Day 404 - The Nice Smelling Janitor Lady

Heavenly.

This mysterious lady of few words has walked into my hospital room twice now since starting this 14-day iPad study. She silently allows the trash bags and roll of toilet paper in her hands communicate her purpose for entering my suite. Is she attractive? Yes, but I have only seen half of her face at most. She very much keeps to herself as she conducts her business, but when I say "thank you," she does grace me with a soft "your welcome" as she walks out the door.

After she left the room, I sat down to continue my Sudoku puzzle and was blessed with the most intoxicating, delightful scent that has ever entered my nose. I immediately recalled how much I enjoyed it the first time she dropped in for a brief visit. At this point, I was just sitting there smelling the air as much as I could, hoping it would stick around as long as possible. Phase 2: enter mind. I had been swept into a positive reaction that took me out of this world.

My mind fluttered to what I could/should say to her next time she comes. I wanted to compliment her, so I was trying various phrases and expressions in my mind to find what would have the best impact on her. After about 5 minutes of this hypnotically induced mind state, I realized that was in self-interest. for a moment, I tried to distort my intentions to fit the best for all framework with something along the lines of, "your perfume is very nice, but you don't need it because your already very pretty," but I eventually realized that everything I thought about saying to her about her smell was inescapably self-interested. I had gone into a reaction and my starting point was not clear.

I originally just thought I wanted to brighten her day. Then I realized that I wanted to reinforce and support her decision to use this particular perfume. Then I looked at myself, and began to realize what my motivation for saying something to her really was. I wanted to share a positive moment with this stranger to brighten MY day. A few moments later, I dug deeper and found what I really wanted. Gulp. I hesitate to share it with you now. (Oh and by the way, this whole process of moving through these realizations happened on a piece of scratch paper that I had been using to investigate some other points... just to be clear that this unfolding of realizations didn't just happen in the tides of my mind.) What I really wanted, on a deeper level that I couldn't at all see from that initial level of interpretating my motivation, was that I wanted a full look at her face, frontal view. I wanted to collect a picture memory that I could store and use to contribute to the Ideal Girl collage that I've been imprinting into my mind my whole life.

I was shocked. I couldn't believe my own self-honesty! But here I am. Finding this point had such a strong impact on me that I decided to share it here. Now, I'm in a committed relationship, but I have to be honest with myself: All my sex drive programming didn't just disappear! And I've never written about sexual attraction in relation to smell before. It hit me like Wham! So, my pencil hit the paper like Slam! ;)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to rewire my self-interest to fit inside of acceptable "best for all" parameters - and in this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how my self-interested starting point was influencing my investigation of what would be best for all in this circumstance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the principle of doing what is best for all as a potential tool for preserving and justifying my self-interested ventures of mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed in a positive experience within my mind after smelling this glorious scent.

I forgive myself for not accpeting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand how I am affected by pleasant smells within and through an unnecessary participation in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by this pleasant smell, into a desire reaction, narrowly perceived through my ego's interest, instead of remaining stable within awareness of my breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to willingly continue to go into my mind when a positive experience is involved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be unwilling to let go of that which I desire.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it is harmless to indulge in a positive experience, and therefore justified, and so NOT flagged for investigation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am helpless when it comes to desires and urges arising out of my sexuality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when a female possesses one or more traits that I find appealing, shift myself into my mind within a delusional starting-point fantasy of potential sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget the breath awareness tool that I can use to ground myself in my body, and support myself to interact with anyone and everyone as equals.

When and as I see or smell a sexy female, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the reaction of going into my mind is not aligned into what is best for all. It is aligned with self-interest and also many variations of fear. I commit myself to using my breath to get into my flesh and bones, and realize that this person is also flesh and bones, no different from me for all intents and purposes.

I commit myself to making a clear and decisive movement within myself to stop myself from going into my mind and automatically shifting my behavior around attractive strangers.

I commit myself to flagging my reactions to attractive strangers for further investigation, so that I may remain stable in similar future interactions.

When and as I see myself trying to mold my self-interest initiatives into a framework of what is best for all, I stop, I breathe. I realize that my starting point is of self-interest, and I must first clear that before I can look objectively at what is best for all.

I commit myself to recognizing and stopping myself when I see myself TRYING use the best for all equation to preserve and hold onto my self interest.

When and as I see myself trying to preserve my self interests through mental gymnastics, I stop, I breathe. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my self-interests. I realize that these narrow-view initiatives are not creating what is best for all, and I can no longer trust that my mind knows what I really want. I understand that I must stop and remove my impulsive, fear/desire constructs, to consider the bigger picture BEFORE I can act in the interest of what is best for all.

