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT embrace the potentials in each moment, and so give in to fear and limitations of comfort.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to embrace each new day as a fresh start, a blank canvas for creation.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself see, realize and understand the potential to start fresh in each moment, in every breath - to within this access my highest living potential and direct myself specifically in each moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that this is too tall a task, and so give into the mind, allowing the my past programming to be the authority within my self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to succumb to the mind, and repeat patterns of self-abuse because I have been too afraid to embrace the creative potential of a fresh start.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be good enough when and as I take creative authority as the directive principle of life.

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When and as I see myself fearing the potential saturated moment here, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I can slow my mind down within the breath, and give myself more time to discover my optimal self-direction in any given moment. I commit myself to remain slow, giving, forgiving, and always willing to substantiate the best for all potential within a fresh start.

When and as I see myself in repeating patterns, substantiating the patterns of the past, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can broaden my perspective and consider more supportive ways. I commit myself to really giving my best effort to choose and direct myself to support what is best for all life here.

When and as I see my personal, inner-baggage interfering with my self-directive capacity to substantiate best for all movement, I stop, I breathe. I realize that even with walking my process at maximum resolve, in every breath, I still have a long way to go. I commit myself to constantly reassessing myself, my actions and my choices to cross reference them with the best for all simulations, so that I do not misstep for any extended periods of time.

When and as I see myself holding onto the past, I stop, I breathe. I realize the power and significance of orienting to 'here forward.' I commit myself to create me anew, until my living is purely aligned with the expression of what is best for all.

I commit myself to stop fearing my potential. I commit myself to embrace my potential. I commit myself to stop sabotaging my process. I commit myself to clearing my head for a fresh start, when and as needed. I commit myself to walk what is here, and create a world that is best for all.

Day 426 - Fear of Change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want things to stay comfortable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can remain within my comfort zone indefinitely.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being hurt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and desire the safety of comfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT stand within the word resiliency.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to source strength from others, hiding my insecurities and weaknesses by accepting and allowing superficial validation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT face myself wholly and stand independently to face whatever comes my way, in any given moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear falling down or having a setback in process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see, realize and understand my ability to respond to any situation in life.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that staying in my comfort zone is in my best interest.

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When and as I am feeling uncomfortable within impending change, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I 'change is the only constant', and so I commit myself to embrace change.

When and as I see myself feeling weak and unsure of the future, I stop I breathe. I realize that, come what may, I can stand and face anything. I commit myself to walking through all of my insecurities until I truly, fully believe I can face anything...even death.

When and as I see myself being afraid of the unknown, I stop, I breathe. I realize that the fear is a simple, yet elegantly designed distraction from Self-Here. I commit myself to embrace the unknown and step into self-trust.

When and as I see that I've had an extended stay within comfort, I stop, I breathe. I realize that until comfort is manifest for all within oneness and equality, it is but a temporary experience my mind is providing for me. Within this, I commit myself to investigate the many atrocities going on in the world, and rediscover my passion/purpose within the life I want to lead as the solution for existence.

When and as I see myself resisting facing myself in a moment of potential change, I stop, I breathe. I realize that change is one of my greatest friends in process, exactly for this reason - an opportunity to confront myself and apply myself. Here, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing and manifesting my insecurities. I commit myself to walk into and through moments of change, seeing them as an enjoyable challenge, rather than as something to be feared.

I commit myself to investigating further the relationship between asserting myself within change, and the insecurities that are here in these moments.

Day 405 - Self-Empowerment: Stepping into Manhood

Quick overview of my life: Born in upstate New York, moved to Northern California at age 11, went to college in Southern Californa, lived back at home for a year, went to the Desteni Farm in South Africa and began a committed life partnership.

All of the above happened without much decisive effort by me, except for that last one. I set aside nearly all of my personal dreams and desires to shift onto this life path. You would think that would be a difficult thing to do, and it was! But through some specific support at the farm, I was able to condense that experience into just a couple of days prior to making the decision. It was hectic, but once I saw past my emotional attachments, it was just math. A simple mathematical assessment of what is best for all.

