Day 308 - Intending to Wake Up

Last night when I was intending to write about 'intention', I was feeling a bit tired and intended to rest for a moment. Indeed, I rested for just long enough to have to skip writing a post that night. This brings up several points, but I'm just focusing on a particular aspect of intention: lack of doing.

When I had intended to wake up in a bit, to direct myself responsibly, later, I relinquished the moment to an unspecified future. I gave up my moment. This in itself isn't terrible, but everything going on within it is a brand of habit forming self-compromise that is not cool. It was like I was deliberately lying to myself so I could temporarily escape my responsibility.

I could apply this issue of intention without doing in many areas of my daily living - which I intend to do...

Ok, by taking a look at this, I see that I haven't specifically planned out how or when I will address these "many [undefined] areas" where I am able to stand up and move myself vs. intending, thinking, delaying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place tasks within intention, not realizing that I'm actually avoiding them through a string of justification of delay. Regardless of whether or not I need to do it right away, I am giving up that moment to do nothing better. I am not making effective self-agreements.

So, to get working at full strength, I need to be clear, explicit, direct, specific with myself and my intentions. Especially the starting point! Why must I set an intention and not act now? What is the 'better' use of my time in this moment? Can I apply self-forgiveness on this point and create an internal stability from which to decide and prioritize the use of my time here?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing me to feel like it's so difficult to be clear, explicit, direct and specific with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into this feeling and not be clear, stable and direct with myself when the feeling comes up.

Defining this feeling: not now ex. "I don't want to" / (sigh)"really, why do it" / (tilt head to side)"I don't have enough energy [to face myself] right now" / "I can't. I am unable (for some reason that isn't clear/stable)."

The feeling lacks self-agreement and the willingness to establish it because so doing would nullify the feeling. This mind design stuff is so intriguing. Who can crack the code? I can crack the code! haha

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be clear, direct, stable and specific with myself and my intentions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to utilize intention to escape having to be responsible for myself in this moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project the necessity of self-responsibility externally, as in feeling like I owe it to someone other than myself to be self-responsible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize why I want to be responsible for myself in every moment. This would entail just living within self-agreements. I am not trying to perpetuate this internal conflict of intention vs. action, no. I am here to practice and develop a stable and effective self-application. To be self-honest.

I could go on for days. I just had a mini stress temper tantrum while trying to think about how to direct my writing next, and what to write about tomorrow and when. I stopped and I breathed. I realize that I'm only as effective as I am in this moment - which is the primary motivation to stop reckless, paranoid intention. I get paranoid that something's not right or won't be right, and then I become lost in the future - like a slow chess player that thinks too many moves ahead because he's afraid of / intimidated by his opponent.

I commit myself to bring myself back to my breath when I start to feel a need to set an intention. Future tasks that are not able to be immediately directed in some way, probably do not need my attention.

I commit myself to asking the questions: "Why?" and "What triggered my intention program?" When I find that a paranoia or some form of self-interest comes up in my answer, I commit myself to apply self-forgiveness in that moment...

Click. I understand another perspective of "living commitment" now. Instead of intending to apply self-forgiveness in some distant future when some uncertain point comes up, I make a living commitment, a lasting choice of how I will live a specific moment whenever it comes up. How does that expression go?...googling..."The devil's in the details."

Well then, I invite myself to face the devil, because letting the details slide by without attention is making my life a living hell. I can't trust myself if I am not going to be intimately specific with myself. I commit myself to assist and support myself in bringing my attention to the details and no longer skating through life just based on how I feel in that moment.

Thanks. Check out these other related JTL posts (that I read prior to writing today):

http://kaitleeprocess.blogspot.com/2013/05/intent-i-didnt-mean-to-day-44.html

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/05/day-400-paranoia-of-intent.html

Day 307 - Falling Back to Sleep

Today marked the second day of experimenting with my morning boot up process. The investigative intention that I held today was slightly less charged than it was yesterday (interesting to note).  Still, I was mindful and taking careful notice of what went on in my head. I half rolled over to quickly check my emails on my phone, but there was a pretty persuasive energy drawing my head back to my pillow. I allowed it, BUT under the condition that I would be paying even closer attention to how I move within its effect. I even cracked a smile as I submitted to the energy with intention, trying to justify the act as further investigation, though while also aware that by laying back down = exactly what the energy's purpose is.

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Realizing this kept me alert enough to not actually fall back to sleep. In under 5 minutes, I willed myself upright and I tried to clear that strong feeling of go back to bed / lay down with breathing. It wasn't as magical as I had hoped. I struggled a bit, but I was up and moving before I was completely cleared of the head fog.

I titled this post Falling Back to Sleep because my day was overall less productive than the day before. It reminded of one of those past days of sleeping in and waking up with no intention/direction. My first thought as I sat down to write today was, "why?" and I associated it to how I woke up and gave into the energy while trying to circumvent the consequence through an "upgraded" justification. I believed that waking up in that groove of mindfulness with submission, flowed out into the rest of my day. But, during this writing, I also realized that my physical to-do list was not filled out for the day. In contrast, yesterday I had filled up my to-do list with more than I was able to complete the night before.

That 'slightly less charged' intention energy that I had noted at the top, that must be related to my empty day. I didn't give myself any direction the night before. To test this, I will try planning my day the night before and compare it to how effective I am by applying an intention the night before to plan my day when I wake up. I already know that when I don't know my day plan for tomorrow, I can easily continue to "not know," and my whole day lags, similar to how today went. This will be a test of self-honesty within intention, planning, and follow through. Creating a heightened sense of continuity between days has been a goal of mine. Glad to be working the angles on this point.

So, I'm pretty sure that I've narrowed down a critical relationship that needs to be purified. Join me tomorrow for a brief wake-up report, and I'll dive into how I've related to the word 'intention'. Note: I have written down morning plans, starting with 7:30 yoga.

Intense-ion

In-tents-e-on

Intent-see-on

Points to investigate

• Setting intention
• what is the starting point / the why
• Following through on intention
• resistance > intention?
• intention < self-agreement?
• Who am I without intention
• directive / responsible vs. aimless / carefree / ?

Day 306 - Morning Mind Play

Continuation of:
Day 305 - My Earliest Written Blog Post Yet
Day 304 - Morning Boot Up

Cool. I had a nice opportunity to play with my mind, and what did I find? The morning wasn't kind.

