Day 212 - It's My Work

Continuing with the point from yesterday: Day 211 - Work for Me and many posts related to Delay.

Breaking news!

I've reached an insight that I can really work with.

Note: I commit myself to not work this up and have it turn into a temporary energetic high. (Note2: I may have already, keep flag set for this point of externalizing motivation source)

The culmination point of my writing efforts. I credit myself, Anu 152, and one of my critical friends. Myself for investigating this point for what was starting to seem like forever. The EQAFE interview for that final push of insight regarding self-change and who I am in process. And my friend for asking, "why don't you work in a soup kitchen?" I took this question into consideration to find a motivating concept I now coin: The soup kitchen opportunity cost evaluation of time usage.

Through in a bit of self-reflection in my side journal, and out comes a familiar realization in a new light. It's essentially the same points I found in Day 192 at the beginning of the month. So consider this post moving from discovery into application. So what is this (kinda) new realization?

I walk process for me.

Simple. Said it before. Today it clicked. This sentence is a note to self. And so is this one. I get it. You the reader can have fun reading, but that's your deal. My deal is am I writing for me in a way that practically assists and supports myself in realizing what I've accepted and allowed, so that I may effectively walk the specific process of self-change. Release the pattern and correct it. Self-forgive and live the correction.

Now, this is not the end of the road. Realize. As I typed "live the correction" right up here ^ I saw the mind move with backchat like "not always so easy." These points will be investigated. Who I am within the writing of these new laws of self, will be investigated as resistance arises. For now, a knock-out push of processing my realizations of the day.

-- Not For School --

--

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to aim for the bare minimum level of effort/work required to walk process. In this I now see that my starting point is in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place emphasis and the ultimate importance on how the external feedback judges my work. Life has always been about getting the good grades in school or getting others to praise me for doing "good work."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire others telling me that I am great at what I put my efforts to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need for this kind of positive validation from the hidden starting point of insecurity within me and my relation to my creations.

--

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form a relationship toward the Desteni group where I have put them in a similar position in my mind as I had with my grade-giving teachers. I believed that as long as I was getting positive feedback, I was doing great.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize this separation and its implications.

I forgive myself for not realizing myself as the only measure of self-honesty and self-trust that is relevant.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others' validation of my effort is required or needed in any way to be self-honest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself with being self-honest. Obviously, this will take time to facilitate as I break down the relationships, definitions, separations and limitations within myself. I commit myself to giving myself the time to do so.

--

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay work that is for others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realizing that I am only delaying my own process through procrastinating self-support points such as this writing. It's not what I do, but who I am within what I do. Why am I delaying? I give myself permission to take a break within a clear starting point of self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take breaks and delay facing myself, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate who I am within my resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have lived my commitment to walk process for myself through never have fully understood it meant. If I do not understand 'walking process for self' entirely, then I commit myself toward deeper understanding of where I am separating myself from my process within the context of motivation. In self-honesty, can I say that I am stable within a choice to support what's best for all, or am I still trying to hold onto the self-interested pursuit of separation and inequality for power/sex/etc.

--

When and as I see myself placing my process in the category of "must-do for others and/or their perception of me," I stop I breathe. I realize this as a form of self-manipulation where I utilize a mentally constructed ultimatum to motivate myself from an external source. I commit myself to realizing when I am trying to manipulate and motivate myself from or through an unstable, external source point.

When and as I see myself unmotivated to walk process, I stop I breathe. I realize that none are free until all are free. I realize that there is still famine and poverty in the world. I realize I could be in a soup kitchen. I commit myself to pushing through the resistance of self-correction, so that I, sooner rather than later, become a stable point of living oneness and equality and able to take on more responsibility.

When and as I see myself resisting process for any reason, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is not failure. I realize that I am effective within my process on a point-by-point basis, and I commit myself to not allow resistance to turn into doubt and discouragement before I investigate the experience and pinpoint thee specific source.

When and as I see myself getting by with less than 100% effort put into my work, I stop I breathe. I realize that there is resistance inside of me. I commit myself to locating that resistance and moving with it into correction, not fighting with it. I commit myself to stop the internal battle that fuels the resistance, gives reason to it. One system of internal resistance is moved into self-direction with a simple instruction and follow through. Will I let the friction guide me away from it or will I understand it is only as powerful as my belief in it?

When and as I see myself expecting positive validation or receiving praise, I stop I breathe. I note my reaction. I commit myself to applying immediate self-forgiveness for the allowed experience in relation to my externalized judgement of my creation of work.

