Sputtering: to proceed or develop in a spasmodic and feeble way. (ex. The old car was running on fumes, sputtering down the road.)
Also continuing from my first post in this 30 day series, there's an apparent need to go deeper into why I keep blocking myself from writing.
One day, it's simple, I just let myself write.
The next day, well..
The resistance takes many forms, like sleepiness or jumping into distractions, but why am I giving way to the resistance so quickly each time I'm facing deeper dimensions of myself in writing?
All that comes up is fear as ego-protection. The what-ifs and the primary fear: been seen as the fallible human that I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear acknowledging my own imperfections, and try to avoid them by creating a personality of hesitancy in my self-expression, waiting for the right moment to assert myself in the right way - veiling my authenticity, cleverly even from myself, as I further develop a 'people-pleasing' personality and get further from myself, who I am, my wants, my goals and ambitions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself, because I fear that just being me, isn't enough.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide in personality constructs that are 'safe' because they work for me within my environment, not seeing, realizing or understanding how I'm then only ever building a 'house of cards', bound to come crashing down, because I'm not substantiating each relationship by bring my integrated self, my whole +1 to the table.
I commit myself to shedding the personalities, each time I recognize myself within one, and being vulnerable and raw, coming as I am, no self-judgement.
I commit myself to use my breath as cross reference in the physical, to assist with determining when/if I'm loaded up into a narrow personality construct, using breath as well to support my returning to presence and the authenticity that is always here, in real-time, breath-pace.
I commit myself to continue aligning my integrated character with what's best for all by removing personality systems that are outdated and/or in narrow in scope, and replacing them with an "okay-ness" or immediate self-acceptance, allowing me to walk vulnerably with any situation, and just allow my expression to come up. Whatever comes, I accept it, and then I face it as I continue to fine tune my standing character, as the expression living by principle, courage, and will to do best by me and others. No more personalities based of fear. #wasteoftime
There will be many parts to Going Deeper.. TBC