Day 371 - Accidental Self Programming

This blog post is a continuation from Day 370 - How to Program Yourself and Automate Behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try an over analyze and make a moment of physical decision more than what it simply is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to intellectualize my intellectualization by further removing myself from the basic facts of what happened and why, and to have instead written my last blog in separation of my experience, analogous to how I had removed myself from the experience of myself for that single moment of observing myself choosing to continue biting my nail in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue within a physical denial of responsibility when I see myself in a self-abusive pattern, specifically in this case, biting my thumb nail.

I forgive myself that I have continued accepting and allowing this automated decision to delay the stopping of my nail biting habit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to make the physical changes that I see in a moment of clarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will do as I have always done, within this, seeing how I haven't always done this behavior, and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make this habit more than what it is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am less than my automated decisions, creating an experience of inability to change, rooted in fear, and confirming this fear with repetitive failure as I subject myself to the whims of these particular energetic parameters instead of realizing my response-ability to direct myself into and as change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget the importance of breathing. When and as I see myself trailing off into a mind-moment, I stop, I breathe. I refocus who I am in my physical body, and I make a decision to live what is best in the context of everything and everyone, including myself and my fingernails.

When and as I see myself biting my nails, I stop and I breathe. I see myself, and I commit myself to immediately take a physical action because I realize that if I hesitate, even for a moment, I give my mind time to spin and take me away from the physical, here reality.

When and as I see myself in a repetitive behavior that I don't explicitly and confidently want as a part of my lifestyle, I stop, then I take a breath and look at how did this pattern originate. If I do not immediately see the starting point, I can be sure that this behavior pattern is an outdated automation that I had created in my past and reaffirmed over time. In this case, I commit myself to take note and put forth the time to write about this experience until I am clear within my understanding of how this program came to be. From there, I commit myself to writing/speaking the specific self-forgiveness and corrective application to support myself in the process of real self-change.

I commit myself to take a close look at the relationship wherein I continually allow myself to not change, even when I see the self-compromise within the pattern. I realize that I have the solution as writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application. Expand self-honesty, here. Wholesomeness. Integrity. Self-integrity.

Barring self-judgment, I see, realize, and understand the importance of adhering to true integrity, and I commit myself to move steadfast through my attachments/definitions and limitations that I have accepted and allowed of myself up to here.

Thanks me-I-you-us, for together we stand up for and as the solution.

Day 351 - Attached to the Memories of My Habits

There are so many points to write about and realize, and I'm just delaying the whole process because I'm stuck in an emotional relationship to my past choices and unwittingly perpetuating destructive patterns because I haven't really forgiven myself specifically.

Writing is not a habit that I can afford to stop. I have seen how much I'm progressed through writing, why stop now? I have been writing less consistently for awhile now and in general I see it is because I'm stuck in memories. My past contains memories that are familiar in respect to who I am in relation to my environment. So, my comfort zone is literally composed of memories. In this process of self expansion, I have to let go of my familiar, comfortable relationships to people/places/things to discover who I am in relation to the new and unfamiliar people/environments. And I'm now realizing that it's not just expanding my relationship to various nouns, it's also letting go of and discovering new: verbs!

Changing a habit or two can change your entire life. I am finding myself in a position where I have the tools to change all my habits from self-interest based to best for all based. This will not just change my life, but will also have a significant ripple effect. Leading by example, with the example being a consistent, principled living, with the principle being to act in the best interest of all. But I've gotten ahead of myself before, and I recognize this haste pattern, so I commit myself to slow down, and walk a physical timeline that is in alignment with this principled living. Firstly, I have to change one habit. Funny, you'd think that'd be obvious.

I am now making a decision to change one fundamental habit that will most certainly make my life easier: Giving up.

There are many, many moments for which the decision to uphold a new habit, or shut down a bad habit, must be applied. This is the area where I stumble. I understand what it would take to change myself, but I don't yet have the practice to confidently stick to the commitments I make. This plays out most severely in my relationship with nail biting. Alcohol was the first habit I stopped, but with this point my memories were already mostly seen in a negative light. Stopping consumption of donuts wasn't very difficult because it was so specific...interesting. With donuts, my starting point was to test myself, and although I have been successful, I still occasionally pursue other sweets to satisfy that sugar craving. Stopping porn was a bit more stubborn, but once I was clear in my relationship to it as intentional disillusionment and saw how it was affecting my relationships with real life women, I stopped it permanently. (For more support with stopping porn, check out Porn+Alt+Delete)

What can I learn from here? Where exactly am I stumbling? It appears that the successful implementation of a new habit depends on a few factors, some of which include specificity of the new habit, comprehensively understanding the motivations of the old habits, as well as understanding the basis of the new habits. Through writing, I commit myself to slow down and expose my existing habits and all relevant components thereof, AND I commit myself to write the specifics of the new habits, to be clear within myself of the alignment and choice to follow through with a permanent self change.

I'll expand more on changing habits in the days to come. I am currently walking through nail biting, and procrastination (still)<--note: self-judgement. And I have to walk the physical process of writing, accepting my current state, so that I may choose to stop allowing what I've been accepting. The beginning and the end, together as one, the key to self-change. Remove this self-judgement, for in a stance separation, I am disempowering myself to be able to direct myself as one and equal with all parts of me that I have been accepting and allowing.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge myself through a perspective of knowing what I should be doing, while my physical participation doesn't cooperate. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate myself, within myself, into and as an idealized concept/image and a real/physical. Within this, I realize that I am creating a friction and frustration from the mind perspective of the image/ego, looking at myself in the physical, in separation, and seeing inconsistency. I commit myself to take a breath and move within the realization that I am my physical body, instead of just judging myself and creating friction and then getting no where.

I commit myself to take the necessary step and do what it takes to produce real, lasting self change. Step by step, I forgive and release my inconsiderate, self(only) interested personalities and habit sets, to align my living, physical application and habits with what is best for all.

Day 339 - "I don't know"

When faced with a self defining question, it's pretty damn easy to say "I don't know," but there's a problem: I typically hit a wall here. To parkour this wall. To overcome it. To continue onward and figure out the answer to, let say for example: What am I capable of? I would have to really apply an effort to answer this for myself. I'd first have to understand that I need to give some context before I can assess the question seriously, a step that is not taken when resorting to an "I don't know" response.

In some ways, it's a particular relationship to the phase, where upon saying "I don't know," I also assume that someone else will give me the answer, or dig my psyche to unravel my core issues for me. It's a habit formed from when I was young: Mommy, Daddy what's...why...how? The function of "I don't know" wasn't to hide my inner reality. It was an expression that expanded my world. But now I find myself utilizing this phrase out of habit and in the wrong context. Instead of using this set of words to assist and support myself, I've allowed the habit to evolve into escaping the responsibility to investigate, understand and discover myself.

