Day 330 - Always A Fight

It goes something like this: I get into a fight or a disagreement, and my reaction is to protect and defend my position at all costs. I get consumed by my desire to come out on top. In extreme or subtle circumstances, I will go to unfair lengths to defend my original perception. In a family situation, it is easy to be more harsh. In relationships with people that are less established, my knowledge superiority thoughts are likely to be suppressed. So it's not to be taken for granted when I am with family as there is a lot that can be learned by observing my reactive expression while in a comfort zone.

Ways and whys I would take my home-life experiences for granted:
- typical interaction
- blame

That pretty much covers it. There's a lot to look at in blame, yet the concept is simple. Every time I'm in my head telling myself it's their fault for my current experience, I can't see my own responsibility in any given situation. I literally do not want to see how I am responsible. Resistance to humility.

This is a critical point to look at. Not wanting to "step down" is at least half the reason I so adamantly strive to be right when in an argument. Interesting to consider the momentum that builds. Once I'm already in an argument, it's much harder to humble myself, back down, and/or admit that I'm wrong. Prevention is the best cure, and I'm in the business of doing what best for all, so it's time to figure out the pattern(s), understand it, recognize it, then stop it before it starts. Walk it out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself resist being wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself with/as superior knowledge, such that when my facts are challenged, I am personally invested and I compulsively assert my defensive attack.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad when I 'lose' in a battle of wits.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify with being right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hurt others so that I can preserve my 'being right' character.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be unfair in conversation by selectively up-playing the facts that support my preexisting knowledge-beliefs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I'm right and not consider that I might be wrong, especially when my perspective is built on a narrow foundation (too few facts).

When and as I see myself resisting to step down and actually consider the other person's perspective, I stop I breathe. I realize that it's not that bad because I am not the knowledge. I commit myself to walking through that discomfort of humility. I commit myself to stopping the ego need to be right.

When and as I see myself feeling a need to be right, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is my ego. I realize that I am within my ego. I commit myself to realizing myself as my breath.

When and as I see myself repeating this pattern, I stop I breathe, I realize that I am here again. I commit myself to realizing who I have become in that moment, and taking the steps to return to the breath and support what is best for all.

When and as I see myself mistreating another by not actually listening to them and I'm in my own head trying to figure out how to make them listen to me, I stop I breathe. I realize my responsibility to communicate effectively. I commit myself to becoming the best listener that I can be. I commit myself to stop focusing only on my own perspective when in conversation.

When and as I see myself feeling confident, I stop I breathe. I realize this feeling as a reaction to my knowledge structure. I commit myself to taking a closer look at how I've constructed my perspective and looking for possibilities for how I am wrong. Haha, critical thinking 101

Thanks for reading, reader. I was consciously focusing my writing voice toward myself this time (Day 329 for context). If you notice a difference, or have a suggestion for me, please leave me a comment.

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Day 329 - My writing purpose

Since I've started writing this blog, I've known the true purpose is to support myself in understanding who I have become, so that I am best prepared to produce actual, lasting self-change. The conundrum was that I only knew it, and wasn't really living it. For some part I was, but my focus was oriented very similar to how I oriented my focus in school: Delay, and get it done at the last minute because I have to (because of some external reason). This attitude carried over into my Desteni I Process, because that's all I really knew when it came to doing work.

That being said, now I find that I have begun to actually write for me. How can I tell? I've released the concept that I need to have a post done everyday according to an external guidance or recommendation. Don't get me wrong. I do see the value in making the time to write a post everyday. There are benefits to it that I am still realizing the value thereof, such as stability, planning, follow through and dedication. So, now they've missed more days lately than I am used to, some different self-perspectives are popping up, and I'm starting to see how I'd automated my daily posts without considering my starting point purpose!

That now being said, I still feel like I'm writing in a voice for a general audience, rather than a raw, authentic, 'note to self' voice. So, I realize that it will be a process for me to get a hang of self-writing for self alone. As I remove the layers of my automation, I realize new patterns will emerge. I must face the entirety of me in time. One pattern at I time, I commit myself to deconstructing the specific qualities of my various characters, so that I can gain root access to my physical body, from which I then commit myself to restructuring myself in alignment with what is best for all in the context of when/where/how that specific quality of me is present.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk process from a starting point of separation where I have defined myself in relation to how I think others will perceive me through my writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my starting point in separation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist process because I believe I owe myself to my readers and others that might hold me accountable for my "daily" writing commitment, not realizing that I've only ever been sabotaging myself, alone. I realize this is for me. Others may or may not benefit on a side note, but I write for me.

Ok, this is going to to be interesting. I'll start experimenting with a more core writing voice, just naturally letting my self flow write to myself. I have have experience in doing this in my hand written process journal, but even there I recall writing while thinking about how what I write may come off to a future reader that isn't me. Contrived. Inorganic. Artificial. This must stop. It's not best for all, or even anyone. Self-writing is what is best for me and all, especially when I publicize my work.

Ok Dan, sleep. Tomorrow, write some awesome, articulate insight while finishing up that unfinished post from a few days ago. Self, out.

Day 328 - Residual Excuses

I'm been traveling a bit recently, and the irregularity of long travel days can easily throw off one's routine. I still was able to get some solid self-supportive writing in while on the plane or in the car. It was difficult to get into the blog composition routine without internet or usual my home computer environment. This is just an excuse that holds enough weight to not be considered a priority issue.

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What I found yesterday, the day that I arrived back home, I had a residual lethargy. Call it "jet lag," whatever. I see jet jag as just another excuse or an opportunity to blame something external for my internal state. What a convenient way to not be responsible for who I am. Today, I partially continued with the same pattern. At what point does does the "jet lag" excuse lose it's legitimacy? It's subjective and varied. Perfect. Now, I can get away with not having to direct myself responsibly.

Within this pattern, I see that I am able to drag out the experience of jet lag. Perhaps at one point, I really needed to nap and rejuvenate. But just like with the mornings where I am able to sleep in and excuse my alarm vs. the mornings with an important obligation, I function fine when I need to and also allow myself to not function when the external need isn't so present. This is a key interaction that I need to examine within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my internal state by blaming my external environment and not realize that I am locking myself into a pattern through abdicating the self-responsibility I have in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste time and dismiss my responsibilities to myself through self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thoroughly investigate my dismissal of self-responsibility.

I commit myself to more effectively supporting myself by really opening up the moments of weakness where my emotions get the best of me, to give self context and a stable footing to commence the process of self-change with corrective application.

I commit myself to show up for myself everyday.

I commit myself to recognizing the patterns of excuses that I use to justify my abdication of self-responsibility.

I commit myself to walking the process of stopping those patterns.

