Day 422 - Self-Agreement

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to not go deeper in my relationship to walking process, to investigate the specifics of my application, and cross reference my effort level here with my utmost potential.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my process is not ever guaranteed, and within that, I require to motivate myself, to move myself every moment of every day.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I must have a clear starting point in walking my process FOR ME.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk my process within ego, as a show for others to see me as how I want to be seen, not necessarily as how I truly am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that I can conceal my ego-tainted starting point in walking process.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the consequence creation outflow of walking process within a starting point of ego, and so figure that it's fine, or not a big deal, so long as (some of) my physical decisions/actions are aligned with what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my process of principled living by concealing my stand within consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to understand why I want to walk process for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself desire to find an easier way to walk process.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to take 100% responsibility for the creation of my experience in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the principle of a self-agreement, and the process within it of merging and migrating my interests into the interests of what's best for all.

--

When and as I see myself walking process for anyone or any external force, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I MUST factor me into my self-movement first and foremost, and that if I am moving based on how I perceive others need or want me to move, I am not being self-honest, I am not considering me firstly or equally, and rather placing others before me, and so I will create inevitable failure and blame through participating in the illusion of not being responsible for myself. I commit myself to walking fully the correction process for this point.

Bonus link: http://wiki.destonians.com/Process_of_Self

Day 407 - Writing Confidence

It's coming to a boiling point. This is my 4th "Day 407" draft, and I'm ready to move past this writing hangup that's now gone on too long. In this post, I will begin to open up what's been holding me back, so I can finally face it and recreate my expression here forward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and empower the belief that I must write to a certain standard for my readers, and within that, compare myself to others in terms of having proper, grammatically correct, and/or just plain "better" writings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the value of my writing with a polarized energy of superior/inferior, and that if I deem it to be less than excellent by my own standards and judgment, I will abandon the writing, and never share it with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disgust inside of myself when I judge my writing/expression to be less than acceptable or straight up "bad."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my writing on the good/bad polarity construct, not realizing how I'm going into the mind-energy creation and experience; I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that I can stop it, forgive it, and direct myself despite it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and go into a positive energy experience when I judge my writing as 'good' or well above average.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand the importance of sharing my writings publicly.*

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become lost in the narrow perspective of my ego, either relishing in the positive-reinforcement thereof, or fighting to protect it from any negative associations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my writings are not or will not be good enough to publish for public reading.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand on the excuse of not wanting to write blog posts because I fear that I will compromise my standing in the world system when those in my personal-physical networks read these posts and formulate opinions and judgments about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away my power of self-acceptance by anticipating and fearing that others will not accept me, and thus I cannot accept myself.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect self-acceptance to the reflection of other's accepting me, not seeing, realizing and understanding how my own self-honesty within my relationship to myself is the ONE and ONLY place from which I can develop and live Self-Acceptance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself, become frustrated with myself, and hold myself in this self-sabotage pattern of fearing that my writing will not be good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize the cyclical trap of fearing and feeling that I'm not good enough, and in turn manifesting the physical living of not being good enough. I commit myself to END the construct of not being good enough.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I've accepted and allowed myself to fall into this negative feedback and downward spiral of a fall that is this writing confidence point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify not posting publicly by writing privately.

*
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see clearly the purpose of posting publicly:

- To share my process

- To cross reference my process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others cross referencing my process because I know that I'm not living self-honestly in every moment, and thus still am not walking my process to my utmost ability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposure and transparency because I know my ego cannot exist the way it has been with fully integrated honesty and integrity from all perspectives.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not staying on topic, and within this, for creating a resistance toward blogging because I tend to open up points in a way that don't stay within the self-imposed boundaries of the blog title.

Ok.

I commit myself to write in this blog at least every other day.

(Wow. I have a lot of reactions going on inside of me with that one commitment statement. I'll open that up in the next post.)


When and as I see myself going into a self-judgment while composing a blog / walking my writing process, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I cannot compare myself to anything, in this self-honest process of perfecting myself. I commit myself to transmuting perfection-comparison energy into a physical resolve and motivation to walk the self purification/perfection process.

I commit myself to moving within a self-acceptance and knowingness that I am not perfect, that it's ok if other's laugh at me or talk bad about me with their peers. (ridicule point)

(Overwhelmingness feeling: too much information in my blog to keep it all nice and neat, connecting all the points to each other - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed by the information as I look at it in my mind, forgetting that all I must simply do is Breathe and move within each and every breath - point by point, from beginning to end)

I commit myself to living within the realization that the writing and creations that I bring into the physical reality are me, and within this realization, I commit myself to create a life that I can be proud of when I'm gone.

I commit myself to end the abusive squandering of my potential.

I commit myself to find and abolish the threads of complacency in my life.

I commit myself to producing tangible support structures for myself and all those who honor life.

I commit myself to bring my excuses into awareness and process through them with self-honesty and writing.

I see now. Writing isn't for my audience. I need me to write for me. It's the only way I'm going to be able to navigate through my mind.

And I'm committed to living with integrity in the pursuit of my ultimate WHY, so I best share my journey with you. Thanks.

pic credit

Day 392 - On Writing: Sharing is Caring

As everyone in the universe has or will have noticed that I've not been posting regularly in this Journey to Life blog, I now commit myself to rejuvenate my blogging initiative.

What does this mean exactly? Rejuvenate as in "Return to life," and Initiative as in "a new program or strategy for dealing with a problem." Writing in my Journey to Life blog is a personal process, shared with all. Writing on my own private computer journal has been trending recently, and I've made all kinds of justifications for why I write there and not here, publicly. No more!

I'm going to get back into the groove of unconditionally sharing my process and writing with you all because then you are able to hold me accountable and check my words. If you can relate to a mind pattern that I've opened up for myself, great. It's not fair to myself or others for me to keep my writing private, with the exception of sensitive subjects that common sense wouldn't allow for publishing. The main point, I'm here to do what is best for all, and sharing my process writing is best for all.

