Day 440 - Oops I Stopped Righting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to store and accumulate thoughts, pending direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to walk my process privately AND justify not posting to blogger AND not write privately.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand the connection of consequence to my choice to not physicallize myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk my process for others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on others to pull me through.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself fear that I am not able to stand up in the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to elaborate on this thought, giving color and breadth to the idea of my rejection/failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to orient my expression toward achieving desired reactions, rather than simply sharing me, my writing, my expression of righting.

I commit myself to continue dredging up all that I have suppressed, in words, for your eyes and/or mine, to walk acceptance of who and what I have become, to walk forgiveness, to right myself.

I commit myself to write privately if and when I must, and no longer accept or allow myself to use this as an excuse to avoid self-investigative/self-corrective writing altogether.

I commit myself to spend 20 minutes a day - writing.

Day 439 - Writer's Constipation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in any and/or all of my excuses for why I am too busy to write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to prioritize my actions with a more fully integrated perspective - cross referencing the bigger picture in real time, so as not to get wrapped up in the emotional moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get lost in my thoughts on a trail of blame and then move on without acknowledging how I directed that moment in myself and so my external.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand I am = how I choose to respond to the various equations that come up in life.

In realizing my choice is me, allowing a reaction of mind to direct my expression, is a choice! If I am only at best aware of my reactions, I will die in and as the mind consciousness system. I am and only will be of mind - unless, I apply myself diligently with the tools: writing, (sounding) self-forgiveness, correction practice: Live process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget to live process in every moment.

I commit myself back to daily writing. (Dan, keep yourself in check; no one's going to do this for ya!)

I commit myself to practice shutting down the thought-replay backchats in my mind more quickly, moving into breath upon awareness, no longer allowing my desire for experience to justify my participation in the mind.

I commit myself to use proper time management techniques, so that I'm effectively attending to an increasing load of responsibilities.

I commit myself to get a little more stern with myself when my justifications for not making time for writing a blog post come up. I stop, I breathe. I organize my time effectively so this priority, writing, happens.

When and as I see myself slipping into blogless days, I commit myself to debunking the justification as soon as possible, and getting back to it. This process means too much, and as one of few who understands this, I have push myself to birth myself in the physical....if you know what I mean.

I still want to hide. Because I'm not fully integrated here. I'm not standing. I'm not the leading example I know I can be. WHY? Let go. Let it all go. That's why. I am holding on to the past.

- - TO BE CONTINUED - -

Day 438 - Voicing Me

Speaking in an intricate act. Formulation of words to build concepts and understanding is a miraculous feat. Sharing understanding with others is one of the most precious gifts of humanity. I write this blog to share some of the information processing that goes on behind the scenes of me. I have a duty to place myself in words. This is my chief aim. It would seem absurd to continue allowing inFEARiority, in all it's forms, to suppress one of the greatest gifts I can give to all.

I commit myself to stand up within myself to share my understandings to the best of my ability in every interaction, while remaining a humble learner, equal and one with everyone.

I commit myself to contributing my vantage point whenever it can effectively support what is best for all.

Here, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to debase myself with self-diminishing thoughts like "I'm not smart enough to speak in this group of people" or "I have nothing of worth to share" or "I don't want to be ridiculed for my choice of words," as who I am is expressed in my words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself as my words, in fear that by expressing myself, I open myself up to attack.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that no matter what anyone says about me or my words, I am not harmed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being publicly ostracized, for this means my chances of survival are compromised - or that my chances of being liked by the girl are lost.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear loss, when and as I express myself, and so have chosen to rather suppress myself, and through this create the exact loss (of opportunity, of potential) that I feared.

I commit myself to express myself despite fear, put myself out there, and risk it all.

I commit myself to embrace risk, cast off fear, as I stand and express myself within principle.

I commit myself to share myself with the world, and stop this self-diminishing mind program that I've built and participated in since early childhood. Till here, no further.

I commit myself to investigate and release myself from any related systems of self-doubt, when and as they arrive in my conscious mind.

I have one life to live, and time waits for no one. Let's get it done.

Day 437 - Who am I?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live out insecurity, instead of investigating myself with the tools to allow my Life essence to come through, moving into and within Real Self-Confidence.

This is self-forgiveness statement from my personal writings today really stood out for me. It kind of captures this aspect of growing up, becoming a man, and leading my life with a sense of authority within myself. Fearlessness in my decisions to speak or move myself. The insecurity programming that I've been allowing within me, has me often taking the back seat in my life. I've been letting my outside world determine where I go, what I say and do. It's like I'm living for forces outside of myself, not giving myself any respect or worth or say in how I want to live. How do I want to live? Safely? Free from negative judgments from others? I'm sick of not knowing myself? Who am I?

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not know who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe all I am is a shell of a man, a set of personalities that activate in relation to my environment to achieve self-interested ends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge who I am and believe that is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build layers of self-protection upon layers of self-protection, within incredible fear, fear of being exposed, and to have lost touch with myself, not realizing that I am also the very fear that I've created as the layers of ego and characterized personality programs to hide myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT accept all of me that is here, within and without. I realize my equality of self inside and outside, and thus commit myself to acknowledging my inherent responsibility in creating my experience of and in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate WHO I AM from others, from politics, from all that is here manifested in this world - not realizing within this vantage point of separation, I am creating myself into the mind consciousness system, defining my individual ego standing in relation to everything else, limiting myself, my expression and my capacity to create significant change in the world.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to direct my insecurities and character flaws through a process of detailed self-investigation and self-forgiveness, so that I can own them, see me clearly, and create a correction plan.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my insecurities, suppress them, act like everything is cool, and think that I'm winning.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to embrace all of me, the good and the bad, and WORK to change myself and become better, to the best of my ability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear acknowledging my faults, and believe that they are real only through recognition, and so create an adverse relationship to self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I've become, not want to face it, and effectively bar myself from reaching my potential because I'm not even honest with myself about where I'm at.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a day dreamer, judging myself by the potential I see I could become, and reject the reality of who I am today.