When and as I see myself moving into a desire for a positive experience, I stop, I breathe. I realize that this shift into the mind is limiting my perspective and ultimately my power to create what is best for all. I commit myself to constantly recognizing my responsibility to embody my potential and do what is best for all life, to the best of my capacity.

When and as I see myself floating off into my mind in a social situation, I stop, I breathe, and I bring myself back to the present moment that I'm presently sharing with one or more other individuals. I commit myself to remaining here in all of my social interactions, treating others as I would treat myself, with respect, with dignity. Treating others as the flesh and bones that I am too.

When and as weak points in my sexuality programming present themselves, I commit myself to first breathe, and then investigate the self-honesty of what is going on here, on paper, so that I may support myself to remove myself from the automated programming of my mind, and create myself in alignment with physicality, and the ultimate desire of physicality: Doing what is best for self, as all life.

Day 382 - Uncertainty Flavored Resistance

Yesterday, toward the end of my post here, I opened up an important point. I have known for some time that there is something significant about my relationship to uncertainty, but I'm now moving myself to push through the uncertainty around my relationship to uncertainty.

Let's start with what I do know:

• When faced with uncertainty, a resistance comes up at least partially because the emotion of possibility of failing is accentuated because I am unable to predict a likely outcome.
• Within this point, I am erroneously defining certainty as that which my mind determines to be probably (with confidence) true.
• The uncertainty of succeeding produces an inner experience of being immobilized.
• Why? Because I define myself by my successes and failures (ego/mind level)
• Taking into consideration that my mind can't predict the outcome, I realize that facing uncertainty is inherent within personal growth; implying that solely acting within the parameters of what we know prevents us from discovering anything new about ourselves.
• Why? Because our mind's predictions are based on past experiences....which means that the comfort of certainty promotes only the repetition of our past, limiting our perception of reality, and thus our initiative participation within reality.

Well that opened up nicely. I am even beginning to see how this design functions in a social platform and global platform. Today, I'm writing about just my personal level interaction with uncertainty. This is the first time I've used the phase initiative participation, and it works well to capture a key aspect in my experience of how uncertainty affects my decision making process. To take the initiative in any situation, there must be a clarity, a certainty, especially in relation to the end-goal. Key.

There is a bit of a Catch-22 going on here, but it's not an impossible one. One can be clear and certain of what one aims to achieve, without being clear or certain of the exact process required to achieve one's aim. There could be many ways, but none of those ways will be discovered if one passively waits for the clarity to arrive. There is an active search for the solutions that is needed, which is derived from the clarity of one's motivation. Having a clear 'why' creates the certainty needed to create the resolve to push through all resistance arising from uncertainty. Understanding our motivation is a Key to overcoming uncertainty.

But there's more than just understanding required. There is a relationship between Self and Self's Motivation that needs to be looked at. Then being able to push through uncertainty resistance is also an equation of drive. What drives us? Survival, Success, Pleasure, Pain, Fear. We have to become intimate with our driving forces. Okay, I'm going in a circle here. 'Understanding our motivations' is essentially the same as 'becoming intimate with our driving forces', so this is the point I needed to find. It's our relationship with our 'WHY' that allows us to grow.

Why buy what I'm saying? It's math. There is a certainty that arises from walking the processes. We take the initiative, we figure it out, we press forward. With uncertainty, it's just an emotional excuse we use to keep ourselves from exposing ourselves to potentially ego-shattering information. And, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive myself to be my ego; and so, protect, defend and preserve this limited self-definition that is my ego. I commit myself 100% to ending all excuse-generating uncertainty, regardless of how the energetic resistance makes me feel. I stop. I breathe. I initiate my participation. Why?

Because I know my 'why'. I have the best interest of all in consideration, and I'm not going to continue to accept and allow an inner, reactive experience, intertwined with a limited, egotistical self-definition, stop me from investigating and navigating the uncertainty required to get to my certain goal.

What's your goal?

How clear is it?

Why are you passionate about this end?

Where is uncertainty holding you back?

Have you taken the initiative to determine the nature of your uncertainties?

I'll continue tomorrow with expounded self-forgiveness and corrective application statements before I open up 'uncertainty' even further. I hope you enjoyed the bacon.

photo credit

Day 381 - Living Life: It's Not So Hard

This post is a general post about several specific instances where I found that applying myself wasn't nearly as bad as I was making it up to be in my mind.