Since that moment, there have been many challenges to say the least. Successful relationships are nothing like what we see on TV. They really are a lot of work! Moving out of my parents home, and out from under their financial support also presented some challenging challenges, to say the least! Now add the basic pressures of a budding entrepreneur. Wham! The trifecta that defined my entry into manhood at age 25.

What is the point of sharing this with you? I didn't know that I would be able to take the steps that I have in the last 2 years. Back then, I could not conceive of giving up my imagined potential futures where I am awesome. Back then, i didn't realize that to begin creating something real, I would have to get grounded and actually do the hard work! No more skating through school life. Mastering the basic responsibilities won't cut it if I want to thrive in the big boys' playground, the adult world, the system.

Can I do it? Will I be able to survive out there in the world? Taking that first step out of the door is the only way to find out! This physical motion is very empowering, and it can't happen without the decision to do it. When shutting down the fears, worry, and concerns, it boils down to that simple decision to take action, and to see it through. Seeing it through merits its own post, and I'll continue with that tomorrow.

So, during the moment of deciding, I didn't have to know everything, and more importantly, I can't know everything. Real world experience is the best way to learn. With the decision to begin unfolding my journey into the unknown, I create the opportunities to learn and grow from real-life experiences. I'll learn as I go, refine and optimize as needed. I'm driving me.

A deep thank you to everyone who has played a part supporting me to get this far! My potential in this life is what it is because of you. Now it's up to me, to attain my highest potential through continuing to make these self-empowering decisions - and see what I'm really made of.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not achieve my dreams and goals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will fail when I go out into the world and begin leading a self-sufficient life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a life of ease, where I wouldn't really have to make any decisions that would lead to a challenging experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become paralyzed within fear, and not realize how, in so doing, I am robbing myself of the opportunities to really learn, expand and step into manhood.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to focus on what comes up when I'm faced with these potentially self-empowering decisions, investigate as much as necessary until I am clear within myself, when making the decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making decisions that would force me to leave my comfort zone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone real-world responsibilities, and try to maintain an easier, more comfortable life without as many pressures and responsibilities.

I commit myself to readily accept responsibilities that are directly related to my success as an individual within the context of what is best for all.

I commit myself to push myself into my uncomfortable zones to challenge and expand myself.

I commit myself do daily powerthinking sessions, where I will drive clarity into at least one specific point/decision that I am currently investigating.

I commit myself exposing the fear of failure system once and for all, so that I may stop cycling self-limited living.

I commit myself to do the work that must be done to get to where I want to go.

Day 330 - Always A Fight

It goes something like this: I get into a fight or a disagreement, and my reaction is to protect and defend my position at all costs. I get consumed by my desire to come out on top. In extreme or subtle circumstances, I will go to unfair lengths to defend my original perception. In a family situation, it is easy to be more harsh. In relationships with people that are less established, my knowledge superiority thoughts are likely to be suppressed. So it's not to be taken for granted when I am with family as there is a lot that can be learned by observing my reactive expression while in a comfort zone.

Ways and whys I would take my home-life experiences for granted:
- typical interaction
- blame

That pretty much covers it. There's a lot to look at in blame, yet the concept is simple. Every time I'm in my head telling myself it's their fault for my current experience, I can't see my own responsibility in any given situation. I literally do not want to see how I am responsible. Resistance to humility.

This is a critical point to look at. Not wanting to "step down" is at least half the reason I so adamantly strive to be right when in an argument. Interesting to consider the momentum that builds. Once I'm already in an argument, it's much harder to humble myself, back down, and/or admit that I'm wrong. Prevention is the best cure, and I'm in the business of doing what best for all, so it's time to figure out the pattern(s), understand it, recognize it, then stop it before it starts. Walk it out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself resist being wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself with/as superior knowledge, such that when my facts are challenged, I am personally invested and I compulsively assert my defensive attack.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad when I 'lose' in a battle of wits.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify with being right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hurt others so that I can preserve my 'being right' character.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be unfair in conversation by selectively up-playing the facts that support my preexisting knowledge-beliefs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I'm right and not consider that I might be wrong, especially when my perspective is built on a narrow foundation (too few facts).