--

When and as I see that I am feeling low self-esteem, I stop, I breathe. I realize that all of me is here, and from within and as my breath, I can accept where I'm at, and work with releasing the layers of self-deception that I've constructed myself to believe I am. I commit myself to transmute any energy of feeling low or down about myself and where I'm at in life, into a resounding resolve to walk the Desteni process: identify my responsibility for what is here as me, forgive/let go, and move forward in creating myself with clear starting point and direction.

When and as I see myself believing this process is too hard, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am who I am in what I create in EVERY moment of thought, word and deed. I commit myself to apply breath when the going gets tough, to assist and support with orienting myself to creating the best version of myself.

When and as I see myself trying to escape the reality of who I am by orienting to creating positive feelings, I stop, I breathe. I realize that temporarily suppressing my dark moments of the soul is an action of me robbing me from a great opportunity to understand and transcend a significant layer of my self programming. I commit myself to the full realization that suppression is NOT the best way forward, and to move into the honesty of what is here as me, no matter how ugly/miserable it may be, so that I may put a real stop to it and end the cycle of self-abuse, one system at a time.

Day 436 - Breath Prayer: Introduction & Report 1

What is a Breath Prayer?

It's a moment of focused awareness on breathing. Sitting or lying down comfortably, take a minimum of 5 minutes to focus on the body mechanics of breathing: in and out. When and as thoughts creep up, stop them, and return awareness to breathing in and out.

What is the purpose?

To get acquainted with the physical body. This task can prove to be difficult as we are constantly living in our minds, day in and day out. Giving this moment to ourselves helps strengthen our connection to our body, while also giving our body a moment's rest from the mind consciousness system.

Why is it significant?

This practice is helps strengthen our focus and self-directive willpower, in and as the physical. We are so often in our mind, choosing our actions from within a constant barrage of thoughts, that slowing ourselves down, into the pace of the physical, is a sincere challenge, especially at first. Beginning to realign our starting point of consideration into the physical, as our body, is a tremendous gift to self and all. It's a path toward living common sense, for real. Toward considering what is best for self, and all, and then acting on it. A stable body, aligned within physical reality, would not incite war through anger, as anger is a product of mind. Practicing breath prayer for a minimum of 5 minutes a day is an act of showing ourselves and that we do not have to continue accepting and allowing the mind to direct us. Our physical is more powerful in fact. Get to know the power of a single breath, and stop stressing out.

My experience after 3 weeks of practice:

In the beginning, I did find it very challenging to not entertain the thoughts that came up. I would experience some of the thoughts as more important/pressing, so I'd allow myself to get distracted by them. Several times I ended up doing 20+ minute sessions of this exercise because I'd get frustrated and feel like I had to start over (perfectionism).

I did this exercise an average of about 5 days a week thus far. My goal was 5-7 times a week. Remembering to actually do this exercise is a deliberate decision. The more I understand the significance and purpose (I'm sure I've only scratched the surface above) the easier it is to make the choice to slow down and make the time for this exercise. It seems that sparing 5 minutes should be easy, but I'm very used to rushing around in my day/life/mind. Breaking that momentum is as simple as a decision.

I've noticed that the effects of doing this permeate the rest of the day. The pace of my consciousness seems slower, and I think this supporting me to make better decisions all day long. I know that the more I play with this, the more gifts with be unveiled.

Since starting, I have found it becoming easier to focus on the in-breath and the out-breath. When the thoughts arise, I simply move back into directing my breath flow. I am my body. I've also noticed that I can make it harder or easier for myself BY CHOICE. If I'm not willing to commit to the 5 minutes (because I have so many other things going on to think about), then I can almost be sure that I won't make it.

This practice requires focus and dedication, and rewards us in kind. I encourage all to try this. Or if you have already, I dare you to do it for 21 days straight.

...I'll take that dare myself! Thank you very much. Report 2 due on November 26th.

Day 435 - A Fresh Start

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cling to the past, find comfort and security in what is known, and so fear the creative self-movement in the here and now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT trust myself to direct my creative capacity within the sea of potential that exists in each moment here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT embrace the potentials in each moment, and so give in to fear and limitations of comfort.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to embrace each new day as a fresh start, a blank canvas for creation.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself see, realize and understand the potential to start fresh in each moment, in every breath - to within this access my highest living potential and direct myself specifically in each moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that this is too tall a task, and so give into the mind, allowing the my past programming to be the authority within my self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to succumb to the mind, and repeat patterns of self-abuse because I have been too afraid to embrace the creative potential of a fresh start.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be good enough when and as I take creative authority as the directive principle of life.

--

When and as I see myself fearing the potential saturated moment here, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I can slow my mind down within the breath, and give myself more time to discover my optimal self-direction in any given moment. I commit myself to remain slow, giving, forgiving, and always willing to substantiate the best for all potential within a fresh start.

When and as I see myself in repeating patterns, substantiating the patterns of the past, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can broaden my perspective and consider more supportive ways. I commit myself to really giving my best effort to choose and direct myself to support what is best for all life here.

When and as I see my personal, inner-baggage interfering with my self-directive capacity to substantiate best for all movement, I stop, I breathe. I realize that even with walking my process at maximum resolve, in every breath, I still have a long way to go. I commit myself to constantly reassessing myself, my actions and my choices to cross reference them with the best for all simulations, so that I do not misstep for any extended periods of time.

When and as I see myself holding onto the past, I stop, I breathe. I realize the power and significance of orienting to 'here forward.' I commit myself to create me anew, until my living is purely aligned with the expression of what is best for all.

I commit myself to stop fearing my potential. I commit myself to embrace my potential. I commit myself to stop sabotaging my process. I commit myself to clearing my head for a fresh start, when and as needed. I commit myself to walk what is here, and create a world that is best for all.

Day 434 - Take Care

The simple task of taking care of oneself is so often overlooked. It's like we're so busy in our lives and in our minds that we don't slow down enough to consider taking good care of our own body. The priorities get all shifted around. Sleep?..nah, rather hang out with friends or watch television. Exercise?...tomorrow. Proper diet and nutrient intake?...I don't even know where to begin.

Sleep, diet and exercise. The magical trinity of physical health and resilience. Let us all take a moment to reflect on our current relationship to these three human modalities...