When and as I see myself performing work for others, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am here by my choice, and thus I am to blame/credit for my position. I commit myself to bringing myself back into myself as I work, realizing that my work is for me, and when it isn't, to stop, breathe and investigate my allowances within the specific work relationship.

--

Thanks for reading, but as you now know, this is for me to stand up and support myself as life, and for all to bear witness. Thanks to me for being here. If you aren't yet supporting yourself effectively, leave a comment and I'll temporarily provide some support for you to get on your feet too :)

Day 203 - Shameful work

Haha. "Ahhh, what shame I have for this work I have done!"

This is the polarity of taking pride in my work. So, it is to understand that I'm not trying to stop doing work worth of pride. I am stopping my pride reaction toward my work because if I keep priding myself in certain instances of work, I will continue producing work where I react shamefully toward.

This is polarity. Same system of mind. One is positive, one is negative. No separation. One system.

Consequence of taking pride = feeling shame. One balanced system. Why does it have to balance out? asked the skeptic. I do not fully understand why but it relates to oneness and equality, where one system has to be balanced equally because the separation is the illusion. So the feeling of pride is the illusion that when participated within, is exactly the same as the consequence of shame. Both are participatory/feeling illusions, created by ourselves.

And so this is what process is all about: stop the illusion and stabilize with reality. This way, I am not creating polarity consequence that is an unnecessary illusion experience that must result from attempting to maintain the positive experience of the system design. And I go:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the consequences of participating in positive experiential reactions as the equal and opposite must manifest. The design of infinity: a sideways 8, as representative of each system. Stop in the middle and stop looping back and forth between the poles of experience that were never really real to begin with. We create them, they are real for us in terms of feeling them. They are bullshit when compared to reality. Maybe emotions are thought to be akin to drugs. Get high and come down. Wanna stay high, but can't. Guaranteed shitty come down. Had we never taken the drugs, that point would be stable from the get go. But since we do feel our programmed emotional responses, it takes a process to stop. I would consider Desteni to much like an emotional rehabilitation for the human conditioned minds.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself so that I may fulfill my underlying "feeling-need" to produce shameful work. This is what I had done tonight. I gave myself 45 minutes to write this post. And now I am here writing for the clock again, instead of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to again use time as motivation, in that compromising my ability to really write for me and my own process. Writing for me alone, would be me writing me without this BS illusion that I MUST pump out one post a day, and that I DREAD having to do this HARD WORK that I have attributed to the process of self-investigation. More importantly, here, I must look at the relationship I have created within delaying hard work.

Points for further investigation:

• The relationship to habitual resistance toward work
• why unpleasant?
• ha, it's like coming down off an emotional high
• desteni i process = hard work
• experience of difficult is a mental augmentation again (though DIP certainly requires work)
• examine relationship to difficult
• 1st thought = difficult yoga pose -> "breathe through it"
• breath through resistance

When and as I see myself compromising myself because I feel a "feeling-need" that I must live out the consequences, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must stop cycling through the infinite structural design of made-up feeling-experience. I commit myself to giving myself the permission to stop and breathe and chose self-direction. I commit myself to stopping the feeling experience that is off being to tired/unable to move myself.

Breathe. Move.

Breathe.

Day 202 - Pride in work

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take pride in my work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to complete my work, or even these daily writings, at a level of perfection as would be defined externally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to set an "objective ideal" that is perfection outside of myself and to work toward that. Within that I am reaching for perfection from a state of desiring to be perfect. Why?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear criticism of my work, indicating that it is not perfect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have perfect work to not have to experience the humility of producing work seen as bad or less than perfect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to reach a level of quality that is outside of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define what is quality work in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am participating in a mental polarity of producing bad/good work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not just simply do work to the best of my ability. That is all.

--

When and as I see myself striving to complete a level of quality in my work that is defined according to what I think is perfection and only able to be praised, I stop I breathe. I realize that in desiring to produce work that would allow me to rest easy, knowing that it is perfect and not needing to be touched, or changed ever again, is a mental process within polarity of mind. I commit myself to stopping this self-judgement and bringing myself back here to produce the best quality of work by putting 100% of myself into my work.

This is a big point (as they all are). And within this statement, I see doubt. I fear that I am breezing by too easily, and that I will again experience a downfall in not being able to actually stop striving for perfection with my work. And, haha, within that statement, I see that I have an underlying desire to be perfect within this one post, such that I will have this point complete, over and done with by the end of this post.