For clarification, this issue only applies with personal questions like: "How are you feeling today?" or "What's up?" Not questions like what's 37 x 689. To discern when I am being self-honest within "I don't know" there is a simple test: Is there backchat?

If there is a fogginess or background thinking process going on when I speak "I don't know," I can be sure that the statement is not being used as a direct, self-honest expression. Stop. What is my inner reality? What am I thinking in my secret mind? Why am I resisting to share the first answer that comes to mind? Probably, I am protecting my ego. That seems to be trending.

So, if I am to discover my potential, I'm going to have to realign my relationship to not knowing what it is. So far in life, I've placed way too much emphasis on the idea of my capacity without ever testing myself. It's like an imagined, glorified idea of myself in the future vs. the living reality of myself, here. This disconnect, I'm finding is a serious problem. I can't create the life I want to live if I keep telling myself and others that "I don't know." After all, without physically moving to overcome a mental wall of self-limited understanding, I'll just suppress the wall, save it for later and create a temporary perception (of "not knowing" for example) to feel okay for the moment. I no longer accept myself to live in the mind and support the illusion of self-control. I commit myself to walking the physical process of transcending the mind's automated, directive control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can simply reach a higher level of self-control by mentally suppressing my way through life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am the superior mental idea of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse the words "I don't know" to hide my self-honest expression within my secret mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself behind a wall of "I don't know" and not realize the dynamic of presenting an illusion of myself to others and myself. In this, not realizing the consequences of compounding self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek attention and interaction through using "I don't know" as a way to outsource the responsibility of self-understanding and to engage others in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak "I don't know" while having a perception of who I really am in a glorified imagination space of my secret mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that entertaining myself in this way is is only an entertainment and not the reality of myself, even though I like the idea so much and will try to integrate it with who I believe myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide the physical reality of myself, to verbally claim that "I don't know" who I am, and then participate and believe in the mental idea that best suits me as ego.

When and as I see myself saying "I don't know" with simultaneous backchat, I stop I breathe. I realize that there is an inconsistency, a separation between the physical reality of who I am and the idea of who I am. I commit myself to consider this moment and utilize it for personal insight by checking out why I had chosen to hide behind the words "I don't know."

When and as I see myself participating in a thought or imagination about how I am, I stop I breathe. I realize that if this were a reality of my living expression, I wouldn't have created the thought in the first place. I commit myself to investigating how I can realign myself to live within physical and express myself fully as life in support of an outcome that is best for all.

When and as I see myself mentally shaping who I think myself to be, I stop I breathe. I realize that using the statement of "I don't know" to protect what I think about myself in my secret mind is a way for me to see that I'm not living myself into and as reality. I commit myself to flag pointing the context and/or particular desires of how I would like to be when I hear myself say "I don't know" so that I may walk myself into a point of self-directiveness, here in the physical living reality.

photo credit

Day 329 - My writing purpose

Since I've started writing this blog, I've known the true purpose is to support myself in understanding who I have become, so that I am best prepared to produce actual, lasting self-change. The conundrum was that I only knew it, and wasn't really living it. For some part I was, but my focus was oriented very similar to how I oriented my focus in school: Delay, and get it done at the last minute because I have to (because of some external reason). This attitude carried over into my Desteni I Process, because that's all I really knew when it came to doing work.

That being said, now I find that I have begun to actually write for me. How can I tell? I've released the concept that I need to have a post done everyday according to an external guidance or recommendation. Don't get me wrong. I do see the value in making the time to write a post everyday. There are benefits to it that I am still realizing the value thereof, such as stability, planning, follow through and dedication. So, now they've missed more days lately than I am used to, some different self-perspectives are popping up, and I'm starting to see how I'd automated my daily posts without considering my starting point purpose!

That now being said, I still feel like I'm writing in a voice for a general audience, rather than a raw, authentic, 'note to self' voice. So, I realize that it will be a process for me to get a hang of self-writing for self alone. As I remove the layers of my automation, I realize new patterns will emerge. I must face the entirety of me in time. One pattern at I time, I commit myself to deconstructing the specific qualities of my various characters, so that I can gain root access to my physical body, from which I then commit myself to restructuring myself in alignment with what is best for all in the context of when/where/how that specific quality of me is present.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk process from a starting point of separation where I have defined myself in relation to how I think others will perceive me through my writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my starting point in separation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist process because I believe I owe myself to my readers and others that might hold me accountable for my "daily" writing commitment, not realizing that I've only ever been sabotaging myself, alone. I realize this is for me. Others may or may not benefit on a side note, but I write for me.

Ok, this is going to to be interesting. I'll start experimenting with a more core writing voice, just naturally letting my self flow write to myself. I have have experience in doing this in my hand written process journal, but even there I recall writing while thinking about how what I write may come off to a future reader that isn't me. Contrived. Inorganic. Artificial. This must stop. It's not best for all, or even anyone. Self-writing is what is best for me and all, especially when I publicize my work.

Ok Dan, sleep. Tomorrow, write some awesome, articulate insight while finishing up that unfinished post from a few days ago. Self, out.

Day 324 - Investigating My Airport Fears

This is a continuation of Day 323 - Airport Paranoia where I briefly went over some of my backchats and imaginations that went through my head. Today, I'll expand on those.

First experience was when I got dropped off and I had to find my way to the right spot to get my boarding pass. A subtle thought keeps in: "What if something goes wrong" and that's when my mind races to see how this could be true. This process happens quite automatically because I've lived most of my life testing my fear-thoughts in my mind "so I will be able to protect myself" from experiencing the various scenarios that I conjure. When I don't participate in this process, I can simply live moment to moment, doing what needs to be done. There's no real reason that something would go wrong because I've taken the pertinent steps to success. If I hadn't, then I would have actual reason to worry, but then the appropriate action would be to take the necessary steps to get back on track.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that by trying to justify my fears is the right thing to do, so that I can avoid them,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I can most effectively avoid problems through common sense prevention.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think "what if something still goes wrong" completely out of the context of reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be paranoid about logistical failures within a mental worry/anxiety, instead of living in reality.

I commit myself to considering all possibilities and taking actions to prevent the worst case scenarios, and to not participate in anxiousness brought on by a self-doubt character.

When I imagine actual imagery of things going horribly wrong, I do not think that it will actually happen...but there is a part of me that brings up this type of thought. Why am I fascinated with horrible freak accidents? Because I don't believe they would actually happen, so within my beliefs I am safe. Could this be a way to reaffirm my faith in my knowledge/belief structure? I do not want it to happen, but it would be a cool scene to watch in a film: Causal passenger perspective, and then Bam! A whole other plane rips through the front of the cabin, killing many instantly...but the final moments of the passenger in the back...what is he thinking and experiencing? Why do I find this fascinating to contemplate? Intrigued by disaster. A thought comes up that pertains to not wanting to be a coward, but rather a survivor against extreme odds. Which comes back to wanting to be able to handle a worse case scenario. Interesting!