Seriously though, I made some interesting participatory observations. Here's a brief walk through: Alarm goes off, wasn't expecting it, but I adapt. I turn it off during a feeling of heavy wake-up resistance, head straight back to the pillow. Mind reminds me to exercise my breathing application to dissolve the resistance feeling. Slowly, my breathing turns into ego/thought, fail. Recovered 45 minutes later. I realize I can't be laying down in the most comfortable position ever if I want to wake up.

Solution:
One breath   > upright position. Continued breathing until stable. Direct self to begin the day.

Also, reporting on how the rest of my yesterday went after posting my earliest blog ever :
- Got more done.
- Felt like I still needed to be writing during the 10th and 11th hour of the evening
- Bottom line: When I start my day with self-supportive actions, like writing, I continue my day in a relatively more self-supportive way.

So, here I am now, typing up another morning post. It's freeing. It even seems like the day lasts longer. In addition to waking up earlier, I also don't have a looming responsibility that I've put on hold the entire day. The key difference is that instead of wanting to spend my time distracting myself from whatever I am procrastinating, I am free to move on to the next responsibility, effectively accomplishing more in a day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delay responsibilities and not realize how I'm amplifying my inefficiency by expelling effort within the delay/procrastination suppression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify sleeping in within the domain of my mind while under the influence of morning tiredness energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight within myself as the various voices/backchat that are back and forth "do I get up/do I just sleep" not realizing that participating in this inner dialogue IS within the design of the resistance energy that pulls me back to my pillow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am choosing to place my head back down on the pillow through accepting and allowing that resistance energy to direct me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize and stand as one and equal with the energies of my mind, taking full responsibility for my actions, instead of blaming my actions on a mind in separation of who I really am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my mind for my behavior.
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When and as I see myself delaying a responsibility, I stop I breathe. I realize that if I initiate damage control by trying to hide from my decision to postpone a task, I am being dishonest with myself and creating consequences that I don't want. I commit myself to assist and support myself when operating within a delay, to either face the resistance and do the 'dreaded' task, or engage in other prioritized tasks within an agreement with myself to accomplish the delayed task at a specific time frame.

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When and as I see myself debating and justifying why I should go back to sleep in the morning, I stop I breathe. I realize that in this state of mind, I am unfit to make a stable decision. I commit myself to sit up and breathe until the resistance energy is not the sole director of my decision. As I consider all that I could be doing with my day and as the resistance is no longer overwhelming, I will allow myself to go back to sleep if that seems needed. For now I am on a probationary period of one month. If this point becomes an issue again, I'll make adjustments.

When and as I see myself blaming my mind for my behavior, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am the mind, that there is no separation, that no one but me alone is responsible for my behavior. I commit myself to assisting and supporting myself to identify each relationship point of blame/separation  between myself and my mind, so that I can and will walk the correction. The solution as standing one and equal with one's own mind, accepting the responsibility of one's own reactions, even though it seems out of our control, it isn't. I commit myself to accepting the responsibility for myself and in so doing, showing others that they can too: Operation Disband Victim Culture.

This isn't over yet. In fact, it's good practice to not think that any of my transcendence points are over because if I do, then I'm probably wrong. The desire to be done is a more potent thought generator than the absolute silence of true transcendence. I commit myself to persist in demystifying the resistance of self-change so that I & WE, equal as one, may walk this self-corrective process more effectively. Thanks.

Day 305 - My Earliest Written Blog Post Yet

For some context, check out Day 304 - Morning Boot Up

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This is the earliest blog that I've ever written. I my eyes opened at 7:57. I followed productively oriented thought back to sleep. Two minutes later, I awoke with an answer, though, it was not a spectacular arrival of insightful information. It was more like an intentionally hidden answer, so that I could excuse myself into sleepy, head-resting thought for just a little longer. (It had to do with listing something on eBay, needing a white backdrop and not knowing what I could use..."my bed sheets") The point is, I could have easily found a solution through a giving the question my full, alert attention.

I continued to ask myself questions that I can't recall exactly (even though it was 20 minutes ago). All the questions seemed to come from a genuine curiosity, while at the same time leading to a rewarding inaction. That's a new concept I haven't identified before. Basically, the indulgence of thought while morning tiredness is in full swing. I would ask the questions as a means to stay inert. The questions would also be aligned to genuine curiosity. This allowed me to justify my choice to continue resting / fall back asleep.

The actual process of awaking only happened as I started asking better questions, more in align with 'why am I still resting?' I looked at my laptop that I carefully placed within reach of my bed. This triggered my intention to wake up and write, so that I could get a better sense for why and how I delay my wake up process.

I still do not fully understand the effects that sleeping in has on my day, and I still am unfamiliar with what it feeling like to intentionally disparate the tiredness energy within a breath awareness. These two will be points will come next. Working with what I got so far:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I can find answers to my problems if I ask myself while falling back to sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can find better / "more real" answers by consulting my slumber self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the nature of how I operate in the mornings when I fall back to sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to remain physically inert in the morning wake up process, and allow my mind to take me away into an answer searching experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget my self-directive responsibility within the morning tiredness energy, effectively starting my whole day off with a vague/subtle understanding that "I am just going to go with the flow today," suppressing the urgency to begin working on my responsibilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take my thoughts for granted instead of realizing I have a choice to remember my breathing and direct myself here.

When and as I see myself resisting waking up, I stop I breathe. I realize I am the creator of my reality. Will I allow the energy of tiredness direct me in the morning, or will I live here, in absolute responsibility for myself in that moment of choosing how I want to experience myself. I commit myself to realizing my self-responsibility in the very initial moments of awareness when I awake.

When and as I see myself thinking about a question that I will try to answer as I fall back to sleep in the morning, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can answer my own questions without trying to dream up answers. I commit myself to actually breathe and give myself a moment to self-responsibly decide if I can wake up and answer my question-thought or if I actually would like to enter into dream world. If that's the case, I will write immediately upon waking up to solidify my dream findings, and attempt to validate if it was a worthy venture, comparing it to if I had just woken up and began writing first thing.

When and as I see myself feeling tired / lazy / unwilling to get up and start my day productively, I stop I breathe. I realize that by submitting to this feeling-energy, I am making a statement of who I am. I commit myself to taking all the necessary steps to become in control as a directive principle in and of my life and to stop merely reacting to my mind as soon as I awake.

