Day 132 - Fear of Changing (to be Self-Honest)

These fears that I have around stopping procrastination and starting work have to do with fear of change. It's sounds so simple as I write it like that, but I'm afraid that this fear of change is more frightening when under the microscope.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear the fear of change. This layering has prevented me from seeing that I actually fear change. I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see that I am afraid of change. Next layer, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change because I might mess up and change the 'wrong' way.

And the ball starts rolling. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making the wrong choice as defined as what is not in my best interest. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see that within acting in this fear, I create/manifest the fear as giving into other interests that may only serve my immediate pleasures.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to not consider the entire outflow of my actions and words.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that it is an act of self-dishonesty when I quickly decide to only pay attention to the positive outflows of my actions and words, positive defined within self-interest.

When and as I see myself move away from self-honest insight, I stop and breathe. I realize that my motivation to do this is to benefit that self-serving, pleasure center of my brain. I am my brain, and I am the mind; I accept the responsibility of my pleasure seeking creation. I commit myself to stopping this willy-nilly, pleasure seeking, time wasting character that flows into the polarity character of self-disappointment.

 I commit myself to keep investigating the character dynamics related to how I choose to use my time, wherein I selectively ignore or disregard the consequences of a choice and focus just on the immediate reward.

I commit myself to stopping the fear of change where I specifically stop allowing myself to hide the details of consequential outflows so that I may compromise myself for fleeting enjoyment.

I commit myself to stop disregarding the details of my choices.

I commit myself to further discovering where I have accepted and allowed myself to enter into the design of fearing fear. And I'll continue here.