Day 327 - Uniting Past, Present and Future

Here. This is the moment that unites past, present, and future. Here, I may contemplate how my past self has played into who I am today. With this in mind, I can see the momentous personality characteristics that create my future self. This is the basis of today's post.

My relationships between the three different selves has long been not considered. My whole life has been much more locked into the present perspective. I hadn't realized that my 'unimportant' past was creating my future because the idea of my future was so vastly different and glorious. My future self had felt like he's already achieved greatness with no context based in the past or present. The separation between my past self, present self, and future self has been causing me much more grief and discord than I had realized. I've been isolated in my present self experience: very chill, "everything's going to be great," optimistic.

Without further ado,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate my past self from my present self through deliberately not paying attention to the events of my past because I would rather maintain my optimistic perspective and not be accountable for the past that seems to be long gone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how my past self is connected to my future self, through my present self.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing my present self to recognize the relationship between past and future selves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my future self is going to be glorious when there is no past evidence to support the fruition of this glorious self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect my past, thinking that I can create a better future if I do not have the past weighing me down. In this, I now realize that I can't escape my past, as it is here as me. Ignoring it is actually to my detriment because then I can't address and take responsibility for my past, and thus allowing my past to automatically create my future. Ahhhh, here we go.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the automation of my self-creation based on the past, flowing into the future, while my present self sits pretty in an illusionary perspective of control.

Timeline Example - A cool way to map myself...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my past doesn't matter.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that all the power to create my future is in the present, separate from my past events, not realizing that the past is actually here in the present as well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the multidimensionality of myself through time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my past self here, to be able to comfortably reside in a disillusioned state of consciousness in the present.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an imagined future self that is beautiful and exciting, let those feelings take over glorify my present perspective, while ignoring the reality of myself here that is primarily composed of my past self.

When and as I see myself excited for my future, I stop I breathe. I realize that day dreaming about my future with no connection to the reality of myself here is a recipe for disaster/inaction. I commit myself to start practically assessing what I am able to accomplish in the near future. I commit myself to stop believing I am great because my future imagined self is great. I commit myself to forming applicable plans within a regard for past, present and future realities of self.

When and as I see myself in a state of carefree present reality, I stop I breathe. I remember that my past self is my self structure, and that without attention to detail, I allow my past to create my future automatically. This causes time-loops of experiences and consequences where I create scenarios to see the reality of myself. Each time I enter a loop, I must wait before I will face myself in a moment of ability to live the change and transcend that pattern. I commit myself to identifying these moments when my past unwittingly creates my future. I commit myself to then write and forgive myself extensively such that I am prepared and ready to STOP the next time my momentous past self begins to bleed into the future. I commit myself to recognizing the totality of my past, here. In so doing, I no longer react within a patterned past self, but instead create my future with a comprehensive awareness of the consequences that may ensue.

When and as I see myself creating a consequential outflow in the present, I stop I breathe. I realize that my past characters are coming out to play. I commit myself to fully investigate the patterned personality, let it go with the gift of self-forgiveness, and qualify my self-change by taking note of similar events in my future and how I act/react.

I am here: past, present and future. To attempt to escape myself is futile and unnecessarily consequential. One self, through time, here. I commit myself to uniting my perception of and responsibility for myself in all moments.

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Day 326 - Feeling & Information Dissipation

When I woke up this morning, I had just exited a dream world scenario. It was interesting because I had just written about a dream yesterday, and today's dream was related to a point I had opened up a day before (Day 324) about trying to protect myself through acting out worst case scenarios in my imagination first.

The dream was about some big bald guy that was coming to take away our two new kitties. I think we had called some service to take them away for some reason, but I didn't trust him. He took on cat and loaded it into his car, and I started to throw a fit. I broke his entire trunk door off, and he got pissed. He started to come after me with some weapon, and I began going through a set of various playouts for how I would survive / counterattack.

I think I was starting to wake up at this point because of  how I was going through various endings, trying to find the best end to this violent interaction. I took note of the synchronicity with my writings the day before.

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If I were to analyze this dream, I'd say that I love kitties! But that's not what I want to talk about here. I'm interested in how I was so emotionally into this dream, and then it just faded away throughout the day. This happens with most dreams, but it got me thinking this time. When I was getting on to my computer to write this post, I could hardly remember the dream, and the feeling of it had completely dissipated.

Then I think, "this happens with real life events too," and that connection got me really curious about the nature of emotional experiences and mental storage.

As I reflect in real time, I see myself moving within the now for the most part. The majority of my past events seem to go in line with "time keeps on slippin, slippin, slippin, into the future.." I just keep moving, and the past is the past. My willingness to look at my past and see who and how I was is avoided. I haven't ever before seen a reason to really face my past self: That was then and this is now! And the now just mattered more to because it's where the power lies. That a different topic...but related at the same time.

The pattern that is emerging is how I am not considering my past with an equal weight as I consider myself today. In other words, I believe who I was then is less than who I am now. Interestingly, I also believe my future self to be more than I am now.

To realize oneness and equality of self alone, this separation of self through time is not going to hold up. I am going to have to really realize that my past is the building blocks of me today, who is shaping my future. All parts are the same person. All one. I find it interesting also how I worded that sentence, "I am going to have to..." which implies that the responsibility of realizing and implementing self-change through realization is pushed onto my future self. This won't work. And this seems to have been a common theme in my process so far.

This is the insight I was driving at, I just didn't know it. Past present and future self need to unite. And that's what's been missing. That's what I am to do. I will describe how tomorrow, but as a warm up, I'll end today with this example. By placing myself as my tomorrow self, I am taking responsibility now for who I am tomorrow. In posts to come, I'll be developing my sense of accountability for who I have been in the past as well. I'm genuinely intrigued by this retaliation here today. Excited to see how it plays out.

Because there is still a chance that this information and feeling (intrigued/excited) will dissipate into my the past. This is my window. Tomorrow I decide if I time-loop. To hide from this realization will require a new fold of self-dishonesty that I am not willing to accept and allow.

See ya.

Day 325 - Missing my friends

It's been just over a year since I graduated college, and one of the major associated events is the friends I had last year are graduating and leaving the area. I no longer have the ability to drive down and visit all of them as I had done last month. Loss. The design of the experience is fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to reconnect with all my past friends.

This is really my holding on to the memories that I had when I was going to school with them. I had a lot of fun when I went to visit recently, but it was different. I was chasing a memory and instead ended up creating a new memory to get attached to. Like a nostalgic feeling, but also strongly associated with the people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become attached to, and define myself by a memory, wherein I fear losing that chapter, that part of myself, and being unable to ever relive those moments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to relive my past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to go back in time to live my past differently with the knowledge I have now. = regret

Soon after my visit was over, I had a dream that burnt into my memory banks forever. It was basically all of them singing this song with an elaborate movement performance in the streets of Isla Vista. It was like a 'goodbye' show directed at me, and there was this overall feeling of connection and honor. I didn't reflect on it too much, but now that I do, here's what comes up: I personally feel a connection and honor toward them. 