When and as I see myself taking my thoughts for granted, as in thinking and not thinking twice about it, I stop I breathe. I realize that these thoughts are reactions to and activations of other thoughts. I commit myself to stop, breathe, and regain control of my ability to decide who I am in a moment. If I fall and do not make the responsible, best for all choice: investigate all the dynamics that lead to that decision.

Ok Dan, enjoy the day. I'll report tomorrow about how my day differs having done my blog post earlier in the day. Thanks for reading me.

Day 304 - Morning Boot Up

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Most mornings when I do not have to awake suddenly, I allow myself to go through a noteworthy boot-up process. Thoughts that are enticing...they draw me back into my pillow and off into dream world. Actually, this is the primary if not only way I remember my dreams. It's kind of like a morning nap that I choose to do after waking up "too early." I haven't spent too much time considering the effects and ramification of this behavior until recently. Even as I recall the recent times that I was practicing morning thought/behavior awareness, I see that I would become defeated and submit to the strangely powerful force of tiredness.

This is my mind consciousness system booting up.

This morning, I went through this process with an added level of attention. I was even considering blogging about it first thing, but I backed down into my comfortable routine of waiting until the late night to blog. I've been thinking about it all day, which goes to show the detriment of delay. So, I have two points here that I want to investigate. Firstly, how does this boot up process affect my daily routine? Secondly, what would go differently in my daily routine, if I wrote first thing in the morning?

Right now, I'll focus on these initial thoughts about my boot up process:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go back to sleep in the morning from a thought-based starting point excuse/justification, including but not limited to: "no one else is up," "it's too cold," "there's no reason I need to be up right now" - this backchat is not comprehensively considerate of my plans for how I would ideally be spending my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pay no attention to and take no responsibility for the decision I make when I go back to sleep in the morning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play victim of tiredness energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that I create the tiredness energy in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit to and empower this sleepiness energy instead of realizing my oneness and equality with it, my own creation, myself.

When and as I see myself about to go back to sleep, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a critical decision moment of who I am. I commit myself to asking myself this question, and being extraordinarily mindful of the excuse/justification/backchat that comes up within resistance to waking up.

When and as I see myself waking up after I've gone through an extra nap cycle in the morning, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am again faced with a decision of who I am. Will I continue my day in the absence of of willpower, or will I stop and decide to be the directive principle throughout the rest of my day? I commit myself to write in the mornings. This requires that I bring my laptop with me the night before with an intention set.

I commit myself to consider my daily responsibilities and ideal workload capacity before I simply return to my pillow.

I commit myself to realizing myself as the creator of my morning tiredness, and thus responsibility to awake / move.

I commit myself to getting my life back from the slumber-zone!

To be continued tomorrow ASAP > ASAIA (As Soon As I Awake)

Day 303 - Second Wind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can only do so much in a day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I can only do so much in a day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel drained and unable to direct myself productively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not make an attempt to stop my reaction of perceived inability.

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I commit myself to really stop, and breathe, when I see myself thinking/feeling that I can't go on, that I can't do anymore, that I must rest.

I commit myself to self-honestly assessing myself, in breath, to determine if I really do need to rest - or is my mind just creating this reality in this moment.

Day 302 - I Process Competition

...is unacceptable.

Recently, a friend of mine started her Journey To Life blog (Breathe), and I am continually impressed. The writing is thorough and honest. My problem is how I am comparing myself, and the mental processes that come from that are utter self-sabotage and in no way supportive for self or other as what's best for all. My ego has revealing itself repeatedly, and I can no longer allow myself to suppress this design of wanting to be more/better than.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to another in the individual process of self-realization, self-responsibility, and self-honesty otherwise known as the Desteni I Process, with the intent to measure and weigh my effectiveness in my own process - treating it as a race.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when I see another human being is doing well / better than I, by wanting to "one up" and do even better myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress this desire to "one up" another so that I do not even see, realize or understand my motivation surge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self-motivated to give my absolute / unconditional best effort for myself within my individual process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the energy play of competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for the creating a energetic game of competition in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that when I take on this orientation / perspective / relationship toward another, I am also motivated to see them do worse / fail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be selfish, greedy and competitive, while holding the concept of what's Best for All on a pedestal instead of as a working principle to live into reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my personal responsibility to embody and live the principle of what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rather support myself within an illusion that this process is a race because I find it easier to measure my value by comparison instead of within utter self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse the spoken word to portray myself in a way that doesn't carry over into my living application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am special, and thus react when this is threatened by reconstructing my perception and/or changing my behavior to prove myself as more/greater than.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry this human race baggage into my process and not realize it by judging it as 'bad' and thus suppressing it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I suppress what I think is bad so I do not have to face it and change. It is my mind trying to preserve the familiar program. This is not who I am and I do not allow this any longer.

This, specifically being the act of hiding what I don't want to see, to remain within my predictable, reaction relationships to others and my environment. To be self-honest is to not allow exactly this mental behavior. I realize it is a process, a process I commit myself to walking to completion regardless of how fast or slowly others move in their own process. My motivation comes from myself, here, wanting what is best for all.

When and as I see myself hiding my motivations from myself and/or others, I stop I breathe. I realize that NO ONE benefits when I allow shameful motivations to run rampant within me. I commit myself to investigate these points that I fear revealing. First to myself. Walk it through in writing. Understand self's motivations. Where they come from. Breathe. Forgive. Let it go. This fear is not required to live. This fear is in fact standing in my way from effectively applying what is best for all, as shown here today.

When and as I see myself comparing my effectiveness within DIP to how others are doing from an ego stance, I stop I breathe. I realize that no matter how this pursuit ends, my starting point isn't best for all, and so my result is not best for all. I commit myself to really breathing and considering what will yield a best case scenario for all participants.

I commit myself to learn from others and apply myself more effectively in my own process. In doing this, I can encourage others to also apply themselves more effectively. The design of this is similar to competition, but the motivation is stable as self doing what's best for self and all always, and the desire to undermine, cheat, compromise another being in their individual process is nonexistent. Best for all is incredibly better than pure self-interest, and become more and more apparent as I understand and let go of my personal fears that define me and separate me from my neighbors.

I commit myself to mapping my ego. This would be a fun self-directed project to see myself. I'll publish it here, so stay tuned!