When and as I see myself resisting to step down and actually consider the other person's perspective, I stop I breathe. I realize that it's not that bad because I am not the knowledge. I commit myself to walking through that discomfort of humility. I commit myself to stopping the ego need to be right.

When and as I see myself feeling a need to be right, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is my ego. I realize that I am within my ego. I commit myself to realizing myself as my breath.

When and as I see myself repeating this pattern, I stop I breathe, I realize that I am here again. I commit myself to realizing who I have become in that moment, and taking the steps to return to the breath and support what is best for all.

When and as I see myself mistreating another by not actually listening to them and I'm in my own head trying to figure out how to make them listen to me, I stop I breathe. I realize my responsibility to communicate effectively. I commit myself to becoming the best listener that I can be. I commit myself to stop focusing only on my own perspective when in conversation.

When and as I see myself feeling confident, I stop I breathe. I realize this feeling as a reaction to my knowledge structure. I commit myself to taking a closer look at how I've constructed my perspective and looking for possibilities for how I am wrong. Haha, critical thinking 101

Thanks for reading, reader. I was consciously focusing my writing voice toward myself this time (Day 329 for context). If you notice a difference, or have a suggestion for me, please leave me a comment.

photo credit

Day 321 - Each new moment following

What's cool is how I've got a firm grasp on how to refocus myself before going into a delay time-loop that could potentially cycle throughout the whole day. The tools are known, and I know how to use them to stop a resistance energy and refocus on my responsibilities.

What lies ahead is my steadfast application of these tools in every moment of recognition of an energetic personality take over. These personalities vary. I will interchangeably use the word 'personality' with 'character' until further notice. To exemplify how different characters come into play: I write now with a voice/tone that is different than perhaps yesterday or even the first paragraph. One of my favorite writing aspects is being able to capture this writing voice and reference it in the future and relate the experience of myself then to how I experienced myself now.

A few reasons why I would switch into different personalities:

- watching a movie = adopting some characteristics of the main characters portrayed

- at home with family = high comfort zone, well established relationships

- with friends = same as family with variations like more and less comfortability in specific dimensions

- with strangers / potential friends = shyness, desiring positive relationship / fearing negative judgement

- with a girl = similar as above, but there is more to gain/lose (shyness amplified)

All of these points of entry into different personalities must and will be investigated. Yesterday, I had a break through with my lethargic personality - recognized the energy, and in a moment stopped my participation within it just long enough to apply vocal self-forgiveness, followed by self-directive statements.

My goal remains to stabilize all personalities into a singularity. How? Why?

Because in every moment that I activate a particular personality, I have lost awareness of my one true character that is here in the physical. This one true character is a person with whom I have a severely underdeveloped relationship. My primary characters activate in certain social situations, and while alone, for various reasons typically pertaining to desire and fear from a self-interested perspective. The relationship to these characters are strengthened through a life of learning them and participating within them. I no longer accept and allow myself to go through life with an unstable world view, causing consequences in my life and the lives around me.

I will take on each and every character, until it is done. And with the one personality, I choose to support what is best, for myself and all other lifeforms that are in existence. It's an unregrettable decision. The how to accomplish this factor is the real feat. How does one go about learning how they've been living within predesigned, coded personalities, and then willingly reprogram self? This can be answered through investigating the message of Desteni. It's takes some time to acclimate and assess what is being said because 'self' as a programmed set of personalities has no time to question self. Cracking the ego code is not for the faint of heart. Most other groups in the self-realization category appeal to the ego. That's not self-honest. Study what is self-honesty. It is the concept that's going to change the world.

I challenge myself to continue with a steadfast self-honesty, to in each new moment following, no longer accept and allow energy to determine how I lead my life.

cc

I am - here - I stand
to support self in actualizing what is best for all.

Day 291 - Back into Familiarity

This is kind of a frightening topic. All the better to blog about it!

So far, I've noted a few feelings that really bogged me down. I want to blame it on the weather being much warmer, but I recognized my ability to stand up and shake of the lethargy. I wasn't very successful, but I did at least get a mediocre amount of work done and spent some quality time with the family on Mother's Day. Overall, I experienced myself within that polarity experience (see Day 287 - Re-Inspired by Social Media Professionals) of driven excitement - lethargic resistance.

