Day 51 - People in my head

I slowed down enough today to witness myself go into mind.


It is fascinating how subtle yet significant the difference is between the presence within my breath mode and going off into thoughts. One second I'm here, the next I've slipped off into my mind. It was the thinking about interactions between myself in imagined scenarios with others. Through this I saw my lack of presence, here in my breathing and the environment around me. I was going off and playing out a drama where I would have an outcome that's in my favor, like arguing about whatever, except in my mind, I always win.

These non-tangible, imagined social scenes that I conjure up are not obvious to me as mind play. I"m no longer trying to play with my mind without being fully sure that I am the director therein. This mind of mine, this ego wants to prevail. Who I am as life, is not thinking about how to win future arguments that will never happen the same way I see it play out in my mind. I don't know why I have been continually allowing this self-inflicted mind control to take me away from this moment.

I forgive myself, for accepting and allowing my mind to take dominion of me as life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to leave this moment, here, so that I can feed the starting points of fear. Fear as doubt in myself. This fear charges it. I'm so afraid that I can't control my reality that I have to think about it. It's subtle, familiar, and so different to stop thinking. To start trusting in self, moment to moment. STOP THINKING.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that thinking is a better option than being physically present with each and every breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge in the dramatic social scenarios of which I am seen favorably, winning an argument, winning, anything that serves my ego (aka the limited conception of self). I do not need this to lead a life that's best for all.

It's ends here.

When and as I see myself leave my mode of absolute presence, here, I stop I breathe.

I realize that these thoughts that I thought were serving me, that I have placed so much trust in my whole life, are a lie. I see how through walking this process, I will further develop the self-trust that is needed to remain present, out of my mind, in my breath. Self-honesty ==> Self-Trust

I commit myself to recognizing when I leave my breath, so that I may return from my mental trip (as just your normal everyday thoughts). In this, I will locate the source of the thinking, so that I may direct myself through the self-forgiveness statements that are specifically related; releasing the bind to mind, and moving forward into the next moment within and as my breathing.

This is fun.