Ok.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to devalue sleep/rest because I've gotten away with minimal sleep in the past. Here, I see, realize and understand that I'm unnecessarily placing myself into a survival mode in dragging myself through long days when I do not sleep very much. I commit myself to creating a regular sleeping pattern for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to under prioritize getting all of my dietary needs because I've gotten away with eating poorly in the past. Here, I see, realize and understand that I'm setting my older self up for a rather unfavorable situation, while my daily self is subtly compromised as indicated by my energy levels, moods, ability to fight off germs, et cetera. I commit myself to learning what it takes to eat a balanced diet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only exercise irregularly because that seemed to always just work out fine. Here, I see, realize and understand that I was initially required to do sports by my parents, and that most of my physical activity has simply been a byproduct of how I like to have fun. I commit myself to establishing a regular exercise regimen for myself, all things considered.

Taking care of myself can be so much more enjoyable if I'm not just doing the bare minimum to survive. I challenge you to take on one or more of these areas of your life and make just a small change for the better. Care is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves and each other. I commit myself to thoroughly redefining care in my daily self-support, and gradually expanding my living application of care interpersonally, and eventually, globally.

Day 433 - Communication: Opening up

I'm finding it difficult to open up and share myself more deeply, and I think that's because I've got a lot of nasty thoughts moving around in the deeper dimensions of my mind. "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say it at all," I hear my mother demanding. To purify this: If I don't have something nice to say, go write it out and take the points back to myself within the process of initiating self-correction, so that I may embody the solution and live as the example of how I'd like to see everyone else living, regardless of if anyone else does or not!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear opening up and sharing myself because I want to hide the nasty thoughts I have about others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear opening up and sharing myself because this makes me vulnerable and weak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT open up because I fear being attacked, and not recognize the opportunity to embrace potential attack, as this could help me shed more layers of ego and specify my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ridiculed, rejected, disparaged because I want to be the very best, like no one ever was.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to explore vulnerability within communication, while actively realizing my ego's propensity to take the reactions of others personally, and expressing myself anyway.

I commit myself to push myself further exploring these two dimensions of communication withholding patterns that opened up here: hiding my secret mind nastiness & vulnerability/ego issues.

When and as I see that I am withholding my communication because what I have to say is not nice to say, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I do need this practical "guard" over my mouth so as not to offend others and make matters worse. I commit myself to investigate myself, in writing on my own time, regarding the specific point of nastiness that I wanted to speak, so that I may purify myself within the point and clarify my expression to support what is best for all...instead of just spewing my mind.

When and as I see myself stopping from speaking because I fear others with react with mild to severe disagreement, I stop, I breathe. I realize that fearing the responses from others because of my inclination to take it personally is drastically limiting myself and my potential contribution in expressing myself with others. So, I commit myself to push through these moments, and embrace the reactions of others, learn from them, embrace myself, and know that I will live to see another day and continue to specify my expression to be more agreeable.

I commit myself to releasing this layer of ego protection (from ridicule, rejection, disagreement) in part by embracing this journey to life, sourcing my strength from life and clarity rather than from relative ego standing; and in part by ending my participation in dishing out ridicule, rejection, and hasty, ill-considered disagreement.

I commit myself to opening myself up within communication by practicing with my partner, and by releasing my secret mind backchat in private writing, to purify the point I want to communicate about before vocally expressing it.

Opening up is cool. Let's all shed our layers and get real here!

Day 432 - Strengthening Weakness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as weak, and so try to hide the weakness that I see in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as weak, and get caught up in the energetic experience of guilt and shame, and try to suppress it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that if I am seen as weak by others, then I must be weak, and so take take extra precaution to not let others see my weakness.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to embrace the exposure of my weaknesses with humility, strength, courage and resolve to take on the challenge of strengthening each specific weakness I identify within me.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the strength and courage it takes to be honest with myself about my weaknesses.

--

When and as I see myself hiding from my weakness, or trying to hide my weakness from others, I stop, I breathe. I realize that suppressing awareness of weaknesses in such a way, is a grave weakness in character. I commit myself humble myself and own my weaknesses. I commit myself to transforming weaknesses into strengths, through careful self investigation.

When and as I see myself fearing judgment from others because I don't want to be identified in any particularly negative manner, I stop, I breathe. I realize that such a fear would not exist in me if the self-judgment was not already present within me. I commit myself to face my inadequacies, own them, and direct myself into acceptance or a self-correction process.

When and as I see myself feeling shameful about a character flaw or weakness in me, I stop, I breathe. I recognize this flag-point with gratitude, for shame is the secret to self-realization. I commit myself to embrace shame, and utilize it to walk substantial self change.

I commit myself to embrace weakness, vulnerability and strength.

I commit myself to develop my living potential, in facing all that I have become.

I commit myself to be stronger everyday.

Day 431 - Unfinished Projects

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel burdened by the unfinished projects I have ongoing in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT finish projects.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate until the project gets lost in time, as a way of avoiding my creative responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand all of the mind mechanisms going on under the surface when and as I am avoiding responsibility through procrastination.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear judgment of my creation, and through that, choose not to complete a project.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be irresponsible because of an egocentric fear of judgment, imperfection, and failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always seek an easier route, and so create a negative relationship toward responsibility, hard work, and creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowed myself to live within my excuses for why I am not getting things done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself with media and friends, so I do not have to even face the reality of my creation of unfinished projects.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire for my unfinished work to just fade away, and feel a minor sense of relief when new work comes my way, so I can shift my focus away from the unfinished work, to temporarily avoid feeling the guilt that comes with being self-dishonest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for not completing an assignment or project, and then try to hide that guilt, as if that was a legitimate solution to irresponsibility.

--

When and as I see myself feeling burdened by all of the unfinished work I have to do, I stop, I breathe. I realize that the only way through this pile of work, is to work it. Avoidance is NOT a real solution and only delays self-honesty for a moment. I commit myself to finish my work, one project at a time.

When and as I see myself fearing that I will be judged by my work, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am going to be judged by my work, as I stand equal and one with what I create. With that said, I commit myself to live courage and strength to complete work that I can stand by for all time.

