Day 444 - Going Deeper

What was that?

This one, chill tab really enhanced my writing flow for this blog post!

Where was I?

How did I let myself stop writing for such a long time?

Fascinating, it is, to go deeper into what, why & how things have become they way they are in our lives.

Something cool I've realized in myself is that I have a lot to share. The uncool layer is that I was so wrapped up in my head about wanting to share in some ultra-specific, perfect way (and that's a deep hole!), that I would give way to simple resistances, such as "It can wait.." instead of pushing myself to be a better me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to share the gift of me, with me, and the rest of humanity. Unashamed. Raw. Humble. Whatever, just stop thinking about what/how others' care about my expression, prior to me just plainly & authentically being: me.

Who am I?

It's such a multidimensional question; and as such, it requires multiple answers. Let's take this one chunk at a time here, because I know there is a lot to who I am.

Prominently, I want to identify as a writer.....but today, it's more = "a writer, going through 'writer's block', for far long enough now."

But what's really going on, behind the scenes, that I'm using to justify such a long-standing act of limiting my own expression?

Today, I really wanted to keep this entry short, like the one prior, for ease of reading. Digestibility of my content, is one of my favorite criteria for publishing my works, and it's something of a gift, and a curse. I can either place myself in fear-paralysis that my expression will not be well understood, and build myself a "good enough" barrier that effectively bars my writing efforts; or I can simply take the principle into practice, work with improving my writing skills, expand the way in which I actively critique my writing, vs judging how I may be perceived from the stand point of others as the critics that I must impress. Done with that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to orient so severely to others' possible perceptions of me, that I have lost nearly all focus on driving my own divinity, as the authentic point of departure from my own breath. The me that isn't fucked with by the mind.

I commit myself to continue my journey to life, in writing, here for all to see. Maybe blogger, definitely steemit.com/@dan2all as I continue to work myself out of this lil slump I've been in. YouTube, I can't wait. I'm burning up wanting to share, stifled for way too long by only inner resistances. Fool.

I've worked on my writing and typing for YEARS...I am more than capable. Just need to see me and know that I can move in the ways I know I can move, and MOVE.

Can I write a blog every day this month?...of course I can. Who's going to stop me, but me and my own allowance of the mind's silly self-sabotage programming?! I've kinda been working myself into a corner, and I can't see many unknown variables at this point....I'm sure my mind could drum up something, naturally evolving in its self-preservation program, as it has, rising to the occasion to stop full life force flowin'.....but even this has gone on, and on, and on, and on...I'm starting to see the patters of patterns, and at this point, it seems I'd have to REALLLY want to hide, suppress, and give way to the mind, to keep choosing self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that, to any degree, I have accepted and allowed me to be dishonest with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide/cover/suppress various truths of me from my awareness, so that I do not have to accept the responsibility of what it really is to be alive.

I commit myself to blog each day this month. To drop in to a breath and begin. As resistances or fears come up, rinse and repeat with that breath.

No need to pre-edit my expression with subconscious chatter of yesteryear. I commit myself to place myself in writing, with whatever judgements I or others have of me, self-acceptance, and from there, see how I can improve the conveyance of me, through this awesome new multi-dimensional communication medium, commonly known as....

(see you tomorrow;)

Day 402 - The Perfect Writer Complex

"I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my process writing is not acceptable as perfection, and through this allow my inner critic to project a moment of self-judgment into the future - in this not realizing this as the purely self-sabotaging system of mind that this is - and choose to rather not write, so that I may continue to protect the fear that I am not walking my process effectively...and in this, not seeing or realizing how this fear is manifesting itself, nor understanding the impact of this in the bigger picture."

This opened up nicely for me last night. Again, I have access to the iPad tonight, so I'm going to continue with demolishing this particular self-sabotage construct that's been operational for far too long now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed when I sit to write because I don't feel that I will be able to produce writing that I will be proud of, especially in the context of anyone on the Internet being able to read and judge my writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value my effort in walking my process in writing based on how proud I feel about the end product, and how safe from others' negative judgments it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into fear ridden, conditional writing, where in my key focus is on how others will perceive my writing process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not write to unconditionally support myself and others within common sense sharing of my writing process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overcomplicate the blogging process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cycle and accumulate backchat as fear-based justifications in relation to why I shouldn't write a blog post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, IN MY MIND, create and define a more and more narrow structure for how my writing style and format should be, such that I get less and less confident that I am able to meet my own expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to measure and compare myself to my expectations of perfection, which are created through the mind projecting an ideal outcome, and then entertaining all the possible negative judgments that could be created about my writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to forget how to write comfortably, in an expression that emerges from my presence, my hereness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get wrapped up and invested in my cycling self-critical thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this to have gone on for this long without me realizing the simple solution of applying myself in a single moment.