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I see my ego comparison / competition thought activation. I realize this is not me as life. This is my uncompassionate self-centered personality. Flag point it. I am here, committed to supporting myself as life as an inherent expression of what's best for all, and I will not continue to race with other humans.

Time is ticking. It's silly to waste it in an ego mind game that isn't real. This silly notion that I am special and need to constantly fight to prove it is not worth my effort. We are all special, so none is special. The question is: who is willing to put in the effort? Which means the real question is: Why don't I put in maximum effort? Much more journey to come.

Day 301 - For Real Though, Go to Bed

Last night didn't go so well. It's like I directly disobeyed myself from the perspective of my post yesterday. Given, I had a 90 minute evening nap that kind of messed up my tiredness schedule. I'm not going to beat myself up, AND I'm also not going to suppress the whole thing. That's been a favorite coping mechanism of mine when I've failed in making a self-change in some of my earlier JTL posts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress failure.

I didn't get to bed last night until after watching a few episodes of NBC's Revolution, and reading a bit until I  got too sleepy and had to go to bed. This routine of not attempting to sleep until I am sleepy is how I believed myself to be 'good' at falling asleep. The issue isn't really that I can't sleep unless I'm sleepy. The issue is that I misuse my time. In turn, abuse of time results in awkward sleeping patterns.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be able to sleep when I am not tired.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am flawed because I cannot sleep at will.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse time in such a way that my following day is compromised.

Today, when I woke up I was tired but wanted to have a productive day. I resorted to taking a cognitive enhancer commonly known as adderall. I've experimented with this only a few times before in college. I was always weary of it because I didn't want to become reliant on it. Still now, I see myself fearing inability to deal with and face my own mentally created resistance to focused application of myself in doing work. It's not a simple correction...from the perspective of the resistance that is me. From the perspective that is the life that is me, I don't get tired except by design. There's no reason I can't focus on something, unless I allow myself to sway in the mental tides of attention. Thus,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am susceptible to and a helpless victim of the feeling of lethargy. This is when I feel tired, clouded, distracted, or not having enough energy. I realize that my attention is only defined by an energy fluctuation when I allow it to be. I also realize, that I am not going to get a solid grip on ALL of my mental movements (in the form of backchat or thoughts that create these lethargic feelings) overnight; however, I am able to take on one point at a time. I commit myself to walking through one point of self-change at a time, to completion. This specifically entails I do not slip up where I have made a correction and then suppress it and keep going, no. This means that I do not fall without reconsidering my relationship to each relevant point through the writing process. (Meta Alert) This blog is a great example.

I commit myself to begin walking my day more effectively, instead of delaying everything until the last minute, which really turns into not getting things done. Accomplishment 101: Do work, either now or during a reasonable time frame AS AN AGREEMENT WITH SELF. I commit myself to begin assisting and supporting myself with scheduling agreements that are intimately serious and practical.

Recap of working points:
- Go to bed within a mental state of completion, meaning, to have all my affairs in order and prepared for a lively tomorrow. "Prevention is the best cure," they say. I say they're right, and I'm done waking up with no orientation to the work/tasks of the day.
- Sleep when tired, but do not delay sleep.
- Watch fluctuation of attention, and write out the backchat that empowers the resistance feelings and is used to justify a lack of self-direction.

My sleep character is now in my sights. Remember to write out the thoughts that pertain to some aspect of "I can't (stay focused)." This is all me. I take responsibility. And I'm going to press through resistance until resistance realizes that it can't mess with me anymore.

For now, goodnight.

 pic credit

Day 300 - Correcting Sleep Patterns

For as long as I can remember, I've spent the majority of my nights in a silent fight with myself. The basic idea was to postpone falling asleep as long as I can, to make full use of my time at night. Why was the nighttime special to me? It was time I had to myself.

Primarily in a family setting when this habit formed, I enjoyed social interaction during the day, but when the late evening arrived and everyone is doing their own thing, I would go into learning and work mode. It seemed the best way to use my time, and through this I developed an emphasized value on the late hours of the day. The results: Many late nights due to saving / delaying my work until the night & I utilized these late nights for self growth and understanding. It was opposite of how I perceived my peers and family to be. This inflated my ego superiority through "I am investing my free time into understanding whatever I am curious about." In college, most of my free (night) time to myself disappeared, and I doubled up on social time. This caused me to react and subtly define social time negatively as "social distraction." Now, I am for the most part free of obligated time structure, so I have full responsibility of my schedule. For the first time, I get to observe myself spending time throughout the entire day without anything to blame but me.

What have I found? I haven't made the changes I want to see with any amount of consistency.

What do I want? To spend my day time effectively and start respecting my sleep cycle.

How? Through self-corrected living application of course!

Why? Because fighting sleep usually means unpleasant mornings that can put  my whole day in a slump.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not need to sleep very much and thus can afford to postpone sleeping.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the connection between how/when I fall asleep and how/when I wake up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think "I'll sleep when I die."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am special because I can get by with less sleep than others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am cool and special because I can stay up the latest and rise the earliest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value the nighttime hours more than other daytime hours.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take ownership of and be responsible for how I spend my time in every moment, through blaming others for my daytime social preoccupation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself that I utilize the night hours best in being the most productive then, when the reality is that I am not always productive in the nighttime.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself by maintaining a routine of mental alertness and increased work ethic only at nighttime.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reserve only the nighttime for self-introspection and self-growth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it's too difficult to blog during the day because I am not forced to do it just yet. This is a subtle delay justification that I'm not very conscious of, but nonetheless, has a powerful effect. This one point of delay justification has been defining me too heavily and I will not continue to allow it to dictate how I do what when!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate my sleeping habits until now.

--

I commit myself to begin watching when/how I fall asleep and when/how my wake up commences.

When and as I see myself postponing my blog/work until nighttime because "I don't have to do it yet," I stop I breathe. I realize that I am compromising myself, my process, and so the entire process of the human race, in that one single moment of "I don't have to do it yet." I commit myself to assist and support myself to no longer utilize this excuse design of putting off work and abdicating self-responsibility in each and every moment.

When and as I see myself fighting with myself to stay awake longer, I stop I breathe. I realize that sleeping might be whats best for all, for providing myself adequate time to rest will allow me to be fully ready to walk an effective day tomorrow. I commit myself to embodying the realization of continuity between days and respecting the sleep cycle as an equal and one value of time spent. Till here no further do I hide the connection of my tomorrow from my today. No more do I allow myself to distract myself instead of going to bed.