There is this concept that I like to apply, I call it "loving detachment." It's like a perceptual frame that I willingly live to keep moving through life and not really pay attention to my past relationships. It seems now like it exists as a coping mechanism to avoid my fear of loss of past relationship, whereas I have usually always considered it to just be a smart/superior way to move through life. In fact, I was protecting myself from being in the vulnerable position of being left behind myself. I can support this conclusion also by the fact that I always wanted to stay friends with my ex-girlfriends. I'm sure I had a few mental tools / programs that I implemented to avoid feeling sad or uncomfortable or inferior. It was a choice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to chose to create and live in an illusionary perspective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think this was the best way lead a life, by keeping myself in the positive experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard the affect I've had on others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value others' perspectives less than my own.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat others poorly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only care about myself and my own experience of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to like having friends to support my ego / superiority frame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have friends just to support my ego / superiority frame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my friends to support my ego/ superiority frame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss my friends because they no longer support my ego / superiority frame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss my friends.

I realize now that the design of missing friends and attachment to memories is really me as a mind trying to preserve my characters / personalities that I enjoyed. The positive experiences of myself in a certain context. To get stuck in the past, to fear loss / letting go of my personal memories with my friends, is me wanting to preserve a part of myself as a particular personality and experience of myself.

This is silly. Not only does it take away from my creative powers that are here as me building myself by adapting to my immediate environment in a way that is best for all, but I'm also fighting to save an energetic layer of myself. This energy is a personality character that I created in my head and lived out in a social environment. It's an illusion that I built and lived, and thus validated. And when this version of me loses it's momentum, when the social and environmental stimulation no longer feeds it, I'm going through this feeling of loss.

When and as I see myself longing to be in the past, in a memory with specific individuals, I stop, I breathe. I realize that this past scenario will never again happen just the same. I commit myself to flag this self-compromising form of nostalgia and releasing my attachments to it through investigating it and speaking/writing specific self-forgiveness.

When and as I see myself desiring to relive a moment of favorable, past interaction, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am here, and my life can only be lived to it's utmost potential in this moment. I commit myself to realigning myself with hereness, with breath, whenever I see myself day dreaming in the past.

This process has to happen. I can't allow myself to define myself based on energetic personality interactions, and go my whole life from within a perspective of self-interest and experience seeking. At what cost is "fun"? To think about the many that can't afford fun, the many that die and will die because of world systemic inefficiency, and then to also be aware of how I can make a difference with a bit of hard work...and then still just sit around wanting to feel good...no.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to feel good while being ignorant of my ignorance is bliss stance.

I know what is at stake. To live here and not support what is best for all is going out of style. The quicker we all educate ourselves on our individual responsibility to support what's best for the whole, the sooner we can all start living a dignified life. Research and support the BIG solution (example). This is our shot. The window of opportunity is a moment where you make a choice. Investigate who you are within that. Why did you go this route? Where do your priorities lie? How much longer can you justify regrettable pursuits? Aha! Hehe.

To all my college friends: I cherish and honor you all. Thank you for the range of experiences. Enjoyable to educational. My only regret is trying impress you. I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to place myself as less than you and trying to disprove my self-doubt with a multifaceted facade of personalities that truly aren't who I am. The consequences of living to present myself in a certain way had unforeseen consequences. Thank your for the memories that I will always have and be able to work with in my journey of self-discovery. I commit myself to waste no more time trying to relive old personalities. I commit myself to further investigating the intent/motivations of my self-made energetic characters. You will be able to read it all here.

Thank you.

Day 324 - Investigating My Airport Fears

This is a continuation of Day 323 - Airport Paranoia where I briefly went over some of my backchats and imaginations that went through my head. Today, I'll expand on those.

First experience was when I got dropped off and I had to find my way to the right spot to get my boarding pass. A subtle thought keeps in: "What if something goes wrong" and that's when my mind races to see how this could be true. This process happens quite automatically because I've lived most of my life testing my fear-thoughts in my mind "so I will be able to protect myself" from experiencing the various scenarios that I conjure. When I don't participate in this process, I can simply live moment to moment, doing what needs to be done. There's no real reason that something would go wrong because I've taken the pertinent steps to success. If I hadn't, then I would have actual reason to worry, but then the appropriate action would be to take the necessary steps to get back on track.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that by trying to justify my fears is the right thing to do, so that I can avoid them,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I can most effectively avoid problems through common sense prevention.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think "what if something still goes wrong" completely out of the context of reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be paranoid about logistical failures within a mental worry/anxiety, instead of living in reality.

I commit myself to considering all possibilities and taking actions to prevent the worst case scenarios, and to not participate in anxiousness brought on by a self-doubt character.

When I imagine actual imagery of things going horribly wrong, I do not think that it will actually happen...but there is a part of me that brings up this type of thought. Why am I fascinated with horrible freak accidents? Because I don't believe they would actually happen, so within my beliefs I am safe. Could this be a way to reaffirm my faith in my knowledge/belief structure? I do not want it to happen, but it would be a cool scene to watch in a film: Causal passenger perspective, and then Bam! A whole other plane rips through the front of the cabin, killing many instantly...but the final moments of the passenger in the back...what is he thinking and experiencing? Why do I find this fascinating to contemplate? Intrigued by disaster. A thought comes up that pertains to not wanting to be a coward, but rather a survivor against extreme odds. Which comes back to wanting to be able to handle a worse case scenario. Interesting!

Such a powerful draw to the mental projection of worse case scenarios, within a desire to survive or just get through them, but also wanting to avoid the feared failure, and ultimately death. Paranoia is charged by fear. And fear is paranoia. So then paranoia feeds paranoia. All of this mental processing happening despite the physical reality that is here. Doesn't it make sense to rather be here, ready for anything, able to move/act in an instant, than to be imagining all the bad things that could happen? Because when one of them actually happens, we likely react without common sense or worse: completely freeze up, petrified by the fear experience that we've been creating the whole time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to protect myself by preparing myself for imagined worst case scenarios that are highly unlikely.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to occupy myself with a fear based thought-visualization because it is enticing, appealing to a system of my mind that I don't fully understand.

I commit myself to noting my violent imagination, and investigating my motivations within it to better understand myself.

I commit myself to discovering ways that I can prevent anxiety through comprehensive consideration and preemptive preparation.