When and as I see myself attempting to be perfect by completely walking through an entire mental construct in just one post, I stop I breathe. I realize that there is NOT a real, external standard of what or how one of these JTL posts is to be or accomplish. I commit myself to writing these posts within self-honesty as self-here, directing me fully, not hiding.

There is no 'right' and 'wrong.' There is only process, and it is a work in progress. When a point is clear, I move from here. Until then, I write and write, without judging my writing by any external standard, only discerning if I am self-honest within my writing. Self-honest writing is when I am directing my writing. This process is about self-investigation for the means of self-forgiveness to ultimately realize self, here. This is my focus. This is the orientation of my self-honest writing. Pride is something I'm giving up because it does not support self awareness within and as the breath. Pride is a mental construct intimately connected to the polarity of it, with is shame. I have produced shameful work. I have brushed it aside and chosen to just focus on the positive work that I could take pride in. This stops here.

Note:  Desire to not place picture, easier/faster. Also, prideless...vs prideful vs shameful. End it all and left with what? Placing a picture is to invite readers to read. It is effective. Simple. Mind is desiring to not place a picture (shame) which is the polarity of pridefully placing a picture. Stop the mind. What makes sense? A cute kitty picture.

"OMG. Is this perfect enough??"

...or 2

"thanks for reading!"

Day 195 - Writing Interference: Feeling Reactions

From Day 187:

So, I think I've discovered another layer: feeling good about my writing, insights, realizations, commitments vs. feeling bad about resistance to writing, lostness, not understanding, falling from commitments.

And shown throughout the past few days. I'm realizing that there is a feeling associated with a work/project/writing that varies based on the circumstances. Something like self-pride and self-pity, but the feeling is more internally felt as did I succeed or fail to be effective. What is effective writing?

Good
well done/nice job = thorough, yet concise and clear in capturing/framing the concept.

Bad
The polar opposite of good. Fear of failing to be good = overwhelmed, incoherent, inarticulate, skimming the surface by allowing fear/resistance to guide me away from a real investigation of self.

So far, I've done a lot of procrastination in my JTL posts. Why? Because I accidentally attributed  it to external point of working for the group. I better understand now, how this is a practice of writing for self. I'm here to write me out for me and all to see. The priority is not to prove that I am a certain way for others, or even logically for maintaining my sponsorship into the DIP program. I'm writing here for me to get clear within me, while allowing feedback/support from/for others.

So, another layer of resistance toward this writing can be found by investigating what is behind my feeling reactions toward my writing. Go!

Click Me ^

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to simply revel in the positive feeling of accomplishment without further investigating why this feeling reaction comes up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be taken over with pride when I write a 'good' post.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into doubt and fear when I write a 'bad' post.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that within this, I am existing in a polarity reaction game and so compromising my stability within my writing application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I'd rather shoot for the positive reaction reward than stability within what is effective. In this,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself participating in the polarity of positive-feeling rewards that balances the negative-feeling consequences in regard to my personal feeling-reaction toward my writings.
--
When and as I see myself driven to post a 'good post,' as defined by my personal, positive reaction towards it, I stop I breathe. I realize that operating within this framework is not a stable expression of self, rather an energy based motivation. I commit myself to decoding all energetic motivations, especially where I have made an external source point of motivation within my mind (i.e pride, pity).

When and as I see myself motivated to appease or please others with my writing, I stop I breathe. I realize that this mental participation is balanced with the polar fear of rejection, incorrectness, and/or negative emotions of worry, distress, anxiety overwhelmingness, etc. I commit myself to peeling back the layers of external motivation points so that I may gradually become more acquainted self-movement from within the physical. I commit myself to writing from the starting point of my breath, here.

When and as I see myself writing post with a forced external point of motivation, like when I have procrastinated and am being pushed by the clock to perform, I stop I breathe. I realize who I am within my writing is an important point of consideration. I commit myself to reflecting on what resistance lead me to wait to work with myself within this writing process of my Journey to Life. I commit myself to writing out the pattern of resistance for myself to learn from. I realize within a proactive approach to my process, and by writing about my reflection in my side journal, I will have plenty of content to write through self-forgiveness and corrective application statements on the daily!

Let us all take responsibility as the singular point of self. Write yourself to freedom..or don't. It's your "life" to live as you please, and incur the consequences. End the illusion of blame. It's all you.