This is a continuation of Day 323 - Airport Paranoia where I briefly went over some of my backchats and imaginations that went through my head. Today, I'll expand on those.
First experience was when I got dropped off and I had to find my way to the right spot to get my boarding pass. A subtle thought keeps in: "What if something goes wrong" and that's when my mind races to see how this could be true. This process happens quite automatically because I've lived most of my life testing my fear-thoughts in my mind "so I will be able to protect myself" from experiencing the various scenarios that I conjure. When I don't participate in this process, I can simply live moment to moment, doing what needs to be done. There's no real reason that something would go wrong because I've taken the pertinent steps to success. If I hadn't, then I would have actual reason to worry, but then the appropriate action would be to take the necessary steps to get back on track.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that by trying to justify my fears is the right thing to do, so that I can avoid them,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I can most effectively avoid problems through common sense prevention.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think "what if something still goes wrong" completely out of the context of reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be paranoid about logistical failures within a mental worry/anxiety, instead of living in reality.
I commit myself to considering all possibilities and taking actions to prevent the worst case scenarios, and to not participate in anxiousness brought on by a self-doubt character.
When I imagine actual imagery of things going horribly wrong, I do not think that it will actually happen...but there is a part of me that brings up this type of thought. Why am I fascinated with horrible freak accidents? Because I don't believe they would actually happen, so within my beliefs I am safe. Could this be a way to reaffirm my faith in my knowledge/belief structure? I do not want it to happen, but it would be a cool scene to watch in a film: Causal passenger perspective, and then Bam! A whole other plane rips through the front of the cabin, killing many instantly...but the final moments of the passenger in the back...what is he thinking and experiencing? Why do I find this fascinating to contemplate? Intrigued by disaster. A thought comes up that pertains to not wanting to be a coward, but rather a survivor against extreme odds. Which comes back to wanting to be able to handle a worse case scenario. Interesting!
Such a powerful draw to the mental projection of worse case scenarios, within a desire to survive or just get through them, but also wanting to avoid the feared failure, and ultimately death. Paranoia is charged by fear. And fear is paranoia. So then paranoia feeds paranoia. All of this mental processing happening despite the physical reality that is here. Doesn't it make sense to rather be here, ready for anything, able to move/act in an instant, than to be imagining all the bad things that could happen? Because when one of them actually happens, we likely react without common sense or worse: completely freeze up, petrified by the fear experience that we've been creating the whole time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to protect myself by preparing myself for imagined worst case scenarios that are highly unlikely.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to occupy myself with a fear based thought-visualization because it is enticing, appealing to a system of my mind that I don't fully understand.
I commit myself to noting my violent imagination, and investigating my motivations within it to better understand myself.
I commit myself to discovering ways that I can prevent anxiety through comprehensive consideration and preemptive preparation.