From here forward, I will be mindful of my sleeping habits, and I commit myself to on the fly correction when and as I see myself abusing my nighttime.

picture credit

Day 299 - Doing one thing, Thinking about another

The concept of thinking about 'other' stuff when one is doing something else: it is a quandary. While enjoying the morning sunshine, I was thinking about this concept and amused by my meta-ness. I realized that this type of separation from the moment here is widespread and pervasive. I also made a connection to self-doubt: If I was confident that I can and would do all that I need to do when I'm doing it, I would have no impulse to figure out what to do in advance.

Elaborating with an example: Here I am. Thinking about the near future. Why? I don't trust my future self, I am uncomfortable with uncertainty, I am worried/anxious, and it can be a source of motivation for the initial movement from here.

These are the initial justifications that come up supporting separation. Lacking self-trust, relationship with uncertainty, anxious/worried, and practical motivation. It's interesting to look at it now and see all the different movements, whereas in the past when I've seen myself doing one thing and thinking another, I would just focus on that practical motivation justification and dismiss the investigation with "well I must think about what I'm doing next." I realize now that many of my wandering journeys into thought are brought into motion by deep seated personality dynamics that I've spent little to no time investigating. So if I don't want to be a particular personality that manifests from a subconscious layer, I must give myself the time to map that personality and discover the inner workings of it/me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide the totality of myself behind a single justification and not realize it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to emphasize and stop at the contemplative solution that makes sense and requires no further effort or self-change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that I can't give up my daydreaming.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I need to think about the future because if I do not, then I will do nothing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that I can accomplish what is already on my to do list, given that I have allowed myself enough time to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I do not trust myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am worried and anxious when I begin thinking about what I will do later on.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the uncertainty I have of myself, my direction in the future, and what that implies: abdication of self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need to know everything now.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to know and control my future now.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope I will do what I want to do, instead of realizing my responsibility to practically do that I want to do.

When and as I see myself justifying a personality or opinion that I have about myself, I stop I breathe. I realize that I may very well be missing something when I sense myself in fight/argument mode with myself. I commit myself to checking myself to see if I am emotionally invested in a contemplative solution, and if so, breathe and check myself again within self-honesty.

When and as I see myself thinking about what I have to do today from an anxious state of mind, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am here right now, and I will be able to appropriately direct myself within a task when the time comes. I commit myself to spending time with myself here in this moment, to face me in self-honesty.

When and as I see myself worried about my ability to accomplish the tasks of my future, I stop I breathe. I realize that to frantically try to walk all the steps of my future tasks in my head instead of enjoying my breakfast, for example, is a futile waste of energy. I commit myself to breathe myself back to the moment here, and take a practical stance to assess how I will need to structure my day / budget my time.

Each of these components will need to be minded. I commit myself to watching myself keenly when and as I see myself in thought in separation of the moment here. This is going to be an interesting sub-journey, as I've long thought it impossible to stop thinking / worrying about my immediate future. Challenge accepted. Game on. Come at me Mind! Show me what you're made of! :)

picture from here

Day 298 - Under the hood of Self Doubt

Continuing from: Day 297 - Doubting Myself

Yesterday was a little introduction to my self-doubt character. Today I want to add some depth, still maintaining the perspective that this personality is a huge umbrella of points that I must face.....I just wandered off into a cool thought of creating an info-graphic map of my mind. Perhaps when I get closer to Day 2555, I will build a visual based on this blog. Heck, I could get started now. Day dreaming aside...actually this relates. I've come to realize that these day dreams are one of the key components of self-doubt. How? Let me explain.

I was searching for some perspective on 'doubt' in the wiki and found this blob of self forgiveness (here, and scroll down a little) related to "Desire of being Special." From there I drew a little map of how I might connect my spaciness design to self-doubt. To verbally walk you through it: My self-belief that I am special, leads me to think I will be able to obtain 'easy wins' in life, then reality hits, and I go into conflict and uncertainty. From there fear of failure grapples me to the ground.

This little cycle is nice and neat! I'm happy to have drawn it out. There is still room to expand if need be, but for now I have plenty to work with. Altogether now, out loud:
;)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am special.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can get what I want more easily than others can because I am special or gifted in some way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to day dream about how I will achieve great feats.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my imagination so powerful that once I have an idea, all the hard work is irrelevant.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how important hard work is.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can just get others to do the hard work, once they are on board with my great/special vision.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to escape hard work my whole life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the idea that my thoughts are special and superior to others' thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing reality and diminishing the realness of imagined greatness in my head.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can beat reality if I am smart enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make others seem dumb, so I could preserve and strengthen the idea that I am smarter than others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value in the imagination of my ability, instead of realizing the actual value of practical application.

• In this I realize that by emotionally investing myself as the imagination version of myself that I've created the circumstances of uncertainty and self-doubt, for I am constantly reminded of the reality that is all around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly fight and suppress reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continually attempt to validate my own inner reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am wrong about who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I know who I am though imagining the best version of myself that I could, without considering who I am in the context of reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure because then my inner, imagined reality of myself would shatter, and I would be lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear rejection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value in how I think others perceive me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to construct the belief of who I am, based on how I think others perceive me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in self-judgement.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear failure.

--

When and as I see myself thinking about how great I will be in an imagined future, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am here, one and equal with the physical reality. I commit myself to start connecting my thoughts to reality by considering the practical steps that are required to achieve my vision. By doing this, I will have a grounded decision framework, instead of acting on an emotional whim whenever a 'brilliant idea' strikes.

When and as I see myself as inherently superior to others, I stop I breathe. I realize I am in for an uncomfortable, humiliating experience of myself within the domain of my ego. I commit myself to remember to breathe when in the company of others, and thus realize myself as and equal and one expression of life / chunk of physical.

When and as I see myself afraid to face reality, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have built an expectation, based on past memories. I commit myself to start looking more closely at the memories with which I construct expectations that I invest myself in, causing fear of it not happening how I imagined it / failure within a moment of reality.

Much still to go. Thanks for reading me.

photo credit

Day 297 - Doubting Myself

flickr

It's vicious habit. When watch myself spiral and go into a state of being that I had no desire to be in, I play victim without a clear target for blame. In this type of situation, I'm pretty sure that I know I am responsible for my behavior and mental state, but I suppress it and turn to a confused state. This confused state is also uncomfortable, so it gets suppressed too. At this point, I've buried all evidence of self-responsibility, including the irresolution. I am left with no other option than to carry on, and so make the choice to do so as effectively as I can - meaning focus on the next motivation, stay happy, stay intrigued, be cool.