When and as I see myself dodging responsibility through my typical avoidance patterns, I stop, I breathe. I realize that going down this road is totally my self-saboteur programming, and thus is not what I want to be living. I commit myself to write down a plan of accomplishment for the day, instead of allowing my mind to direct my movement in these moments.

When and as I see myself seeking for the easiest way, I stop, I breathe. I realize that there is a fundamental difference between working smart and efficiently, verses trying to figure out the way in which I can apply the least amount of effort to complete a project. I commit myself to applying my smarts AND hard work, to excel, rather than settle for mediocrity.

When and as I see the opportunity to take on a worthwhile project, and I decide to do it, I commit myself to seriously walk the steps with completion in mind. I commit myself to giving it my all, a real, self-honest effort to complete what I set out to accomplish. To play in this world, I've got to make it count, and until the goal is met, no score goes on the board.

The principle of accumulation doesn't apply if my walk is 0+0+0...

I commit myself to walking the 1+1...until it is done.

Day 430 - Relax, create

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uptight within having to control myself and what I create.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to trust myself within my breath when I initiate creative processes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself in quantum moments, creating anxiety and fear before I move myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear creating unintentional consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move from a starting point of fearing the worst, and so decide to not move at all, or be rigid and awkward in my self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to fully redefine my living expression of CALM, so that I can access it readily, and choose to create from this starting point.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to just breathe and be here.

--

When and as I see myself uptight, I stop, I breathe.

I realize that I do not like this tension that I create in my body.

I commit myself to start trusting my body more and using it to cross reference when I am calm/uptight.

When and as I see myself trying to create something, I stop, I breathe.

I realize that creating from the starting point of breath is optimal.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to create from within energy.

When and as I see myself creating from within energy, I stop, I breathe.

I realize that I have many layers of energetic preprogramming from which I create in my world.

I commit myself to take it one at a time, in writing, so that I may eventually only create from within a breath.

When and as I see myself getting stiff before going into self-expression in creation, I stop, I breathe.

I realize that I'm having a quantum mind/physical system come up, most likely under the umbrella of self-judgment.

I commit myself to really slowing my mind and self down, to debug the quantum programming and release it through sounding forgiveness.

When and as I see myself fearing unintentional consequences, I stop, I breathe.

I realize that mistakes happen, and I will, sometimes, have to learn as I go.

I commit myself to embrace the unintended consequences, and learn from them.

When and as I see myself fearing the worst, I stop I breathe.

I realize that fearing the worst is one of the best ways to manifest it.

I commit myself to clear my head in a breath, drop the fear, and think practically about my self-movement.

When and as I see myself within an opened process point that would benefit me greatly to finish, namely, redefining CALM, I stop, I breathe.

I realize that I tend to react to unfinished projects with self-diminishment, and believing that I will never get it done.

I commit myself to write my next blog post about unfinished projects, and really open that up.

I commit myself to breathe, consciously, more and more each day.

I commit myself to bringing my breath into awareness more and more, each day.

I commit myself to breathe, relax into my breath, and trust that I will effectively create the change I want to see.

Day 429 - Fear of My Programming

As life's goes on, I too must move, for I am life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my programming is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not release my programming fast enough or in time with life's process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and as the mind, and fear the consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to circumvent consequence, instead of prevent consequence through self-correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see, realize and understand the inevitable connection between consequential behavior and the consequences that manifest later down the line.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the consequential outflow of my thought, word and deed from earlier in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear creating more consequence in the present moment, and NOT see, realize and understand how through fear I separate myself from my breath and directing myself within common sense in each here moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fear relationship to consequence, and through it, try to find ways out of it, instead of realizing, accepting and allowing it to manifest, and within this, embrace it, learn from it, and apply self-corrective application to prevent more of the same kind from being created.

--

When and as I see myself desiring to get out of paying for the consequences of my past participation, I stop, I breathe. I realize this universal law of cause and reaction can just as easily work for me, as it can against me.  I commit myself to accepting the consequences of my actions, favorable or not. And in realizing my responsibility within this, I commit myself to stop believing that I can circumvent the consequences of my creation.

When and as I see myself fearing that I will create negative consequence, I stop, I breathe. I remember my common sense consideration of all that is here, and I direct myself to express creation of positive consequence in the context of what is best for all. I commit myself to remember to breathe when anxiety comes up in relation to fearing messing something up and creating negative consequence.

When and as I see myself fearing the inevitable consequential outflow of my past participation in thought, word and deed, I stop, I breathe. I realize that the mistakes of my past will be the source of some of my greatest life lessons. I commit myself to embrace the manifested consequence in my life and learn as much as I can in facing myself this way.

When and as I see myself fearing that I am too much in the programming of my mind to move within and as life, I stop, I breathe. I realize this fundamental separation from the life in me, is literally killing me. I commit myself to recognizing myself in my breath, completely dropping the fear, and directing myself to (a) write out the programming that was coming up in that specific moment, and/or (b) move within self-authority, as life principle, to create best for all consequences.

Day 428 - Unconditionally Walking Process Support

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only support myself conditionally in process - based on the preferences of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get sleepy when I sit at my computer to work on my DIP course material, and not recognizing this as the veil of resistance it is, and believing that I don't have enough energy to get through it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need more energy to move through resistance, instead of realizing the strength I have within a single breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer to walk process only when it's easy and convenient to do so.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the support I receive as inadequate or irrelevant, and so do not slow down to consider what I can learn from anything and everyone in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be arrogant in my process, believing that I do not need to be supported.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I'm so far ahead in process that I don't even need to support myself! Wow.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to clarify how to walk humbly and express myself within humility.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to correct my process-arrogance in real-time, by shifting into the expression of a humble learner, in all cases.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see, realize and understand the consequences of believing that I rarely need to support my process because I believe I can rest easy because I've made the right decisions to get me to where I am now, as if the hard work = the decision to walk process and that's already behind me, not seeing, realizing or understanding that the decision to walk process is here to be made, unconditionally and in every moment.

--

When and as I see myself feeling like I don't need to or don't want to walk my process support, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am here to walk process support in all ways, always. This is my decision. I commit myself to make this decision, a living decision to apply myself, within and as my breath.

When and as I see myself beyond or above any potentially supportive information, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I can learn or specify my process regardless of what I have walked thus far. I commit myself to be patient and thorough as I move through information.

