Day 135 - Overwhelmingness vs. Delay
Through this process of self-investigation, I'm running out of places to hide. Actually, I'm finding that I have no place to hide. Every time I run, within self-honesty, I see myself.
So, with the increasing awareness, I am left starring at whatever I accept and allow. This is especially relevant with how I spend my time. When I take a breath and see that I've allowed myself to unexpectedly throw away the last 2 hours playing a silly video game, I get angry with myself instead of correcting the behavioral pattern. I am equipped with the tools to address this point of overwhelmingness vs. delay, and it's time to put time back in my hands.
This point is remarkably large. Even this statement is about this point is loaded with the opportunity to become overwhelmed and then delay addressing it, haha. This cyclical pattern is a really great example of a point in polarity where I bounce back and forth without any resolution, generating friction and energy that often manifests as self-anger / self-judgement, and the cycle is recharged. I am responsible for this perpetual polarity experience through my allowance within me. I can't just blame my parents for teaching it to me and have it go away. So I stand up for myself by taking responsibility for what I allow, and release it like this:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed by the polarity point of delay-overwhelmed, not seeing, realizing and understanding that I'm perpetuating the cycle through participating in the experience and allowing the friction/energy outlet as self-anger.
When and as I see myself becoming frustrated with myself for what I have allowed, I stop and breathe. I realize that I can write it out, and so write myself to freedom with the tool of self-forgiveness within self-honesty. I commit myself to stop running and trying to hide. I commit myself to addressing my allowance of participating in these experiences of being overwhelmed, giving up (as delay), and frustration with myself through the application of writing within this process.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with myself for allowing myself to continue along a path of self-compromise.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how I've been cycling within a polarity bound experience, generating an energy that acts as a positive feedback loop.
I commit myself to stopping the cycle within my breath, so that I may write about the pattern and ultimately establish self-trust within directing myself through space and time!
I commit myself to breathe when I get angry with myself. I realize this as self-judgment and understand it as being the opposite of self-supportive.
I commit myself to the thorough investigation of this point, and to no longer delay addressing it and all the related outflows of delay through fear behind the experience of being overwhelmed. I realize now that in moving through a multitude of fears, I generate the experience of being overwhelmed for which the simplest solution is to suppress, delay and focus on happy thoughts. I commit myself to the wholesome perspective of self honesty through space and time.
Delay is no longer a viable option. Bring it on resistance! I'm armed with self-forgiveness.
Thanks for reading.