Thursday, December 13, 2012

Day 143 - Behavior Perpetuating Behavior

I'm noticing a general energetic pattern. The primary behavior I'm looking at is delay, where I allow delay to move me into more delay. It propagates, begets, brings about more of the same behavior. This running streak is obviously of a mental energy cycle because it doesn't consider everything. It narrows and refines the behavior, but nowhere is there awareness of breath, and common sense can be hidden from self.

I'm also writing this pattern with the energy of biting my nails in mind. Today, I did another number on my nails, which is intertwined with delay because the starting point is often within a thought not relevant to the task at hand...ha, and because the nail biting process occupies my hands, it often directly takes me away from any physical work process like typing. There's some kind of residual, perpetuating qualities of nail biting especially, and I've yet been able to decode it and so have since shied away from writing about it in fear of failure.

Delay has also been scary to tackle because there is this momentum or inertia quality to the behavior in the short term and long term perspective. So, you could say I've defined myself as a procrastinator over the years, and what I want to address thoroughly today is how a single moment of delay can fester and turn into all day delay. The first reason that comes to mind is the allowance. Once, I allow myself to give into the energy as my directive, it's very hard to pull out because "why would I? I already gave into it." Solid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my directive control to the energy of delay and perpetuate the behavior with the thought "I've already done it, might has well do it more."

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I've been allowing the continuance of energy infused behaviors because it's easier to stay consistent with my choices / past behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry with myself when the energy cycle ends and I've realized what I've been doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the anger is part of the system, where as I allow the outflow of anger in relation to what I've accepted and allowed, I charge my attachment to the habit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I've been simply choosing the consistent behavior, utilizing it as my stability in not having to face the scary unknowns of directing myself without residual, behavioral energy.

When and as I see myself within the comforts of allowing energy to continually direct me within the same behavior, be it delay, nail biting, or whatever self-compromising behavior it may be, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am not the directive force when life is easy and I'm not supporting what's best for all. I commit myself to push myself through any and all resistance I have in facing myself within self-honesty. I commit myself to finding each and every point where I have simply allowed a self-compromising behavior to ensue because it is consistent with past behavior (immediate or long term).

I commit myself to stopping the perpetual behavior cycles from within them, not judging myself and missing the point of responsibility to self to stand up from within the behavior cycle and direct self into a more supportive use of time.

I commit myself to showing others that I can produce real change within me through writing about my systems, releasing them, and standing true to self within these commitment statements.

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