So, welcome back Dan!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have a coherent progression within my Journey to Life blog, and to have used this desire as an excuse to not write on the most salient process points on the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to first write privately and only later transfer the writing into a blog. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist editing and publishing previously written material from my private computer journal. In addition to the resistance, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like it is 'cheating' to "plagiarize" myself and not just write new material directly into Blogger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the negative perception I had toward copying and pasting my own writing as an excuse to not post at all. In this, I realize that the uncertainty and non resolution of this point within myself was leading me into a mental stalemate, a confusion that I didn't sort out, I didn't find a solution, I suppressed it, subconsciously figuring that I'd address it sometime. Not cool. If I let my mind move me into such suppressions, the problem persists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to write a perfect blog, and so create a resistance toward publishing until I've written a certain amount, found a picture, labeled the keywords, and crossed all the t's and dotted all the i's (as if that was a real problem these days)

If you haven't starting your writing process yet: lite.desteniiprocess.com

If you have, keep moving! :)

pic source

Day 253 - Post Breaking Point

Continuing from yesterday's post: Day 252 - Where Rubber Hits the Road, though I've been working on this point of self-directed, self-leadership since before the beginning of the year. See posts:
Day 160 - Basis of Self-Leadership for 2013 and Beyond! & Day 141 - Establishing Self-Leadership.
Prepare for a long post. I'm going to hit every angle I can in this moment, and also recognize whatever comes up while I'm writing. Like, I can even recognize how I'm loaded with this energy, wanting to get this all out in one moment. There is a feeling-undertone that I've already succeeded and overcome all obstacles all at once. It's like a positive feeling reaction to realization, insight. I realize this as an energy, and I'm ready to address it, here, in every lived moment of every breath.

I've been working to get myself grounded with the physical, to be here, and be the change I want to see within my living. A lot of my struggle has been with delay, and giving into temptation in the face of any experienced resistance. Check out my my Day 140 - Delay Point Expounded to see how I've expanded my perspective of how delay affects me in such a way that I give up on myself, submit, and give all of my power over into the mind energetic movements. This is the reality of me that I have been reluctant to face, a point that's reached a new level of clarity in my recent Day 251 - Embarrassing to Underperform post.

And now, I've reached a rather interesting and exciting point in my process. I have gone through enough material, built enough context and perspective to realize who I am in a moment. Through my own self-investigative writing, through reading heaven's blog (particular excerpts to follow), and through the totality of my participation within the Desteni group, I have reached an understanding of what I need to do. What is at stake in every decision moment. How I am able to get a grip on my inner quarrel. And it's not as easy as writing this post. (An assumption I had been making that came to surface yesterday)

The Desteni I Process is not a 'push play' procedure. It's more of structured way to begin really looking at self, to develop self-honesty so that we may stand up on our own feet and thoroughly investigate the totality of self. No more fear movement to self-distraction. It's a decision of free will, to stop the determined flow of our individual destiny of comfort/discomfort via external stimuli. There are a lot of things that it is and is not, so don't let my words be the extent of your comprehensive investigation. I can't effectively walk this process for anyone but me. The ultimate responsibility for self, is here as self. Ya, you!

EQAFE has been a major support within this current realization. A small snowball started a month ago when I listened to an interview that gave perspective on how I am Deliberately Sabotaging my Own Change. Today, I enjoyed my first listen to the Atlanteans' Support part 68 - The Living of Self Forgiveness, and this particular interview was of great assistance in seeing how to handle some of key struggle points in relation to living self-change.

Which brings me to my next point of support I wish to briefly outline. The recent (Day 321-335)  Heaven's Journey to Life blogs have been supporting this same point as the detail of self-change, self-movement, self-responsibility, the problems/barriers and solution. I've found then highly supportive and well worth the investment of time. Walking with heaven's blog reveals the nature of walking one's own process: Necessarily slow and thorough, as opposed to my earlier attempts to correct self with a quick, shallow investigation and writing of self-forgiveness. "Not so fast, tough guy!" I say to myself.

Here are some key selections that I found rather insightful:

Perhaps my favorite post of the series, and one I highly recommend a full reading of:
Self Change through Self Movement: DAY 332

"First and foremost – it is to not go into that energy polarity between fear of failure or laziness that then accumulate enough from the negative to then transfer into the positive as desire. We are not saying within this that “you are not going to become disciplined or successful” - You are going to change in becoming disciplined / successful, but it is going to be done within a starting point of a decision and a commitment. And from that decision / commitment, a self movement emerge in how you are going to change yourself to practical application; not with energy, but within an awareness, with self as a starting point, with a decision as a starting point - and from that self awareness, as decision, as a starting point: one will move self and not be moved or be dependent on energy to be able to move or to change."

The last post of the series, showing how we are like sleeping observes inside of ourselves:
Waking up from the Consciousness Dream world: DAY 335

"I forgive myself that I haven’t ever accepted and allowed myself to, REALLY for a moment STOP and realize that what comes up within me in my mind, my ME, my environment, my physical body: I am the directive principle of - meaning that, there is most certainly, most definitely not another human being within me, there is not another being occupying this physical body. Therefore, that I had never accepted or allowed myself to, really have a look at the power, the ability that I have within this relationship, to ME, in terms of what I accept and allow to exist within me, as me and what not. That it was like, I was in this constant, continuous slumber or sleep, within me – you know, registering what’s going on within myself, but not realizing that I have the ability to change it.And it’s actually exactly the same, now that I look at it, in terms of what happens in dreams. In dreams, we register that it’s happening, but we don’t realize that we can actually wake up in our dreams and direct them and change them. And so within this: I commit myself to assist and support myself to wake up within my relationship to myself, in what I accept and allow to exist within my ME, my mind, my environment, my physical body – to start registering, start realizing what it is that I’m accepting and allowing within and as it. Primarily seeing, realizing and understanding that the energy polarities of the positive and negative are most certainly not the solution. I decide to be here, to live here, to ground myself, to stabilize myself within my physical body, to explore and discover and find out what it means to express me, to live me, to know who I am in every moment of breath."

I could go on, but it's pretty difficult to take a paragraph out of context and preserve the impact it had on me. So, if you are struggling at all with self-change (as most of do), take some time to build perspective on how and why it's so difficult. To understand the difference of creating a character/personality within energy for temporary change vs. a stable commitment, is priceless information. Have slow read through What will it Take for Human Nature to Change?: DAY 329 for more on that.

To sum up my realization of the day/month/several months: I am the the only one standing in my way. I am the director of my moment-to-moment movements, as well as the one that allows myself to be directed by energy of the mind as fear, desire, resistance, and every variant of felt push/pull that isn't a stable directive application of myself. Here, as one and all, I choose to act in alignment with what's best within a common sense, comprehensive consideration for every point of affected out flow. Am I perfect? No, it is a process. We must embody patience if we're ever to give ourselves the chance to really become intimate with ourselves, and work through the the creation of our characters that prevent us from considering what's best for all.

