I'm peeling back the layers. The composition of my resistance energy is still not completely understood, and this means that further investigation will be required before I stabilize this stance of self-mastery. I've noted how I move from overwhelmed through a reaction to giving up. Example: "too much work to do > I can't effectively do it all" > delay & distraction. I abandon my whole task list because of an emotional reaction of being overwhelmed. It's utterly ridiculous from the stand point of doing what works. The emotion overrides the common sense application of myself.
Side note on self-mastery: To achieve self-mastery, there must be a self-slave. This is a polarity concept, and when it's participated in and lived, a split personality is created: Self as a Master and a Slave. To live as real self-change, there is only ONE self that acknowledges self as the problem and the solution, and takes the responsibility to move into and as the solution. In this specific case of mastering myself in relation to resistance, I will need to recognize and accept the responsibility of each relevant point that is part of this resistance feeling reaction that I've programmed into my living flesh over the years of participating in it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed and react by going into a powerlessness character, allowing the resistance energy to be accepted as greater and more powerful than I.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the resistance energy through placing myself as a victim of it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my resistance as separate and more powerful that who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself as the resistance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself as the solution of pushing / willing myself through the residual effects of my relationship with resistance energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight with resistance in separation of it - not realizing this is like feeding the fire, building friction and ultimately giving in to the same resistance that I thought I was fighting.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to unknowingly amplify my experience of resistance, through separating myself from it, placing myself in a victim relationship to my own mind, and secretly rooting for the resistance to win so my desire for the distraction can thrive.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have not been seriously wanting to stop the resistance because I wanted to indulge in a desire that I was hiding from myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from the desires I am ashamed to admit.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my secret mind to continue on in secrecy because...I am still attached to my ego.
I stop, I breathe.
Today went well. Not perfectly. Tomorrow is another day. Will I allow this writing release to disencumber me for the moment and then allow myself to fall back into the same habit? No. Why, I have been here too many times. Tomorrow will be a reflection with living commitments to self. Thanks.
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