Day 243 - The Responsibility of Self-Attention

"The solution of attention I present to you is the focused specificity application of yourself as who you are in every moment as every breath. "

While I was walking through my DIP lesson this month, there was a section on attention that I found to be very relevant to what I'm walking through right now. It's so simple and yet so profound.

It's all too often that I allow attention diversions to take me away from my breath, my being here, my presence of and within the moment. Silly distractions even. One my guilty indulgences is this game called Subway Surfers. One of it's main features is that it's "highly addictive." It's also a time sink that I don't really want anyone to know about. Hidden and shameful....nice. SO, I blog about it because it's what has come up.

source

I could go into excuses and justifications why I continually allow myself to play this game, but the key point is that it's one of the major attention diversions in my life. I probably won't even be writing about it if I had somehow decided to open the app while I was watching the Solution of Attention video interview. It was much like a window of opportunity to see myself and finally take responsibility for what I am accepting and allowing in this context. There is one other video game app that I like to play, but I'll address that in another post.

Which leads me to a noteworthy side point: selective self-responsibility. Oh, how I react to that concept! Like what the hell am I doing. Okay, breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to become frustrated with myself for what I have been allowing myself to exist as and participate in.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry that I do not act within the common sense of what is best for all.

I compromise myself through repetitive allowance of attention diversion. It's bullshit. It's shameful. And this is where SF come in. Breathe..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, for a long time, continue to participate in the video game because I want to have lots of virtual coins. Why? I want the purchasing power, even if it is only within the game. Oh man, there is something else going on here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be greedy and filled with desire to have lots of (virtual/not real) money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will have real satisfaction from unlocking something new. This is a primary additive point for most video games.

Now, why is this (guilty) indulgence something that I must stop? It's who I am within it. I reduced myself to a simplified, zombie state. Motivated by a transient/null reward, I play it every day so I can get the "super mystery box" each time I play. The consequence of letting this play out, unchecked, unmoderated, unfettered, automatically, is an accumulation of lost time, time that I will never get back. And this is vital time. I am walking my process. Don't I want to be as effective as I can be? YES! I do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with myself for relinquishing my attention.

I commit myself to to patiently and consistently work myself back to here by investigating these long running patterns of lost time where I have allowed an attention diversion and deliberately not investigate it.

I'll continue tomorrow with more detailed SF on Self-Attention. For now, If you are curious about the video interview I was watching, I am happy to inform you that it's publicly available here: The Solution of Attention

:)

Day 221 - Developing Self-Trust

Where did it go missing? When?

Never had it? Yeah.

Why? ...more importantly, HOW do I establish it.

I think the why has to do with ease. The tendency has always been to seek truth outside of self. Like a game of accumulating things to trust, and the more stuff I found that I could trust, the more trust worthy I would be to others...

SNAP. There it is again. This 'others' orientation, this externalized self-definition. So my starting point has always been in separation of myself. Oh wow.

That's How I Haven't yet established Self-Trust. Shoot. I've gone my whole life trusting others to tell me what's what....even who I am!
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place trust in others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to show myself who I am, how I am existing; to give myself context within the moment that is here to determine who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust others to show me who I am, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others' negative reactions to me / my being because I feared having to face myself in that negative light. Inside of this is my reluctance to face or own up to others negative perceptions of me, and also having to deal with suppressing them to maintain my positively charged self-concept. Digging deeper.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have always placed trust in my external to determine truth. I now realize how little I thought of my self, my worth, my ability to determine or create reality. This goes deep. Into relationships even, where I have not trusted my self to lead anther through space-time. Leadership skills on the rise. Patience. Persist within my self-investigation process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am less than others through the design of placing all my trust into others.
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The design of self-trust as/through self-honesty is not a "naturally" occurring realization. The process of developing self-trust through, with, and as developing self-honesty would not have occurred to me without the unexpected Desteni message. So, I realize and understand that to build self-trust, I must become self-honest. And that implies a lot. Simple, yet extensive. To be honest with myself is digging deep into myself and facing each point. No running. No allowed fear. Fear is examined to find the source point, to forgive myself for allowing that source point to define who I have become. Developing self-trust is not an overnight happenstance. I'm in it for the long haul. And I can't blame you for not trusting me, as I have never trusted myself. I encourage you to investigate where(when/who) you have separated trust from yourself in your world and why. This is it. This is the Journey to Life. Serious. Mind your mind, self-deceiver.
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When and as I see myself looking to the external for feedback to determine who I am, I stop I breathe. I realize this is not who I am as the starting point is in separation and in that I am not giving myself the opportunity to be honest with myself about who I am in that moment. I commit myself to writing about experiences where I have gone into a positive/negative reaction regarding myself from an external/reflected starting point perspective. This is my mind. Hello mind!

When and as I see myself as unworthy / unable / afraid to direct myself and/or others in any situation, I stop I breathe. I realize that my inferiority complex is not real, rather it is an accumulation of self-doubt. I commit myself to exercising all of my self-doubt programs through self-forgiveness and corrective application, until I am stable within my directive capacity from the starting point of breath. One and equal. Best for all. Duh.

on flickr