In posts to come, I'll work through the structure of self-forgiveness and corrective application in a way that is practically lived. For now, I stop I breathe, I realize that within energy I can get ahead of myself and create ineffective time-loops of self education. I commit myself to begin really living my process, my change. Thanks for the support all.

Day 247 - Simple Breathing & Living Application

There is this perspective that if you are aware of your breath...go ahead try it right now...really...stop reading and take a solid breath. STOP HERE, and breathe.

Now, how fast did you begin reading this next paragraph. Did you not want to participate? Were you aware of that moment from the breath perspective that everything stood still, in motion. It's not like we can't function when we are aware of our breathing. On the contrary, I have a more stable sense of direction when I take a breath and move from there.

Here is a fellow JTLer that posted this great point of support just before I started my JTL:
4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

It's a very well written example of how to slow down and see who self is in a moment. What I've noticed in the past few minutes of bringing myself back to my breath is that there are many thoughts racing through my head at pretty much any given moment. The thoughts move me and yet, I do not consider where they come from. Automated thinking patterns from an unknown origin. The cool part is that I can figure it out.

Imagine calling out a friend. How easy is it to see their flaw or their biased starting point? Now, imagine becoming self-accountable for each of self's thoughts. Where they come from? To source every reaction, every mind initiated starting point, being brutally honest with self in every moment of awareness..

Seems impossible. Or rather perhaps the most challenging challenge of life. Whatever. I'm doing it. I'm excited to see what 7 years of self-honest self-investigation reveals about who I am. And I'm stoked for the mindful reader as well. This blog is already becoming a solid document of self-change...oo, and interesting point to consider:  Where it is not, is to be reevaluated. Why have I not yet produced change in self (i.e. nail biting habit)? Where can I dig deeper? How can I understand the processes behind my predictive programming? Yes, the tools and prep work that is this writing.

So my blog stands for self-investigation for all to see as well as a document of self change. I've been too focuses on the former, and my self-change has been something I've been waiting for to happen, not realizing that I actually have to do the leg work and make it happen, as I opened up yesterday.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself within and as every breath from the self that is here writing. There is a disconnect between the realizations and living the correction. This point must be investigated until I am effective in this regard to stop wasting time from an energy loaded, perspective spewing writing that results in no self-change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my daily living with out the simple awareness of my physical breathing.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to slow down within the awareness of my breath to give myself the chance to really see who I am in that moment, how I am reacting to what, why. I realize that I can't hide the truth of self's existence within the brutal self-honesty that is here with every breath.

I commit myself to stop writing because I have to, and start writing to support and facilitate self-change through self-realization.

When and as I see myself within a strong emotion or thought chain, I stop I breathe. I realize my breath. I commit myself to breathing until I make a stable movement, practicing the living of what is best for me and all in that moment.

Day 246 - Self-Awareness: Gift of Life

"And the most important point within this process is our awareness." - Sunette

The above quote is from a recent HJTL post Self Change through Self Movement: DAY 332, and it was a really cool point of support for the moments when the "I am useless" thought comes up. I encourage the curious to check this one out.

My actual living process has been... under-realized, in a way that I have a more clear sense of direction while I am writing, but when I get back to "normal life/living" the old habits and patterns start to emerge. And in this I realize that the writing process can only take me so far. The self-discovery tool of writing with that intent, is an outstanding method of self support. I gain clarity whenever I write in this proactively self reflective way.

Artwork by Carrie Tooley

What I think I have been missing is the part where the real work comes in. Because I can flow within writing. Sometimes more easily than others, but moving my realizations into practical living application...it's a whole different dimension of process. It takes an acute and persistent effort to change self.

And as I've walked through some various layers of resistance to this self-uncovering process, I haven't yet walked through much of the resistance that comes up in moment of actually living the moment of self-change. I have less experience in that regard. My whole life has been more go with the flow and maximize personal benefit from what I already have. Hard work is unfamiliar because I've not had to work hard to get by within my pre-existing flow of life circumstance. Now that I find myself over 245 days into a 7 year Journey to Life, I am facing every obstacle that I have ever suppressed.

What is now coming up is fear, inadequacy and various forms of holding myself back from acting to give myself Life. "I can't do it" is like a nagging backchat that is just there even if I don't want to believe it, so I fight it. "Oh yes I Can!" and sometime this works and sometimes the inferiority complex wins the internal battle. This is not stability. This is not an expression of who I am as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget who I am within a moment of breath as the awareness of self, here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go off into my mind with a false sense of confidence that I know whatssup because I am writing daily about how I see myself within mental patterns, and not yet realizing what it takes to bring written realization through into physical living. It takes commitment.

Real living commitments. A living agreement with self.

I commit myself to living self-change.

When and as I see my self-defeatist characters come up, I stop I breathe. Realizing that I have entered a mental space in separation of myself as life, here with my breath, I commit myself to bringing myself back to the moment of my in-breath, check how I am living, breathe out, and live in alignment with the principle of what is best for all.

I commit myself to stop wavering in and out of desire and fear, creating a tornado of uncertainty experience that fuels my inferiority, ineptness. Here, I commit myself to stop the accumulation this internal experience before it gets to the point that I am living that out, instead of the self-awareness that is here in every breath.

To not get overwhelmed. To not unwind into uselessness and delay. I stand.

I commit to stand. I commit myself to not beat myself up with a spiraling, self-inept belief. I commit myself to getting up and remaining steady within my self-investigation AND living self-correction.

Yea!

Day 224 - Process/Reality Disconnect

There are a few dynamics within my relationship toward writing this blog and the writing through self-forgiveness process, where I do not make a connection into reality. I've been writing about this a couple times already in how my commitments are either not holding or so simple and general that it requires virtually no effort on my part to uphold them. Fear.

I'm afraid to take this process into my own hands, because then it's real...yet that's what it takes. Why am I writing otherwise? To uphold an image of myself through the nature of publishing. I would like to get to the point where I am 100% working with these tools for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write myself out for all to see from a starting point of having to do it to uphold an image or tailor my online appearance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write for my online presence personality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate my online self from myself, here on the ground. This is a big point as I've been living a lie to certain degrees while I'm online. Tailoring my internet image to be as ideal as possible. This is not a full disconnect, and I do identify with my internet activities. The concerning issue is that there is a relationship to my online identity, and that it is not simply just me, as one with my online presence, expressing myself without effort.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize this disconnect earlier.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I can walk process with/through my online identity in separation of myself in my everyday physical reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid to express myself equally online and in real life. *needs expansion

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conceptualize online in contrast to real life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk process within an alternate mind dimension, separate from my breath, as who I am. There are a few reasons why I might do this, and it will require a deeper investigation. Why have I attempted to walk process within separation of myself? Ahhh, okay. (I am a fan of asking the self questions)
--
When and as I see myself attempting to walk process for any other reason than for myself, I stop I breathe. I realize that through this, I am moving through/with another character of mind. I commit myself to investigating the nature of my primary characters and writing a map for them so that I can effectively lead the investigation of myself for the purpose leading myself through self-change.