When and as I see myself believing that I am so far in process, I stop, I breathe. I realize that all are here in one process, walking equally, and that while I continue to work and specify my knowledge and application thereof, I only become more effective in my process support. I commit myself to STOP comparing my process to any other individual's process, as there is only one process here.

When and as I see myself believing that I already know what a word like humble means, I stop, I breathe. I realize that just knowing the word is far different from living a word. I commit myself to redefine humility and play with it in my expression until I am satisfied with my living application of this word.

When and as I see myself thinking that I don't need to listen to this or that eqafe interview, I stop, I breathe. I realize that the information coming through the portal is always relevant to me and my process, as the beings coming through are sharing themselves to support us to specify information in many ways, so that we can in turn walk our process more effectively and support what is best for all. I commit myself to listen to the eqafe recordings that come out regardless of the title and description and stop allowing my conscious judgement of personal relevance to get in the way.

When and as I see myself getting sleepy when facing myself in my process, either through sitting to write a blog or download an interview or walk my DIP material, I stop, I breathe. I realize that this energy of resistance can be deleted in a single breath with a simple decision. I commit myself to move myself into that breath and decision, and to not allow resistance energy to prolong my process through the mind. There's many many layers to get through, and I don't have time to sleep more than is required.

Day 427 - Dan Re-Stand

It's been almost 7 years since I started investigating Desteni. It's been just over 4 years since I started my blog and begun walking the Desteni "I" Process. Today, I shaved my head (even closer to the skin than in Day 1!) to restate my standing and participation in process.

Within the Declaration of Principled Living, I provided myself with the framework of what it means to walk process. Over the years, I've lost sight of my process, and in the small, I simply haven't actively been working through the layers of my programming each day.

Shedding yet another layer of ego, I'm here to clear my head, humble myself and recommit to walking the Desteni tools daily - writing, sounding self-forgiveness, and real-time change.

I've been hiding from facing myself, and accepting and allowing that. I've investigated myself conditionally, too reluctant to let go of self-diminishing personality patterns, within which I take sickening comfort. While I haven't yet nailed down every dimension of this extensive programming, what I clearly know is my capacity and willingness to see this process through, regardless of life throws at me.

A simple mission of identifying the destructive separation and fear I operate within, being self-honest, and correcting myself to align within the interests of what is best for all...how hard can it be? Well, I found out the hard way, how hard this is, and I'm not going to let that discourage me. I accept this challenge with all of my being.

I commit myself to specifying my Declaration of Principled Living and substantiating it with physically aligned action.

I am here as sound to create a new tune for planet earth. I stand to support myself and others in this journey to life. I will no longer casually compromise my daily process walking. This is my life, my time to shine. Here I am, walking, discovering my oneness and equality.

Thank you for walking with.

Day 426 - Fear of Change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want things to stay comfortable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can remain within my comfort zone indefinitely.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being hurt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and desire the safety of comfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT stand within the word resiliency.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to source strength from others, hiding my insecurities and weaknesses by accepting and allowing superficial validation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT face myself wholly and stand independently to face whatever comes my way, in any given moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear falling down or having a setback in process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see, realize and understand my ability to respond to any situation in life.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that staying in my comfort zone is in my best interest.

--

When and as I am feeling uncomfortable within impending change, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I 'change is the only constant', and so I commit myself to embrace change.

When and as I see myself feeling weak and unsure of the future, I stop I breathe. I realize that, come what may, I can stand and face anything. I commit myself to walking through all of my insecurities until I truly, fully believe I can face anything...even death.

When and as I see myself being afraid of the unknown, I stop, I breathe. I realize that the fear is a simple, yet elegantly designed distraction from Self-Here. I commit myself to embrace the unknown and step into self-trust.

When and as I see that I've had an extended stay within comfort, I stop, I breathe. I realize that until comfort is manifest for all within oneness and equality, it is but a temporary experience my mind is providing for me. Within this, I commit myself to investigate the many atrocities going on in the world, and rediscover my passion/purpose within the life I want to lead as the solution for existence.

When and as I see myself resisting facing myself in a moment of potential change, I stop, I breathe. I realize that change is one of my greatest friends in process, exactly for this reason - an opportunity to confront myself and apply myself. Here, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing and manifesting my insecurities. I commit myself to walk into and through moments of change, seeing them as an enjoyable challenge, rather than as something to be feared.

I commit myself to investigating further the relationship between asserting myself within change, and the insecurities that are here in these moments.

Day 425 - Wishing vs Creating

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish for things to be different, and not accepting that I am 100% responsible for creating my life.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that things are how they are because of me, and what I've chosen to create, accept and allow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self-victimization, believing that my life circumstances have been determined and given to me by an outside force.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to take 100% responsibility for my life and the circumstances I find myself in.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am the solely responsible for my life experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish for a better life, instead of creating one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disempower myself by not recognizing myself as the principle creative force of my life, and thus, not see my expanded responsibility as the principle creative force for all life.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to recognize my ability and responsibility to create/manifest the best possible life for myself and those around me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to initiate and cycle within the sequenced pattern of blame and wishing/hoping for change.


When and as I see myself wishing or hoping for my life experience to change for the better, I stop, I breathe. I realize if it is to be, it's up to me. I commit myself to taking charge to create, with specificity, solutions of an enjoyable life, for me and for all.

When and as I see myself creating an unpleasant/mediocre life experience, I stop, I breathe. I realize that an extraordinary life is not something that is given to me, so I commit myself to initiate the physical, creative processes that resonate with an extraordinary lifestyle.

When and as I see myself blaming other people or external life events for my shitty experiences in life, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am the creator, and I commit myself to investigate exactly how I've manifested any particular experience in life that I want to change, so that I may take full responsibility for the self-change that needs to happen to end the specific manifestation of unwanted consequences.

Day 424 - Disregarding Time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stay up really late into the night.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to be self-honest about the consequences of staying up till the wee hours of the morning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can get away with very little sleep, when the reality is that I will sleep longer into the coming day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay my daily blog until the end of the day, and then feel bad when I don't or can't finish it by midnight.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to squander the extra time I have each day from sleeping less than the average person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore when my body is telling me to go to sleep.

