This is what I've been trying to capture, and based on Day 140, I thought I could map out all of what is contributing to my delay pattern, work it through in one solid burst of attention, and be done with it. Yesterday, I realized that I created an external pressure to work this through, and I was no longer doing it for myself. Even though I thought I was, I was suppressing the thought of being driven to perform because of this blog being public and my responsibility to the group to be effective. I had been missing myself in the equation. Now, as I write, I can tell that I'm in my words for me because I'm not mitigating and managing thoughts to appear a particular way. I'm just writing about what I had intended to write:
Why and how am I dodging responsibility in the context of not being utterly self-honest?
So, instead of trying to lay out every point as I did in Day 40 for delay, I'm going to simply move through self-forgiveness on the points that are relevant in this moment. Sometimes a list (like yesterday's fear of loss list) is beneficial just as a reference point FOR SELF. Not so others can keep watch on me and make sure that I've done what I said I would do...this is the externalized fear point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself place the importance of my process onto the perception of others and them seeing me as effective.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I've been missing the point of self-honesty within my writing direction and thus compromising myself in accordance to my fear of being ineffective.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ineffective.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to attach fear to being ineffective, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize this design of manifesting my fears and allowing backchat thoughts. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed me to not realize the mind as safeguarding itself with backchat pertaining to a specific point, where I have not seen how I have been protecting my habits with the allowance of related, un-flagged thoughts to run as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be patient with myself in my process of actual self-change.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush toward the future/end, that which I fear, in an attempt to overcome my fear by force, where the typical result is a fall accompanied by self-anger.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with myself for failing to achieve success when I have not given myself adequate time to investigate myself thoroughly.
From here onwards, I commit myself to persist through resistance and get up after a fall without judging self.
When and as I see myself rushing to complete a point, I stop I breathe. I realize that this process of self-perfection requires that I be patient and steadfast with myself and my application of forgiving the momentous manifestation of who I am today. I commit myself to providing the force of myself as life as all, within the application of myself in this process of decoding my mental accepted patterns that do not support me, here.
I commit myself to flagging self-anger and breathing as I stand up from it and immediately apply forgiveness on the related point that brought on the self-anger. I realize that this might need to be written down and that it will take practice to effectively apply immediate self-forgiveness. I commit myself to practicing immediate self-forgiveness.
I commit myself to persist in recognizing my fears that I have allowed as me, and to no get anger for what I see. Rather, I stop, breathe, and direct myself within the realization of what needs to be done in that moment.
I commit myself to bringing my process back to self.
|Excerpt from here|