Such a powerful draw to the mental projection of worse case scenarios, within a desire to survive or just get through them, but also wanting to avoid the feared failure, and ultimately death. Paranoia is charged by fear. And fear is paranoia. So then paranoia feeds paranoia. All of this mental processing happening despite the physical reality that is here. Doesn't it make sense to rather be here, ready for anything, able to move/act in an instant, than to be imagining all the bad things that could happen? Because when one of them actually happens, we likely react without common sense or worse: completely freeze up, petrified by the fear experience that we've been creating the whole time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to protect myself by preparing myself for imagined worst case scenarios that are highly unlikely.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to occupy myself with a fear based thought-visualization because it is enticing, appealing to a system of my mind that I don't fully understand.

I commit myself to noting my violent imagination, and investigating my motivations within it to better understand myself.

I commit myself to discovering ways that I can prevent anxiety through comprehensive consideration and preemptive preparation.

photo credit

Day 316 - Proving Resistance is Powerless

I'm peeling back the layers. The composition of my resistance energy is still not completely understood, and this means that further investigation will be required before I stabilize this stance of self-mastery. I've noted how I move from overwhelmed through a reaction to giving up. Example: "too much work to do > I can't effectively do it all" > delay & distraction. I abandon my whole task list because of an emotional reaction of being overwhelmed. It's utterly ridiculous from the stand point of doing what works. The emotion overrides the common sense application of myself.

Side note on self-mastery: To achieve self-mastery, there must be a self-slave. This is a polarity concept, and when it's participated in and lived, a split personality is created: Self as a Master and a Slave. To live as real self-change, there is only ONE self that acknowledges self as the problem and the solution, and takes the responsibility to move into and as the solution. In this specific case of mastering myself in relation to resistance, I will need to recognize and accept the responsibility of each relevant point that is part of this resistance feeling reaction that I've programmed into my living flesh over the years of participating in it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed and react by going into a powerlessness character, allowing the resistance energy to be accepted as greater and more powerful than I.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the resistance energy through placing myself as a victim of it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my resistance as separate and more powerful that who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself as the resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself as the solution of pushing / willing myself through the residual effects of my relationship with resistance energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight with resistance in separation of it - not realizing this is like feeding the fire, building friction and ultimately giving in to the same resistance that I thought I was fighting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to unknowingly amplify my experience of resistance, through separating myself from it, placing myself in a victim relationship to my own mind, and secretly rooting for the resistance to win so my desire for the distraction can thrive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have not been seriously wanting to stop the resistance because I wanted to indulge in a desire that I was hiding from myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from the desires I am ashamed to admit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my secret mind to continue on in secrecy because...I am still attached to my ego.

I stop, I breathe.

Today went well. Not perfectly. Tomorrow is another day. Will I allow this writing release to disencumber me for the moment and then allow myself to fall back into the same habit? No. Why, I have been here too many times. Tomorrow will be a reflection with living commitments to self. Thanks.

photo credit

Day 314 - Taking Breath for Granted (LSC)

(LSC) = Living Self-Commitments

Continuing from:
Day 312 - Taking Breaths for Granted
Day 313 - Taking Breath for Granted (SF)

For additional support and perspective, I use this wiki page to understand what it is to just breathe.

I commit myself to assist and support myself in realizing myself as my breath.

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself excuse and validate my self-dishonesty; to no longer deliberately maintain separation of my breath. I am here with it.

I commit myself to realizing that I am inevitably here with every breath, and through this realization, observe and investigate my state of separation.

I commit myself to keep breathing.

I commit myself to breathe then direct myself.

I commit myself to continue breathing.

I commit myself to breathe and be aware of myself.

I commit myself to bring myself back to my breath when and as I see myself in separation of my breath.

I commit myself to breathe when I am participating in any action, or moment of decision.

I commit myself to actively participate with my breath as soon as I wake up.

I commit myself to breathe throughout the day and reflect on these moments to understand where and when I take breaths to give context and clarity to the moments that I am not yet breathing.

I commit myself to prioritizing my breathing application, and within that

I commit myself to effectively applying myself within my daily responsibilities. When and as I see that I'm not, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can halt an energetic possession and breathe into stability to apply myself effectively within the principle of What's Best For All.

I commit myself to continue breathing and being with my breath, until I breathe no more.

Day 306 - Morning Mind Play

Continuation of:
Day 305 - My Earliest Written Blog Post Yet
Day 304 - Morning Boot Up

Cool. I had a nice opportunity to play with my mind, and what did I find? The morning wasn't kind.

Seriously though, I made some interesting participatory observations. Here's a brief walk through: Alarm goes off, wasn't expecting it, but I adapt. I turn it off during a feeling of heavy wake-up resistance, head straight back to the pillow. Mind reminds me to exercise my breathing application to dissolve the resistance feeling. Slowly, my breathing turns into ego/thought, fail. Recovered 45 minutes later. I realize I can't be laying down in the most comfortable position ever if I want to wake up.

Solution:
One breath   > upright position. Continued breathing until stable. Direct self to begin the day.

Also, reporting on how the rest of my yesterday went after posting my earliest blog ever :
- Got more done.
- Felt like I still needed to be writing during the 10th and 11th hour of the evening
- Bottom line: When I start my day with self-supportive actions, like writing, I continue my day in a relatively more self-supportive way.

So, here I am now, typing up another morning post. It's freeing. It even seems like the day lasts longer. In addition to waking up earlier, I also don't have a looming responsibility that I've put on hold the entire day. The key difference is that instead of wanting to spend my time distracting myself from whatever I am procrastinating, I am free to move on to the next responsibility, effectively accomplishing more in a day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delay responsibilities and not realize how I'm amplifying my inefficiency by expelling effort within the delay/procrastination suppression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify sleeping in within the domain of my mind while under the influence of morning tiredness energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight within myself as the various voices/backchat that are back and forth "do I get up/do I just sleep" not realizing that participating in this inner dialogue IS within the design of the resistance energy that pulls me back to my pillow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am choosing to place my head back down on the pillow through accepting and allowing that resistance energy to direct me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize and stand as one and equal with the energies of my mind, taking full responsibility for my actions, instead of blaming my actions on a mind in separation of who I really am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my mind for my behavior.
--
When and as I see myself delaying a responsibility, I stop I breathe. I realize that if I initiate damage control by trying to hide from my decision to postpone a task, I am being dishonest with myself and creating consequences that I don't want. I commit myself to assist and support myself when operating within a delay, to either face the resistance and do the 'dreaded' task, or engage in other prioritized tasks within an agreement with myself to accomplish the delayed task at a specific time frame.

source

When and as I see myself debating and justifying why I should go back to sleep in the morning, I stop I breathe. I realize that in this state of mind, I am unfit to make a stable decision. I commit myself to sit up and breathe until the resistance energy is not the sole director of my decision. As I consider all that I could be doing with my day and as the resistance is no longer overwhelming, I will allow myself to go back to sleep if that seems needed. For now I am on a probationary period of one month. If this point becomes an issue again, I'll make adjustments.