-- and the real issue here --

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to watch back-to-back episodes on netflix in total disregard of time, and not see, realize or understand the direct consequences of disregarding time.

--

When and as I see myself accepting and allowing auto-play to so easily propel me into the next episode, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am making a decision here, and auto-play is not to blame. I commit myself to decide beforehand - how much time I want to spend watching television before I begin.

When and as I see myself staying up late into the night, I stop, I breathe. I remember to check myself, honestly, to consider if what I want to stay up late doing, is worth the trade off of time I'd otherwise have in the morning. I commit myself to considering my hours in the day within equity.

When and as I see myself believing I am special in my ability to stay up late and wake up early, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I'm not special, as many others sleep even less than I do. Within that, I realize that I'm limiting my potential by making myself special through comparison. I commit myself to apply the tool of humility and access the awareness of incredible potential of each hour, of every day.

Until next time...

Day 423 - Hiding in a Relationship

There are some consequences playing out for me in my agreement-relationship, wherein I have fallen much more into my relationship tendencies than I have created agreements. In other words, I've been able to hide myself from myself through having another person to focus on and blame for my general life experience. I thought that by calling it an agreement meant that there was some automatic difference from a relationship...nope.

What I'm starting to realize now is how much work goes into manifesting agreement. In sales, the sales professional gets paid very well to apply effective communication to create shared understanding with the prospect. If my understanding is clear about the value of my proposition, we enter into agreement, and my prospect is transformed into a customer.

When my self-agreement, or understanding of my value proposition in and as LIFE, isn't exactly clear, reaching an agreement with another human being is (a) impossible, or (b) detrimental to the other human being.

Bottom line: Self comes first.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that an agreement-relationship is a guaranteed, stronger than marriage, relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide the true nature of myself by projecting my shit onto the other person, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding who I am is reflected in the other by nature of how mind projection works.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become less than my utmost potential by falling into my preprogrammed tendencies of trying to use the agreement-relationship as a relationship wherein I hide myself, from myself, by making it all about her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand my full responsibility to be an effective communicator, so that I can accurately name the game, create solutions, and then generate shared understanding/agreement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT first clarify for myself what I want to specifically create within an agreement-relationship. (Awesome support here: What did you Agree on?)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see, realize and understand how by not clarifying my self-agreement first, I bring instability into the relationship and cause more discomfort and discord than harmony and agreement.


When and as I see myself reacting toward Garb, I commit myself to stop, and breathe. I realize that my programming to fight to not expose my systems is exactly the opposite of what I want to be doing in this agreement. I commit myself to speak the specific forgiveness statements, and continue to investigate myself in writing to find the root causes of my reaction patterns, effectively facing myself.

When and as I see myself hiding behind blame and projection, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I know how to bring the points back to myself, and that applying this tool is a form of essential self-application within my self-agreement. I commit myself to bringing every point of projected blame back to myself first and foremost.

When and as I see myself breaking my self-agreement and living in a way that is not best for all, I stop, I breathe. I realize that this process of self-honesty is a process, and the most challenging one in existence at that, so I commit myself to be gentle, yet steadfast, within my application of self-correction.

When and as I see myself speaking in energy, I STOP, I breathe. I realize that an effective communicator does not speak in energy, as this creates all kinds of barriers to hearing the actual points I intend to communicate. I realize that my intentions mean nothing, and that I should be measuring myself and my process by my application of effective self-expression of what is best for all, here, in this physical reality.

I commit myself to deconstructing all of my relationship tendencies, so that I may make room for substantial agreement creation in my agreement-relationship.

More awesome support here: http://wiki.destonians.com/Agreement

Day 422 - Self-Agreement

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to not go deeper in my relationship to walking process, to investigate the specifics of my application, and cross reference my effort level here with my utmost potential.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my process is not ever guaranteed, and within that, I require to motivate myself, to move myself every moment of every day.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I must have a clear starting point in walking my process FOR ME.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk my process within ego, as a show for others to see me as how I want to be seen, not necessarily as how I truly am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that I can conceal my ego-tainted starting point in walking process.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the consequence creation outflow of walking process within a starting point of ego, and so figure that it's fine, or not a big deal, so long as (some of) my physical decisions/actions are aligned with what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my process of principled living by concealing my stand within consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to understand why I want to walk process for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself desire to find an easier way to walk process.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to take 100% responsibility for the creation of my experience in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the principle of a self-agreement, and the process within it of merging and migrating my interests into the interests of what's best for all.

--

When and as I see myself walking process for anyone or any external force, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I MUST factor me into my self-movement first and foremost, and that if I am moving based on how I perceive others need or want me to move, I am not being self-honest, I am not considering me firstly or equally, and rather placing others before me, and so I will create inevitable failure and blame through participating in the illusion of not being responsible for myself. I commit myself to walking fully the correction process for this point.

Bonus link: http://wiki.destonians.com/Process_of_Self

Day 421 - Dependent

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word independent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see, realize and understand where and how I've fallen into relationships of dependency.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and desire to be in a co-dependent relationship, where I seek to receive positive feelings from my partner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being in a co-dependent relationship, where the strength of self-sufficiency through independence is missing.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to specifically investigate these conflicting desires to be dependent and independent.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself see, realize and understand how I've blinded myself from this construct by judging my partners as either dependent or independent, and not opening up my personal relationship to both of these words.

--

I commit myself to investigate, redefine and substantiate these words in my life.

I commit myself to investigating my memories of past relationships, and walking the specific forgiveness statements to release my energized definitions that I carry now as "baggage."

I commit myself to purify and redefine dependent and independent so that I can properly lead my life in all of my relationships to people, places and things.

When and as I see myself desiring an external force to make me feel good, I stop, I breathe. I realize the key of self-fulfillment. I commit myself to investigating how I've created the particular experiences of lack in my life, so that I may return the point to myself and give myself what I had desired from my outside world.

I commit myself to taking responsibility for my wants, needs and desires.
&
I commit myself to investigating the full nature of my preexisting programming within and behind these words.

Day 420 - Ode to Pot

For some odd years of my life, I have smoked the marijuana.

