Day 153 - Validity, Self-Worth & Clear Communication

In the environment of high school friends, the primary question that arises is: "What are you doing with your life?"  Everyone is curious to know who each other has become since those high school days that seem like they were long, long ago. I think the curiosity stems from a desire for feedback/validation. In explaining our "life position" to each other, we get to see the reaction of the group and use it to place ourselves into perspective from a relational standpoint. In fact, as I was getting ready for a particular quad-friendship reunion, I experienced a tad of nervousness..

"How well am I going to be able to articulate what I'm doing?"
    - Process doesn't fit into a preconceived idea for how one spends their time, and so it requires a more at-length explanation...assuming other's will ask about more information.
    - Have not yet established a comfortable relationship to explaining what Desteni is.

"Will they negatively judge my chosen life path thus far?"
    - the only reason this matters is because of the point of defining myself from others' feedback.

"Will I still have that same positive, 'funny-guy' personality?"
    - similar point to above. Fear of future, based from positive, past memories. Also fear of change here.

That's the basis of what I allowed my mind to do this morning. My actual experience was heavy on the first point: couldn't articulate what I was doing very effectively. Fear of judgment was lowly charged, maybe because I worked on the defining self within the perceived judgments of my friends a little bit yesterday (obviously still not clear). The third point was interesting, because I didn't have to try very hard at all to fall right back into my old personality. My carefree demeanor was more present than not, but in self-honesty, there was some backchat doubt that I wasn't as relaxed or cool and carefree as I could might have been in high school. Most of the nervousness came from this, but the experience was well suppressed, and overall I was pretty much "myself."

From: desteniartists.blogspot.com

Key point here is dealing with self defined by others, specifically past friends. Second point is related to uncomfortability with speaking about process and self-forgiveness. Let's begin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on the reactions of others to establish my self-identity and self-worth. Within this mental worry, I've created unnecessary hindrance on self-expression because of fear of the future from living in the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, from the past, project self-doubt into my future interactions and not realize how I've been manifesting the doubt in real-time for allowing myself to participate in the future fear projection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my validity and self-worth exists within how others perceive my life's work and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that the need to convince my friends of my validity is all that matters.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear rejection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my past positive self/other-judgments as moments of accumulated validity and self-worth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have defined myself according to the sum total accumulation of past positive experiences while suppressing the negative ones and creating personality characters to discredit the suppressed fears of self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being inarticulate with explaining the surface summary of the desteni message.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as 'inarticulate' through participating with the fear I've connected to not being understood.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect fear to not being understood.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hopelessly misunderstood and not take the responsibility of clear communication within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project onto others that they must have a hard time hearing me from the get go, before I even give myself the chance to establish effective communication.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from effective communication through the allowance of fearing the fear connected to ineffective communication.

--

When and as I see myself participating within my mental projections of possible future playouts, I stop I breathe. I realize that this fear of futures is built of the substance of past experience, and that only with my allowance of myself to define myself in and from my past do I create fear of future. I commit myself to letting go of each moment of accumulated self-definition that is a charged memory, positive and negative.

I commit myself to breathing when the tendency is to try and predict how I will be perceived or listened to, so that I may physically direct myself to be effective from the starting point of each breath.

I commit myself to patiently stopping the mental participation of past and future social interactions.

I commit myself to just be me, here, within the stability of every breath, and no longer worrying about future interactions that are nothing more than fear-born illusions that create my present interpersonal demeanor without me realizing it.

When and as I see myself worrying about my future presentation of myself in future interactions, I stop I breathe. I realize this is not who I am. I commit myself to the continual realizing that my participation in mind creates a consequential outflow that affects my personality or personalities.

I commit myself to showing others that these personalities are self-created systems used to navigate the world, and that I can remain stable and effective within a fresh starting point of every breath without creating a personality to augment/manipulate my environment separate from me, here.

I commit myself to the realization process of myself as one with my environment and others so I can effectively create best for all outflows.

I commit myself to no longer simply living in fear of the past definitions of myself being or not being in the future as if the future already exists and is something to be feared.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear a nonexistent future and simultaneously create that which I fear without realizing me as the creator of my world in each lived moment.

I commit myself to living each moment within self-honesty, so that I can correct myself from each new moment and stop the mental participation of which fear had been allowed to create my future.

I commit myself to realizing myself in and as fear, stopping it, breathing, and directing self in alignment with what's best for all.

Thanks and welcome.