Day 385 - Weak or Strong: Stopping Polarized Reactions

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Writing out current relationship:

• To be seen as weak is like admitting failure. The most significant source of emotion comes from looking at myself through how others will see/judge me. Of course, this is not real, because it’s an internal, mental process of my own.
• Behind this is a fear that my projected, possible self-judgments will manifest in my world through other’s expressions. To protect myself from this fear, I utilize denial, blame, diverting attention, and physically avoiding the situation.
• I want to be in a position of strength. Why? This is safe from the fear of others negatively judging me as weak. This is also a power, an ability to accomplish my goals.
• Any signs of weakness reveal that I am not strong. Weakness becomes a hot button, setting myself into reaction.

Observation of above points:

            This is an EGO point. My ego is put into motion within fear energy and competition, being better than others. There is a desire to be more than others, and the fear of being less than others is even stronger. Why? The self-defining nature of weakness is perceived to penetrate through time, affecting who I believe myself to be, which means it will affect how I act “for the rest of my life,” which is in conflict with my vision for myself, my Religion of Self.

Goal:

            Letting go of this reactive programming that’s been limiting my expansion of myself from weak to strong in a specific dimension of self. To stop hiding my weaknesses from myself in various ways (i.e. blame, excuses, justifications, denial, distraction), so that I may accept myself as weak, and allow myself the opportunity to then strengthen myself within this dimension that I am self-honestly weak in.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being perceived as weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with defending myself as ego when another points out that I am weak in one way or another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny within myself when I see that I am weak in one way or another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be strong without considering the process of moving from weakness into strength.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to utilize the moments where I become aware of a weakness when another points it out to me, to commence a self-honest investigation of this weakness and how I can turn it into a strength.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself through the perceptions of others of me, so that when another sees me as weak, I must defend myself and deny this perception to maintain my positive definition/perception of myself.

Corrective Application Statements:

When and as I am being referred to as being weak in some way or another, I stop I breathe. I realize there is a potential gift here, wherein I can realize an area of myself that I can improve. I commit myself to stop reacting to implied weakness within who I am or who I believe myself to be. Within this commitment, I also commit to apply self-forgiveness when I miss a breath and go into an unsupportive reaction when someone perceives weakness within me in one way or another.

When and as I see myself defending my self-concept / ego, I stop I breathe. I realize that by internalizing the perceived weakness in self through taking it personally, I am sabotaging an opportunity for self-growth. I commit myself to stop the systemized perceiving of weakness within self that calls for a defensive reaction.

I see, realize and understand that this defensive reaction is a function of mind, as well as: me. I commit myself to taking full responsibility for my reaction to defend my ego. Despite how it feels automated, I commit myself to fully let go of the relationship to my own mind where I am a victim of it. This is separation. The integrated honesty here is that I allow my mind’s reactions because there was a time in my past where I automated this specific reaction because it served my self-interest. I no longer need this program to protect the idea of myself because I now realize that who I really am is not the ego/self-image. I am life, manifested. I am my physical body.

And so, I commit myself to utilizing my physical body to serve as an indicator for when I am in reaction within my own perception of an attack on my self-image, as strength. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am ‘strength’ and that I must preserve this self-definition by denying and not accepting the notion that I am weak in one way or another.

When and as I see my body become elevated in discussion, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have initiated a mental program, I am reacting with a particular energy/emotion, and that I did not choose to behave this way in a single moment of self-awareness within and as the breath of myself as my body. I commit myself to, within a breath, assess who I have become, align the correction and live it as I exhale.

And this is how I transmute weakness into strength.

Day 353 - Movement Responsibility

Related to this theme I've been working with the past few days, I am realizing that if I don't do it, it doesn't happen. While it may seem obvious, my life experience thus far has been very...automatic. I've just been going with the flow of life, and it's been working out fine, so why would I ever question it? Well, it's not working out so fine anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i'll be okay at the whims of my external world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself believe that all I have to do is manage and control my reactions to be successful in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for others to do or say something first so that I could manage and feel in control what happens next....okay, here my mind is spinning trying to get a handle on all the dynamics going on within this one point. This indicates I need to stop, breathe, and take on the first point first.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and control others to prevent them from having control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being controlled by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by waiting for others to move first, that I have actually much less control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear moving first, being a directive principle, because then if others react to me in a negative way, then I would take it personally and risk shattering the idealized image of myself in my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and believe in the image of myself in my own mind, not realizing how this function of the mind has been limiting my self expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself desire to move through life and personal interactions passively, because then I don't risk hurting my ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that who I am in fact stands on principle and is consistent day to day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I am is be determined by my external environment and the personal interactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am defined according to how others see me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I decide who I am in relation to all circumstances, and in this, I am either reacting in a specific way that matches my past behaviors and/or experience set, or I am standing on a principle that I would live for all of eternity.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for moving myself without an external stimulus. Taking initiative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on external input to be able to move myself. Reaction only.

I commit myself to realizing my directive principle.

I commit myself to realizing I am the directive principle of myself.

I commit myself to realizing my responsibility to direct myself based on principle.

I commit myself to walking the process of becoming a responsible human being that stands for what is best.

I commit myself to start taking the initiative when there is nothing pressuring me to do anything, and within this initiative, I will do what is best.

I commit myself to showing others that I exist as a directive principle, as a person who does what is best for everyone without being told to do it.

I commit myself to stand up and do what is best.

I commit myself to stop allowing past patterns to continue to repeat and stifle my self expression.

When and as I see myself waiting for my environment to inform me of what to do, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can either wait and react to the external movement, or I can take the initiative and utilize common sense to direct myself, and the environment as an extension of myself, to a best for all outcome. Until this is effortless, I commit myself to constantly evaluate the integrity of my stand, and locate all points and patterns of weakness and petty self-interest. By doing this, I take responsibility for how I currently lead my life, and I commit myself to walk the correction into a stable living of the principle of what is best for all.

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