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Day 323 - Airport Paranoia

I spent the whole day flying across the country for a family reunion. There are a few moments where I experienced a light paranoia, but paranoia none the less. I'm the son of a pilot and have a fair amount of travel experience, so I'm not freaking out like some people might. The fear thoughts associated with airports and flying are different in nature but very similar in design as say, going to the dentist. Both flying and going to the dentist are things that I enjoy for their uniqueness or infrequent occurrence, but there is still subtle paranoia backchatter in the head. Examples:

• "What if there is something wrong with my ticket reservation.."
• "I hope I can find the right place to be in time for boarding.."
• "I hope the flight delay isn't so long that I miss my flight connection.."
• "I hope I don't sit next to someone annoying.."
• Imagining:
• Another plane crashing into my plane in midair at a 90 degree angle
• Wings falling off during take off
• Malfunction of the front wheel just after landing

There are probably many more that others come up with. This list is just the basics of what I experienced. And I didn't have any physically noticeable reactions. These thoughts and visual imaginations are popping up for some reason..

I'll continue tomorrow with a walk though my self-investigation and self-forgiveness process. For now, I am tired, hungry, and in a dark hotel room filled with parents and a sibling tucked away for the night. Let the family vacation commence!

Day 322 - How to effectively practice self-restraint

Recognizing the moments when I am not applying self-restraint is somewhat elusive. It's like I don't want to recognize my delay energy possession, but then I have to consciously choose to face it (uncomfortable) or not (consequential, and thus also uncomfortable). There is a feeling preference to hide it as best I can and just go with it. This is not self-honest.

So, for me to seriously begin facing my various self-compromising personalities, I will have to prepare for some discomfort. Writing is my preparation process.

It's critical to be thorough and practical within my writing. It is here that I set my course for action, but it's important to also realize that writing alone does nothing. I've been watching my self write and write and write on this topic of delay/procrastination, and it sometimes feel like I'm not making any progress. This is partially true. My starting point with a lot of my writing so far has been for others, not for me to effectively support myself in moving written words as self-realization into practical application, self-change.

The gap is between existing as knowledge, and existing here, where knowledge is practically applied. What are my barriers in closing this gap? A relatively mild discomfort & fear of the unknown. Is this really how I want to shape and define my life? Through a perceptual, programmed discomfort and fear of fully expressing myself? No.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the importance of writing specifically, to the point, and self-honestly. Without my serious commitment to support what is best for myself, I will let something slide, and the consequences of doing so have been vastly misunderstood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that consequences of skimming the surface are next to nothing, through the belief that "it's ok to skim the surface at first. I will get deeper later on, once I've skimmed the whole surface."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that procrastination is beneficial because it gives me more time to orient to the real issue at hand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking the tasks of life without delay, through fear of failure.

Linked: Fear of Failure & Delay (delay subtly/slowly manifests failure)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately NOT see, realize and understand how/when I am within an energy possession because of wanting to avoid discomfort.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone my participation within my responsibilities out of fearing that I will fail or not do a good job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up before I even attempt to assert my self-will.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define self-restraint as difficult.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I cannot handle the discomfort of facing my self honestly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid discomfort, and not see how I am compounding and creating more discomfort. What you resist, persists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the connection between short-term and long-term when it comes to time management and as well, consequence. The bigger picture includes all terms, and in self-honesty, nothing hidden.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is an easy way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire an easy way out of the mind consciousness programming.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive myself as already beyond of all of my personal problems through selective self-perception.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the consequences of selective self-perception.

When and as I see myself within an energy associated with delay/postponement/procrastination, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is my moment, my window of opportunity, to stop myself from participating in an energetic character in separation of Self here. I also realize that there is a resistance and discomfort associated with pushing through this energy and effectively restraining self from reacting to and participating in  it. I commit myself to pause, and look at myself in self-honesty. I commit myself to not fear the discomfort. I commit myself to push through the discomfort. I commit myself to fully exposing myself to myself, so that I may give myself an clear look at my options: to either follow the energy and suffer worse consequences later, or face the consequence now and enjoy the rest of time.

I commit myself to stop hiding consequential outflows because I do not want to face the discomfort in a given moment. This is self-dishonest, and if I were to seriously and honestly see the consequences of delay, I am certain that I would rather face the music here, now.

When and as I see myself writing my process blog for the sake of 'daily writing' as a rule imposed by an external force, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am not writing to impress anyone with my daily writing commitment. I am here to establish effective, livable commitments that equates to me effectively taking control of and responsibility for myself, and eventually expanding that once I have become stable in my application and am able to handle more responsibility. I commit myself to stop making excuses for why I can't or why I don't want to do something in a moment. I don't have time to skate around on the surface. Investigate why and which fears keep me from being specific, direct, comprehensive and effective.

I commit myself to write about specific forms of resistance as they come up, so that through understanding, I am able to move myself effectively into self-application and self-change.

This is not just practice. This is not empty words. This is me. This is my expression. If I do not mean what I say, there is a problem. If I do not implement and direct myself within my written word, there is a disconnect that must not be accepted and allowed. Between writing, and speaking my process out loud, I commit myself to establishing expressive stability that is self-honest.

I commit myself to stop floating as an idea of myself.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to live here, one and equal with my written word, my spoken word, my self-expression, the physical reality, life. To not take this process seriously is a point that must be investigated. No time to waste, so if time is wasted, self-honestly investigate the reason. Remember the pros/cons, benefits and consequences of self-restraint and momentary mental indulgence.

:)

Day 321 - Each new moment following

What's cool is how I've got a firm grasp on how to refocus myself before going into a delay time-loop that could potentially cycle throughout the whole day. The tools are known, and I know how to use them to stop a resistance energy and refocus on my responsibilities.

What lies ahead is my steadfast application of these tools in every moment of recognition of an energetic personality take over. These personalities vary. I will interchangeably use the word 'personality' with 'character' until further notice. To exemplify how different characters come into play: I write now with a voice/tone that is different than perhaps yesterday or even the first paragraph. One of my favorite writing aspects is being able to capture this writing voice and reference it in the future and relate the experience of myself then to how I experienced myself now.

A few reasons why I would switch into different personalities:

- watching a movie = adopting some characteristics of the main characters portrayed

- at home with family = high comfort zone, well established relationships

- with friends = same as family with variations like more and less comfortability in specific dimensions

- with strangers / potential friends = shyness, desiring positive relationship / fearing negative judgement

- with a girl = similar as above, but there is more to gain/lose (shyness amplified)

All of these points of entry into different personalities must and will be investigated. Yesterday, I had a break through with my lethargic personality - recognized the energy, and in a moment stopped my participation within it just long enough to apply vocal self-forgiveness, followed by self-directive statements.

My goal remains to stabilize all personalities into a singularity. How? Why?

Because in every moment that I activate a particular personality, I have lost awareness of my one true character that is here in the physical. This one true character is a person with whom I have a severely underdeveloped relationship. My primary characters activate in certain social situations, and while alone, for various reasons typically pertaining to desire and fear from a self-interested perspective. The relationship to these characters are strengthened through a life of learning them and participating within them. I no longer accept and allow myself to go through life with an unstable world view, causing consequences in my life and the lives around me.