When and as I see myself attempting to walk process in separation of myself, I stop I breathe. I realize that this separation can be traced to a fear, as self-doubt, as a fundamental insecurity within that has guided me to strive to become better. I commit myself to walk this point through to completion to give myself the necessary insight into my inclinations for this mode of existence that has long been a starting point for all self-expression. I commit myself to walking myself back into my physical breath, and STOP this desire to prove to myself that I am not the weak/unable/inferior person that I believe myself to be.

When and as I see myself posting/publishing anything online as if it is NOT a an equal expression of self in my physical environment, I stop I breathe. I realize that the disconnect is an illusion perpetuated by a lack of understanding of the technology that is the computer/internet. I commit myself to treating each online action just as real as I would in my offline environment. No trolling for me!

flickr photo

Day 220 - Decoding Ego-Battle Tendency

Continuing from yesterday, I posted a once private entry from my first process journal. To sum it up: I have been belittling my brother and then everyone around me to varying degrees so that I could build up my own sense of worth/value. It's an ego thing, and regardless of trying to justifying it as "okay because nearly everyone does it," I am choosing to stand up and take responsibility for who I have accepted and allowed myself to become. Putting others down so I can feel up is not responsible living. Peace out ego of mine!

Layout (written in side journal):

• Desire to be better/more/superior
• Fear of being out of control
• Fear of inferior state being called out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be superior to others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize why I desire to be better/more than others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have control over my external world and interactions whenever possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being out of control in this context of being able to manage social outcomes.
In this, realizing that I have not ever been in control of myself...ahh, which makes sense that by attempting to assert control, the physical play out of that attempt was my focal point of establishing control within my world and reality. Nice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have been heavily placing my self-definition in the hands of the external.
This is all I've ever known. I have never trusted myself within myself. Always looking to others/external to find who I am. How did that start? Distrust of self...next blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to determine who I am from only the context of my external relationships. Who I am is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize who I am is here within every breath, not needing validation or definition from any externalized, reflected source.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am my reaction to other's reactions of me. And in this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shape/mold myself to manipulate my self-image in an attempt to invoke positive feedback from my external world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge up my positive self-concept through a comparison construct, where I have purposely berated others into the lesser position to confirm/validate my higher authority.
Why did I do this? Inferiority complex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others exposing my inner monologue of self-worthlessness.
Interesting how the fear and self-doubt is primary...then, naturally, I try to assert the opposite to override the internal fear. This self-interested program has no care for how others feel about themselves. 'Best for all' was no where to be contemplated. Thanks for the assistance Desteni group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize or care how I affect others and their relationship to themselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be in control of my world.
This is the crux.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be out of control within myself.
Process begins.
--
When and as I see myself out of control within myself, I stop I breathe until I am stable. I realize that by allowing this inner state of confusion to continue, I seek a solution outside of myself. I commit myself to empowering myself to change myself by taking responsibility of my inner experience and guiding myself through the process of writing, slowing down, stopping, and correcting self.

When and as I see myself desiring my external to act/be a certain, particular way, I stop I breathe. I realize that the desire to be in control indicates a past allowance point where I have felt out of control and attempted to regain control through my external. I commit myself to investigating why I wanted someone or something to act under my will.

..Just investigated a little. Power design. Desire for power, indicates a self-perception of powerlessness. Power is for control. Without control = potential failure & potential loss. Therefore, desire for power = fear of failure / loss. So, I commit myself to asking myself in moments of wanting control/power, "What do I fear?" I commit myself to following through with writing out my experience and realizations into self.

Bite by bite, layer by layer. I reveal myself  to myself in the physical, and through seeing who I have become, I make the choice to stop and correct myself. Patience in necessary. I've built one heck of a piece of work as the multidimensional personality constructs that predictably react to my environment. Fear is here, and until it is clear, I got work to do.

Thanks. I'll continue soon with an investigation of my inferiority complex and diminished self-trust.

If your curious about what Desteni is, I highly recommend this vehicle for self-realization.

photo credit

Day 217 - How I Was Able to Hear the Desteni Message

I vividly remember when I voiced my first philosophical question when I asked my mother,

"Why do I see out of my eyes?"

Alas, she knew not.

From that point on, I believe I had grounded my motivation to find answers within this reality. A burning curiosity set in. I needed to understand, and this developed into a desire to be understood. And so was born the Truth-seeking personality characteristic that became central to my existence. My curiosity of existence was largely, in part to my parents unobtrusive religious orientation. Perhaps, for that I am most thankful. When I got involved with the after school church groups, I could connect to socializing and playing the drums much more easily than I could with God. For whatever reason, I received no internal feedback from prayer. Maybe it was a case of underdeveloped faith, I don't know. All I knew, was that I could go home and get more tangible answers from my computer.

The internet search engine had been expanding my awareness since my pre-teens, and I to be quite good with keywords. Nearly all of my inquiries yielded a satisfactory answer, and I was solving problems left and right. So began a gradual process of investigating the unknowns. Hypnotism forums lead me lucid dreaming, which would be followed by a mutual interest in quantum physics with one of my high school buddies. What the Bleep do we know? lead me to The Secret and Law of Attraction. LOA was the beginning of my energy/spiritual obsession, buying up books like that was all that mattered. At this point I was firmly on a path of truth-seeking, addicted to finding information about metaphysical mysteries.

My spiritual ascension process become more expensive as I got more serious with it. I vividly remember the moment when I chose to pull the trigger on a $300 investment on this white powered gold product for "DNA activation" that would help me ascend more quickly. I had justified this cost in the name finding Truth, spiritual greediness, and a desire to be greater so I could ultimately better help others. Another $100 on some sacred geometry posters that were to be placed under the mattress and increase my vibration and learn my karmic lessons faster while I sleep. This was the capstone of my monetarily induced spiritual path.

