Day 53 - Self Distraction

     So I've noticed that as I go to write about a fear point or realization of myself, I will easily allow distractions to come into play. This is the same thing that was going on when I procrastinated throughout school. So now that I recognize me wanting to go off into a distraction, I must slowly & cautiously begin to direct myself as authority. No more of this mind leaping to the cookie jar distraction bullshit. That's just one example. I also love to play video games as distraction, and there really is no end to the internet. So, because I'm surrounded by nearly infinite distractions, my pace is dependent upon my willingness to direct my time according to what's best for all. Direction is everything, and lately I've fallen to this routine of distraction. I'm done with this lazy bull...all I need to do is get on my own case. I know how to use a calendar/planner. I know that I have enough time in the day to get everything done that I want. I know I don't really want to be shooting digital people on my tv screen. So what is this? It is escapism. It is an allowance of self-deception. It can be directed and this is the turning point. When I falter on this point, I will get back up asap, within the realization that I am not being honest with myself and that that is UNACCEPTABLE. Here I am, committing myself to self-direction.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to follow my mind's impulse as distraction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run from the moment of honest application of myself for any reason, and specifically if I'm running because of a creation of fear. There is fear behind it all. It is the point of fear, which is only as real as I allow it to be, that drives and runs this the doubt and such that halts me. So,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt my ability to direct myself according to how I actually, really want to be doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give in to the ease of allowing my mental programs to direct me into the normal pleasure seeking modes of distraction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defeat myself when I am conflicted between honest application and time-wasting activities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as less than my potential.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run toward distraction when I am reluctant to face a point or challenge (due to doubt/fear of failure) instead of at least investigating the reluctance. I commit myself to figuring out why I am resisting if and when I allow the resistance to win.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist myself, and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn over control to the ease of my mind as what's comfortable and familiar.

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When and as I see myself consider partaking in the distraction, I stop I breathe.

I realize that I will need to have excruciating honesty within this point, so that I may no longer run. 

I commit myself to no longer run from my responsibility or directed task.

I commit myself to realizing every moment of distraction, and within that realization make a real choice as an honest acceptance and allowance into the distraction. In situations where the distraction feels necessary and isn't in actuality, I commit myself to the investigation of the point that caused this energetic experience, so that slowly but surely, I will walk into self-honest direction in every moment.

Thanks. I'll keep you updated.

cc