I will take on each and every character, until it is done. And with the one personality, I choose to support what is best, for myself and all other lifeforms that are in existence. It's an unregrettable decision. The how to accomplish this factor is the real feat. How does one go about learning how they've been living within predesigned, coded personalities, and then willingly reprogram self? This can be answered through investigating the message of Desteni. It's takes some time to acclimate and assess what is being said because 'self' as a programmed set of personalities has no time to question self. Cracking the ego code is not for the faint of heart. Most other groups in the self-realization category appeal to the ego. That's not self-honest. Study what is self-honesty. It is the concept that's going to change the world.

I challenge myself to continue with a steadfast self-honesty, to in each new moment following, no longer accept and allow energy to determine how I lead my life.

cc

I am - here - I stand
to support self in actualizing what is best for all.

Day 320 - Time Stop, Change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by this resistance energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself as less than this energy, and assuming that it will win, thus creating an experience of debate to validate my desire to stop the energy, yet do nothing to practically stop it.

I'm on the verge of a break through, and it's half exciting, half doubtful. The doubt comes in because I feel like I've been here so many times already, where "I've had enough" and "I'm ready to change." The excitement comes in because there is a subtle difference this time. I know that I don't know what it's like to actually live this change into a consistently self-directed individual supporting what's best (for all).

"It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so." - Mark Twain

It's a dangerous dance to think we know ourselves when in fact we do not. Dangerous because it doesn't seem dangerous. We could go through our whole lives creating consequences we wouldn't never admit responsibility for. Why? Because we trust the feelings. If it feels like another is surely at fault, we blame without question. I challenge self to question self.

Today I found an interesting success, and what's more interesting is the method used to create the window of opportunity. Let me break it down for you! I've been experiencing a building frustration with myself because I'm not changing. I'm not actually stopping my delay/procrastination character after, like what, 6+ months of writing about it. I feel embarrassed just admitting that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to an idealized version of myself who is able to learn, realize and change rapidly. In this, separating myself from the reality of myself, and repetitively missing the critical moments in actual space time when I can apply myself and live change for real.

This above statement here had taken a long time to hit home. I am finally starting to get a real sense of my perception of myself vs. the reality of myself (which is very difficult to face). Why has it been so hard to see the self-honesty of me? I would shatter the image of me. I would be embarrassed. I would feel bad.

And who wants to feel bad?

Going back to my interesting success and how I created it. I realized one of the most important equations: First thing's first. I realized that I needed a practical first step. The weird part about this realization is that it can totally exist as known information, and so I thought I've known this for a long time, but when that knowledge becomes really realized and applied: it starts working. How exactly? Great question. I didn't know how, so I asked myself: What is my first step? Answer: Actually investigate the resistance. Here's an interesting point as well. I can investigate the resistance and maybe acquire some knowledge and information about it, but if that's where it stops, then it stops there. The second step must be taken.

I'm sorry if this is all obvious to you ;)

So, quick outline/recap:
Step 1: Realize what the first step is.
Step 2: Take the first step - investigate, thoroughly
Step 3: Take the second step - application

That second step is when the rubber hits the road, so to speak. When I take that first step of information discovery, I NEED TO USE IT. It must be applied.


Enough already! What is this success that I had? In the critical moment of self-change. In the moment where I wanted to pick up my tablet and play a video game. In the moment of overwhelming resistance toward doing. I stopped. It was uncomfortable. I didn't want to sit back at my desk to read/type. Nope. But in this moment I decided to conduct a stable self-forgiveness. The 2 statements at the beginning of this post are very similar to what I had spoken aloud. I was able to clear the energy that was so uncomfortable that I've entered into countless time-loops by following it.

And then. I found myself in a bit of a null space. I wasn't sure what to do next. Then I recalled what I learned of the importance of self-commitment statements. I spoke out loud some direction for self. At that moment, the resistance energy was gone, and I had a stable directive that I literally just created.

This is one of my first actual breakthroughs in regaining control of myself using self-forgiveness and corrective application. The doubt that I experience here is utterly based on the past, and a fear of not being able to change. I know what I need to do now. I see, realize, and understand that through my fear, I am creating/manifesting that which I fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my inability to change myself, based on past failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to my past alone, and not give myself the opportunity to create myself anew in every forthcoming moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate self-compromising beliefs without realizing my responsibility herein.

There is only one moment that change can happen. If you don't stop time to see this moment. If you are waiting for the moment to come when you feel ready. If you are thinking it would be better to do it later. STOP. See what you are doing. What is the motivation? STOP. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to sound the relevant self-forgiveness to this point that I am currently experiencing. And until clear, keep forgiving self. Now set the rule of self. What did you originally want to do? If resistance comes up again, self-forgive, specifically. Then commit self to move according to how you want to move.

And Voila!

You have stopped time for long enough to recognize and diffuse the reaction energy, and create effective self-change.

What's next? What is Step 4? Obviously it is to repeat Steps 1-3. Flagpoint the moments where one is not successfully directing self and investigate for the purpose of being able to identify what moves you and what to self-forgive.

On a final note: All of the information here is diddly squat. It sincerely can do nothing to support self, unless it is lived. That is the only real difference I feel here today. I actually applied myself, proactively. I didn't start write this post at 11 o'clock, reacting to the external reason as my starting point. No. I sat down on my couch with my mechanical pencil and my red process journal and investigated my resistance, and when I was ready to get back to reading/typing the resistance came again, BUT I WAS READY FOR IT THIS TIME.

Knowledge without application is useless, and this sentence is hard to understand until you actually literally apply it and see for yourself what you can do. Test yourself. De/Program yourself. Or don't.

Thanks.

Day 319 - Time flying by

I've been in a mini rut. haven't blogged for two days. First day, I had agreed with myself that I do not want to write the blog on this night. I was tired and unwilling to pump out a mediocre post for some external sake. I realize that this blog is written by me for me. Yes, other's may read it, and maybe people of the future will be reading this in the internet archives. The potential of someone relating to my process is the only reason I write this Journey to Life publicly...I often forget that. I tend to wait until the end of the day, out of habit of doing work for a reason outside of myself, some reason other than effective self support. Dan, me, I am here to realize the nature and design of myself that I've created, accepted and allowed. Why, so I can walk the self-forgiveness process and release mental charges that keep me in polarized experience, keep me out of my breath. To reside in the moment here, within my body, instead of within a mind domain that is elsewhere, taking breath and life for granted. Distracted or preoccupied. No time for self to support self.