When and as I see myself blaming my mind for my behavior, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am the mind, that there is no separation, that no one but me alone is responsible for my behavior. I commit myself to assisting and supporting myself to identify each relationship point of blame/separation  between myself and my mind, so that I can and will walk the correction. The solution as standing one and equal with one's own mind, accepting the responsibility of one's own reactions, even though it seems out of our control, it isn't. I commit myself to accepting the responsibility for myself and in so doing, showing others that they can too: Operation Disband Victim Culture.

This isn't over yet. In fact, it's good practice to not think that any of my transcendence points are over because if I do, then I'm probably wrong. The desire to be done is a more potent thought generator than the absolute silence of true transcendence. I commit myself to persist in demystifying the resistance of self-change so that I & WE, equal as one, may walk this self-corrective process more effectively. Thanks.

Day 299 - Doing one thing, Thinking about another

The concept of thinking about 'other' stuff when one is doing something else: it is a quandary. While enjoying the morning sunshine, I was thinking about this concept and amused by my meta-ness. I realized that this type of separation from the moment here is widespread and pervasive. I also made a connection to self-doubt: If I was confident that I can and would do all that I need to do when I'm doing it, I would have no impulse to figure out what to do in advance.

Elaborating with an example: Here I am. Thinking about the near future. Why? I don't trust my future self, I am uncomfortable with uncertainty, I am worried/anxious, and it can be a source of motivation for the initial movement from here.

These are the initial justifications that come up supporting separation. Lacking self-trust, relationship with uncertainty, anxious/worried, and practical motivation. It's interesting to look at it now and see all the different movements, whereas in the past when I've seen myself doing one thing and thinking another, I would just focus on that practical motivation justification and dismiss the investigation with "well I must think about what I'm doing next." I realize now that many of my wandering journeys into thought are brought into motion by deep seated personality dynamics that I've spent little to no time investigating. So if I don't want to be a particular personality that manifests from a subconscious layer, I must give myself the time to map that personality and discover the inner workings of it/me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide the totality of myself behind a single justification and not realize it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to emphasize and stop at the contemplative solution that makes sense and requires no further effort or self-change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that I can't give up my daydreaming.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I need to think about the future because if I do not, then I will do nothing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that I can accomplish what is already on my to do list, given that I have allowed myself enough time to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I do not trust myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am worried and anxious when I begin thinking about what I will do later on.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the uncertainty I have of myself, my direction in the future, and what that implies: abdication of self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need to know everything now.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to know and control my future now.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope I will do what I want to do, instead of realizing my responsibility to practically do that I want to do.

When and as I see myself justifying a personality or opinion that I have about myself, I stop I breathe. I realize that I may very well be missing something when I sense myself in fight/argument mode with myself. I commit myself to checking myself to see if I am emotionally invested in a contemplative solution, and if so, breathe and check myself again within self-honesty.

When and as I see myself thinking about what I have to do today from an anxious state of mind, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am here right now, and I will be able to appropriately direct myself within a task when the time comes. I commit myself to spending time with myself here in this moment, to face me in self-honesty.

When and as I see myself worried about my ability to accomplish the tasks of my future, I stop I breathe. I realize that to frantically try to walk all the steps of my future tasks in my head instead of enjoying my breakfast, for example, is a futile waste of energy. I commit myself to breathe myself back to the moment here, and take a practical stance to assess how I will need to structure my day / budget my time.

Each of these components will need to be minded. I commit myself to watching myself keenly when and as I see myself in thought in separation of the moment here. This is going to be an interesting sub-journey, as I've long thought it impossible to stop thinking / worrying about my immediate future. Challenge accepted. Game on. Come at me Mind! Show me what you're made of! :)

picture from here

Day 272 - Success and Failure pt.8

Continuing with:
Day 264 - Success vs Projected Success
Day 265 - Success and Failure pt.1 - Imagination Dimension of Success
Day 266 - Success and Failure pt.2 - Opening Resistance to Success
Day 267 - Success and Failure pt.3 - Spiraling Distraction
Day 268 - Success and Failure pt.4 - Components of Resistance
Day 269 - Success and Failure pt.5 - The Critical Moment
Day 270 - Success and Failure pt.6 - The Direction Question

Day 271 - Success and Failure pt.7 - Externalized Directive

Yesterday I started exploring where and when I have abdicated my responsibility to direct myself. I found that there are many specific subjects/scenarios/situations that I let my mind simply choose my path, as if on auto-pilot. There are many ways that I allow my mind to day dream off into other things that I could be doing, other than the current task at hand. For example, since I've begun writing this paragraph, I've wanted to shower...but first maybe go for a run...and then I think about what points I want to write about for the rest of this post...and tomorrow. My focus in the moment wanders without my permission..

Is that what's really happening? Or am I making subtle choices to go into thought about what I want to do/write next?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my mind, as a separate entity than myself, for making my mind wander, and so placing self as a victim of my mind that was created from my past. Wow. This is probably how everybody dodges the responsibility of self's choices. I have this awareness of what I know is the self-responsible thing to do, but then the desire steps in to suggest I do otherwise. NOW, the interesting thing: I place myself as a victim of my own desire. I separate myself from the desire. And within that, I place myself as inferior without even realizing this whole process.

All the while I have completely forgotten about my breath, forgotten that I am here, and my mind continues to have this internal battle, friction of right and wrong...but the curious thing here is that the purpose of this internal friction seems to just charge the desire. Back and forth until my argument for the desire wins.

This is a real problem. I could have just accepted that I have a hard time focusing and spent the rest of my life trying to focus, potentially medicating with mental aids like Adderall. Fortunately, I've been able to rely on my "do or die mode" to get the important stuff done when it matters. Doubly fortunate, I've stumbled upon an effective method of self-investigation through self-forgiveness to strengthen and bring my directive principle back to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my mind and become a victim of my desire, not realizing that I am the creator of that desire.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my responsibility in having programmed my own mind to desire certain things based on past experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to accept that I am responsible for my desires.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to follow my desires when experiencing resistance toward writing/work, and within this I apologize to myself (I am sorry) that I have been foolish and let myself go when even faced with a little resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up and give into my programming, to relinquish myself to the internal energies that I have structured to suit my self interest and that which makes me feel good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider how much my past influences who I am now, and in this, for forgetting that I created my perspective from past experiences and as the creator, I am responsible for all of me.

