Day 290 - Departure Feelings

Anytime I am leaving a familiar home-zone there is this feeling that I need to do everything and see everyone and have the perfect 'happy ending.' Similarly, there is an excitement to do it all and meet new people when I arrive at a new living situation. This is an interesting point to walk because there are only so many times when these emotions come up, and I've never really thought about the departure feelings/thoughts before; I usually just lived in/as them.

Ok, so what's going on here? Fear of loss, primarily...yep, that's about it. I'll expand: I come to a new place with excitement for the experiences and memories to be created, and when I leave, there is a strong undertone of "I will no longer be able to have these experiences anymore." Ohh CHANGE! Why are you so cruel? haha

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel an ache of need to see it all and do it all before I depart as a final goodbye to capstone all of my experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be recognized and validated, seeing my departure as this critical moment of receiving positive judgement from the friends I've created enjoyable experiences with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to a living environment and developing an attachment to particular places and people that validate who I think I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing a set of experiences that are in fact memories.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing the ability to recreate location/person specific memories.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire past memories. Bang! There are so many positive feelings associated with past memories. They move and motivate me to recreate. Stuck in a groove of chasing what I already have come to know as positive experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to chase after my past because I KNOW that I have been happy within those memories AND I fear the unknown.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown, as I will not have control over how I will experience myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will not have control over the experience of myself if I haven't yet already lived similar past experience(s).
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When and as I see myself getting all nostalgic and sad to leave, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am able to enjoy myself in this moment within and as it all, one and equal. I commit myself to understanding how I've removed myself from reality through going into mind and feelings of how much I will miss it all.

 When and as I see myself wanting to "see everyone, one last time," I stop, breathe, and realize that this desire comes from a need to define myself on my past experiences with others. That last moment of interaction with another is usually one of the highlighted memories. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be special in the eyes of others in my memories so I can think back to how great I am. I commit myself to stop and breathe when I see myself utilizing my final memories with someone to define who I am now.

When and as I see myself afraid to let go of a living situation, I stop I breathe. I realize that I create myself in a new context in every new situation, and in every new breath. I commit myself to move with my breath, into the future, unhindered by fear/anxiety of what may come.

When and as I see myself wanting to control my future experience of myself by comparing it to my past experiences, I stop I breathe. I realize that I create myself here, within every breath. I commit myself to bring myself back to the moment that is here when and as I seem myself anxious about the unknown set of experiences to come. Here I am. Here I breathe. Here I move. Here I stabilize.