This is not okay. The world is on a path to WW3. There's a storm of jobless people coming, and I'm sitting in my parents house resisting my individual process with whatever excuse seems valid in a moment. There are over 30,000 deaths today from hunger alone according to http://www.worldometers.info/ (Thanks for the source Garbrielle's blog!). Time is not a luxury for everyone.

I am educated. I have heard the desteni message, and I understand the solution = my participation. With out me, how can I expect anyone to do anything. I have no excuse to not live as the solution. I realize this, yet I still allow myself to abuse time. Not acceptable.

The second day I chose to skip my writing was due to me delaying and delaying until there was not enough time to write a quality post. When I take this out of the context of time and external responsibility, it looks like I am just not willing to do what I need to be done.

I have a responsibility that is expanding as I walk my individual process. Once I clear my head, I will then be best able to support others and fulfill my equal and one role of participating as the solution. One life. One world. One problem...the mental conditioning that keeps us looping in distractions and excuses, drastically limiting our potential as the One solution.

I've recently been reading a book that was gifted to me called The ONE Thing. The key idea is that successful people have just one thing to do. By focusing on just one thing at a time, we can accumulate our accomplishment and be successful in whatever we set our minds to. A large amount of the human race is racing for money alone. Some others have made a girl/guy their one thing. Others, a sports team. For me, my one thing is the world. That's a huge one thing, and I've allowed myself to get bogged down and overwhelmed by it all.

This is no joking matter. This is the one thing holding me back right now. I need to start taking myself more seriously. How I spend each moment is a choice: Do I react within a preprogrammed set of rules within my consciousness, OR do I breathe and consider the self-honesty of myself? Will I allow the feeling to be my excuse for why I can't do it, OR will I stand and direct myself to do what is best? So simple. The faster I figure this out, the less I'll be kicking myself in the butt.

Time is flying by as I watch from the perspective of a consciousness initiated time-loop.
-- OR --
Time is where I am. Time is timeless. Time is who I am. There is only one Time, here.

I commit myself to get back into effective self-supportive writing, on the daily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose sight of my one purpose, living true compassion for life. As a global-social entrepreneur.


I commit myself to the ONE thing that matters most: educating myself into becoming a living solution.

Day 318 - Am I Serious?

I just discovered an interesting design in myself that I had not really considered before. I was reading this post from A Skeptic's Journey to Life called The paranoia of "not being taken seriously", and when I started to relate to it, memories popped up of me deliberately going into an non-seriousness to avoid conflict and/or judgment.

What is it that's going on here when I feel I need to act less than seriously? There are a few things coming up, and I hesitate to slap a quick answer on this question. I will need to spend some serious time with point :)

First thing that comes up is not wanting to take responsibility for / own up to a particular perception that I have made. As if I'm trying to escape a potential embarrassing situation that I have created through thoughts in my secret mind (the stuff I don't want to share). Like for instance if I have made a negative judgement of someone, I would have departed from physical hereness to create this thought, and when I return there is a sense of needing to explain myself. Or maybe it's a shame for even having gone there. Perhaps this moment of internal discomfort is a reaction to not being able to be completely open and honest with my company. It appears there is compounding consequence for participating in the secret mind.

There is also this idea that I hold that being less serious is attractive. I am able to get more positive social reactions with a lighthearted and positive demeanor. I've always liked when people like me, so to be funny has held a value that outweighed being serious and honest with myself and others.

To be serious with myself...why does this point stand out to me? There must be a bit of sorting myself out to do before I understand what's going on here...Why am I not serious with myself? What am I afraid of? How has this relationship of seriousness with self affected how I've been living my life? interacting with others?

I stop, I breathe.

Reckless ego. Caring only about what appeals to me, not considering the totality of consequence and personal responsibility for my thoughts, words and actions.

Without self-honesty, I'd still be lost in my mind creating consequence that I wouldn't even take responsibility for. I see now how I've hurt others and myself by not being serious, and just allowing my mind to keep selective focus and keep moving forward with little regard for anything outside of my narrow focus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the total effect of my choices through and as not taking responsibility for my thoughts, words, and actions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist what I do not like about myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trying to hiding the personal responsibility of consequences that are not pleasant.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be selective with my perception and value placement. While I may have been aware of the consequences that I am responsible for, it is no longer acceptable to let particular incidents slide by because it is uncomfortable to recognize consciously.

Going deep. Stay tuned.

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Day 317 - Supporting Myself Through Resistance

There is a fluctuation within my ability to effectively direct myself. In some moments, I have a clear sense of why I move. In other moments, I am noticeably in a reaction when I move into a distraction. The interesting thing here is that I can notice when I am not self-directive. If I can see when I am not in alignment with a particular goal that is of high priority, then why would I allow myself to not do what needs to be done? Simply put, I am not being honest with myself.

If I were self-honest in every moment, I would see exactly what my motivations are and why I am ignoring and resisting particular tasks. So why am I resisting self-honesty? It's a really silly thing when I look at the answers that come up for me as I ask myself this question. It looks like I am ashamed that I am not productive / effective, and because of this negative experience of shame, I avoid the task to prevent the shame. It snowballs backwards. It's a negative feedback loop. It's not even logical when considering each part of the equation. Doing the task does not produce the shame, NOT doing the task does. Somehow, I've created a fallacy in associating the shame with the task, instead of the NOT doing of the task.

So, when being self-honest here, I do not allow the emotion to turn me away from the task. That feeds the problem, and only by reacting to the experience do I create and compound this aspect within the design of resistance. Yesterday, I wrote the self-forgiveness primarily on the overwhelmingness reaction and separation of myself from the resistance energy in a blame-victim relationship to it.

Today, I realize that there are several aspects / layers to why I am not 100% self-directive yet. I stop, I breathe. I can only move at the pace at which I push myself.

Basically there are two forms of living life, and one of them can hardly be called living. Either we react to our environment, and from a certain conscious perspective, we feel in control and we feel like we react in a reasonable manner. This is the more robotic form, but it doesn't feel like it because we, as egos, personally programmed our reactions, based on past experiences, to produce a favorable outcome. The other way to actually life and lead a life, is by noticing the reactive tendencies, taking a breath, considering the options and choosing what is best. And not just what is best for self. Life supports life. Ego supports ego. When weighing the options, the obvious choice from a life perspective is doing what is best for all life. Only by truly considering what is here, the consequences, and benefits, does one see the Best option. From within the reaction, the ego is the primary driver, and it does not consider everything carefully, functioning within the limited database of personal experience. And thus, a world of mistakes and misunderstandings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within experience and not breathe myself into stability before I go into a distraction action.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self-dishonest when I move into a distraction by ignoring / suppressing the (subtly) known consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress known consequences through various means of self-interested, selective perspective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I suppress consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I'm not breathing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the connection between self-honesty, breathing, and slowing down to consider my exact motivations within each and every task/distraction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that I am to do an excellent job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when I do not do an excellent job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I spiral and compound my lack of doing an excellent job by reacting to the fact that I am not doing an excellent job, instead of realizing what must be done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that simply doing what needs to be done is the only effective way to do an excellent job, and all emotional reaction that brings me to act in a way that is outside of what simply must be done is completely useless and even detrimental to the cause.