December 2009, I find some rather intriguing YouTube videos of the portal. By that point, I had believed myself to have truth-seeking vision enabled, and when various beings spoke through this girl's body, I picked up on the sincerity in the voice and facial expressions. I became kind of obsessed in that same knowledge seeking way and spent the next two months just absorbing these videos. When I cross referenced my perception of sincerity from the videos with the key message of oneness and equality, I knew that this wasn't some new-age cult seeking to abuse my attention and take my money. Desteni put into perspective that I was already in the new age cult of spirituality, spending time, energy and money on becoming MORE.

Stopping my preprogrammed destined life of spiritual ascension was tough to let go of, but it was increasingly apparent that separating myself from others through raising my energy levels was not the solution to this world's problems. If any of the past truths lead to a actual solution that brought about world peace, then how could we still be in such a state of strife across the planet? I had realized, my personality had essentially been done before, and that was rather unsettling.

So the moment came when I asked myself: Do I just go onward with my promising life (my successful track record and ability to suppress fear and obtain desire), or do I really consider the implications of Oneness and Equality?

My favorite spiritual book at the time was called Oneness, but that book spoke nothing of practical equality. It fit right in with my ego design of wanting to become more, to become powerful, enlightened, special. It felt good to read it. While this Desteni stuff, not so pretty. More serious, and intriguing with the portal and all. At that point, I was not ready to take responsibility for all, as one and equal. But I also couldn't just turn a blind eye to this unfavorable message or else I would have to also throw away my defining personality characteristic of truth-seeker. And I did consider that. I recall thinking about other, more mundane life/career paths.

I had decided. No way was I going to let truth that I don't like stop my truth discovery process altogether. That would be shameful. And I just couldn't bear the thought consciously moving forward with intentional ignorance toward a point of truth that I had glimpsed and not liked. Cowering in fear wasn't my style. Fighting from fear wasn't either. I was all about understanding, and I didn't understand oneness and equality. So I patiently continued my investigation of the Desteni material.

For additional perspective

Eventually, I learned that I only I can walk my individual process of self-investigation, and that Desteni is only a point of assistance and support. And without discovering Desteni, I would never have started this proactive and comprehensive self-honest investigation of self through writing. I saved a lot of time and money because Desteni interfered with my destiny, and in turn, I strive to save us all time and money by writing my Journey To Life publicly. Investigate. Read. Enjoy.


See you tomorrow for the dismantling of my truth-seeking personality design.

Day 210 - Shifting Motivation Source

I'm beginning to realize more the extent to which I've been relying on time pressure to get stuff done. This whole delay system fuses and takes over when I am not directing myself. I've started by writing and working with mostly the outside layers, that which is readily apparent. I yearn to dig deeper but have been reluctant primarily because I don't think I have the capability to completely uproot and disintegrate some of these more deeply ingrained patterns. It's an illusion.

In reality, I have the tools and the knowledge required to work with myself, investigate myself, find and release the personality patterns that do not support me and what is best for all. Yesterday, I went a little deeper into this overwhelmingness factor that stops me from digging because there is too much to dig. Another illusion. The only way to clear the giant pile is with one spade full at a time. So, this form of resistance is actually manifesting the underlying fear: that I won't be able to do it. I'm effectively rendering myself ineffective through allowing this fear to move my body to put down the shovel and think "too much."

Today, I want to apply this dynamic to really shifting my motive, my focus within this process of self investigation. Apathy has taken hold, just a little bit, but that's apparently enough to have me place this process in a similar position as I did with school work. Something to dread and delay until the last minute, where I would then be forced to produce work.  So my motivation has been determined by time. Why?

I've lightly discovered that it has to do with an externalization of reward. When my work is clearly benefiting me, I have no motivation issues. I really enjoy getting ahead of the life game. Interesting.

So, here I am. A new, shiny Destonian, pushing through resistance and writing about who I am. I'll admit to writing (quite a bit, actually) about who I'd like to be. And in this, I've essentially been rushing to get to the end result of self-change. There is an anxious thing going on here. And this anxiety, this haste, this desire to B-line it to the end, it's not effective. I am manifesting failure and then allowing that to amplify my fear of failure = discouragement. All illusion.

So what's the bottom line here? I've got an externalized source of motivation problem. I must bring it back to self. When I'm doing something for me: boom, bam, presto, done...er, well, the first thought that came to mind as I typed "boom, bam presto, done," was a flash image of another giving praise to me for having completed my work well. So, I guess I've even convoluted my internal motivation. And look here: I've been walking process for myself, and also I have misplaced my motivation within that, thinking that this blog is a necessary, expected piece of work. So there's a flipply-flop going on here, and I need to sort this erroneous perceptive out because it's affecting my process progress.

cc

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define "doing work for me" as that which yields praise from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach importance and priority to another giving me praise, where in this I have been motivated to do work / self-improve only when I get praise from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within external praise moments, real and imagined.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought-image of another praising my work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought image of another praising my work to importance/priority, that which motivates me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to externalize my motivation through this thought of anticipated positive feedback/reward from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach praise to primary motivation. Wow, through this I have made many decisions. (next thought is: extent of participation, then will take patience to clear this system)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I've accumulated thoughts attached to feelings that affect my decision process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this process must be walked for me alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I've externalized my motivation within process. Delay -> Time -> For Others. If I am truly walking process for me, then I won't be waiting until the last minute to produce a blog post in haste, where I am not the directive principle. Ah, yes.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to be my own directive principle within walking this process for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I can't walk process alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need external sources of praise to accomplish work, not realizing how my motivation is misplaced. Bring it back to self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be more proactive about my self investigation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place process in the same relationship design as I had with school work, where I made a choice to submit to the system because I saw the benefit and that benefit was an external reason. I've always been highly passionate about the work I do for me, and I would say that I'm partially in this process for me from that perspective. I am passionate about self-improvement. So there is certainly a bad association here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate Desteni I Process with any external motivation in the form of mental images of praise.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be motivated to work at DP and write within this JTL so that others will praise me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to do DIP and my Journey to Life for me.
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When and as I see myself postponing work in general, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have the tools of self-discovery and am able to figure out why I have resistance toward the work. I commit myself to pursuing this self-investigation in relations to resistance, FOR ME.

When and as I see myself thinking/imaging some form of praise to find motivation, I stop I breathe. I realize this is not stable as the polarity of low/no motivation arises out of sourcing motivation from others' reactions. I commit myself to learning what true self-motivation is, step by step, not getting frustrated with myself if I don't immediately become a "self-motivated god." haha

When and as I see that my motivations are wacky and/or misaligned, I stop I breathe. I realize that the thought, "I can't figure out why my motivation is missing/misplaced," is an illusion of mind in the form of resistance. I commit myself to investigating the motivation point until I am clear and stable within self-motivation.

