I set the alarm to sleep from 9:54pm to 10...snooze for 10, snooze for 10 more.
I move from the couch to my bed, thinking I can fool myself into one final, brief rest before writing, but no alarm this time. That was really a decision. I vaguely decided I'll make it up to myself by posting twice the next day, or whatever.
Why is this decision so shrouded and unclear? Let's unpack it!
This kind of non-decision, an abdication of responsibility. I was physically tired, but that wasn't even a consideration at the time because I was too focused on the negative self-critic, like "I'm a failure," and/or 'scheming' to try and justify going the 'easy way'.
While resting, in the background of my mind, I'm doing this whole process and giving myself 'the run around' internally, covering up the self-judgement and justifications, trying to make everything seem ok... until I pass out. It's like distracting myself from facing myself until I ab-use my body's need for sleep as 'an out' from having to face what's really going on in me, in stillness.
As a result of the internal mess, no post is made, no-thing takes form.
So, to the point, the big realization:
is a key to creation.
By asking ourselves the most relevant questions, we can take aim for creation with more specificity. Each question answered sheds light on how best to proceed, but without Self-Honesty, we'll just opt for delusion when faced with getting nitty-gritty of who I am, have become and choose to be.
I didn't make a self-honest decision to skip a day of blogging. I wasn't slowed down, in my body, and considering within awareness, a practical compromise or solution for my predicament. I was running around in my mind, justifying layers of excuses and reasons until I exhaust myself into a consciousless slumber.
A clear decision to rest the body can be a beautiful gift.
I commit myself to becoming more deliberate with my body, my movements, my decisions, my bedtime.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the truth of my decisions and actions within a mental whirlwind of justification and self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mistreat my body by more considering my own ego's priority system, rather than that of my physical formation.
I commit myself to form deliberately, carefully.
I commit myself to exposing all half-measures and BS justifications within my operating system.
I commit myself to getting really clear, on what takes form in my life.