Day 388 - Realizing My Utmost Potential: Purifying Self-limiting Beliefs

I've now published my Declaration of Principle, and now it's time to start detailing what it practically means so as to provide a road map for myself. This is necessary because the process that is required to live by these principles constantly demands specificity. This is not an act of positive thinking. This is the real nitty-gritty of self-transformation, and it begins here.

I'd like to start with a quote from Sunette Spies:

"I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand how my “within” would become my “without” – where: I kept on accepting and allowing self-doubt, insecurity, fear, uselessness to sabotage my relationship to responsibility, then responsibility would come and accept/allow “I am not good enough” to take over – which then leads to me disappointing myself and others when it comes to responsibilities until eventually…I stopped placing myself in ‘responsible’ / ‘dependable’ situations and embraced the ‘irresponsible’ / ‘undependable’ persona."

 The original blog post can be found here. When I read this, I could instantly relate to it and could see how I am also sabotaging my relationship to responsibility through self-doubt, insecurity and fears that connect intimately with my self-concept, who I believe myself to be. What I notice about this point in particular is that I'm uncomfortable while contemplating it. It's like I don't have the words to fully understand what's going on, so I could extrapolate that I've never understood why I have been walking throughout my life with these 'heavy', self-limiting beliefs.

It follows that: I cannot live my fullest potential, if I have not yet realized my fullest potential; and I cannot see my fullest potential if I am perpetually am entangled with self-limiting belief systems that dominate my consciousness with a fierce fear-energy that I have not ever sorted out. What a mess! To map this out, it looks like: I'm accepting and allowing belief systems about who I am / who I can become because underneath of those beliefs lies the fear-energy that I've never faced.

Flowing with fear = never realizing or living to my utmost potential.

I now commit myself to expose these layers of the mind to myself, so that I may adequately support myself to become my utmost potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow beliefs about who I am and what I can/cannot do. I realize that this acceptance and allowance these internal, self-limiting beliefs, without questioning, is detrimental to my fullest living expression of myself, here on earth. I commit myself to question and examine all my beliefs more thoroughly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quickly accept and allow my beliefs so as to not see the exact details of how I had created these beliefs in the first place. I realize that a hasty acceptance of beliefs is likely propelled by systematic energy in my mind that I've created and compounded over and over through my perceptions, choices and habits throughout my life. I commit myself to firstly stop creating and accumulating these belief-substantiating energies of the mind; this I realize is a process preceding real self creation in the physical world. I commit myself to recognizing the hasty nature of self-limiting beliefs, so that I may then stop, breathe, and go into the details of the belief system, look at the fear and various systematic energies, and to from there go immediately into spoken self-forgiveness and/or writing. I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing unquestioned self-beliefs to direct me in ways that sabotage my responsibilities and capacity to take on additional responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shy away from taking on additional responsibilities because I believed I couldn't handle them or would fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat "I can't handle more responsibilities," and/or "I may fail," not realizing the fears and justifications behind these thoughts that perpetuate self-limitation and prevent self-expansion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not, in detail, go through all of the justifications, beliefs, and the fears behind them, that have kept me from exploring and expanding my capacity to handle more responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate responsibility because I wanted the "freedom" of having little or no responsibility, not realizing the equation of responsibility = power = freedom. I realize that I've been deluding myself to believe that RESPONSIBILITY is a 'bad' thing...and now that I see the vast implications of this poorly defined word. I commit myself to continue with the redefinition of the word responsibility in my next post.

I commit myself to structuring my responsibilities in such a way that I can effectively accomplish more and more. I realize that doing this requires lifestyle changes. I commit myself to begin letting go of that which does not serve what is best for me, and so all.

To be continued...

photo source: flickr

Day 376 - Resistance Toward Redefining LOVE

For context, read my last post to get the opening context for how I am opening up my relationship to love.

I have experienced a bit of resistance toward this LOVE redefinition process, and I wrote about the resistance and accidentally lost that initial writing when I refreshed my blogger page. I reacted to this with discouragement and delayed writing my next post even longer. Self-sabotage.