• Public speaking
• Reading a book
• Writing a blog post
• Learning a 'difficult' subject
• Making a sandwich
• Waking up and getting out of bed
• and many other physical movements

In my past, I've avoiding this issue by going with the flow of it. If there was a discomfort in relation to doing or saying something, I wouldn't do it unless there was a really high reward, or a really negative consequence motivating me. Which brings into question: Was I every really making choices, or was I just being continuously swayed by my inner, reactive experiences to external stimuli?

As I've been walking this Journey to Life process, the aspect of my driving motivation has come into question often. I see that I'm moving from a self-interested, zombie-like human being, into a more considerate and responsible human being. Part of that process requires that I push myself to speak and act within an honor and integrity, even if I don't feel like it. So there is a battle between mind-consciousness generated feelings and emotions and other mind-consciousness generated feelings.

This is the nature of the inner struggle. It is the design of polarity that the mind uses to ensnare us in dilemmas that were not ever real to begin with. The solution is to create a structure for oneself. We are only ever a breath away from stabilizing in our physical body. The trick is to realize when we're in the throes of our mind reality, and this is accomplished largely by placing in a structure that serves as a self-supportive flag point to realize who self is in the bigger picture. As soon as the realization hits: STOP, BREATHE.

What I've noticed more vividly in recent times is that when we get to the point of applying ourselves within any physical movement, it's almost never as bad as we've worked it up to be in our heads. So, to begin phase one of implementing a preventative structure, I'm going to walk the self-forgiveness to disengage myself from the magnetic-like adherence of Self to/within/as Mind. Then the commitment statements serve to provide a new set of rules or structure for how I will direct myself when external stimulus comes in, essentially rewriting my inner script with awareness, moving from self-interested self-abuse into self-aware expression of what is best for all life.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my living expression through participating in the throes of consciousness when faced with a physical participation act that I have resistance toward. In this, I realize that the initial resistance is the first sign of participating in the energetic struggle of the mind. When and as I see myself desiring to do something else, something other than what I originally intended to do, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to consider the biggest picture, to sit and write everything out on paper if I must, and to push myself through any resistance-energy that comes up so that I may focus on my responsibilities with the highest priority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my thoughts that come up as excuses and justifications are valid. I see here that with my self-generated excuses comes a specific energy signature that resonants: "this is true; I am right." Within that, I realize that I am automatically believing the thoughts that come up in my mind because I believe myself to be those thoughts, and I don't want to contradict myself! I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decide to fight for my excuses to be right. Just because they came up first and automatically, doesn't mean that I must obey this initial thought. When and as I'm in resistance energy, and I see myself going into and with my first thought, I stop, I breathe. I remember that I am making a decision of who I am in a single moment. Do I really want to be with/as an excuse? Is that all I choose to express, my own limitations? I commit myself to breathe and sort out my decision process, in retrospect, when I see that I am not the directive principle of my life. I commit myself to applying the tool of asking myself: "Is this really what I want to being doing right now?" And answering this self-honestly.

When and as I see myself thrown into the inner consciousness struggle through a moment of fear, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am not an expression of fear, unless I am within and as the mind consciousness system. I commit myself to breathe into my physical body and push through the fear, no matter how uncomfortable it is. I realize that this commitment will require time and constant application. I realize that I will not be perfect in the beginning, and thus I commit myself to allow myself to fall and fail; however, I also commit myself to investigate the timeline of external and internal events that produced that consequence, so that I may walk the self-forgiveness and align the correction within me, so that next time, I am prepared to direct myself despite the energetic draw into a mental self-sabotaging experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of inner conflict when faced with such a simple task as making a sandwich. I realize that the deeper issue within this is facing uncertainty. This relationship with uncertainty requires further investigation and structure. I commit myself to bringing this point through into writing in a future post. For now, I commit myself to recording the experience and flow of events when faced with uncertainty. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize the mind entry point of uncertainty. More on this to come.

I see, realize, and understand that there are many versions of resistance energy. The nature, the experience, how they feel and the perception of the power they have over me - it is all what I make it to be, what I accept it to be, what I allow it to be. Within this, I realize that I must create a structure for each form of energy that scoops me up into a mind-based perception of reality. Every specific instance where I allow myself to become thought, feeling or emotion requires a specific structured flag point. At the end of this process I will only ever exist as a breath, as one and equal with all existence, as a participant who chooses to direct himself and his world within the common sense principle of what is best for all.