For many of those years, I thought I liked the experience more than I disliked the side effects.

Within this last year, I've made the decision to cut it out of my life.

It's taken me many years, to figure out how to stand by this decision.


So many years, I've intimately identified myself within and through the experience of weed.

It had become a best friend, a security blanket, and a tool to keep feeling good.

Served to helped me procrastinate my homework, and focus on the fun stuff.

Made my sense of epiphany stronger, which many times led me into some eccentric ideas.


For better or for worse.

The sticky stuff, I found, is very accurately that: Sticky

I got stuck in the self-aggrandizement, thinking so highly of my thinking.

I deviated further from the bigger picture, while feeling I had a higher perspective.


Getting high helped me mask the reality of getting high.

Consequences happen, sooner or later, so why not come to grips with reality sooner?

I do not regret my path, nor think my dance with MJ was bad or good.

I know that who I am today, is One man ready to take the step.



For additional support, I highly recommend this link: http://wiki.destonians.com/Drugs#Marijuana

Day 419 - Back to Basics: Blame

I'll admit, I've been a little naïve, thinking that I've got more of a grasp on the concept of blame at this point. Maybe it's a side effect of increasing awareness. In becoming more aware of it, I figured I'd have a better handle on it in my life. I suppose I can say that I've been getting better and better at identifying when other people are participating in blame, but when it comes to seeing it me clearly, haha, dropped the ball there.

There's a particular energy design within blame that feels kind of good...natural even. You know what I mean. Whenever there's anything negative going on, it's relieving and satisfactory to attribute the cause to anything external, anything other than self. So, if I can walk through my whole life, blaming anything and everyone for all the bad shit in the world and in my personal experience, then I can rest easy knowing that I was never in the wrong. I can die, feeling good about myself.

Haha, really? No.

But that's the thing. Taking responsibility for my mistakes and transgressions doesn't quite feel good or natural. It's like a sinking in my gut. Face flushes red with that "I've been caught" kind of feeling. On top of the emotional energy, there's the logical conclusion that I'm flawed, incorrect, or imperfect. From my ego's vantage point, there's a cognitive dissonance that needs to be resolved. Textbook says there's two ways this can occur: change in perception or change in behavior.

A change in perception would be to blame or redirect the responsibility away from me. A change in behavior, well, that's an interesting process in this case. To get to a change in behavior means I need to fully accept that I'm to blame, that I'm responsible. That can be tough to do given the emotional disarray described above.

The key = Self-forgiveness.

With self-forgiveness, I can release that negative energy that comes up with accepting responsibility. When applied effectively, forgiveness is so incredibly powerful. The challenge is in remembering to apply it, especially when the when the desire to blame is SO tempting. The knee-jerk reaction is to push away that sinking feeling - not to take it in, and apply self-forgiveness. I mean, who has ever heard of that? (Other than us process walkers) It takes practice, preparation (writing the JTL blog), and most importantly: the decision to just do it.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to so quickly follow into the blame energy programming to protect my sensitive ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to find fault everywhere outside of myself, so I may avoid that sinking feeling that comes with considering self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify blame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear accepting responsibility for my mistakes and transgressions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can avoid consequences through blame.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize the inevitability of self-honesty, and thus, the inevitability of taking responsibility for my experience.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally consider taking responsibility for the totality of my experience here on Earth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to creatively ascribe blame toward others, so that I may be free of guilt.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to live courage to take full responsibility for the outcomes of my creation.


When and as I see myself participating in a blame narrative in my mind, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I can use my creative capacity to rather investigate personal responsibility, and I commit myself to do that. I commit myself to finding my humility and ending the blame game.

When and as I see myself actively participating in blame within and through the words I speak, I stop, I breathe. I realize that in these moments, I am speaking from a starting point of mind energy as blame. I commit myself to self-correct in real-time; or if this proves too difficult, then I commit myself to investigate the full nature of the blame point in writing.

When and as I see myself in fear of the emotional discord arising from taking responsibility, I stop, I breathe. I realize that this discomfort is my best friend, as it signals to me that I'm on the right track for moving out of the blame game. I commit myself to embrace this discomfort, and I commit myself to release it with self-forgiveness.

When and as I see myself applying reasons, justifications and excuses to validate blame and defer personal responsibility, I stop, I breathe. I realize that taking responsibility for myself is what I ultimately want to do, and thus, why should I waste time entertaining a mind-job such as blaming external forces for my experiences..

Within and through this, I see, realize and understand that I will need to specify my process in order to more readily accept responsibility. To quickly react with blame indicates a failure of self-investigation to the nth degree. So, I commit myself to going all the way, forgiving myself when I do realize a point of blame I'd missed, and keep my eyes on the prize: 100% Self Responsibility.

Day 418 - Blogging Everyday

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish my consistency with this blog because I am afraid of not being good enough in the public eye.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate within fear-based thinking when I consider writing a blog post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT orient to the real reasons for which this blog exists: openly shared self-support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the thought, "I don't need to blog today."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my process has evolved beyond blogging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify NOT supporting myself through posting to my daily blog, using nearly any excuse that my mind could come up with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand within excuses and justifications for why I am not participating in life to my highest potential, each day.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see me clearly, AND take corrective action to realign my living participation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait and require stimulus for me to get moving and make the decision to support myself with daily writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the thought "I can't do this."


--

I CAN do this.

When and as I see myself thinking "I can't do this," I stop, I breathe. I realize that my mind is now taking the wheel to steer me down a path of self-disempowerment. I commit myself to immediately stop this thought train, investigate the nature of my resistance, and move through it into an expression of "I can do this."

When and as I see myself formulating reasons, justifications and excuses, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I can be the directive decider of my living, instead of just allowing these classic mind-programs. I commit myself to waling real-time self-forgiveness on the reasons, justifications and excuses that come up in my mind for why I cannot do or be what is best for all.

When and as I see myself participating in any excuse for why I do not need to write my JTL blog, I stop, and I breathe. I realize that this blog will not write itself, and I commit myself to giving my best effort to write something everyday.

When and as I see myself resisting to write a daily post, I stop, I breathe. I realize that resistance arises from fear-based thinking, so I commit myself to exposing these fears to myself and moving through it.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow fear to direct me away from writing this blog.