When and as I see myself in reaction to task resistance, I stop I breathe. I realize that this reaction is not a self-honest assessment of what is here. I commit myself to flag pointing task resistance and utilizing the awareness of this moment to distinguish and determine my motivations.

Within this I commit myself to investigate my motivations and understand why I am allowing repetitive patterns of ineffective actions that are self-compromising.

When and as I see myself disregarding consequence, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have hidden the actuality and the totality of the consequential outflows just enough, so that I may allow them to slide by without much consideration. I commit myself to flag pointing these seemingly tiny moments of allowed deviance from my task. There is quantum level movement here that I have programmed into my flesh. It's become my automation, and I no longer accept and allow this outdated programming to run my life.

When and as I see myself using an excuse to justify my delay / distraction, I stop I breathe. I realize here is another moment of ego defense that must be investigated, deconstructed, and deleted if it does not serve what is best for all.  I commit myself to continue educating myself on how I've constructed my reactive body, so that I may acknowledge, take responsibility for, and bring myself through actual, lasting self-change.

I commit myself to realizing myself as one and equal with the physical. Every wasted moment of those in process = lives.

Investigate your programming. Investigate the global programming.
Become the solution. Support Equal Money.

To get a better understanding of why and how to 'light a fire under your ass', I suggest this insightful interview:

Day 316 - Proving Resistance is Powerless

I'm peeling back the layers. The composition of my resistance energy is still not completely understood, and this means that further investigation will be required before I stabilize this stance of self-mastery. I've noted how I move from overwhelmed through a reaction to giving up. Example: "too much work to do > I can't effectively do it all" > delay & distraction. I abandon my whole task list because of an emotional reaction of being overwhelmed. It's utterly ridiculous from the stand point of doing what works. The emotion overrides the common sense application of myself.

Side note on self-mastery: To achieve self-mastery, there must be a self-slave. This is a polarity concept, and when it's participated in and lived, a split personality is created: Self as a Master and a Slave. To live as real self-change, there is only ONE self that acknowledges self as the problem and the solution, and takes the responsibility to move into and as the solution. In this specific case of mastering myself in relation to resistance, I will need to recognize and accept the responsibility of each relevant point that is part of this resistance feeling reaction that I've programmed into my living flesh over the years of participating in it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed and react by going into a powerlessness character, allowing the resistance energy to be accepted as greater and more powerful than I.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the resistance energy through placing myself as a victim of it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my resistance as separate and more powerful that who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself as the resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself as the solution of pushing / willing myself through the residual effects of my relationship with resistance energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight with resistance in separation of it - not realizing this is like feeding the fire, building friction and ultimately giving in to the same resistance that I thought I was fighting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to unknowingly amplify my experience of resistance, through separating myself from it, placing myself in a victim relationship to my own mind, and secretly rooting for the resistance to win so my desire for the distraction can thrive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have not been seriously wanting to stop the resistance because I wanted to indulge in a desire that I was hiding from myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from the desires I am ashamed to admit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my secret mind to continue on in secrecy because...I am still attached to my ego.

I stop, I breathe.

Today went well. Not perfectly. Tomorrow is another day. Will I allow this writing release to disencumber me for the moment and then allow myself to fall back into the same habit? No. Why, I have been here too many times. Tomorrow will be a reflection with living commitments to self. Thanks.

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Day 315 - Resisting the Solution to Resistance

There is this emotion, subtle, yet solid. It's a discomfort...an unquestioned discomfort. The issue here is not that I experience resistance. We all experience resistance, until we stop it.

The layers upon layers within layers, hence the title of this post. In my process journal (hand written), I was able to figure out some cool points about how and where I've been experiencing a "lag/snag" within my process. Details next time.

I commit myself to applying myself within my blog more effectively.

I commit myself to prioritize my day within a common sense consideration of all effected aspects.

I commit myself to begin effectively assisting and supporting myself to push through resistance like there's no tomorrow.

Join in blogs to come. This is only the beginning. This is the breath where it all begins :)

Day 314 - Taking Breath for Granted (LSC)

(LSC) = Living Self-Commitments

Continuing from:
Day 312 - Taking Breaths for Granted
Day 313 - Taking Breath for Granted (SF)

For additional support and perspective, I use this wiki page to understand what it is to just breathe.

I commit myself to assist and support myself in realizing myself as my breath.

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself excuse and validate my self-dishonesty; to no longer deliberately maintain separation of my breath. I am here with it.

I commit myself to realizing that I am inevitably here with every breath, and through this realization, observe and investigate my state of separation.

I commit myself to keep breathing.

I commit myself to breathe then direct myself.

I commit myself to continue breathing.

I commit myself to breathe and be aware of myself.

I commit myself to bring myself back to my breath when and as I see myself in separation of my breath.

I commit myself to breathe when I am participating in any action, or moment of decision.

I commit myself to actively participate with my breath as soon as I wake up.

I commit myself to breathe throughout the day and reflect on these moments to understand where and when I take breaths to give context and clarity to the moments that I am not yet breathing.

I commit myself to prioritizing my breathing application, and within that

I commit myself to effectively applying myself within my daily responsibilities. When and as I see that I'm not, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can halt an energetic possession and breathe into stability to apply myself effectively within the principle of What's Best For All.

I commit myself to continue breathing and being with my breath, until I breathe no more.

Day 313 - Taking Breath for Granted (SF)

Continued from:
Day 312 - Taking Breaths for Granted

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take my breath for granted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it's too difficult to be aware of who I am / how I behave within each breath in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prioritize my thoughts, feelings, and emotions before my breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately distract myself with activities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the self-dishonest nature of deliberately distracting myself, not facing the reality of myself that is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to casually forget my breath, and not take responsibility for  each moment that I digress from the herenessness, into the mental folds, separating myself from the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the perception that my mind's thoughts, feelings and projections are of greater value, thus justifying my separation from reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing the value I've defined as my mental processes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I think will happen if I just breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about what may happen if I just breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself from a starting point of just breathing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build a false perception of trust in my mental processes, when they are unreliable/unstable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give my breath a chance as my expressive starting point.

Living corrective application statements to follow..

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Day 312 - Taking Breaths for Granted

This is a cycling realization that each moment is a moment that I am either directing myself specifically or I am running on autopilot according to some outdated mental program that I created in my formative years.