This is a pretty intimate writing investigation. I've never really spent the time to see this pattern, this doubt character and all the mental processes that are within it. Though I may exist as this, even presently, I have the power to change. The Desteni group has played a pivotal part in my path of self-introspection. They say write, I resist. I resist for a little over two years. Damn. I can't even begin to wonder where I would be now if I was serious and proactive from the get go, but I don't because I'm here now.

Getting stuck in the past is the cause of self-doubt. I mean, why would I doubt myself without a preconceived idea of how I might fail, based in my past? I wouldn't. If I was just here, I'd have no reason to doubt me. I would only be able to express me, and herein lies a key: If I am not simply here, where, how and why am I hung up on my past?

Like a little child, I must keep asking "why" to get to the bottom of any personality formation. I realize that I'm not going to walk through and release all the dimensions of my self doubt character in clump. I've tried that in earlier posts. Even now I have this same feeling of clarity and insight into myself, that I react to by thinking/feeling that now I see everything and I'm ready to change RIGHT NOW. Such an ego moment. Flag point: "I see it all" / desire for self-change right now. Now, I understand I need to give myself the time to really walk each and every step.

Step 1 was start writing, check.
Step 2 could be different for everyone I suppose. I focused on getting comfortable with forgiving myself while holding my sights on this mysterious concept of self-honesty. The more I slow down and really consider each thought/energy/movement within me, the more I see where I can apply self-honesty. It's certainly a process. They call it the process of self, and it looks something like this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have everything sorted out within me as soon as I reveal to myself the tip of the ice berg of a single personality manifestation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to have it all sorted out before I start sorting it all out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delay my self-investigation because I fear failure / rejection / criticism because I have placed more weight on what others think of me than what I think of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish things would have played out differently, not realizing how this state of thinking is contributing to and creating myself here now and in the future. I am determining my future through my hang ups on the past. This has to stop. How? Be here. How? Breathe. Also, investigate the layers and patterns that I participate in given certain circumstances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my past reactions, and thus play victim of my residual/momentous past self instead of breathing and being here with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to fix my past self. *click* That's what I've been trying to do all along. I've been focused and frustrated trying to change the unchangeable self of the past.

I'm going to let this settle. Join tomorrow for added depth.

Day 296 - SHADOWGUNing my life away

Popular Android game - here

Ok, finally. Time to face this bullony. I am addicted to an addictive video game. I have wanted to write about it before but the thought of actually changing and letting this particular addiction go is rather frightening. Very similar to weed actually, so I know I can do it. I realize this is not just about the game. This is about who I am in relation to it. That is what needs to be examined and purified.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay responsibilities and hide that decision by immersing myself within this virtual world of killing virtual people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the extent to which I am driven to play this game because of my ego desire to win.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prioritize the feeling of winning before facing reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to win.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be emotionally moved by the excitement and opportunity of winning, as well as the frustration of losing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed, frustrated and driven to win whenever I lose a battle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to willingly immerse myself in a video game to not have to face/realize the importance of time and opportunity in the context of reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face this point because of shame/humility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I can't do it, because I don't want to give up something that feels so good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I can still indulge responsibly by considering my responsibilities in the context of my day/week.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself with whatever means necessary as not to have to face myself in this moment here.
--
When and as I see myself entering a distraction, I stop I breathe. I realize that if I continue along this path, I have made a choice of self-deception and thus prioritized and justified self-dishonesty. I commit myself to identifying and investigating these moments of distracting myself to determine where my value system is not in alignment with what is BEST for me and all.

When and as I see myself emotionally invested in the outcome of a video game, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am responsible for what I accept and allow. I commit myself to setting agreements with myself when I am participating in an indulgence so that I remain the authority of myself and not simply let my emotions determine the length of time that I indulge.

When and as I see myself possessed with an energy to win, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is who I am, and I commit myself to not suppressing who I am so that I may face myself in self-honesty.

When and as I see myself suppressing points because I am ashamed, I stop I breathe. I realize there are several dynamics at play here: I don't want people to see who I am ESPECIALLY if I fail in producing actual self-change. In a way this is a helpful reference point to keep me honest within my writing, but if I allow the fear to discourage me from walking the corrective actions, I go nowhere and potentially project blame. I commit myself to run at my problems, accentuate the shame, until even I cannot bear it, what ever it takes to realize that I am the creator and the created of who I think I am in the experience of myself.

When and as I see myself playing SHADOWGUN, I stop and take a self-honest breath. Is this really what I want to be doing? What is my justification? Valid? - meaning is this something that I have agreed with myself is okay to do? Will I not regret this? I realize that more often than not, I play video games to procrastinate responsibilities and in so doing, I compromise a lot of time to be doing things I would actually much rather be doing. I commit myself to walking through every delay design that I still subscribe to, so that I may stabilize within self-agreements and enjoy life to the fullest expression, and within this, assist and support others to also enjoy life to the fullest expression.


If you're new to this blog, and the process of self-forgiveness and corrective application. I congratulate you to making it to the bottom, for one :)  Secondly, check out the DIP Lite course and see if it's something that interests you. It's life changing stuff when you begin giving to yourself as you have wanted to receive all along. Enjoy.

Day 295 - Defining My Online Presence

STAMP

SIMPLE: "Make everything as simple as possible but no simpler." Albert Einstein
TRUE: Be true to your passion, with values and behavior in alignment
ACT: "Vision without execution is hallucination." Thomas Edison
MAP: Know how to get from where you are to where you want to be
PEOPLE: The greatest success is achieved in collaboration

Taken from a book review by Robert Morris

The book called Digital Leader: 5 Simple Keys to Success and Influence, was recommend from a student in my recent online Social Media class. The book has a chapter on each of these concepts, but I've only just read this review and chosen to expand on each key to better see my "digital self" from a leadership perspective. *After writing the bulk of the below text, I am considering the purchase of this book and think anyone who is slightly interested in digital leadership should too consider it!