The plan is now to continue writing about my resistance toward this point, but I'm going to open up even more dimensions to it than I did initially. Those points were related primarily to fearing what others and past lovers would think about me, my philosophy and the direction I'm taking in my life in relation to LOVE. My writing and forgiveness process within it allowed me to see that I'm the one judging myself, which has been very disabling in my areas of this journey to life process. Behind this self-judgment was a lack of Self-Trust, which structurally looks like I've been allowing myself to continue to define myself based on what others do/say/think in reaction to my expression. I place my trust in others to reflect and define myself, my worth, my personality. If it wasn't so 'natural', I'd say it's insane.

My personal experience with the word LOVE also plays a significant role. The feelings and emotions that I associated with love were never stable, so I could never say for certain that I loved another because the feeling did not stand the test of time. I even used to say, "my definition of love upgrades with every relationship." Interesting that I used the word upgrades, which shows me that I've been climbing for higher and higher experiences of LOVE within each of my relationships. More on this in the next post.

Love as it is defined in various movies and media is really a peculiarity. They often depict the moments where that human emotion is strongest, and then there is some conflict, and then LOVE perseveres in the end. So now our culture has become obsessed with finding their happy ending. Reality is so much different, and yet we prefer ignorance because of a mental phenomena that allows us to quickly overlook reality before we even realize that it's real, and so go on with the delusion that feels right, that feels good. Self-Honesty would be to not overlook reality, no matter how much you may want to.

Another reason I was resistant toward writing this post is because I don't know enough about LOVE. "I'm too young. Too inexperienced. Too biased. Too detached." This general design of not knowing enough, or not being good enough is without question a mind pattern that must be stopped. It's rooted deep inside of my mind through my constant participation within it throughout my life. I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I'm not good enough to be able to accomplish many things, and for that I forgive myself.

From here, I realize that I create today fresh. Unconscious belief systems that tie me to my past conditioning are serious mind problem, and I choose to let them go through self-forgiving. The resistance I've built up to writing about LOVE is unacceptable. I let it go. I don't need to have perfect coherence and solid tie ins to the title within every sentence. This is surely a limitation on my self-expression in writing. Is limiting myself through judgments and rules an act of Self-Love? What is Self-Love? I'll continue with this in my process of redefining LOVE.

flickr photo credit

Day 369 - Playing the Fool

Things just got bumped to the next level of serious. I currently now reside in the small town of Medfield Massachusetts in a quaint little apartment house with Garbrielle Goodrow. She and I have recently embarked on a life venture together known as an Agreement by fellow Destonians. I've spent the past few days just settling in: unpacking, adjusting to the cold weather, getting sick, setting up the internet, the basics.

Tonight was unique in two ways. One, I now live with a dog for the first time in my life! Woo! Two, we tested out the Tarot Cards that I had just unpacked from my luggage of goodies. Our starting point was curiosity, but my reason for bringing them in the first place was to find process points we could walk together. By process points, I mean issues or relationships within ourselves that need to be corrected or aligned into a stability that supports what is best for self and all. It turned out to be the most intense, self-reflecting, reading I've ever done.

Without getting too much into it, I’ll just give the highlights that need to be focused on here in my journey to life. The main card that was pulled was the Fool, and all the following cards were to be read in the context of the first card. In essence, the overall message was not good, and the way that I interpreted it all was by seeing the choice to either continue playing the fool in and of my life, or get self-honest and start directing myself to create outcomes that are best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to live a light-hearted and free spirited life, wherein I do not concern myself with real world problems, just enough to survive and support my little world inside my head where I am this awesome person that has nothing weighing me down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the outcome of this tarot card reading is inevitable and that I will likely fail in achieving my goals. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t be able to overcome my preprogramming: to act the fool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that through fearing the playout of my original destiny, I empower it by giving into this fear energy reaction, participating in it, and thus creating a starting point for manifesting it in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by fear in my self-creation process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be swayed by this tarot card reading into a self-compromising belief and self-judgment, instead of simply acknowledging the information and investigating a practical solution within the creation of myself and how I live on a day to day basis.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a victim of my past behaviors. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is too difficult for me to actually change myself, to create myself in spite of my preprogrammed destiny.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fears.

Taking all into consideration, I commit myself to no longer fearing my own fears, because within this I realize that I disempower myself to overcome fear and direct myself creation efforts from a clear starting point of here and now, within and as a breath.