It is a cultural phenomena to bounce around from distraction to distraction. Maybe we call it an occupation because we can make money. This form of distraction is "okay" because money is all that really matters, right? It defines us. Not only does it support our survival, but it's also very much a societal status thing. I'm slipping into a rant about money as I digress.

The concept I'm trying to share is the idea of I can take X amount of breaths a day for granted. I mean, what is up with that?! Why is this chill? How do I not realize the significance of who I am in each moment, with every breath? It's absurd, and yet commonplace. I know there are many readers (you) who can remember having at least a single moment where they felt alive! To enjoy life in that absolute simplicity of being life. To be alive....how awesome is that!

Alas, this accounts for only a small fraction of our lives, probably more during our childhood. So what happened? Where did I lose myself?

Since I've been walking with Desteni, one of the key tools they push is to breathe. And on my mind I kind of go, "yeah yeah, ok.," all while I'm totally missing the idea.  I realize this is going to be a long journey to life, BUT I don't intend to make it longer by repeatedly taking my breath for granted.

To be continued with specifically designed self-forgiveness.

Day 311 - My Favorite Band

I've been waiting for this day. It caught me off guard and I'm having trouble with my writing flow. How do I convey the passion I've been feeling while listening to this music? How can I pay tribute to the band in a way that...I've got it. I'll just litter my post with links to some of my favorite songs and describe how 311 has played a significant role in my life.

Even though I only started really listening to 311 in my second year of college, it feels like I've been listening to them for eons. I was obsessed, and any true 311 fan would understand exactly why. I can't do it justice, but to give you an idea why: They mix the perfect groove with truth resonant lyrics. I really enjoy the melodies, guitar riffs and super sweet base lines, but it wasn't until I started listening to the lyrics that I started to reconsider everything. I became obsessed looking for verbal insight in the midst of awesome music.

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I didn't begin to crack the code when my friend showed me this song in high school, but the second time 311 popped into my life was right in the middle of my "spiritual awakening." It was music to my ears in every sense of the expression. I could try to go on and elaborate about how great the music felt in combination with the insightful lyrics, but I'll just leave you with this example: Sun Come Through.

When I came across the Desteni message of oneness and equality about a year after my 311 obsession kicked in, I kind of felt like a dear in headlights. Among other spiritual quests prior, 311 prepped me for what I was about to hear, yet at the same time, there were contradictions. My curiosity, open-mindedness, and definitive quest for truth kept me going in this pivotal moment along my spiritual path. Desteni was claiming all the enlightenment and ascension stuff that I was beginning to get deeper in (see post 217) was futile. I was lucky I didn't react and reject it. I held the contradictions in limbo while I continued exploring: How could equality be a living embodiment? The oneness part was easy. Even 311 is down for the unity!

That the gist of it. I continued with my curious investigation, my spiritual awakening turned into my Journey to Life, and it turns out I was strong all along! :)

Now I'm here to share how I got here with each post I publish. It's for you to walk with me. We're actually all in this journey to life together, equal and one. Wherever you are on your path, we are all "nothing but a walking sack of Earth," and thus individually responsible for our collective direction.

Will you be part of the peaceful revolution, or just another beautiful disaster?

Thanks for everything 311!







P.S. Thought I should mention Inner Light Spectrum <   my favorite song, barely.

--

Support the Equal Life Foundation and check out the Equal Money platform. Tons of insight can also be garnered in the Desteni forum.

Enjoy Life & Be The Solution.

Day 310 - Splurge Time

I create a feeling of being able to splurge a little with my time whenever I've "been good." Kind of like a dietary splurge when one has been eating healthy, why not treat oneself to a little cheat-treat? It's a form of self-deception and it adds up more than I had realized thus far.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it's ok to justify my resistance toward work and being productive after I have accomplished something.

A form of this came up today with my friend. We both agreed that we experience some kind of "I'm spent" and unable to do anything more after a day of work. It's a creation in my head. It probably stems back to when I was rewarded for being good as a child. I formed a habit of expectation. And it's even interesting to take a step back and look the design of reward after going through something undesirable. Instead of investigating the relationship toward the undesirable object (i.e. work, vegetables) and releasing that system, it appears that I've been conditioned to rather cover up my negative experience and forget about it by moving into a positive experience (i.e. video game, ice cream) for a moment. And then on to the next moment until the pattern repeats again. Silly human tendency.

My relationship to sugar will need extensive investigation. There will be a bit of overlap here, as sometimes I use food/sweets as a time related distraction, but my focus is on how I let myself be overly unproductive through justification of needing to balance/reward being productive with my time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define productivity through/as a positive charge that requires energy and a polarity out flow of negatively charged laziness/relaxation. There is an underlying dynamic that is interesting where productivity has a negative charge on it, making it hard to bring myself to this state vs. the polarity positive charge on lazy/relaxation/ease. So, there is a polarity balance within productivity alone, as well as lazy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT realize that I am maintaining charges on these words 'productivity' and 'lazy' that are cycling through polarity and manifesting as experiential cycles that cause friction and conflict within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to positively and negatively charge 'lazy/relaxation' - instead of relaxing being simply that which it is - without a mental desire/avoidance mechanism in place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be lazy because I perceive it as easy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire the easy life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see being lazy or relaxing as 'bad', as this is utilized by me to feel guilt or judge myself for not being 'good', effectively perpetuating the cycle of internal friction and conflict = no self-change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to positively and negatively charge 'productivity' - instead of seeing productivity simply as a necessary part of life to get stuff done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be productive because then I will be rewarded.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see productivity only in contrast to the positive reward, as something that I must to be able to move forward. In this, I have externalized my motivation and removed myself from the sole driver of me as being self-responsible, and in that productive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get caught up in a reward cycle, losing awareness of time in the context of the day and what else I can or should be doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say/think "just one more round" without realizing the design of perpetuating my abdication of my responsibility for myself, here in every moment.

When and as I see myself fighting with myself to get motivated and productive, I stop I breathe. I realize that I'm in an internal polarity conflict because I have energetically charged who I am in relation to work. I commit myself to assist and support myself in becoming aware of how I have created myself in relation to productivity as difficult and relaxation as reward. This system is not helping me to be as effective as I can be.

When and as I see myself delaying work or maintaining distraction, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have an ultimate responsibility for myself and my decisions within every moment. I commit myself to acknowledging that I am unable to divert, avoid, or excuse myself from the consequences that will ensue from me not wanting to take responsibility for myself here. *Here = one moment and all moments.

I commit myself to realizing the significance of what is here and who I am in relation to whatever is here. This is who I am. I am defined by my relationships, and yet I allow them to flow out from my past, and blame my past an the people that have shaped me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others, and not always recognize my self-responsibility for the entirety of myself within what is here. This being my past/present creating my future. I am responsible for this process even though it appears automated and uncontrollable.

I commit myself to continue investigating my automation AND taking responsibility for it.