Day 225 - Group Effort & Me

In school, I had always liked group projects because it would seem that my effort was amplified through the group. Within this is this group structure of accomplishing work, I could kind of hide my real effort. On the flip side, solo efforts were purely reflective of my effort, so there was no ability to hide. So, this lack of direct accountability while working in a group, gave an easy way out. It was kind of a leaning on the others, in such a way that I wasn't putting in an equal contribution; however, I would tailor my appearance when interacting with other group members to always provide the appearance that I was giving 100%. And I wasn't a total slacker. I would just do less than if, I was directly accountable for my work.

Now, within the Desteni group, I am repeatedly faced with this concept of self-honesty. This implies that I am to be holding myself directly accountable for my work. Cheating the system is no longer an option from the perspective that my point of reference to self is not externalized. In school, they would say, "when you cheat, your only cheating yourself," but I only considered my grade as significant. Back then I had placed much more emphasis on who I am toward others, not realizing that I sabotaged my learning potential by carrying this point through into the school system. They were right.

And now, I am no longer interested in finding the shortcut. Who I am within me is the point of significance, and how I appear to others from that internalized starting point will be a natural progression from. Ever more self-honest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to cheat the system by taking short cuts, not realizing that by putting in 90% and making it look like 100%, I'm lying to myself. 90% is 90%

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what others think of me is all that matters, so that as long as I was getting good grades and a college degree, I was doing fine.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I have been compromising myself through repeatedly searching for the way to amplify doing less work, and in this, how I have been taking advantage of group efforts by hiding my true work ethic within the group behind a smile and tailored presentation of my attitude toward working hard, so that others would think that I was one of the hardest working members of the group while I was still trying to just get by.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take advantage of group situations to lie to myself and others about my work ethic, and then take credit as an equal for the final product.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be less than equal with my effort input while working in a group as equals.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I can get away with doing less work and hide behind the group's sum-total effort.
When and as I see myself pretending to be putting more effort into a project than I truly am for the sake of others' approval, I stop I breathe. I realize that this facade is detrimental to the group's potential, and even more so to me because I'm trying to exist as the illusion when I'm not being honest with myself AND I'm not giving myself the opportunity to put in my best effort. I commit myself to stopping the energy used to put up a false image of my work ethic, humble myself, and get to work within the context of my best efforts. I owe it to the group and to myself!

When and as I see myself desiring to do less work because I can get away with it, I stop I breathe. I realize that even if I CAN get away with it, make my efforts look all nice and pretty so that no one questions me, I will still be left with the truth of myself that I will have to face. I commit myself to no longer suppressing the deceit of myself within myself.

When and as I see myself working hard and motivate BECAUSE of the external pressure as expectation, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is in part why I have externalized and defined my value from the perspective of how I perceives others' perceptions of me. I commit myself to working hard within and for myself, building self-trust and self-worth from the starting point of myself. I and the value, and if others don't see it, I investigate why not. Ever more integrity.

Journey on.