Day 207 - Planning vs Energetic Motivation

My day was messed up today when I woke up later than planned. The order of events was screwed up and I allowed this to snowball for most of the day. Lots of patterns came up. Cool that I'm seeing them more clearly as I write about them, but I haven't been thorough enough to be effective. What is it to be effective within this Journey to Life? It is releasing the predictive programming with self-forgiveness AND writing a new law of self with a real commitment statement. Why have I not been effective with some of the patterns, like procrastination? I haven't finished. I haven't yet found each component to be able to specifically address them.

I can't beat myself up for not being effective. Obviously there is still work to do, so the real question is, do I react with my typical discouragement pattern when faced with "failure," or do I stop the reaction and direct the common sense response? Go into mind or be self-honest? Fall into the predictable self-destructive pattern or realize myself, here, able to act in any way choose? The cool part: indecision no longer exists from a self-honesty standpoint. Best for all is a no brainer.

Today, I realized that my writing on planning at the beginning of the year was not substantial. I have not become an excellent planner. I have not made a stable change of self, meaning I did not actually change. I rode an energized ideal for motivation to be a better planner. Probably like many others' new year's resolutions, the commitment fades until the next Jan. 1st. I begun to understand why new year's resolution do not work in this post, but I need to follow through with this.

I am realizing more and more what energetic motivation is because it isn't stable, it doesn't last, it's idealized, generalized and inconsistent. It's not in alignment with reality, it's a mental augmentation of what I would like reality to be. There is a separation through desiring a point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that self-change is easy accomplished by one general investigation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become disappointed with myself when I fail to remove a program on my first try.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my disappointment with discouragement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that process would be a simple plug and play program to erase all programs, not considering that I'd actually have to start living my commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply revert to old habits without investigating why or why I allowed the regression.
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When and as I see that I am unstable within my Journey to Life because I am not giving myself the time to be serious with myself, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am here for me. I walk process for me 1st, then I can support others in their self process of/for themselves. I commit myself to taking the necessary steps to start walking this process for me alone. No more energetic BSing. Here, stable, real.

When and as I see myself being ineffective within moving a single point through process, I stop, I breathe, and I realize there is work to be done. I realize that going into the disappointment -> discouragement program, I am neglecting my responsibility of my self-living, here. I commit myself to focus on my breath, and write out the energy experience for specifically moving through process.

There is a growing understanding that Desteni I Process is not an automatic cure for all my problems, as I had initially hoped for it to be. Rather, it is actually serious life training in becoming a responsible human being. There is nothing automatic about reversing what we have automated within and of ourselves. I have to be here with every step. And I commit myself to doing whatever it takes to ending the internal resistance to living within every moment, within every breath.

Day 203 - Shameful work

Haha. "Ahhh, what shame I have for this work I have done!"

This is the polarity of taking pride in my work. So, it is to understand that I'm not trying to stop doing work worth of pride. I am stopping my pride reaction toward my work because if I keep priding myself in certain instances of work, I will continue producing work where I react shamefully toward.

This is polarity. Same system of mind. One is positive, one is negative. No separation. One system.

Consequence of taking pride = feeling shame. One balanced system. Why does it have to balance out? asked the skeptic. I do not fully understand why but it relates to oneness and equality, where one system has to be balanced equally because the separation is the illusion. So the feeling of pride is the illusion that when participated within, is exactly the same as the consequence of shame. Both are participatory/feeling illusions, created by ourselves.

And so this is what process is all about: stop the illusion and stabilize with reality. This way, I am not creating polarity consequence that is an unnecessary illusion experience that must result from attempting to maintain the positive experience of the system design. And I go:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the consequences of participating in positive experiential reactions as the equal and opposite must manifest. The design of infinity: a sideways 8, as representative of each system. Stop in the middle and stop looping back and forth between the poles of experience that were never really real to begin with. We create them, they are real for us in terms of feeling them. They are bullshit when compared to reality. Maybe emotions are thought to be akin to drugs. Get high and come down. Wanna stay high, but can't. Guaranteed shitty come down. Had we never taken the drugs, that point would be stable from the get go. But since we do feel our programmed emotional responses, it takes a process to stop. I would consider Desteni to much like an emotional rehabilitation for the human conditioned minds.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself so that I may fulfill my underlying "feeling-need" to produce shameful work. This is what I had done tonight. I gave myself 45 minutes to write this post. And now I am here writing for the clock again, instead of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to again use time as motivation, in that compromising my ability to really write for me and my own process. Writing for me alone, would be me writing me without this BS illusion that I MUST pump out one post a day, and that I DREAD having to do this HARD WORK that I have attributed to the process of self-investigation. More importantly, here, I must look at the relationship I have created within delaying hard work.

Points for further investigation:

• The relationship to habitual resistance toward work
• why unpleasant?
• ha, it's like coming down off an emotional high
• desteni i process = hard work
• experience of difficult is a mental augmentation again (though DIP certainly requires work)
• examine relationship to difficult
• 1st thought = difficult yoga pose -> "breathe through it"
• breath through resistance

When and as I see myself compromising myself because I feel a "feeling-need" that I must live out the consequences, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must stop cycling through the infinite structural design of made-up feeling-experience. I commit myself to giving myself the permission to stop and breathe and chose self-direction. I commit myself to stopping the feeling experience that is off being to tired/unable to move myself.

Breathe. Move.

Breathe.

Day 202 - Pride in work

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take pride in my work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to complete my work, or even these daily writings, at a level of perfection as would be defined externally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to set an "objective ideal" that is perfection outside of myself and to work toward that. Within that I am reaching for perfection from a state of desiring to be perfect. Why?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear criticism of my work, indicating that it is not perfect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have perfect work to not have to experience the humility of producing work seen as bad or less than perfect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to reach a level of quality that is outside of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define what is quality work in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am participating in a mental polarity of producing bad/good work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not just simply do work to the best of my ability. That is all.

--

When and as I see myself striving to complete a level of quality in my work that is defined according to what I think is perfection and only able to be praised, I stop I breathe. I realize that in desiring to produce work that would allow me to rest easy, knowing that it is perfect and not needing to be touched, or changed ever again, is a mental process within polarity of mind. I commit myself to stopping this self-judgement and bringing myself back here to produce the best quality of work by putting 100% of myself into my work.