Also, when and as I see myself looking at my past mistakes and failures in relation to who I want to be, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am not necessarily bound by my past. I commit myself to not judge my past, nor fear it. I commit myself to utilize my memories to see where I might has wanted to do something differently, and then write about it, align the solution within me, and map out how I will walk the correction from now onward, effectively putting the past to good use :)

When and as I see any fear building up within me, I stop, I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to go willy-nilly about my world creating outcomes that started from an internal starting point of fear. Within this I realize that I must become more specific with each exact fear to effectively stop this process of mental programming creation. And so, I commit myself to get specific with the fears that still hold me back from unconditional self-expression, and release them through the process of self-forgiveness and corrective application. I commit myself to flagging all fears for processing as such.

When and as I see that I am desiring to live a care free life, I stop, I breathe. I realize that this luxury is not available in our current world system for anyone AND everyone. Therefore, I commit myself to putting in the man-hours to ensure that I am adequately supporting myself financially, and then putting the extra man-hours to contribute everything I can to the creation of a world system that supports what is best, from birth to death, for all.

Day 350 - Deliberate Irresponsibility

I couldn't decide between 'deliberate self-sabotage' and 'irresponsible living' for this post title, so I combined the two. Basically, I have stayed up to extremely late hours of the night for the past two nights and for what? Entertainment. Some media shenanigans. To sit down, stare at a screen and wait for a chuckling experience.

I say, "no more!" This is a habit or pattern that I've been integrating into my beingness for many years. Just compounding the escapism. "I'm too tired to work or write a blog, but yeah let's do a TV show mini marathon." There's a similar design in bad eating habits too. "I don't want to eat responsibly because..., but sure I'll have a cookie. Oh that's a nice cookie...one more sounds good. Probably shouldn't have another..."(has another). And henceforth becomes pure denial and self destruction.

Okay. Now the point is here. Ready to be opened up! Reminder: do not move fast & self-honestly assess each and every dynamic that's with in this. First fear - Commitment. To actually walk a point through to completion requires a seriousness within/as the commitment to see it through. This is a fear relationship that I have long avoided. In fact, there are many points that I deliberately avoided because of some fear of loss or attachment that I've defined myself according to. I would get too overwhelmed to try and list them all here in one go, which is exactly how I as ego would approach assessing myself because through becoming overwhelmed, I delude myself into the mess that results when you do not investigate all things thoroughly.

So even now, my tendency is to just start looking for the other fears that are involved in this irresponsibility character I have going on. But ahhh; Till here no further. I stop, I breathe, and I investigate one point at a time.

I commit myself to actually investigating every single aspect comprising my relationship to the word 'commitment'. First and foremost, in the context of accomplishment. Within this, I realize that many dimensions will open up, and thus I commit myself to meticulously record all of what comes up while investigating this relationship to commitment and responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid doing self-forgiveness, and to rather now sleep...

(several days later)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to do what is best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify on a whim, not being responsible by recklessly overindulging in media to intentionally avoid facing responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately delay responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I must eventually, directly face the consequences of abdicating responsibility in a moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that "I have the time" to waste from within a perspective of ignorance where I do not take into consideration all of those who literally do not have any extra time to spare. The single mother working two jobs to support her and her kids. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I am responsible for the single mother of two through my acceptance and allowance of the system as it is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am entitled to my financial position in the world.

That's a powerful one. I can't believe that I've had this belief still running in the background. There are some serious implications here, and this point must be realigned within me. I commit myself to realizing and understanding the limitation of myself in the context of all within my relationship to money. It's cool how the money relationship came up here because even though I wasn't expecting it, it's a crucial component involved with abdicating responsibility.

I also forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to move slowly and thoroughly in my process, and within this for allowing a fast movement/reaction into delay and deliberate distraction. This is no long accepted in my life. I commit myself to leading a life filled with good habits in the absence of bad habits. To be more clear, I commit myself to be self-honest when deciding how to spend my time, and when and as I see myself in a pattern of choosing escapism over work, I stop, I breathe.

I breathe again, bring myself back into my body, breathe, and look at where I'm at, who am I here, and what is the bigger picture. Then I make a self directive decision.

More to come. Thanks for being patient with me.

photo source