When and as I see myself within an internal battle, creating friction between two wants, I stop I breathe. I realize that I know what I really want to do is aligned with what's best for all (and me), and that by participating in the internal debate, I am actually building the argument for the self-compromising desire. I commit myself to live here, and continually bring myself back here, to my breath, when I make self-directive decisions.

I commit myself to make self-honest agreements with myself.

I commit myself to stop trying to spin/justify my choices without being self-honest and considering the whole picture, including the consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate the act from the consequence.

I commit myself to realizing the connection between the act and the consequential outflow when making a decision to move or speak. (thought, word, deed...interesting how I left out the thought dimension of this commitment...not ready?..thought dimension to come)

I realize that some of my commitments seem 'ideal' and may to some readers seem impossible. I commit myself to share with my readers my entire 7 year journey to life, the entire process of deconstructing my internal mind programs and recreating them with awareness of what is best for all.

I commit myself to continually investigating where my commitments do not hold up. This relates to 'failure' and my whole failure character. More on this tomorrow!

When and as I see myself experiencing resistance toward my work, I stop, breathe, and realize that I am now within a system/program where my goal is to abdicate my responsibility to be self-directive. I commit myself to write about resistance as it comes up. I commit myself to further exploring the starting point of that resistance. I commit myself to also explore the desirable distractions that I turn to when resistance comes up to investigate that side of the equation and find out how I've created that desire in the context of my past.

I commit myself to giving myself plenty of time to work this all out for myself. This is not a race. This is me effectively applying myself in every moment, every breath. This is me having fun! :)

For a cool, related perspective:

This interview nicely depicts
self-change vs self-compromise.

Day 269 - Success and Failure pt.5

Continuing with:
Day 264 - Success vs Projected Success
Day 265 - Success and Failure pt.1 - Imagination Dimension of Success
Day 266 - Success and Failure pt.2 - Opening Resistance to Success
Day 267 - Success and Failure pt.3 - Spiraling Distraction
Day 268 - Success and Failure pt.4 - Components of Resistance

Today's focus is letting go of my attachments to the design of resistance when I'm faced with work. I've already begun to bring awareness into the critical moment. Because of all the writing I've been doing on this point, I'm finally starting to slow down and stop the resistance driven movement and bring my attention back to the work that I am facing. My goal is to do this consistently. To accomplish this goal, I must not rely on hope or waiting for myself to get my act together because I realize that it is my active participation with myself that determines who I am as a directive principle of self. 'Hope' is a mental diffusion of responsibility. I can't wait any longer because I now realize how the design of waiting contributes to delay / procrastination.

Through this mini-series, I've come to a point where my awareness of what is here, as who I am in my relationship to work, and from here forward it is my responsibility to take the next step: Living the correction. I've not discovered and written about each and every point that is related to this character / behavior pattern, so when the specific points come up, I'll support myself by writing in my side journal to investigate why. By so doing, I am living the correction of active participation within my process of self-purification.

I commit myself to stop at no hurdle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall and create a perception of myself as a failure. Within this I realize that by marking myself as a failure when I fall, I am creating myself as a failure and creating a spiral of negativity as I move my thoughts into living application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I manifest my negative thoughts about myself (i.e. failure, doubt, general inability).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure and to act within this fear by not acting so I won't have to risk failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define failure as bad/negative, not realizing how my perception of failure is what is keeping me from transforming a fall into a moment of learning and growth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself within resistance energy as I look for excusable, desirable distractions/deviations from my intention to responsibly apply myself within work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it is difficult to stay focused and that this is because of reasons that are outside of my control / creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my positively charged desires and my negatively charged resistances. I commit myself to realizing my responsibility for the internal movements that are charged +/- instead of subscribing to the illusion that these forces are out of my control / jurisdiction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by internally charged relationships without fully understanding why I am moving myself. I commit myself to continue bringing awareness to situations where I do not fully understand my motivations behind behavioral inclinations.

When and as I see myself mentally processing to find a justification for something that would take me away from my work, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is the critical moment where I may decide abdicate the responsibility of self-direction by giving into the persuasive, internal, energetic game of tug-o-war, or to stand up within the stability of myself and exercise my ability to direct myself in each and every here-moment.

I commit myself to the realization that I am so very able to stop the energetic movement of resistance / desirable distraction. This internal movement is an energy program that I had, indeed, set into motion at some point in my past. I must take responsibility for my creation. I will release the programming that no longer suits my interest, which has shifted from solely self-interest, to now include what's in the best interest of ALL. I commit myself to release my outdated energetic programming with living self-forgiveness statements.

AND NOW, this is the point of achievement. This is the point of success. This is the moment of truth:

Who am I in the critical moment?

I commit myself to practicing the living application of the awareness, realizations and insight that I arrive at through writing in my Journey to Life blog.

I commit myself to show others the purpose of the Journey to Life blog is to prepare for actual, living self-change by practically applying myself in the process of bringing self-awareness through into living self-correction.

Flickr credit

Day 261 - Why wouldn't I break through the wall?

Continuing from yesterday: Day 260 - Breaking through the Wall

I've been writing a bit about this on the side, and I realize that there is a lot that goes into this force that the wall represents. Even inherently in the example, there is separation between myself and the wall.

Today's post is primarily about where I've found the illusion of separation playing out within my mind, as me in relation to overcoming a challenge, breaking through the wall, the resistance. For the longest time, I've been operating with the thought that I am special..and what are the consequences of that?

• I require to uphold a positive reputation in alignment with that
• I need other's to reflect that I am special
• When that doesn't happen, I am living & breathing my fear of failure/inferiority

Art by Kelly Posey

This thought is a killer. It kills my life, haha. It's not cool, and I commit myself to decomposing this system design. I realize that this will not happen fast. I realize that if this one particular system is allowed to exist within me, I will realize the consequence as a first hand experience of failure, failure to act.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think so highly of myself that if I were to fail, I would be ashamed and embarrassed, not able to recover, loss of self-definitions as "smart/cool/superior/able."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I've separated myself within and as my ego, an imagined self that is shiny and perfect. This here is an essentially key. I hold myself as something superior within me. I've created this personality of striving to be that because I FEAR THAT I AM NOT.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be great, wonderful, spectacular; not realizing that for this desire to exist, I embody the lack of these qualities. This system feeds into all of my interpersonal relationships where I am attracted to those that poses those qualities, so that I may learn them myself. In this, I now realize that by doing so, I am placing myself as inferior.