This is a big point (as they all are). And within this statement, I see doubt. I fear that I am breezing by too easily, and that I will again experience a downfall in not being able to actually stop striving for perfection with my work. And, haha, within that statement, I see that I have an underlying desire to be perfect within this one post, such that I will have this point complete, over and done with by the end of this post.

When and as I see myself attempting to be perfect by completely walking through an entire mental construct in just one post, I stop I breathe. I realize that there is NOT a real, external standard of what or how one of these JTL posts is to be or accomplish. I commit myself to writing these posts within self-honesty as self-here, directing me fully, not hiding.

There is no 'right' and 'wrong.' There is only process, and it is a work in progress. When a point is clear, I move from here. Until then, I write and write, without judging my writing by any external standard, only discerning if I am self-honest within my writing. Self-honest writing is when I am directing my writing. This process is about self-investigation for the means of self-forgiveness to ultimately realize self, here. This is my focus. This is the orientation of my self-honest writing. Pride is something I'm giving up because it does not support self awareness within and as the breath. Pride is a mental construct intimately connected to the polarity of it, with is shame. I have produced shameful work. I have brushed it aside and chosen to just focus on the positive work that I could take pride in. This stops here.

Note:  Desire to not place picture, easier/faster. Also, prideless...vs prideful vs shameful. End it all and left with what? Placing a picture is to invite readers to read. It is effective. Simple. Mind is desiring to not place a picture (shame) which is the polarity of pridefully placing a picture. Stop the mind. What makes sense? A cute kitty picture.

"OMG. Is this perfect enough??"

...or 2

"thanks for reading!"

Day 194 - Priority for Process

Self First. I repeat:

SELF FIRST.

I look around and what do I see? I see people going through the daily motions of considering their self first. Before I was walking process, that's all I cared about: How to get ahead, how make money, how to be happy and sociable. So, it is primarily a daily goal of managing or creating emotional experiences of satisfaction. Am I on the right track to fulfill my desires and be happy? With this aim, the fears of failure step in: Can I find my soul mate? How will I make money and still have time for my happiness?

Alright, so this is a broad depiction fear and desires that are largely my own, though we all may share them. What is the difference between me and non-destonians? I am still pursing my interests, thought with a vague interweave of the principle of what's best for all. I say "vague" because I am not yet standing absolutely within what is best for all in every breath. I still eat candy, bite my nails and desire the company of others. These are the three primary points for me at the moment. These points get in the way of my focused self-direction. There is an energy. Residual habits.

One reason for delaying my process of sorting out these nuances of my own allowed behavior is the point of others. I want to help others see, realize, and understand what Desteni stands for. It's like an impulsiveness to just advocate (like in Day 7). I have a tendency to want to blame this design on my parents, which is yet another externalization, or abdication of responsibility. I am responsible for myself first. And this is the point. I started a thread on the forums about this point back when I started, and this particular post about sums it up. Since then I've been resisting the urge to share my process in relation to being Destonian. Now, I'm finally starting to see how Self comes first, and I can assist and support others with myself and after I have helped myself, not first. Others are doing their own lives, and just because I have chosen to take responsibility for the entire world system...well, it doesn't make any difference unless I am in action. I have made a choice, and now I must follow through in word, action and deed to not be hypocritical and ineffective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the process of manifesting world peace must start within Self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that "if I can only just convince others of the solution, I won't have to put in the work" or actually become the solution myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss myself in relation to everything.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself in separation of myself, where I am conceptualized in my mind as "great/powerful" or the flip "nothing/insecure."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself here in and as every breath, not as a conception of self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not bring my process of self back to self, for self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify with the conception of myself, and so move into all sorts of thought & feelings reactions that contribute to the process of my self-definition.

Ok, key moment here: Process for self-concept or for Self-here. This is the answer to my question earlier: Why am I different than others in my life? It's because I am working a process toward identifying with self-here, and stopping my allowance of excuses and justifications for spending effort to work for the self-concept, which is largely defined by how others see us and how we feel internally.

Wooooooo! What a pivotal concept. Process for Self. Self-Here. It's going to take time to move the self-definition from an unstable mental conception into my physical. It's kind of a foreign notion. Before the Destonian Support Group, we all just "thought, and so we are." Welcome "breathing therefore we live." To discern where I am supporting what's best for my mental image (which comes with pre-loaded feelings; within the causal argument against free will, where past dictates the future, fulfillment of our destiny) vs. supporting what best for the physical Self and All (working for a new desteni, where all life will truly be supported; peace on earth).

Artwork by Anna

How this all ties in: working shit out for self first. I need to focus on my own process through the realization and understanding that I am one and equal with all parts of the universe. I am a fractal of the physical existence. WoooHooo! I'm stoked to be alive. Time to get serious and make this about me in the physical realm, so that I can most effectively support all life in the physical, instead of feeding the energies of the self-conception and egos of this world.

When and as I see myself judging others for not giving the same amount of attention and care to this physical reality as I, I stop I breathe. Realizing that each has their own process to walk, I commit myself to focusing my own process.

When and as I feel the urge to dispense knowledge and information, I stop I breathe. I realize that my internal self-concept is the driving force behind this, as I want, need and desire others to have a mutual understanding. I also realize that I do not fully understand all the points of becoming a physical breathing body that supports what best for life at all times. I commit myself to stopping this hypocritical tendency through flag pointing and writing about each occurrence, not getting upset with myself for failing, and to persist in this purification process of self.

When and as I see myself playing a part in Process for an externalized point, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must bring myself back to myself here in my breathing and do work for me. I commit myself walking process for self and others with the consideration of myself, within my process, first.

When and as I see myself working towards ego-fulfillment, I stop I breathe. I realize that standing within my physical is a mere breath and self-direction. I commit myself to taking that essential breath, and when the energy clears, to write about whatever experience I had in relation to attachment to myself as a mental conception.

Breathing. Until next time.

Day 193 - Relating toward Desteni versus Self

Yesterday, I found an interesting point that I had long ago brushed aside: My relationship toward Desteni. As the material and the group of people, I have not been standing as a stable point of self within it. No.

Instead, I decided that I was in (referring to this review). I knew that pursuing this knowledge, and more importantly, the understanding of oneness and equality was the only courageous option. If I tried to ignore the group and this message, I couldn't shake the feeling of running with fear into ignorance. All the while, I had kept my distance by participating on the fringe, and mostly lurking around the forums: I'll call this my information gathering stage.

