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This drastic, life-changing culmination point, hit me so hard, that I believe it to be the reason I passed out early last night during my usual blog writing time, avoiding writing, maybe it was just that it's kind of a big realization, and the consequences of it are hefty. I don't want to lie to myself / others. I don't want to be mean. I want to be clear with my communication. So all is on the same page as much as possible. It takes effort because it's so easy to not hear others as I get overwhelmed with my perspective / what I am planning to say...maybe it's another expression of the anxiety. I feel rushed in a lot of areas in life, but particularly in communication, the pattern I'm seeing is that I stop listening once my mind side tracks with the thought of something related to my agenda (not equal consideration of words, here). Also I notice that when someone starts speaking something unrelated or irrelevant to what was just said previously, I stop listening or get frustrated ...It's like being ignored. Deliberate or not, it's not listening or it's choosing to avoid.
I commit myself to no longer not listen or choose to avoid the words in the air, and further more I commit myself to self-honestly listening to myself and others, with patience at times, and with respect for life.
Listening to and sorting out my thoughts, my inner self-talk, there's always something to be learned, or a fear to be faced or directed by. To ask how is my mind set-up, to think a certain way, according what to preference or past fear-based experience. What a question! I am seeing more clearly where it is that I come from in my communication, and by this I mean what is the point of what I am saying. I see it in others: When they've become unaware of the choice to perceive their own intention within their word choice / reality creation...so why won't I allow myself to see this point of where it is I'm coming from within my own communication; because, I guess my ego programs like to be executed and hide it's intentions from me because it suits the ego. Cool. No more.
I forgive myself that i HAVE accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others within my perspective of communication, and so within this I forgive myself for not listening to others/myself when my mind goes into side-track-distract(ions), so I forgive myself that I allowed myself to get caught up in my mind's impulsed distraction, instead of staying here with the spoken words in the air...respecting all communication, as all communication is self-talk. Hear me, me!
During the times at which someone is too stubborn to speak at a level level, I recognize that it only requires more patience. Sometime, it's a lost cause, and I've usually at this point fallen into participating in the polarity of an argument to which only friction is caused and the oneness is lost.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to run or hide from the self-honest nature of communication (as speaking my own honest perception as well as hearing others), so within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the distraction of my mind away from the hereness of the conversation, dodging the responsibility to be open and honest with myself through listening to myself as well as others, one and equal.
To slow down = to listen. Easier to hear, perceive more...basically just not get to caught up in the mind.
Or at least recognizing when I am distraught with thought, so I can bring me back to my breath.
Thanks, that's all for tonight.