Day 156 - Eating Relationship

credit goes to Art Sheep

I'm getting to that point of self-honesty where I can not much longer recklessly eat food that does not support me. Yeah, so certain foods are delicious and unhealthy, but we eat them anyway. Why? Experience has more value than the longevity of my physical life time. I used to say "I'd rather eat delicious foods and die sooner than have a long life of eating yukky vegetables." My standpoint is no longer this, and yet I still occasionally indulge in what I know is not best for my body. There is an addiction to tasty experience, and it's time to come clean with myself.

So why do I eat unhealthy?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my physical well being by eating unhealthy for the sake of a fleeting positive experience.

Since my post on Day 20, I have not bought anymore giant bags of peanut butter M&Ms, haha, but I have found excuses wherever I could to continue eating candy. It's quite ridiculous how a candy addiction can override will without a solid commitment to self. What's happened here is that I still have layers and related layers that I need to be honest with myself about.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow my mind within the multitude of excuse-thoughts that I can conjure to continue to pig out on unhealthy foods, like candy..

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that carbohydrates are also sugar in the body and for suppressing this point because of my outstanding enjoyment of bread and the like.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing the enjoyable, simple eating what tastes good because it tastes good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard what my physical body needs and doesn't need so that I may simply eat junk food to avoid the experience of hunger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not more clearly define "junk food" by not doing my food research, and therefore fully leave myself the option to make excuses.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into a pattern of "just this one more time" in relation to eating what I know is not best for my physical body. I highly recommend this related interview for context and self-support: Life Review - Only this ONE last Time...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my desires before common sense and ignore common sense because I don't want to lose my ability to satisfy my desire...WOW.

That's a big one. Fear of loss design for desire. I desire the next chew of finger nail, and do not want to lose or miss out on that, to the point that I just make a self-compromising decision. Same with sex (though there are many mind-dimension layers here), I fear losing my ability to indulge as I have, and so continue to cycle in the same personality expressions, instead of investigating what sex can be without mental desire initiation. These points will be covered in due time. Self, directing self, here to stay focused and keep to one point at a time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make excuses and dodge my responsibility I have to myself to keep in good health by simply eating well within common sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be a health-nut where I allow myself to enter the counter culture of the mainstream unhealthy american culture, and not realize that I can direct my own culture of common sense as what is best for me AND all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use knowledge and information to place myself within a particular culture and separate myself from other cultures within the design of better-worse, instead of taking a breath and doing what's best for all.

I realize that it is a lot of work to do the research to support what is best for my body and the physical world as a whole.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within this realization, justify/excuse not doing the work because it is too much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid facing myself within the necessary responsibilities I can see in common sense that I have toward myself and others because of a perception of 'too difficult' or 'unable' as a mental experience that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeatedly experience and believe myself to be.

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When and as I see myself within a perception of overwhelmed/too difficult/unable towards anything, and especially in relation to preparing myself a proper meal, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am able to walk the necessary steps when I slow down and actually consider all relevant points. I commit myself to taking that essential breath within every moment of realization of this point of becoming overwhelmed by 'too much' and moving into an expression of 'giving up' on my self-direction toward manifesting what is best for me within physicality.

When and as I see myself thinking "oh, just this one more time," I stop I breathe. I ask myself: am I being self-honest? And within self-honesty, I answer. I commit myself to move through this realization process and write about the points that are not yet stable, so I may work the point through self-forgiveness and corrective application.

When and as I see myself entering a counter culture, so that I can be better than the mainstream culutre, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a process of defining myself in separation of others and all. I commit myself to slowly but surely identifying all points of self-definition with a group where I have separated myself from all others as a point of ego, and letting go.

When and as I see myself fearing to let go of a particular self-definition or way of life, such as eating particular foods, I stop I breathe. I realize that there is a mental happenstance here. I commit myself to the self-honesty required to recognize the point and then to write, even just a brief note, so that I can surely face the fear.

When and as I see myself making a justification or excuse to maintain a preordained lifestyle movement, like eating candy, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can stop. I commit myself to stop, and redirect from within the moment of self-honesty as breath toward enacting what's best for all.