So, here's a cool point of discovery for me to take on: Identify the moments of which my environment affects my will power / work ethic / drive for success. The first one's to mind are when I wake up and the temperature. I'll get more specific with those in posts to come. To hone in on all the familiar triggers that I utilize to remain in a stagnate energy experience of myself, that's a new priority of exploration. I must establish a new familiarity within the stillness of my beingness as a stable breath into self-direction.

cc

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become bogged down with a feeling of lethargy of which I submit to and become a hopeless victim of when and as there is a trigger for it. I realize that I need to explore the lethargy triggers in depth, and I commit myself to breaking down this character design sometime in the future. (haha, apparently this character is active right now)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel required to have external motivation for when I am productive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel out of control when I react to familiar situations in familiar ways.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have no response ability for myself. I realize this desire as a key contributor in justifying my laziness and hopeless victim relationship to my mind and the 'lazy' feelings I produce. I commit myself to begin taking responsibility for my created experience of myself and thus within this, the responsibility to create myself within alignment of what is best.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it is ok that I fall back into the same habits and patterns because I can simply blame my environment for not being self-directed / self-motivated.

When and as I see myself blaming my environment for who I am in a moment, be it temperature, people, or any form of resistance, I stop I breathe. I realize this is just my attempt to not take responsibility for myself. I commit myself to really stop and work with the moments that cause a time-loop of victimization relationship to my mind.

When and as I see myself feeling stuck in familiar modes of existence, I stop I breathe. I realize each breath as a new opportunity to decide who I am in that moment. I commit myself to live here.

This is going to be worth it. Take your time kicking it into gear. Do not slack here!

Day 290 - Departure Feelings

Anytime I am leaving a familiar home-zone there is this feeling that I need to do everything and see everyone and have the perfect 'happy ending.' Similarly, there is an excitement to do it all and meet new people when I arrive at a new living situation. This is an interesting point to walk because there are only so many times when these emotions come up, and I've never really thought about the departure feelings/thoughts before; I usually just lived in/as them.

Ok, so what's going on here? Fear of loss, primarily...yep, that's about it. I'll expand: I come to a new place with excitement for the experiences and memories to be created, and when I leave, there is a strong undertone of "I will no longer be able to have these experiences anymore." Ohh CHANGE! Why are you so cruel? haha

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel an ache of need to see it all and do it all before I depart as a final goodbye to capstone all of my experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be recognized and validated, seeing my departure as this critical moment of receiving positive judgement from the friends I've created enjoyable experiences with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to a living environment and developing an attachment to particular places and people that validate who I think I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing a set of experiences that are in fact memories.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing the ability to recreate location/person specific memories.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire past memories. Bang! There are so many positive feelings associated with past memories. They move and motivate me to recreate. Stuck in a groove of chasing what I already have come to know as positive experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to chase after my past because I KNOW that I have been happy within those memories AND I fear the unknown.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown, as I will not have control over how I will experience myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will not have control over the experience of myself if I haven't yet already lived similar past experience(s).
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When and as I see myself getting all nostalgic and sad to leave, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am able to enjoy myself in this moment within and as it all, one and equal. I commit myself to understanding how I've removed myself from reality through going into mind and feelings of how much I will miss it all.

 When and as I see myself wanting to "see everyone, one last time," I stop, breathe, and realize that this desire comes from a need to define myself on my past experiences with others. That last moment of interaction with another is usually one of the highlighted memories. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be special in the eyes of others in my memories so I can think back to how great I am. I commit myself to stop and breathe when I see myself utilizing my final memories with someone to define who I am now.

When and as I see myself afraid to let go of a living situation, I stop I breathe. I realize that I create myself in a new context in every new situation, and in every new breath. I commit myself to move with my breath, into the future, unhindered by fear/anxiety of what may come.

When and as I see myself wanting to control my future experience of myself by comparing it to my past experiences, I stop I breathe. I realize that I create myself here, within every breath. I commit myself to bring myself back to the moment that is here when and as I seem myself anxious about the unknown set of experiences to come. Here I am. Here I breathe. Here I move. Here I stabilize.