1) Simple

• "Make everything as simple as possible..."
• This is a good point to keep in mind because very quickly my writing can become verbose. The nature of Self-Forgiveness and my journey to life is 'content heavy' to say the least. This should not be an excuse to blabber on during my blog posts.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear witting too little to be effective and within that not realize when I am writing more than I need to.
• I commit myself to the self-honest assessment of when I have written too little/too much based on my written words' effectiveness in supporting myself within self-realization.
• "...but no simpler."

2) True

• Be true to your passion, with values and behavior in alignment.
• Self-Honesty
• This is why I'm here.
• This is why I write, which is important to note because my motivation is mostly derived from purpose.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to show off and be cool because I found out about the 'solution of self-forgiveness,' instead of self-honestly moving myself through this process for myself alone.
• I commit myself to investigating wherever my values and behaviors are not in alignment with the knowledge and information I write about, so I may take the time to apply and live the self-correction.

3) Act

• "Vision without execution is hallucination."
• This is similar to the second key value. To distinguish the two, I would label this one to be the living application. This blog is my writing dimension, which is a biggy, but living the correction from the insights and realizations that I have while writing is equally important.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that I'm not just here to write.
• I commit myself to start systematically bringing realization through into living application.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that as long as I write, I can slack off during the rest of my day.
• I commit myself to facing the reality of my life as signified by how I choose to spend my time in each moment.
• I realize that vision without application is useless mind play.

4) Map

• Know how to get from where you are to where you want to be.
• I have the 'map' / the how to / the Desteni tools: Self-Forgiveness, Self-Writing, Breath and Common Sense (from here)
•  I do not know exactly what I will become in this journey to life as the living expression of what is best for all, but I do know that I will be here with me in every breath! What is there to fear?
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I do not know how to get where I want to be through a moment of forgetting my breath within a charged fear experience.
• I commit myself to be patient with myself as the breath, realizing that it's my mind that wants to move faster than my physical breathing, but it is the thought and desire that slow me down.
• I commit myself to practically applying my map to get to where I want to be.
• pure
• self-honest
• oneness and equality, self-realized

5)  People

• The greatest success is achieved in collaboration
• Also why I am here.
• My publicized JTL Blog also serves as a way to share my individual process. I write transparently, for you to see me, so that perhaps one day, you might join Desteni and begin seriously investigating your mind too! It's worth it. Brace for a Dan Malara original quote:
• "No one enjoys facing their fears, until they do."
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear sharing my process with all others.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear judgement.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making videos of myself.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let fear control and suppress my self-expression.
• I commit myself to walk my process and persist in removing the stifling fears that prevent me from sharing to my maximum potential
• I commit myself to sharing the perspective that each of us must stand up alone AND together in order to create a world that is literally the best place for all life.

Reflection: Long post, but I liked the break down. This is just a tiny portion of the homework I'll be conducting in order to become a leader in this global, digital community. For now, I commit myself to stabilize myself within self-leadership in my daily living. Starting with, SHADOWGUN...come see me tomorrow. Thanks for the support reader.

Day 294 - Becoming Efficient

There's an interesting dynamic going on within me. I have a perception that I and loaded with work to do, and then I perceive that for a moment it doesn't matter.

Procrastination.

The design of delay is what is going on here. I've been writing about this for a while now, so I'm going to make this short and sweet. The key factors to consider are 1) how I feel in a moment of resistance; 2) how I let that feeling guide me; 3) Perspective/Context dynamics

1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel powerless to the uncomfortable feeling of resistance when faced with work/application. I realize myself as the creator of this resistance energy-feeling. I commit myself to breathe until stable, instead of reacting to the feeling and thus validating/empowering its purpose/existence.

2) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to submit to the energy of resistance by reacting to it. I forgive myself for not realizing who I am within submitting to the resistance. When and as I see myself within a reaction to resistance, I breathe, I stop. "Is this who I am right now?" I ask myself. I commit myself to asking this question.

3) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the discontinuity in my perspective when I am driven to accomplish vs accepting and allowing delay. I forgive myself for allowing myself to subscribe/buy into the delay perspective - that it doesn't matter and I can do work later, not understanding the gravity of consequence within this perspective.


I see and realize my obligation to direct myself in every moment. Even if I am going to relax and take a break, I must direct that without suppressing that feeling of pending responsibilities. When I allow my mind as feelings and emotions and justifications to guide me away from self-direction, I am making a statement that I am weaker than my own mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as weaker than my mind, not realizing my oneness and equality with it and the mild to intense energetic experiences it/I produce.

Plan the hour in context of the day. Plan the day in context of the week/month. Realize the continuity. If not now, when? Do work.

Day 293 - Externally Induced Distractions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my inner drive to be productive.

cc flickr

Through back to back distractions, I have robbed myself of this whole day. At times, I would blame others when they wanted to share time watching a movie or a television show, but interestingly, as soon as I had my full volitional control back, I would continue to participate in distractions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate as is, in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of externally induced distractions to project blame and hide my self-responsibility to come to a living agreement within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk my day unplanned.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the moments of choice when I turn away from my work and responsibilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to work hard.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame.

See, the point of all this forgiveness is to really just say sorry to myself, acknowledge what I've been accepting and allowing, take responsibility to change that relationship/point within my beingness, and live self-direction, live self-will, live my intention to life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the point of self-responsibility for myself in EVERY moment, where even when I decide to take the less responsible way, TO NOT HIDE IT from myself or PRETEND that it's nothing, or that it's "OKAY" to just stay focused on the distraction.

--

When and as I see myself distracting myself from being self-honest while participating in a distraction, I stop I breathe. I realize that this breath is a new moment where I face myself and choose how and what I accept and allow. I commit myself to realizing the power of breath as a moment of choice between self-honesty and self-dishonesty.

I commit myself to investigating my attachments to whatever consistently yields a choice-relationship of compromising my self-honesty.

When and as I see myself projecting blame within frustration, I stop I breathe. I realize I am within an ego design of abdicating my responsibility to myself. I commit myself to realizing that I am actually frustrated with myself and within this realization, move myself into acting responsibility for myself in the current situation.

I commit myself to bringing blame back to self and living self-honesty as best I can, progressively.

I commit myself to realizing my responsibility to my self and all in creating a world that is best for all.

Shout out for ELF!!
Contributing to the solution is to become the living solution.

