Day 326 - Feeling & Information Dissipation

When I woke up this morning, I had just exited a dream world scenario. It was interesting because I had just written about a dream yesterday, and today's dream was related to a point I had opened up a day before (Day 324) about trying to protect myself through acting out worst case scenarios in my imagination first.

The dream was about some big bald guy that was coming to take away our two new kitties. I think we had called some service to take them away for some reason, but I didn't trust him. He took on cat and loaded it into his car, and I started to throw a fit. I broke his entire trunk door off, and he got pissed. He started to come after me with some weapon, and I began going through a set of various playouts for how I would survive / counterattack.

I think I was starting to wake up at this point because of  how I was going through various endings, trying to find the best end to this violent interaction. I took note of the synchronicity with my writings the day before.

cc flickr

If I were to analyze this dream, I'd say that I love kitties! But that's not what I want to talk about here. I'm interested in how I was so emotionally into this dream, and then it just faded away throughout the day. This happens with most dreams, but it got me thinking this time. When I was getting on to my computer to write this post, I could hardly remember the dream, and the feeling of it had completely dissipated.

Then I think, "this happens with real life events too," and that connection got me really curious about the nature of emotional experiences and mental storage.

As I reflect in real time, I see myself moving within the now for the most part. The majority of my past events seem to go in line with "time keeps on slippin, slippin, slippin, into the future.." I just keep moving, and the past is the past. My willingness to look at my past and see who and how I was is avoided. I haven't ever before seen a reason to really face my past self: That was then and this is now! And the now just mattered more to because it's where the power lies. That a different topic...but related at the same time.

The pattern that is emerging is how I am not considering my past with an equal weight as I consider myself today. In other words, I believe who I was then is less than who I am now. Interestingly, I also believe my future self to be more than I am now.

To realize oneness and equality of self alone, this separation of self through time is not going to hold up. I am going to have to really realize that my past is the building blocks of me today, who is shaping my future. All parts are the same person. All one. I find it interesting also how I worded that sentence, "I am going to have to..." which implies that the responsibility of realizing and implementing self-change through realization is pushed onto my future self. This won't work. And this seems to have been a common theme in my process so far.

This is the insight I was driving at, I just didn't know it. Past present and future self need to unite. And that's what's been missing. That's what I am to do. I will describe how tomorrow, but as a warm up, I'll end today with this example. By placing myself as my tomorrow self, I am taking responsibility now for who I am tomorrow. In posts to come, I'll be developing my sense of accountability for who I have been in the past as well. I'm genuinely intrigued by this retaliation here today. Excited to see how it plays out.

Because there is still a chance that this information and feeling (intrigued/excited) will dissipate into my the past. This is my window. Tomorrow I decide if I time-loop. To hide from this realization will require a new fold of self-dishonesty that I am not willing to accept and allow.

See ya.

Day 305 - My Earliest Written Blog Post Yet

For some context, check out Day 304 - Morning Boot Up

source

This is the earliest blog that I've ever written. I my eyes opened at 7:57. I followed productively oriented thought back to sleep. Two minutes later, I awoke with an answer, though, it was not a spectacular arrival of insightful information. It was more like an intentionally hidden answer, so that I could excuse myself into sleepy, head-resting thought for just a little longer. (It had to do with listing something on eBay, needing a white backdrop and not knowing what I could use..."my bed sheets") The point is, I could have easily found a solution through a giving the question my full, alert attention.

I continued to ask myself questions that I can't recall exactly (even though it was 20 minutes ago). All the questions seemed to come from a genuine curiosity, while at the same time leading to a rewarding inaction. That's a new concept I haven't identified before. Basically, the indulgence of thought while morning tiredness is in full swing. I would ask the questions as a means to stay inert. The questions would also be aligned to genuine curiosity. This allowed me to justify my choice to continue resting / fall back asleep.

The actual process of awaking only happened as I started asking better questions, more in align with 'why am I still resting?' I looked at my laptop that I carefully placed within reach of my bed. This triggered my intention to wake up and write, so that I could get a better sense for why and how I delay my wake up process.

I still do not fully understand the effects that sleeping in has on my day, and I still am unfamiliar with what it feeling like to intentionally disparate the tiredness energy within a breath awareness. These two will be points will come next. Working with what I got so far:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I can find answers to my problems if I ask myself while falling back to sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can find better / "more real" answers by consulting my slumber self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the nature of how I operate in the mornings when I fall back to sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to remain physically inert in the morning wake up process, and allow my mind to take me away into an answer searching experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget my self-directive responsibility within the morning tiredness energy, effectively starting my whole day off with a vague/subtle understanding that "I am just going to go with the flow today," suppressing the urgency to begin working on my responsibilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take my thoughts for granted instead of realizing I have a choice to remember my breathing and direct myself here.

When and as I see myself resisting waking up, I stop I breathe. I realize I am the creator of my reality. Will I allow the energy of tiredness direct me in the morning, or will I live here, in absolute responsibility for myself in that moment of choosing how I want to experience myself. I commit myself to realizing my self-responsibility in the very initial moments of awareness when I awake.

When and as I see myself thinking about a question that I will try to answer as I fall back to sleep in the morning, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can answer my own questions without trying to dream up answers. I commit myself to actually breathe and give myself a moment to self-responsibly decide if I can wake up and answer my question-thought or if I actually would like to enter into dream world. If that's the case, I will write immediately upon waking up to solidify my dream findings, and attempt to validate if it was a worthy venture, comparing it to if I had just woken up and began writing first thing.

When and as I see myself feeling tired / lazy / unwilling to get up and start my day productively, I stop I breathe. I realize that by submitting to this feeling-energy, I am making a statement of who I am. I commit myself to taking all the necessary steps to become in control as a directive principle in and of my life and to stop merely reacting to my mind as soon as I awake.

When and as I see myself taking my thoughts for granted, as in thinking and not thinking twice about it, I stop I breathe. I realize that these thoughts are reactions to and activations of other thoughts. I commit myself to stop, breathe, and regain control of my ability to decide who I am in a moment. If I fall and do not make the responsible, best for all choice: investigate all the dynamics that lead to that decision.

Ok Dan, enjoy the day. I'll report tomorrow about how my day differs having done my blog post earlier in the day. Thanks for reading me.