Within this stage of Destonian Development, I had most certainly created a relationship between Desteni and myself. Only now did the point resurface while further investigating my delay character. I realize that by maintaining my relationship toward the group, I placed me in separation of them, and through this separation, was creating a point of external motivation to get my process done. This was causing resistance within delay, similar to the design of delay in relation to my school work as I exposed yesterday.

Andrew's Vlog, here, helped me to understand a few things: 1. My process is really just ME doing self-discovery, and 2. I need to start Vlogging! haha. Thanks for the support Mr. Gable.

This point of bringing my process back to self, for self seems like a big one, yet it's rather quite simple. Self, living here with self, or Self in relation to what's here from the conceptual starting point of self elsewhere. By this, I mean I have created "self" in my head that relates to everything in my life. This is deeper than I originally thought. Stay focused Dan.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from Desteni within a knowledge & information consumption-relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how Desteni stands as a point of support for self to walk self out of the mind, for self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize about who I am in relation to Desteni and in relationship toward the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the point of myself alone, walking process for me alone, while supporting others in their lonely journey. Their 'only' journey.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be bigger than life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be bigger than life, instead of realizing myself one and equal as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a relationship with life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I've created relationships to externalized points through a process of of holding "myself" in separation of myself, where I am in my imagination and relating to the world from there.
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When and as I see myself abdicating my responsibility to get my process done for me alone, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must by in a relationship within my mind toward a physical/external point. I commit myself to flag pointing resistance toward work to check for additional points of relationship formation where self is not the starting point for self.

When and as I see myself in my mind's eye, relating toward my physical environment, I stop I breathe. I realize that this process of realizing self as All, one and equal, will take time and with persistence, I will gradually understand my source of motivation as self with all life. I commit myself to recognizing where I am in relationships toward anything or anyone to see how I've defined myself in separation and walk my process accordingly.

When and as I see myself walking process for others first, I stop I breathe. I remember that I am only public within all of this for the benefit of others and for self through feedback; however, I am first and foremost writing self to freedom for self. This is my goal. I commit myself to purifying my relationship with Desteni so that it exists as an establishment of support for all & me, not as something greater or bigger than life in any way.

I commit myself to ending my starting point of self elsewhere, to stop relating to everything around me within my imagination. One step at a time, I investigate myself for me. Simply so.

Related articles

• Day 192 - Why the Excuses?
• Day 189 - Unintended Breath Departure
• Day 166 - Got to get here quick! SF
• Day 177 - Trying to Hide
• Day 170 - Got to get here quick! pt.6 - Others
• Day 188 - Finding My Breath

Day 187 - Continued Delay Discovery

I'm not done. Which leads me to think that, "well, if I have to write about stuff that I've already covered than I must not have already been effective." This thought tends to be followed by discouragement (like with my nails: a fall of which I still have been reluctant to stand back up from). Why? This discouragement tendency is  because of an internal relationship. Self defeatism. Unable.

Next relevant point to mind is getting ahead of myself. I'm not speaking/writing as one and equal with the living word of myself. And for this, I forgive myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compose words into a statement that is not one and equal as an expression of myself as life.

Here, I realize that I must not go into the reaction of disappointment, discouragement, frustration, giving-up. This is also the mind's expression. I do not allow it to direct me when and as I see it.

OK, another serious point: There is a feeling of instability within my writing. A hazy glaze at times; others, in control, clear, on point. There is a polarity here, and the feeling fluctuates within it.

So, I think I've discovered another layer: feeling good about my writing, insights, realizations, commitments vs. feeling bad about resistance to writing, lostness, not understanding, falling from commitments.

Which then leads me to think that, "have I been messing up? Have I been wasting my time? Am I unable to be effective?" Back to the beginning: Self-doubt

It's not as if I've made no progress, the flag points I've set are in effect and there is indeed overlap between process and real life. I just don't want to compromise myself any longer my making this process secondary to my 'normal' life as a system. I don't want to indulge in the carefree indulgences any longer. I don't want to fail in freeing myself from the cycles of self-abuse.

Writing isn't a magical process. It's simply me with me, moving me to be free. Haha, sounds magical.

In ways I have 'magicified' this process. I have placed it in separation of me in one way or another. I see others that are more comfortable with the self-forgiveness writing process, and somehow I keep seeing myself as behind and needing to get up to speed, but I have only ever moved myself to get up to speed when time presses me. Throughout school, time pushed me to a point of 'must do' for the tasks that I resisted. Why? Because I have been in the routine of weakness, or submission to the guilty pleasure, specifically, guilt from postponing what I know I should be doing.

I've created a fully ingrained habit for pushing aside my work for the fun side of life. Always, I look for chances to combine the two. Sometimes that looks like procrastinating one ask to get other work done. Sometimes I will decide to move into something productive because the task is social in some regard,. where my other-self reflection/definition is on the line.
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I like how I can just flow and write as I would in my written journal for the two years before I started this JTL blog, but I realize that within this style I am just doing the fun part. I've long enjoyed self-discovery. What's relevant here is how I've defined self-forgiveness as not fun. Why? Fear of messing up = writing in separation as if the SF is not real/valid/appropriate/working. Where am I in the the SF statements? I am somewhere in the background, pushing myself to write through the resistance. Yet the resistance is linked to my ineffectiveness of separating myself from the living word....

A cycle. A positive feedback loop. If I do not become the directive principle of my words then why am I even writing the forgiveness? This is a key realization. So not only am I avoiding the depth, but the reason that I am avoiding depth is because of the resistance to process that is me actually/literally resisting process. Like we manifest our fear. Like I manifest my resistance. I didn't even realize that this experience of resistance is also literally me within resistance. I gotta stop this resistance, but first I have to find out where and why. I realize I have a long way to go to get this all out, but going to be with me and do it every step of the way.

Goal: Establish all points of resistance, all related outflows, each feeling/emotional experience, backchat, imagination, each part of me and my experience involved with each one point. That is process.

Bring self back here, and work with self practically through the turmoil and realizations. Breathe through the ups and the downs, breathe through the consequence.

I commit myself to making process a priority of my life. I no longer am going to sit back and wait for process to push me as I have been through allowing myself to wait until the last minute to compose each daily post.

When and as I see myself able to be existing for myself as what's best for me as all, I stop I breathe. Before the next moment comes into play without a full consideration for myself in that moment, I realize that I am able to direct myself and whatever direction I take there is consequence. Will I support what is best for me as life or will I compromise my self / my time?

To be continued...

From this YouTube Interview