Day 292 - Living Best For All

Continuing with the theme of these recent posts:
Day 288 - Best For All Support
Day 289 - Anxious to Change the World

There is this feeling that I identified today that has been looming. I've written a little about it and now I have reached enough understanding to express myself in words. It's a shameful realization, but that's great because the SF releases my once buried program that has had a detrimental effect in my interpersonal interactions.

Here's a direct transcription of what I've hand written earlier today:

My drive to share the Desteni Message is tainted. It is logically justified through "Best for All," and is not purely an expression of what is best for all.

What comes up?

• Shame 
• Failure
• Fake
• Success through persistence w/ SF 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a failure & a fake through my initial attempts to adapt/orient to the message of what's best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste time within self-pity. 

-- expanding now --

I understand that I've been basically mad at myself for not applying/living the best for all principle. I've taken a long path of projecting this and then trying to get others to understand the merit here, before I personally embody and bring this principle to life within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project a lack of understanding of what it is to live in alignment with what is best for all, and to within this establish myself within a superior teaching position based on knowledge and information of the principle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that I know what is best for all through a limited knowledge construct that I've established after a few years of reading. Silly.

I commit myself to being patient with myself in this journey to life in becoming a living expression of what is best for all.

When and as I see myself teaching or wanting to teach others about the best for all principle, I stop I breathe. I realize that my ego has gotten the best of me for most of my reactive life. I commit myself to continue educating myself on when and where I am living within the limitations of mind as reactions that serve my ego, until it is done.

Until it is done, I breathe, and I continue my self-investigation. This is my right to life. Through educating myself first, I commit myself to support others when and as I am able.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure in supporting others. I stop I breathe. I can really only speak to what I know as my personal experience. Live here, and all will be clear :)

The Equal Life Foundation support all in equality and oneness. It's a group worthy of your 'Like.'
First step's first. Educate oneself. Breath in: I commit myself to educate myself within every personally relevant pursuit in alignment of whats best for all.

Desteni Art

Day 291 - Back into Familiarity

This is kind of a frightening topic. All the better to blog about it!

So far, I've noted a few feelings that really bogged me down. I want to blame it on the weather being much warmer, but I recognized my ability to stand up and shake of the lethargy. I wasn't very successful, but I did at least get a mediocre amount of work done and spent some quality time with the family on Mother's Day. Overall, I experienced myself within that polarity experience (see Day 287 - Re-Inspired by Social Media Professionals) of driven excitement - lethargic resistance.

So, here's a cool point of discovery for me to take on: Identify the moments of which my environment affects my will power / work ethic / drive for success. The first one's to mind are when I wake up and the temperature. I'll get more specific with those in posts to come. To hone in on all the familiar triggers that I utilize to remain in a stagnate energy experience of myself, that's a new priority of exploration. I must establish a new familiarity within the stillness of my beingness as a stable breath into self-direction.

cc

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become bogged down with a feeling of lethargy of which I submit to and become a hopeless victim of when and as there is a trigger for it. I realize that I need to explore the lethargy triggers in depth, and I commit myself to breaking down this character design sometime in the future. (haha, apparently this character is active right now)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel required to have external motivation for when I am productive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel out of control when I react to familiar situations in familiar ways.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have no response ability for myself. I realize this desire as a key contributor in justifying my laziness and hopeless victim relationship to my mind and the 'lazy' feelings I produce. I commit myself to begin taking responsibility for my created experience of myself and thus within this, the responsibility to create myself within alignment of what is best.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it is ok that I fall back into the same habits and patterns because I can simply blame my environment for not being self-directed / self-motivated.

When and as I see myself blaming my environment for who I am in a moment, be it temperature, people, or any form of resistance, I stop I breathe. I realize this is just my attempt to not take responsibility for myself. I commit myself to really stop and work with the moments that cause a time-loop of victimization relationship to my mind.

When and as I see myself feeling stuck in familiar modes of existence, I stop I breathe. I realize each breath as a new opportunity to decide who I am in that moment. I commit myself to live here.

This is going to be worth it. Take your time kicking it into gear. Do not slack here!

Day 290 - Departure Feelings

Anytime I am leaving a familiar home-zone there is this feeling that I need to do everything and see everyone and have the perfect 'happy ending.' Similarly, there is an excitement to do it all and meet new people when I arrive at a new living situation. This is an interesting point to walk because there are only so many times when these emotions come up, and I've never really thought about the departure feelings/thoughts before; I usually just lived in/as them.

Ok, so what's going on here? Fear of loss, primarily...yep, that's about it. I'll expand: I come to a new place with excitement for the experiences and memories to be created, and when I leave, there is a strong undertone of "I will no longer be able to have these experiences anymore." Ohh CHANGE! Why are you so cruel? haha

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel an ache of need to see it all and do it all before I depart as a final goodbye to capstone all of my experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be recognized and validated, seeing my departure as this critical moment of receiving positive judgement from the friends I've created enjoyable experiences with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to a living environment and developing an attachment to particular places and people that validate who I think I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing a set of experiences that are in fact memories.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing the ability to recreate location/person specific memories.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire past memories. Bang! There are so many positive feelings associated with past memories. They move and motivate me to recreate. Stuck in a groove of chasing what I already have come to know as positive experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to chase after my past because I KNOW that I have been happy within those memories AND I fear the unknown.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown, as I will not have control over how I will experience myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will not have control over the experience of myself if I haven't yet already lived similar past experience(s).
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When and as I see myself getting all nostalgic and sad to leave, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am able to enjoy myself in this moment within and as it all, one and equal. I commit myself to understanding how I've removed myself from reality through going into mind and feelings of how much I will miss it all.

 When and as I see myself wanting to "see everyone, one last time," I stop, breathe, and realize that this desire comes from a need to define myself on my past experiences with others. That last moment of interaction with another is usually one of the highlighted memories. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be special in the eyes of others in my memories so I can think back to how great I am. I commit myself to stop and breathe when I see myself utilizing my final memories with someone to define who I am now.

When and as I see myself afraid to let go of a living situation, I stop I breathe. I realize that I create myself in a new context in every new situation, and in every new breath. I commit myself to move with my breath, into the future, unhindered by fear/anxiety of what may come.

When and as I see myself wanting to control my future experience of myself by comparing it to my past experiences, I stop I breathe. I realize that I create myself here, within every breath. I commit myself to bring myself back to the moment that is here when and as I seem myself anxious about the unknown set of experiences to come. Here I am. Here I breathe. Here I move. Here I stabilize.