Day 266 - Success and Failure pt.2

Continuing with:

Day 264 - Success vs Projected Success
Day 265 - Success and Failure pt.1

Yesterday I forgave myself for living within a projected dream reality of myself as successful. I had realized that I've been holding myself back from achieving success in the real, physical reality by existing in the glorious realm of ego and imagination. Furthermore, I'm now realizing how desire is a barrier to success. How? Why?

When I self-honestly take a look at what's behind the desire, I'm suppressing facing myself in reality. The uncomfortable nature of resisting facing reality becomes enough to cave and cascade into desirable distractions such as chowing down on some delicious candy pieces, grooving to music videos on youtube or playing cheap video games that call for my attention pretending to be something that matters. These two points could warrant their own blog posts, but what matters, what really counts here, is doing what it takes to change my behavior.

Being thorough with exploring my motivations really helps in the writing process. It opens up my ability to understand myself and really, I mean really, self-intimately, forgive myself for allowing myself to exist within and as such a program. At that point of release, I open a door for myself to change my behavior which is the whole point of process. The commitment statements are the forging of the new program that I am creating for myself, except this time, I'm not doing it as an automated reaction. This time, I am the directive principle creating myself in alignment with what is best for myself and all others, equal and one.

Today, I commit myself to ending the abuse of my time. I realize that I can take breaks and enjoy life, but to be irresponsible and suppress reality with abusive consumption is no longer accepted or allowed. This is my life and despite the resistance I experience toward doing hard work, I commit myself to drive myself through it all and live here, in the moment to moment awareness of life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize or understand the self-compromise and imminent consequence that accumulate through abdicating my responsibility to direct myself within the common sense of each moment in self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress who I am in relation to how I am spending my time through moving into distractions that are of fleeting enjoyment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to underestimate who I am within one breath, what I can accomplish within one breath, how I can change within one breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility of self-direction and give into the persuasive forces of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to empower the feeling of resistance through allowing it to expand and develop while I participate in it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am the creator of the resistance energy, and that if I allow it to direct me it, I've given myself to the resistance program. The program of resistance being a feeling of discomfort when facing certain moments of reality that I have told myself I don't like doing (i.e. working hard), followed by alleviating that discomfort through suppression/distraction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define 'hard work' within the parameters of the resistance program, when the reality is that I rather quite enjoy myself while working hard to achieve success.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself through the design of resistance -> desirable distraction -> compounding consequence.

When and as I see myself moving into a time sink (distraction) with little to no consideration of time management, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am habitually allowing myself to suppress resistance to maintain a positive experience of self without investigating why I feel resistance in the first place. I commit myself to breathe through resistance, and to continually do this until this becomes the new habit.

...letting that one sink in...overnight

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Day 244 - Where has my Attention Gone?

Continuing from yesterday, I am expanding here on how my attention like to wander. I realize that each individual instance of attention wandering may have various, specific points that require my attention, ha. So the basis of all my self-investigation work requires that I be attentive to what takes my attention away.

cc

I have labeled myself as having ADD, but what that actually entails, I have not thoroughly investigated. To define it, once and for all, Attention Deficit Disorder is, in my experience of it, an agility of thought that moves on to the next thought rapidly and frequently. I can pay attention to something for a long time if I need to/want to, but usually I just don't want to. So, ADD for me is kind of a positive mind state seeking. I want to be engaged with the next thought. That's the positive definition that I have utilized to cope with "ADD."

The negative side is how the willingness to not give too much attention to any one thing causes much unfinished business. I tend to have a difficult time with long and tedious work, and usually just let my mind jump around until I must stay focused (i.e. procrastination & delay patterns). When I used to smoke weed, my attention was diverted continuously within a favorable experience, and the primary consequence was a trail of unfinished work/projects/pursuits. I don't blame the flower, but it did positively amplify the experience of my attention frolicking.

So, this point of establishing a stable attention within myself and in reference to my own self-honesty that is here in every single breath is not going to be as simple and straight forward as I would like it to be. What I've liked is the "freedom" of a wandering attention. This is a major key: realizing that this "freedom" is not real freedom. It's more accurately a predictable out flow of lack of self-control over my attention. My willingness to jump around with whatever is impulsed my way is like the ultimate programming, isn't it? I've opened myself up to psychological attacks from the media, namely,sex and money appeal, but even just now the bag of cookies that my brother just put in front of my face (impulse) caused an internal debate that lead to an imagination and mouth watering that took over control and I ate a damn cookie. In this specific case, I realize that I need to investigate several dimension of my sugar eating character.

Bottom line: establishing a consistent self-awareness of myself AS my attention will be a great benefit to my discipline. Enough prelude.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed with the alternative attention outlet such that I build up an internal friction-energy that takes me away from my self-attention. So, a key realization here is that what I am correcting is my relationship to the individual subjects/objects of attention that seem to take me over.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself go within an energy experience overlay onto whatever is calling for my attention without me considering who I am within that movement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be here with myself as breath in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my self-attention is who I am, and within this, every time my attention is diverted, I am responsible for that, it was my decision.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility and self-awareness when I become distracted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself within a series of attention grabs. In this my sense of awareness of self, of my breath, is nonexistent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget about my breath of life as who I am in every moment when I blindly follow whatever catches my attention.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my directive power away to whatever distraction that I have deem as interesting. In this process, I am not creating a self-honest agreement in relation to relinquishing my attention from one thing to the next. I am merely within a reactive, predictably programmed mind experience that I had once created within myself from a starting point of self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define all self-interested pursuits as valuable and worthy of my attention  not realizing that through this program, I am placing control of my attention outside of myself as I passively seek fulfillment of this desire, which is the base program of my automatic attention diversion acceptances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to intentionally become distracted because I am experiencing resistance to what is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not always be present with my breath, what is here, and what requires to be done.
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When and as I see myself within the friction of an internal debate for my attention, I remember to stop and breathe. I realize that if I am with my breath, I may take into consideration a stable perspective and make a real self-directed decision. I commit myself to stop allowing my attention to move with distractions when I become aware of my who I am as my breath. I commit myself to moving from a common sense starting point, and when I am in discord with that, I commit myself to investigate my relationship to whatever had grabbed my attention without permission.

When and as I see myself in a series of attention diversion, I stop I breathe. I realize that I need to start writing down all the distractions, so that I can remember and analyze what I deem is worthy of my attention. I commit myself to the self-honest investigation of all attention grabs.

When and as I see myself deliberately moving into a distraction, I stop I breathe until I am stable. I realize that this is just a well embedded system of conscious diversion. I commit myself to breathing through the resistance that lead me to make a deliberate choice to go into a distraction from whatever I was currently facing.

When and as I see myself in a loss of directive control of my attention, I stop I breathe. I realize I need to investigate the specifics of each particular attention preference that I have coded into my mind. I commit myself to bring myself back to my hereness with my breath, so that I may once again stand up and direct my attention to what is here, what requires to be done to create a world that is best for all.

Thank you.