I commit myself to remember the purpose of this daily blog. When and if this isn't clear, I stop, I breathe. I commit myself to re-investigate why I started this blog until it is clear again.

I commit myself to continue opening up dimensions related to why I may not (want to) blog every day, like laziness and other flavors of self-interest, until it is clear, and I am here, everyday.

Day 417 - Damn Daniel! Back at it again...

...with the Journey to Life blogging!

In the summer of 2013, I had the great fortune of traveling to South Africa to live on the Desteni farm for a couple of months. During that time, I felt like I no longer needed to remain consistent with my daily blog because I had proven myself (to others) and made it there (feeling accepted), which reveals that my starting point in blogging wasn't fully for me. So, I let it slide and focused myself on interacting within the physically immediate relationships, despite Bernard emphasizing to me how important it is that I keep consistent with the writing, as a primary point of visibility in my process.

In retrospect, it was kind of like my social programming that I lived out in college, prioritizing the social scene over homework. I liked being judged by my immediate character rather than the permanent, anyone-can-see writings posted online. Managing the (projected) social judgments of a few personalities was kind of my forte, a skill I'd been developing since the sixth grade, when I moved from NY to CA and had the opportunity to recreate my self-perception without the baggage of my past social faux pas.

The consequences of orienting to a socially constructed self-perception, have become more and more...consequential. Building this inauthentic self-confidence, doomed to crack and crumble, was an uphill battle. Yeah, maybe I learned a few useful coping skills, like how to be "cool" in a small/dynamic social scene, but the real shit going on under the surface: low self worth, low self-esteem, fears of rejection and not being accepted by others - never went away. In fact, it only got worse, taking on new forms and intensities.

For example, my blogging tapered off because I couldn't so easily manage the perceptions of others. Posting publicly like this ultimately demands authenticity, which is totally cool because I still hardly know the authentic me! Another example: My agreement relationship demands that I reorient to my authentic self, because the facade-self only holds up for so long before breaking down.

Thus,

the Desteni "I" Process.

Which includes actively applying the tools of self-investigative writing, self-forgiveness, breathing and real-time self correction.

So, here I am, restating my starting point: I'm not interested in applying my efforts to maintain a crumbling self-conception, especially not when I'm surrounded by all the right information and support (thanks everyone). It's time to finally let it go and start getting to know who the real "I" is.

I don't have the white Vans, and I don't care. I commit myself to letting go of the importance of how others may or may not perceive me. I am cool in my own right, and I'm going to prove that to myself by giving myself the chance to really get to know me. Much to uncover in future postings.

Desteni.org | DesteniIprocess.com | EQAFE.com | wiki.destonians.com

Day 416 - Word Critic Bully Character

A little backstory before opening up this character:

While working through level 10 of my vocabulary building program, I came across the word infer, and slowed down to read all the definitions for it because I have long had trouble distinguishing between inference and deduction. This lead to a journey of understanding, aided by the internet and, well, Yahoo Answers. Reading through all the contributions from others, I was definitely starting to refine the boundaries of these two words for myself. Below is one of the more poorly rated answers, but I resonated with it. I thought was a really effective expression of her understanding. Then I expanded the 1 comment, read it, and went through a semi-heavy reaction as I closed the page in disgust of the nasty meanness of humanity online.

I reopened the tab to investigate what this reaction was. Rereading this, O_hutch may have been simply saying that it was funny, and not in a derogatory way. Regardless, my interpretation/reaction of the situation, was such, as to reflect my own nature; and so, I walk the necessary self-forgiveness, take responsibility for my contribution to this uncool aspect of our world/internet culture.

--

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my own and others' words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to polarize my understanding of the importance of clear understanding of individual vocabulary words, and create a positive experience attached to perfect word choice and execution, and a negative experience/judgment of fumbling my words, incorrect word use, nonsense - and within allowing my mind to polarize and energize this point, I now see, realize and understand that I am absolutely sabotaging an awesome potential to support myself and those around me, putting my understanding of vocabulary to its best use.

Scenarios:

- Listen for the definition mismatch when listening to others. This is accomplished by attentively listening to the whole of the other person to get their context and how it influences their understanding/use of particular words, and then comparing and contrasting it to my understanding. Additional cross referencing is often required, as my contextual associations with my words could just as well be misaligned.

- Use my Vocabulary Builder everyday. This is most clearly an expression of putting my understanding of vocabulary to its best use.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my definitions and understandings of words are more clear, more refined, more accurate, and thus judge myself as superior to all around me (straight up ego design), and TOTALLY MISS how others choose their words according to their own understandings of them! It's kind of a..."duh" thing, but this also shows me how stupid and compromising it can be when I let my ego steer my perception.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to others superficially and from the narrow vantage point of my current understanding, reactively ready to pounce on/judge others when they speak/write with any word-definition discrepancies to my own; instead of (correction) leveling with others and working to understand why/how they use their words to convey meaning, and resolve discrepancies.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be fast and rush through information, and be the first person to correctly interpret what someone means, sometimes even before they finish speaking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat others as intellectual inferiors because of an inflated sense of having comprehensive understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself and others within and through operating from a partial understanding, inflated to seem to me like a better or more accurate understanding. I commit myself to humble myself and see the honesty of me operating within and from a partial understanding.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my own understandings, which are actually inferences that I've been making my whole life.

I commit myself to be humble and willing to reconsider everything (311, thanks again for this song)!

I commit myself to actively realizing that we all don't have the same positioning and reach within the English lexicon, and take responsibility for creating shared understanding within what is best for all.

I commit myself to apply active listening to cross reference my initial interpretations and understandings with other potential meanings, especially meanings relevant to the individual speaking. This requires a humbleness and slowing down. Patiently taking in more information than I would normally cruising through my life at mind-speed.

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It's a rather obtrusive personality program in my life, specifically in the realm of communication, which was my field of study in college. Damn, no matter how much I know, I really do need to humble myself and keep learning, all the time.

Bottom line: To have an inflated self-perception of mastery within understanding = not chill.


More to come on: listening, bullying, words, and my life experience. Thanks.