Day 338 - What am I waiting for?

Why would one not walk process, especially when one understands the value? How is it that I can remain in my patterns of irresponsibility? What am I missing.

"Investigate: What are you waiting for?" said Bernard.

I took that and ran with it. It's a great question to ask oneself. And so I explored my innards with this question a bit and a few things came up from different contexts. What I found tonight is:

- not feeling comfortable within my effectiveness when applying self-forgiveness.
- embarrassment, which is ego related and multidimensional.
- fear, which I know is a nonsense creation of mind, except for physical, real danger.


In blogs to come, I will expand myself more with this question because it's such a nice way to expose the living patterns of limitation that I've accepted as my beingness. Once the investigation is to a satisfactory level of clarity, I'm ready to forgive myself in a specific and comprehensive manner. I may not get it perfect on the first try, hence the process, but I'm realizing something rather important: If I don't move myself, myself doesn't move.

So that leaves 100% of the change responsibility in my hands. Meaning, I must first go from realization, to understanding the change process, to actually implementing the steps of change. Now, the mind, I've noticed, becomes transfixed on the imagined end point. It's like being blinded by completion without physical movement, which is where real change must happen. So, the first step is to get properly oriented to the physical process of change, realizing it's going to take time. A commitment is required to change self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a commitment because I have placed myself into a risky situation where I could fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I do not trust myself, and thus create a failure anxiety before I've even tried to change or live myself into a new direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not just go for it, try, potentially fail, learn, and get up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear commitment because I would take failure personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take anything personally, not realizing that I've been living in the limitation of ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am defined by one failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my mind into the future and limit my actions based on how I see myself minimizing the risk of embarrassing situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the extent of how I use embarrassment to limit my self-expression.

When and as I see myself thinking about how I might fail at something in the future, I stop I breathe. I realize that the future has not happened yet, and that a projection is merely a possibility. I commit myself to start leading my life by principle, to start testing my projections, and shatter my self imposed limitations on how to express myself as living being.

When and as I see myself fearing failure or embarrassment from an ego platform, I stop I breathe. I remember to look at the situation practically and by principle: Is my participation what will be best here? I commit myself to stopping my thought and taking in all the relevant information of my environment with one inhale, make a principle based decision of my participation, and moving / speaking accordingly.

When a resistance is so strong that I move according to it, my pre-programming from the days of ego-oriented self-interest, the days of protecting my self-image, of fearing for it and wanting to nurture it, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is the old me, the mind-directed me. I commit myself to clearing this mental paranoia, for a moment and acting within the principle of what is best for all.

When this happens, I commit myself to write about the experience and investigate the resistance, discover the underlying pattern, the consequences that I've created through accepting and allowing this outdated program to direct me.

Once the writing investigation is complete, I commit myself to walk the process of self change.

Thank you.

Day 282 - Self-Judgement Quicksand

While driving the 6 hour trip down to Santa Barbara, CA for a final visit before my remaining friends graduate, I listened to several EQAFE interviews. This one called Omnipresence of Self Judgement really stood out in terms of the descriptive visuals of the experience and dynamics of self-judgement.

In my own language, I conceptualize the judgements of myself feeling like quicksand. At first I wanted to say 'like cement,' but that word implies more of a hopelessness. Specifically, this comes up for me in the moment before I might assert myself socially or professionally. Instead of taking a breath and just speaking what I want to say, I find myself sinking backward into the center of the quicksand of my mind. The more I fight with myself in my mind, the fast I build up the resistance energy into a complete unlikelihood of speaking up.

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Even asking for assistance, sometimes I'll get choked up within the same way. Quicksand is deadly! And self-judgement has been deadly in my social/professional life. This is not acceptable. Today marks the beginning of a new awareness venture: How do I judge myself?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to freeze up in a moment of interpersonal interaction and continue within my mind domain through various negative backchat related to how or why I shouldn't assert myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate my relationship to my mind and internal reactions when I experience a fear of speaking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my own inner dialogue instead of participating in reality in being here with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wander into potentialities that I create in my mind and not realize it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will fail if I am to assert myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define failure in such a way that it feels like it would be the end of me if that failure were to happen. Within this there is a fear of embarrassment that comes from having to uphold a reputation or external definition of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to take the safer route by not asserting myself at all, in this defining failure as a worse than not trying...which is a guaranteed failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my failure by inaction, so I do not have to recognize the failure consequence, and in this protect my 'shy' personality and remain within the belief that to try and fail is more scary and not worth it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that success only comes through failing, learning, and trying again. I only ever really fail when I stop trying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not try, and to justify that within fear based backchat, and to believe those justifications are valid.