This is interesting. So, I could go my whole life climbing this ladder of power/coolness, all with the starting point of fearing what's inside me - this fear that I am less, I am inadequate. And heck, I could probably do a good job, I've been pretty successful with the personalities I've created for myself. It's like a suit for social situations. Only sometimes I hear myself thinking that "I can't do it" that I'm unable or not worthy. I have a little theory that the most successful people in the world are the most dishonest with themselves. That was my destiny. That was my version of success. That is how I learned to play the game of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make life into a game.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to move fast through process because I am special and able and I want to prove that to everyone, not realizing how I am compromising myself by separating myself from physical reality through/within my idealized ego representation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am my ego. And in this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my inner self-image through facing the reality of myself which is often in alignment with the contrary. I live in fear. I am motivated by fear to show myself that I am not what I fear.

When and as I see myself motivated by fear to live out a scenario that is in opposition to that fear so that I can prove to myself that I am not this fear, I stop...I breathe. I realize that this inner struggle to trump my fear by acting in opposition to it, is the wall living it's purpose. My barriers are born of this internal battle. This friction is the composition of the wall in may cases.

I commit myself to stop making life a game where I require to overcome fear of failure by force and through dependency of my self-definition being my ego - the externalized self, based on how I perceive others to perceive me.

When I stop trying to uphold a tailored self-image of success, I give myself the space to work with the fear, forgive the fear, let it go, and create a self that is a living expression of success within and without, one and equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my inner reality of fear of failure/inadequacy is my reality and thus brought to life. As within - so without.

I commit myself to, at the end of the day, begin a process of taking a look at who I have been within myself during the events of the day. This reflection will serve to bring awareness to where I still allow my personalities to take the wheel because of a fear that I am still attached to.

And I let the writing flow. Self-honesty in every breath, here I come.

Day 250 - Dangerous Desire

I've been hesitant to open up the desire point for a long time. Simply because I fear to lose what I desire, come to find out, this is already inherent within the desire. I listed to some solid EQAFE support related to desire, giving it some perceptual context. If either of these call out to you, When Desire Becomes Overwhelming & Why Obsession takes over when Meeting someone New, they are worthy, supportive purchases. I'll share a few of the realizations I had from listening (while bike riding:) to these two interviews, as well as a few insights I picked up from simply studying the desteni material.

There are a lot of dimensions to desire (taste, sex, money, and everything within that), so I'm going to stick to writing about my key realizations today, and just go deeper in my writing as I go deeper in life.

- Desire is Lack
I desire money because I do not have money. Simple. I desire love and affection, because I do not give them to myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself love and affection, believing that I can only get this from another.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire money, not realizing that I have to do work to make money. I commit myself to the realization that I give myself value through and by hard work.

- Desire is not based in Reality
I desire the half naked model in the magazine. I desire a point of experience in separation of all the steps it takes to get there (i.e. sex)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be with a virtually unobtainable model in a magazine purely based on image and imagination.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine sex-compatibility when I first meet a girl, based on her image/voice and how that might play out in the bedroom, never giving myself the change to meet people unconditionally as living equals.

- Desire is inconsiderate of the physical
I desire another Reese's Egg. I desire to eat cereal instead of finishing my blog first.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to simply allow the energy of taste-desire to move me against my will, and within that forgetting to breathe and stablize.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my desire for escape by fighting within myself and ultimately giving into the growing/overwhelming energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay a project of self-direction because of resistance coupled with desired outlets. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to empower resistance and desire by moving within them and not taking an actual, directive stand to breathe and be here with my choices, instead of going into an internal mind chatter-debate where the initial desire energy compounds and wins more often than not.

- Desire is one dimensional, and childlike
I want this. I want that. My beingness is engulfed and fixated by a single point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the inability to not mature and take into consideration a much bigger picture to make an educated, stable decision based on all affected relationships.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing an experience that I desire, not realizing that the fear contributes to the desire drive in the first place.
--
When and as I see myself within desire, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is an energy experience that will snowball and become very hard to stop if I do not find stability in the physical existence that is here. I commit myself to questioning myself: Where do I perceive lack within myself?

When and as I see myself desiring to have sex with the idea of someone, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am obsessing over someone without any real context to my daily life. I commit myself to stop recklessly pursing women based on desire for sex without regard of all related aspects of that journey.

When and as I see myself craving for more candy, I stop I breathe. I stop and breathe for awhile. Really be here with myself. I realize the suppressive internal fight only strengthens the desire energy as all too many times I have given in with, "I don't care about the indistinguishable consequences, go for it." I commit myself to realizing what I am really doing by giving into desire. I commit myself to realizing that I am strengthening energetic desire by participating within it, either by just giving in and going with it or by internal friction-conflict-suppression fighting with it/myself as it.

When and as I see myself fixated on obtaining one item of desire. I stop I breathe. I take a moment to consider where I am, and what I am doing, what else I should be doing, and why. I realize that it's easy to get lost in desire, identifying with it so closely that I become possessed-like as I move with desire. I commit myself to utilizing my breath and self-forgiveness to remove myself from the energetic fixation, and release the pattern of repetitive desire/lack/fear.

Thanks.

"If you become emotional (angry, sad, fearful, anxious etc.) or experience feelings (love, desire, happiness etc.) – know that you are allowing yourself to be directed and controlled by consciousness as your mind as what you have defined yourself as."

- The wiki

picture credit

Day 247 - Simple Breathing & Living Application

There is this perspective that if you are aware of your breath...go ahead try it right now...really...stop reading and take a solid breath. STOP HERE, and breathe.

Now, how fast did you begin reading this next paragraph. Did you not want to participate? Were you aware of that moment from the breath perspective that everything stood still, in motion. It's not like we can't function when we are aware of our breathing. On the contrary, I have a more stable sense of direction when I take a breath and move from there.

Here is a fellow JTLer that posted this great point of support just before I started my JTL:
4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

It's a very well written example of how to slow down and see who self is in a moment. What I've noticed in the past few minutes of bringing myself back to my breath is that there are many thoughts racing through my head at pretty much any given moment. The thoughts move me and yet, I do not consider where they come from. Automated thinking patterns from an unknown origin. The cool part is that I can figure it out.

Imagine calling out a friend. How easy is it to see their flaw or their biased starting point? Now, imagine becoming self-accountable for each of self's thoughts. Where they come from? To source every reaction, every mind initiated starting point, being brutally honest with self in every moment of awareness..

Seems impossible. Or rather perhaps the most challenging challenge of life. Whatever. I'm doing it. I'm excited to see what 7 years of self-honest self-investigation reveals about who I am. And I'm stoked for the mindful reader as well. This blog is already becoming a solid document of self-change...oo, and interesting point to consider:  Where it is not, is to be reevaluated. Why have I not yet produced change in self (i.e. nail biting habit)? Where can I dig deeper? How can I understand the processes behind my predictive programming? Yes, the tools and prep work that is this writing.

