Day 149 - Becoming Self-Honest & Realigning Perspective

The points I've identified the past few days:

- Energy of defending what I've accepted and allowed myself to express myself with/as
   * Defending superiority / opinion / perspective
       - Denying common sense to protect expressed opinion within an energy-emotion

- Creating others' possible thoughts about me / abdicating responsibility for open & honest communication
   * Giving up on self and other to reach shared understanding

- Fear of failure
   * Projecting this onto others
      - Using this to determine what they're likely thinking
   * Leading to being overwhelmed by future and indecisive
      - fear of future -> BIG ONE to be gradually deconstructed

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Specific forgiveness today is focused on the first two main points relating to judgement of others' and their perspectives in relation to where I perceive my perception to be greater, more encompassing, right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as having superior/higher perspective than others and thus not facilitate equal and one communication as listening as I would like to be heard, and speaking as if speaking to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend my perspective so that I do not have to experience the humiliation of being incorrect or having a lesser perspective. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the feeling of losing when my perspective is lesser, so that I only see what is good and reinforces the positive conception of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build and accumulate a positive perspective of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to build and accumulate a negative perspective of myself.

I realize that there are many specific circumstances/situations in my past that I have used to reinforce this self-perception that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe me to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am the accumulation of memories of myself in relation to certain points that I did not consider myself as equal and one with, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the external within judgement so that I could benefit by having the best perspective for me.

There is a lot going on here, and when I'm this abstract and general in my writing, I am building each statement using specific memories/moments, and that is the meat I need to dig up to effectively disengage from my limited, constructed perspective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carefully construct my perspective so that I can more often have the superior insight and create a mental conception of myself to be superior within knowledge and information.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the times I'm wrong, so that I may continue to build myself up within ego and define myself as superior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am treading on loved ones to get a higher perspective, when all along, all I ever really wanted was what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that I only ever wanted what was best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have succumbed to programming defensive, superiority-seeking personalities from the starting point of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will not be enough, that I am inferior, unable, unable to communicate, unable to be understood, and thus have created myself with these fears, and created a personality set to "overcome" these fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to cover up my fears by copying what I saw as the opposite, and never really living my self expression without fear involvement.

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to predict what others may be thinking and thus react to my projection onto them, never really giving them an equal and one opportunity to express themselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume that "I am right and they are wrong," as I enter a conversation. I commit myself to breathing and noticing the design of my reactive communication so not to perpetuate the limited understanding from a pre-conceived perspective of how a conversation will go. and apply self-forgiveness accordingly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not patiently give others the floor and hear them as I would like to be heard.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not assert myself when I would like to be heard and rather go on to have internal-conversation alongside a negative experience of frustration that I had not been able to have been heard/understood.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project that frustration onto others by blaming them for not listening to me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to listen to myself and others while my focus is on perfection and superior perspective because of fear of being wrong, so all I'm hearing is that which contributes to being right.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to selectively listen for information that confirms what I've already come to believe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat others as inferior communicators while I suppress the facts that I am an inferior communicator because that is the fear that I've worked to overcome.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to empower the belief of myself as an effective communicator by over-emphasizing the memories of when I have reached shared understanding.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sacrifice common sense reality in the pursuit of higher knowledge, where I've allowed a thought train to appear so correct that I disregard everything that's not in alignment with that knowledge construct.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to construct knowledge as "special insight that only I have" instead of simply learning and applying knowledge to situations as needed within common sense and the purest pursuit of what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give-up on others in reaching shared understanding, from the beginning point of doubting that the other will be able to hear me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my fear of failing to be understood through an effective use of words, and not realize that I am projecting the doubt and fear that others can't hear me and having that lead to me manifesting my fear as not being able to communicate effectively because of fear of failure.

When and as I see myself fearing that I won't be understood by another, I stop I breathe, and continue to speak from the awareness of my breath. I realize that I am projecting my fear of failure onto my interactions and allowing that energy of failure to direct me. I commit myself to taking back my self-direction and speaking from self-honesty.

I commit myself to speaking from self-honesty. I commit myself to stop speaking strictly from knowledge and information. I commit myself to speak as an equal and stop trying to prove my perspective to be more correct.

I commit myself to purifying my perspective and so in relation to others' perspectives, all is considered, and I am no longer defending and justifying my limited mental existence. I commit myself to respecting others as equals with me.

I commit myself to recognizing when I am allowing moodiness to direct me in conversation, and realigning to reality, here, within the awareness of my breath.

I commit myself to stop predicting what others' perspectives are, and allow myself to be patient with others by giving them the space to express themselves fully.

I commit myself to allowing myself the patience to express myself fully.

I commit myself to decoding every branch of expression tied to the base anxiety I allow myself to exist as from time to time, and work toward the point of specifically forgiving the source of anxiety, to be able to ultimately allow myself the freedom and time to actually do the work, instead of getting overwhelmed by it within fear of failure or fear of the image of fear as messing up or not doing/saying something to yield desired results. < nice

I commit myself to stop trying to control conversational outcome within attempting to avoid my created fear-playouts where the result is not in the benefit of my self-interest as being understood and right.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a multitude of mental failure playouts from which I guide my expression of myself or don't and turn inwards with an internal backchat conversation outflow.

I commit myself to stop backchat.

I commit myself to establishing clarity for myself and others in relation to any point by slowing down within my breathing application and not allowing fear to keep me from speaking WITH my words IN reality.

I commit myself to listening to myself and others.

I commit myself to recognizing when I leave the reality, here, to go off in thought as reaction to achieve greater insight than what is necessary to be effective because I fear not being effective.

I commit myself to stopping the fear that does not support me in common sense.

I commit myself to ditching the egocentric point of view where all I consider is how I am right and how to prove it to the other. I commit myself to stop separating myself from knowledge and information as placing it as something beyond me and to be proved to or validated by others.

I commit myself to understanding how & why I am not being self-honest when I've forgotten about breathing, so that I may utilize that point as writing substance to further understand myself through self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to continue with a slice of my personalized design of fear of future and the related points recognized thus far.