When and as I see myself going into my mind when in the company of others, I stop I breathe. I realize that I do not need to consult my inner self via thoughts to be able to effectively interact with my environment. I commit myself to giving myself the opportunities to try, to fail, and to learn and keep breathing.

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I once read that the first step to getting out of quicksand is to be completely still..

Day 279 - Thumb Sucka

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Yesterday, I ended my post with a postscript as a note to self to go back and investigate the relationship between my nail biting habit and my early childhood thumb sucking habit. No time like the present.

Today, I was half aware and proactively examining my nail biting behavior while at the cinema. I did noticed that there was a factor of comfort that I haven't really been aware of in my past considerations of this habit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not make the connection between my nail biting habit and my previous thumb sucking habit, never realizing that I maintaining the habit of comfort I received from this posture/behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid that I have become orally fixated.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thinks that I will stop my nail biting habit sometime in the future, not realizing how placing a future date on self-change directs self-responsibility to change self away from here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to wait until I am more able to take on a point that I believe is too deeply ingrained for me to be able to effectively address now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I fear change and will make up nearly an excuse to avoid self-responsibility, here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to comfort myself within nail biting and not realize this as a reactive starting point to something I found makes me uncomfortable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate what drives me to discomfort when and as I bite my fingernails.

When and as I see myself biting my nails, I stop I breathe, and I hold that in-breath for 4 counts. I realize my responsibility of self-direction in that moment. I commit myself to understanding that I will only ever break this habit through applied self-will in every moment.

When and as I see myself overwhelmed with a sense that I cannot take on such a deep seated point as nail biting or thumb sucking, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am the only person who can take on any points I discover within myself. I also realize that I am the one allowing myself to fear/resist self-change. I commit myself to identifying and breathing through the self-change fear as an experience of resistance.

When and as I see myself feeling fidgety with a desire to chew on my nails or surrounding skin, I stop I breathe. I realize that if I really breathe through this desire, I will prevent myself from entering another nail biting timeloop. I commit myself to repeatedly act within this principle of awareness of self, as who self is as thought, word and deed. As I practice applying my breath awareness, I become increasingly self-directive within and as my breath. I commit myself to stop allowing myself to bite my nails through suppressing my self, my will, my life, my decision to live and understand my automation so that I may walk the correction in moving myself into alignment with what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste time biting my nails.

To Be Continued

Day 236 - My Favorite Excuse

Continued from yesterday (Day 235 - Opportunist vs. Excuse Maker) & exposing my favorite excuse:

Fear of failure

The only issue with fear of failure is that it's HUGE. It's central to most of my decision processes. And the forms it takes on like embarrassment, rejection, inability, loss, etc. What I find is that when I am faced with particular opportunities, I will have that experience of "not being able to do it." Before I even realize the experience, I am moving away from it, seeking the next best option that IS doable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear placing effort into a project that I think I will not succeed at.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am wasting time if I fail, not realizing that success depends on failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to FEAR FAILURE.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to FEAR FAILING.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn away or give up on the pursuit of anything that I fear failing at.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself that I have been cowering in fear when I redirect to a more obtainable goal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have defined myself as one who enjoys a challenge so long as I believe I am able to succeed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become motivated by failure, either to shy away or become invigorated with the challenge.

primary memory of positive fear motivation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand how I have created  polarity within the experience of failure, and only really considered the positive affect of becoming motivated to overcome fear, and suppressing the moments when fear motivates me to run.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define fear and cowardice as weak, and through that charge have refused to see myself in that light.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate how I am moved by fear in the negative/weak polarity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just go with the fear within an unconscious statement that who I am is a coward.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my self-judgement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am a coward.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place fear of failure as an authority and yet still believe that I am greater than fear, not realizing myself as the fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I create the fear, and thus create my reality.
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When and as I see a movement of fear within me when faced with an opportunity, I stop I breathe. I realize myself as the creator of this fear emotion. I commit myself to stop simply allowing fear of failure to direct me. I commit myself to acknowledging the fear as equal and one with myself, and through this I decide who I am in that singular moment: self-directed or fear-directed.

