Day 366 - Year 2: Adjusting My Starting Point

It's simple to write, and yet there are all these reasons, excuses, and resistances that can come up in the mind. You can probably relate to the inner thought, "I just don't feel like it right now."

I'm coming to realize that we are constantly and continuously creating our reality through these perceptual moments AND I too often seem to be at the whim of my fluctuating feelings and emotions. It's like I could learn a thing or two from my heart: the way it just keeps beating, doing work; not just when it feels like it, but constantly and continuously. Until that moment when it stops, of course. So I look at myself, and I see a person that moves himself rather inconsistently at the moment, and yet the day when I stop completely grows nearer constantly and continuously.

The point: Will I continue to accept and allow myself to be a victim of my own conditioned mind patterns? If I do that, then I'm going to end up with the conventional life that I set out to leave behind when I dedicated my life to understanding. To really understand self, there are some mental phenomena that need to be stopped. It's not cool to sulk within a lethargic energy experience because I've trained myself to rely on internal energy experiences to motivate myself. It's not alright that I am deliberately making multiple decisions from the starting point of serving the mind (seeking positive experience or avoiding negative experience). It's most certainly not groovy to think all that matters in the world is my experience of myself within it.

For too long I have accepted and allowed myself to shape my self-belief based on the feedback I get from others.

For too long I have accepted and allowed myself to shape my self-belief based on the feedback I fear I would get from others.

During my first year of Journey to Life blogging, my starting point was based on this socially constructed self-belief. I did realize that I wouldn't have it all perfectly sorted out from the get go, so I allowed myself to go into it with this energy-motivation that specifically fulfilled my ego needs. I enjoyed the recognition and the feeling of writing a good post. I hadn't considered the consequence. Feeling good has to balance out with feeling bad, regardless of how much we try to suppress the bad from our conscious remembrance (this is where self-honesty comes in). I didn't make the connection between that positive feeling reward from writing a good blog post, to the negative emotion of fearing that it wouldn't be a good post.

All the speculation, and worry, and need to be seen as awesome and fear of being judged as not; it's all shit. It's all a product of how I've structured my mind to best suit the idea of myself! This ego. This socially constructed and validated idea of who I am in this reality.

I stop. I breathe.

This is the choice I commit myself to start getting more acquainted with while walking my real-time process. I have spent a long time investigating the Desteni Message, and honestly it did take awhile to sort through it all. But I was already on board with the Oneness idea when I was in my spiritual phase, spending a bunch of money to activate my DNA and become an ascended master to leave my mark in the world. Haha, so it took a few years wrestling with the contradiction of equality before I could no longer remain stubbornly in my pursuit of wanting to become more than others. I saw how I wanted to be better than others because I held a semi-suppressed belief that I was worse than others.

Oneness and Equality: Best for All

Eventually, it just makes absolute sense. When the mentally induced resistance subsides. When the ego-preservation mechanism is trumped by self-honest consideration of the whole picture. When I begin to let go of the belief of who I am that is an externally constructed idea. When I start coming to terms with the fact that I'm not so special. When I start looking at the reality of myself in contrast to the idea of myself. When I put myself in the shoes of another...

I realize I want what is best for all.

The problem is, I've created my mind for 2 decades within the objective parameters of wanting what was best for me. I CONDITIONED MYSELF TO THROW MY NEIGHBOR UNDER THE BUS. In literal terms, I ridicule and judge others to make myself feel superior. All I've ever cared about was me and my success. Sure I wanted to make a positive impact in the world, but I had no concern about a hypocritical means to a glorified end.

Now, I can't sit here in this perceptual reality of self-judgment. I take responsibility for who I was and here is how I'm going to do it: I'm closing the gap between my past self, my present self, and my future self. They are all here, and I take responsibility for directing each aspect through a process of forgiveness and corrective application.

Over the course of this next year:

I commit myself to clearly exemplify my process of writing and self-corrective application.
I commit myself to write more frequently than I have been the past 6 months.
I commit myself to start deciding to stop and breathe when and as I see myself in a mind-created reality.
I commit myself to support what best for myself and others through reformatting my mind and reprogramming it with awareness.
I commit myself to see who I am as one and equal with who I've been and who I want to be.
I commit myself to prioritizing physical actions to create in reality.

AND for the final point of this post:

I commit myself to adjust my application within process to include equal parts of self-forgiveness to corrected application, 1:1, meaning: this game of glorifying self ends here. I commit myself to assist and support myself through writing and writing and writing until I am clear and stable within self-understanding AND practice the correction until my self-change is lasting and real.

Thank you.

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