So my blog stands for self-investigation for all to see as well as a document of self change. I've been too focuses on the former, and my self-change has been something I've been waiting for to happen, not realizing that I actually have to do the leg work and make it happen, as I opened up yesterday.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself within and as every breath from the self that is here writing. There is a disconnect between the realizations and living the correction. This point must be investigated until I am effective in this regard to stop wasting time from an energy loaded, perspective spewing writing that results in no self-change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my daily living with out the simple awareness of my physical breathing.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to slow down within the awareness of my breath to give myself the chance to really see who I am in that moment, how I am reacting to what, why. I realize that I can't hide the truth of self's existence within the brutal self-honesty that is here with every breath.

I commit myself to stop writing because I have to, and start writing to support and facilitate self-change through self-realization.

When and as I see myself within a strong emotion or thought chain, I stop I breathe. I realize my breath. I commit myself to breathing until I make a stable movement, practicing the living of what is best for me and all in that moment.

Day 240 - Timing and Responsibility in my Hands

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into place with energy in such a way that I only know how to move within energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel lonely when I do not have a positive energy guiding me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I know how to be successful only within and through energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to take responsibility for myself from a starting point of what is here physically.

At the moment I am experiencing a bit of tiredness, ran around a lot today, and with this tiredness, I am frantically searching for viable distractions, my mind races with ideas to not have to face what is here, which is the physical keystrokes and this computer screen. As I sit and choose not to participate in the distractions, I realize that I have to use like an inverse energy experience of imagining the dissatisfaction I would have with myself for indulging in the non-productive time sinks. For example, I could go down the stairs and eat some chocolate ice cream with peanut butter and watch a little of whatever my mother is watching on the television. I would typically just go for it through justifying it with backchat, "it won't that that long."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that each moment and activity related to delay add together and accumulate. I do not want to be accumulating the consequence of a immediate desire fulfillment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my responsibility into the hands of my future self, believing that I will be be able to just do everything later. This is not leadership. This is sneaky form of complacency. "Oh, I'm so able, I can just do it later." There is this underlying belief that I do not need to work as hard right now because I can catch up to the average work ethic. It's a perpetuation of my past ability to work under pressure and get things done at the last minute. This method seemed to free up a lot of time for the cost of being in slave-mode for only a brief sprint at the end.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delude my potential production by subscribing to the belief that I only need to just get by and fit in with the majority. At the same time, I had held the belief that I was a top tier human being, I was just to afraid to fail, so I had never put myself out there within leadership roles. I had inverted. I focused on becoming an effective leader of myself. It seemed like a smart choice, but what happened was no real accountability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others as less than me purely so I could feel like my imagined greatness of self was legitimate, not realizing that others were actually showing me myself. All this time I have been building this self-concept, and only occasionally acting to achieve my goals. There was always more time..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay the responsibility I have toward myself in developing my talents and abilities through applying myself in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on external motivation to produce.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the extent of self-compromise at play through participating within my ego and believing I am who I think I am.

It's a curious thing, this allowance of my internal make-believe world as a reference point and a starting point. As I progress in diffusing the charges of limited perspective inherent in these personality programs, I start to wonder how I ever could have been so foolish, but that's just another program of self-criticism. The reality is, the chain of events that lead me to where I was and am today. All things considered, there is no secret. Only responsibility to direct oneself to support what is best, best for all.

I will continue to decipher my resistance in being a responsible citizen of this earth so that I may become increasingly effective within stabilized self-motivation and share with you how I did it. Thanks.

wikimedia pic

The direction of the world is related to how much responsibility

the individual is willing to take.

Day 223 - Physical Postural Correction

I was fortunate enough to get a massage today, and there was a rather interesting statement made by the masseuse: "If you do not change your posture, you will just go back to the way you were." Meaning, all the work she was doing on the connective tissue was merely a release, and that my structural posture will only hold the correction if I strengthen the weak muscles. Instantly, I related this to my blog yesterday about the 2 parts of process: 1) Self-forgiveness & 2) Corrective application.

I even said to her, after giving a little context that massage is like self-forgiveness in how both are a release. Massage is a physical release of a holding pattern, and self-forgiveness is a mental release of a behavioral pattern. BUT, if I want to follow through with actual self change, in both cases I must put in that extra work. I have to move me into the correction. Physical posture correction requires the proper strengthening exercises and awareness of the physical, and stopping habits requires the will to stick to that decision in every moment.

So, how else do these two processes relate? The massage/self-forgiveness releases patterns as well as brings awareness. I didn't know my physical posture was misaligned and unsupportive, just as I didn't know my perspective was misaligned and unsupportive. There is also the relationship that when posture is aligned, my body is more supported and healthy, and thus I will be better able to replicate this in the mental realm.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to care less about my body than my mind, not realize that they are one and equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when my mind has wandered in separation of my body to the extent that I don't realize my physical posture.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to utilize my mind in separation of my body. This is how we are all existing, and this is what needs to change. The practical corrective application for this is walking the investigation process who we are as mind and living the correction through. The second part of living the correction is going to be a challenge. Are you up for it?

--

When and as I see myself occupying a mental space without awareness of my body's positioning, I stop I breathe. I realize that the ideal in this situation is to be living one and equal with my physical and my spoken word. I commit myself to supporting my physical body through postural awareness, and in turn, my body will support me in being able to walk through resistance.

When and as I see myself disregarding my physical body, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am my physical and without it, I wouldn't be able to experience my mind. So, this mind before body delusion has to stop. I commit myself to first considering my body before I venture off into any mental space. I commit myself to practicing this repeatedly, and to remain as breath when realizing a fall, not getting upset with self-failure energy possession that totally compromises my ability to get back up after a fall.

I commit myself to my commitments, even if I fall here and there.

photo from: wikimedia

Day 212 - It's My Work

Continuing with the point from yesterday: Day 211 - Work for Me and many posts related to Delay.

Breaking news!

I've reached an insight that I can really work with.

Note: I commit myself to not work this up and have it turn into a temporary energetic high. (Note2: I may have already, keep flag set for this point of externalizing motivation source)

The culmination point of my writing efforts. I credit myself, Anu 152, and one of my critical friends. Myself for investigating this point for what was starting to seem like forever. The EQAFE interview for that final push of insight regarding self-change and who I am in process. And my friend for asking, "why don't you work in a soup kitchen?" I took this question into consideration to find a motivating concept I now coin: The soup kitchen opportunity cost evaluation of time usage.

Through in a bit of self-reflection in my side journal, and out comes a familiar realization in a new light. It's essentially the same points I found in Day 192 at the beginning of the month. So consider this post moving from discovery into application. So what is this (kinda) new realization?

I walk process for me.