When and as I see myself motivated by fear to overcome challenges that I believe I can succeed in doing, I stop I breathe. I realize that this positive version of failure motivation is an energetic polarity of the fear that disables me. I commit myself to facing challenges and opportunities from a stabilized starting point assessment of what is here and what I can practically do.

When and as I see myself defining myself by fear or fearing to realize how I have made a living statement of myself in fear, I stop I breathe, I realize that it takes great courage to admit to fear because admitting fear entails a moment of lack of courage. I commit myself to stop the double dipping of cowardice and start owning up to my fears while being brutally honest with myself.

When and as I see myself turn away from a challenging opportunity because I am afraid to fail and within that waste time, I stop I breathe. I realize that I learn through failure and by allowing fear to direct me away from trying to succeed will result in never trying, and thus never succeeding. I commit myself to fail so that I may stand up strong having faced failure.

I commit myself to spending more time analyzing and decoding my relationship to fear and failure, so that I may steadily work through each layer.

I realize that fearing failure, creates real failure. I commit myself to no longer accept failure within fear. Self-directed failure, I invite. That is how I will grow. Thanks.

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Day 233 - Hope vs. Hard Work

I had been neglectful of doing hard work for reasons unknown to me. The foremost answer that comes to mind when I ask myself why, is that I truly haven't worked very hard for anything. I have been fortunate and privileged for the majority of my life. Now I find myself debate-free with a college degree, and yet I still do not know what it is to work hard. This changes here.

In my Journey to Life, I investigate who I have become through the many influences throughout my life. I realize that I am a product of these influences by choice of what I accepted and allowed within me through the base programs of fear and self-interest. Through fear of failure and preordained fortune, I have found myself quite content with minimal effort or struggle...and now that I am faced with the world's money system, I see that the passive, hopeful route is not going to cut it. And in terms of this self-investigation process, I have been holding myself back through my bare-minimum work ethic. This stops here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on hope and luck to determine my success.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only work as hard as was required of me from my external forces.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking responsibility for my self-direction within work and accomplishment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing uncertainty to dictate who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just go with the flow of my environment because I was able to live comfortably without asserting my effort, and thus was enabled to hide my fear of failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the extent to which I was afraid to assert myself because I was afraid to fail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my environment to act first so I wouldn't have to take responsibility for anything.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect what I hoped would come true, to come true.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my past fortune indicates future fortune, and through this design I existed within hope without realizing it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself that I am hopeful of a fortunate future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to work hard only when I was assured of success or fair payoff.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to set the bar low for myself instead of striving to really excel wherever I apply myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand up and direct my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait for my world to present opportunity to me that I would take if I was certain that wouldn't fail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my fear of failure from myself through hope and waiting for fail-safe opportunity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be passive within my world, accepting the hope as an alternative to hard work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I could simple attract (LOA) fortune to me through the design of hope and positive thinking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not work hard.
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When and as I see myself waiting for opportunity, I stop I breathe. I realize that I could be waiting my whole life or I could be utilizing my time to make something of myself and of my world and reality. I commit myself to work hard for my rewards in life from now on, meaning: NO MORE LOA,  HOPE, or WAITING.

When and as I see myself passively hoping for that pretty girl to talk to me, I stop I breathe. I realize that fear of failure/rejection has a solid foundation within me. I commit myself to patiently & persistently picking apart my experience pf failure and rejection within myself, so that I may forgive my allowed passive existence and get on with living!

When and as I see myself immobilized by fear of failure, I stop I breathe. I realize there are many forms and circumstances of which this personality characteristic comes into play. I commit myself to move myself through the resistance generated by this fear and when I do not, to investigate the specifics of that particular event. I commit myself to write about my fear until I understand it and release it. It does not serve me, and I do not need to protect it, so why have I been? I believe in the experience of fear and thus empower it.

When and as I see myself hoping, praying or desiring something without having to work for it, I stop I breathe. I realize myself in the physical and I realize that practical, physical steps are how create my world and reality. I commit myself to using my words and my physical body to make shit happen. No more innocent, wishful, naive, positive thinking in the form of hope. I commit myself to the residual realization of how I can get stuff done with hard work.

When and as I see myself passively waiting for my momentous fortune to carry me through life, I stop I breathe. I realize the illusion that is my mind. I realize that the overlap between mind and reality can be convincing. I realize that disappointment in oneself is certain with a reliance on hope to carry me forward. I commit myself to taking that breath and moving myself within a practical plan to accomplish my goals.

pic credit: deviantart.com