This self application is a specific process. It's a process that I had clouded from myself through too much thinking. It's a simple process:

When there is a problem, I commit myself to here forward investigate it, ask myself questions, apply self-forgiveness and above all else, embody a solution oriented mindset. It's only when I began judging myself, and then double judging myself because of the problem. From there I would continue to elaborate on the problem, giving myself more and more reasons why I shouldn't write. If something is not working, raise a red flag, handle the issue with full attention and resolve to find the solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy with intellect and not realize that further participation in thought is not the solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand the consequence of entertaining the logic of the mind, which only served to dig my hole deeper, even though I thought I was smart by creating all these sound arguments for why I couldn't write to the level of perfection that would satisfy me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to evaluate my writing by any standard other than how effective it is in my personal process of supporting myself to move forward and transcend the mind constructs that hold me within a limited version of myself.

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed the belief to exist within me that if my writing is not of the utmost quality, then I will NOT be supporting myself or others according to the framework of what is BEST for all.

Ahh, I see what I did there. I distorted the phrase "best for all" into a point of self-sabotage wherein if my writing wasn't my best, then best not to write at all... Tricky mind-logic.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and justify the pressure to write at my most best, most perfect level of quality in terms of insight, realizations, phrasing, vocabulary, effectiveness, etc. - wherein this measure exists in separation of myself. In other words, I can and should write with my best effort, but here, no comparison exists because there is only myself, united with my best effort, expressing myself authentically. No second guessing and trying to cater my expression to a world wide audience, which in actuality is just a slice of my subconscious at that moment in time; meaning that I will only be catering my writing to subvert the possible judgments of one or a handful of those whom I'm imaging will read my writing.

See how convoluted that is? This is no way to express myself in real time through writing.

I will continue in the next post on a closely related point: the editing process.

Thank you.

Day 270 - Success and Failure pt.6

Continuing with:
Day 264 - Success vs Projected Success
Day 265 - Success and Failure pt.1 - Imagination Dimension of Success
Day 266 - Success and Failure pt.2 - Opening Resistance to Success
Day 267 - Success and Failure pt.3 - Spiraling Distraction
Day 268 - Success and Failure pt.4 - Components of Resistance
Day 269 - Success and Failure pt.5 - The Critical Moment

I am not sure why I am titling these posts in retrospect, but I like how it's working out! I have a general idea of what I'll name today's post. See if you can guess it right! The answer will be revealed tomorrow :)

While I was writing part 5 yesterday, I was very tuned into that critical moment of deciding to keep writing or to fall into a distraction. So much so that for the first time, I had followed through on an older commitment: To write down what distractions call for attention so that I may address them after I am finished with my intended line of duty. By writing them down, I felt a release of the tension caused by the inner struggle of whether or not to act on the desirable distraction, going into delay vs. staying on task. I simply made a physical note, and I could focus on my task more easily.

Why? I no longer feared forgetting to do what I wanted to do. Big one. That fear of losing what I had once wanted to do is highly uncomfortable. Interesting how I lead myself here.

How am I directing myself and yet digging up something I didn't already know I was going to find? Silly question. Or is it? I can determine how well I stay on task if I have a title written before I write the blog post.. On the other hand, this question's answer will show me if I am actively discovering myself through writing, or if I'm just reporting, embellishing, elaborating, and/or putting into perspective a point that I've already discovered.

The dynamic here is interesting because I can hide behind 'discovery writing' when the self-honest truth is I am not directing myself. I have already given into a cocktail of internally structured energetic forces. Let's see how much I can reveal about my writing motivation today.

• I am rushed by the self-imposed time stamp rule.
• I am typing from within my procrastination character
• I justified my delay of this post through having a general idea for how I would start it
• No way was I planning to write about the self-honesty of discovering myself through writing point.
• Because I didn't have to do the prep work for the blog since I did it after my last post, I was able to continually use that excuse all day.
• And furthermore, once I had accepted that excuse/justification for delay, it became automated in a way that made it much harder to see when I was utilizing it. Which gives some perspective to the elusive nature of resistance that I found during part 4.
• Fear
• that I can't make a good post if I have time to doubt myself.
• I use the time pressure to assist with a flow
• Justified
• don't want to sound contrived
• easier to stay focused when I can't afford the time not to be.
• I choose to ignore that I can flow without time pressure
• I choose to ignore that I am less effective when forced to flow.
• The writing is not for me when I place a system of delay/rushedness onto myself from an external standpoint (i.e. time)
• Justified
• I spend less time blogging when I am rushed/limited than when I give myself plenty of time (1hr vs 3hrs is a likely example)

There's a lot here. And I could probably keep going, but I'm limited to just 8 more minutes. "It's ok though because I've written a 'good' amount (consistent length)." What's cool about throwing words out of my fingers like today, is that I actually do discover and open up lots of points. What's not cool is how this habit limits my potential to expand within depth on a single point. So far, in my JTL, I've been kind of skimming the surface. I knew I would be because I had the excuse that "I'm just a beginner at this" so "as long as I'm writing.." I now realize there is a quality factor that I can only give myself when I really give myself the time to walk my self-investigation process as well as the time to practice the living application.

This is what process is.

I commit myself to practice living a self-directed structure of activity tomorrow, and write about the moments when I give into my internal energy structure that is the habits that guide me from day to day without awareness of my physical body. Join me tomorrow for an exploration into what I wrote today and the answer to the secret question: What is the title of this post going to be?

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