Simple. Said it before. Today it clicked. This sentence is a note to self. And so is this one. I get it. You the reader can have fun reading, but that's your deal. My deal is am I writing for me in a way that practically assists and supports myself in realizing what I've accepted and allowed, so that I may effectively walk the specific process of self-change. Release the pattern and correct it. Self-forgive and live the correction.

Now, this is not the end of the road. Realize. As I typed "live the correction" right up here ^ I saw the mind move with backchat like "not always so easy." These points will be investigated. Who I am within the writing of these new laws of self, will be investigated as resistance arises. For now, a knock-out push of processing my realizations of the day.

-- Not For School --

--

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to aim for the bare minimum level of effort/work required to walk process. In this I now see that my starting point is in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place emphasis and the ultimate importance on how the external feedback judges my work. Life has always been about getting the good grades in school or getting others to praise me for doing "good work."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire others telling me that I am great at what I put my efforts to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need for this kind of positive validation from the hidden starting point of insecurity within me and my relation to my creations.

--

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form a relationship toward the Desteni group where I have put them in a similar position in my mind as I had with my grade-giving teachers. I believed that as long as I was getting positive feedback, I was doing great.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize this separation and its implications.

I forgive myself for not realizing myself as the only measure of self-honesty and self-trust that is relevant.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others' validation of my effort is required or needed in any way to be self-honest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself with being self-honest. Obviously, this will take time to facilitate as I break down the relationships, definitions, separations and limitations within myself. I commit myself to giving myself the time to do so.

--

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay work that is for others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realizing that I am only delaying my own process through procrastinating self-support points such as this writing. It's not what I do, but who I am within what I do. Why am I delaying? I give myself permission to take a break within a clear starting point of self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take breaks and delay facing myself, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate who I am within my resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have lived my commitment to walk process for myself through never have fully understood it meant. If I do not understand 'walking process for self' entirely, then I commit myself toward deeper understanding of where I am separating myself from my process within the context of motivation. In self-honesty, can I say that I am stable within a choice to support what's best for all, or am I still trying to hold onto the self-interested pursuit of separation and inequality for power/sex/etc.

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When and as I see myself placing my process in the category of "must-do for others and/or their perception of me," I stop I breathe. I realize this as a form of self-manipulation where I utilize a mentally constructed ultimatum to motivate myself from an external source. I commit myself to realizing when I am trying to manipulate and motivate myself from or through an unstable, external source point.

When and as I see myself unmotivated to walk process, I stop I breathe. I realize that none are free until all are free. I realize that there is still famine and poverty in the world. I realize I could be in a soup kitchen. I commit myself to pushing through the resistance of self-correction, so that I, sooner rather than later, become a stable point of living oneness and equality and able to take on more responsibility.

When and as I see myself resisting process for any reason, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is not failure. I realize that I am effective within my process on a point-by-point basis, and I commit myself to not allow resistance to turn into doubt and discouragement before I investigate the experience and pinpoint thee specific source.

When and as I see myself getting by with less than 100% effort put into my work, I stop I breathe. I realize that there is resistance inside of me. I commit myself to locating that resistance and moving with it into correction, not fighting with it. I commit myself to stop the internal battle that fuels the resistance, gives reason to it. One system of internal resistance is moved into self-direction with a simple instruction and follow through. Will I let the friction guide me away from it or will I understand it is only as powerful as my belief in it?

When and as I see myself expecting positive validation or receiving praise, I stop I breathe. I note my reaction. I commit myself to applying immediate self-forgiveness for the allowed experience in relation to my externalized judgement of my creation of work.

When and as I see myself performing work for others, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am here by my choice, and thus I am to blame/credit for my position. I commit myself to bringing myself back into myself as I work, realizing that my work is for me, and when it isn't, to stop, breathe and investigate my allowances within the specific work relationship.

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Thanks for reading, but as you now know, this is for me to stand up and support myself as life, and for all to bear witness. Thanks to me for being here. If you aren't yet supporting yourself effectively, leave a comment and I'll temporarily provide some support for you to get on your feet too :)

Day 192 - Why the Excuses?

"I'm so physically exhausted, I'd rather not write today."

My fingers can still move, so this is obviously an excuse. Why is there resistance? Well, at least I know that discovering why isn't more important than just pushing and willing self to write. Maybe the resistance is related to my initial excuse, as in, "I've already worked hard enough today." But, I can still do more, so in self-honesty, I'm dealing with laziness and excuses.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to uses excuses to attempt to justify my laziness. I realize that in a moment of self-honesty, I cannot cheat myself with a selected perception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to hide from myself that I am being lazy within my reluctance by readily accepting any available excuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take the easy route and do the bare minimum. I have realized that this won't cut it in this process of self-purification. The bare minimum work ethic really has no place here. Let's open this up a bit:

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     I have become well acquainted with just doing the bare minimum in relation to school work. Why? Because that all I had to do to go unnoticed and be successful. Also, I justified this brand of work ethic through the perception that school wasn't for me, but forced upon me. When I got to college, I was able to keep this up through the perception that this system only serves as a required portal into the society of 1st world people that were accepted by other 'higher ups.' I had always been more focused on my own personally directed line of study as it was for me and more interesting. I thought that I could be in and of the system, yet rebel against it at the same time. I did this by advancing/applying my 'smarts' toward innovation, creativity, dreamy business plans, and most importantly the spiritual/unseen realm. Interesting. I think this orientation came from wanting to be the best and having failed at that in the later years of school, I was trying to get my edge, my advantage over my peers, and I went for this by studying the less studied stuff. School was too mainstream and I wasn't going to be able to break free of the constraints if I stuck with that program. So, I decided to just get by and justified this by really applying myself elsewhere of my choosing. The problem is, now that I know where and why to focus my attention, I carried over the habit of procrastination, excuses and doing the bare minimum. And now, I know why.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to externalize process.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have made this process about something outside of me in/as/though the institutionalization of Desteni.

Oh boy, key realization.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame Desteni for my choosing to walk this process. By stumbling into their videos on YouTube 3 years ago, and not being able to discredit their message without being self-dishonest, I created a decision framework where I externalized my choice to continue: I remember specifically thinking "well, I've defined myself as a truthseeker, so I don't really have a choice to stop now." And this is the departure point. Other externalize reasons such as "this needs to be done for others," somewhere allowing a disconnect where 'best for all' conceptually didn't consider me. I tried to layer over this, but I never addressed my initial externalized framework for deciding to carry forward within my relationship toward Desteni. I never actually took a moment to undo the relationship frame to Desteni. Desteni is still separate from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to relate to Desteni in separation of myself, not realizing that in doing so, I made my process about them and their 'noble' and 'higher' mission. In doing this I, I allowed the bare minimum framework to plug right in, as my self-directed pursuit of Truth had turned into something more.

To be continued...