Last night stayed out later than I would have liked, and wasn't in control of my behavior as I submitted to female advancements. The story isn't as important as the forgiveness, let's go!
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other people at the bar as "slimy" on the basis of just wanting to get sex, and for not allowing myself to realize that I too was scanning for potential sex mates. Always bringin' it back to self.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others because I do not drink alcohol. I have been continually allowing myself to suppress the ego-reaction that I think more highly of myself because of this, not realizing that I am no better or worse because others are using a "resource" to feel a release from their inhibitions, while I just refuse to use alcohol and still have the inhibitions. So, I forgive myself for allowing myself to have half solved this problem-point of social anxiety/fear of judgement, for which others justify using the "social lubricant."
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continually compromise myself by placing the importance of socialization much higher than being responsible for my health, primarily sleep.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to not further investigate why I allow myself to justify self-compromise for socialization. I am thinking that this is related to the belief that my here-now relationships with others are more important to my relationship with my total self. Being responsible is delayed as I brainlessly place others before me, in part because of my self-interest in them liking me...and also because I want to fix everyone's problems.*
*I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to want to "fix everyone's problems," and not realize that is because I crave the ego boost of "able to solve any given problem."
Oh boy, lots opening up here. Ok, so I need to fix others so I can think highly of myself...not so I can actually help others purely. I commit myself to deleting the character that yearns to help others for that feeling of "I am great, I can solve anything," and realigning myself to be an expression of the self-help that I have walked as/within, seeking no mental gratification or reward. Simply helping as I have helped myself first and share to honestly, simply assist and support others as me, as all is one and equal.
When and as I see myself trying to solve someone's problem from the starting point of wanting to be right/correct/smart, I stop I breathe. I realize that only when I have learned through experience and have actually walked equal with that particular point, am I able to dispense any wisdom of value to another. I commit myself to sharing only the perspective that I have with an unconditional non-investment of how I will feel if the other chooses to accept or not accept what I have to say.
When and as I see myself in a bar scene having trouble relaxing with the crowd, I stop I breathe. I realize that from one perspective I am as drunk as the whole environment ("contact high") and I need not to participate in the mind as the thoughts that everyone around me is trying to suppress with alcohol (*this point will be detailed in posts to come). I commit myself to exposing to myself and others all of the thoughts that justify drinking alcohol so we can be "free" of the negative experience of them, so we can just dance and get sex. Haha.
When and as I see myself in separation from those around me at the bar, I stop I breathe. I realize that we are all there for a limited set of reasons. I commit myself to walking through each related point of the bar scene so that I can share with others my honest perspective of the moment and just simply enjoy myself in these situations (without alcohol).
I commit myself to put process before self-interest, before desire for sex, so that I may interact with the life that is here in all.
I commit myself to repeatedly giving myself the gift of self-forgiveness, so that I may simply breathe in, hold, breathe out, hold, and repeat as I live each moment with awareness of my physical body here. I realize this is not an overnight process, and I commit myself to allow myself the steadfast patience and to not judge myself for where I fall; rather, learn from my falls as I get up and take the next breath.
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| photo credit: ryumu |
Thank you.
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