Until then, I commit myself to investigate everything and keep what is best.

photo source

Day 340 - A Fall in Writing Commitment

Why have I been justifying the reduction of my direct writing of this blog? I have been "too" busy because of external factors that I am apparently a victim of, and within that I am showing myself that I do not yet understand my responsibility to direct myself within my external environment.

Another justification is that my decision to write a post or not has ramifications for solely myself. That I will only be delaying my process by 1 day..maybe 2, or 6. I've found by skipping a day, I have a much easier time skipping the next as well. Now, I've heard I'm not alone in my own little world inside my head, but I realize what that means. It's like I've been considering only what directly affect me or my self-concept and THEN NOT REALIZING IT. How is this possible? The feeling. It feels good, like a successfulness energy reward in the head.

This means that I've been walking my process according to how I feel. This is not an effective starting point because it is not stable for one, and for two, it's self-interest within a limited contextual framework of personal memories. It's a rather peculiar thing to realize myself as ego, as the 'I' that has formed relationships to a limited set of experiences that constitutes who 'I' am. This limited self-definition as a starting point for all my social interaction and self-movement is highly ineffective.

I realize now, there is an important thing to consider: Acting according to how I feel without investigating the reasoning, without checking the physical reality context, I am dooming myself to a fate of a reactive state.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in a mental state of 'all that matters is me' not realizing my standing up in the context of all life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the meaning of what I am doing and who I am in relation to this Journey to Life process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not need to care about others within my process because all that matters is me and my relationship to myself. I've been investigating myself through my writing, and I ignorantly took a perspective that my motivation for doing this blog was for me alone, and that when others read my process, that they may benefit in their own isolated self process. There was a deliberate disconnect between my writing intent of self-support and the potential ripple effect of supporting others. I knew it was there, but I realize my responsibility in the context of all equal as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to convince myself that my blog exists only for my benefit, and even though others may read it, I had separated myself from you the reader, not realizing how my existence is directly affecting you. This point was to protect my ego. To imagine that you are not significant, that the number of views or supporters that I get is just a number in a popularity contest, that IF I were to fail, I wouldn't have to take it personally.

So, interesting point that just opened up here. It's a big one and deserves additional attention. To take it personally within a context of social hierarchy. Basically, my starting point for my writing was: Will this advance or erode my social hierarchy position. And in this context, I've placed a failure to write quality blog posts in a reactive mental framework that protects me from taking it personally. It's like as I participate in this ego/self-definition polarity point, I aim for the positive, and mentally neutralize the negative to not have to take responsibility for my words unless I get positive feedback.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my participation within the Journey to Life group as personal endeavor only, by placing others in separation of myself to function as just a number or impersonal data to boost my ego within some mental game of wanting to win.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to win. Within this, I realize that it's not about winning. This is the old program that I placed in my mind when I defined and designed my relationship to 'success'. To reprogram myself into my updated version of 'success' that exists in alignment with what is best for all, I commit myself to continue deconstructing all of my old inner personality relationships to words, so that I may realign myself and my active living, my participation here as one and equal with all life to simply be what is best for everyone. I only have to give up my fears.

So, today I've unwrapped my relationship to blogging a bit more. I can tell that if I'm going to really walk this process, which is a decision I've already made, I'm going to have to actually live my written words. That is a critical aspect. A disconnect here will not produce the results that I expect from myself. I commit myself to realizing that this is a lived process where I take my words and live them, I investigate my past experiences and the relationship between them and self, to discover who I am as a limited expression of mind, to embody the living expression of self as life.

Enjoy the process.

Day 331 - Fighting with Myself

A broad topic, but yes, I am becoming more aware of this internal conflict and struggle between doing what I know needs to be done and doing what I want to do. I've given myself plenty of time to study and look at this internal interaction that is utterly useless, only supporting the master design of procrastination. What I've found is consisting of two key insights: 1) I am reliant on reacting to the external to determine my drive and work ethic, and also imagining how others with judge me based on my efforts and accomplishments; 2) The act of the internal fight directly supports that which I'm resisting, manifesting the delay point.

1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and desire an external reason to motivate me. I realize that there is inherent separation of myself and that which is obtainable as a reward for my efforts. In this, I become addicted to and dependent upon a reward. Internal self-motivation is so foreign that I have allowed myself to keep taking the easy way, that which is known.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for a source of external motivation to be personally better off in some way. I realize that this is not stable or sustainable through my experience. When there is now immediate reward, I postpone my responsibilities until I no longer am able to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my responsibility to direct myself according to what is best for me and all in a moment of deciding what I will do in the next moment. This is the most pivotal moment, and to underplay the importance here is the beginning of the internal conflict, as back and forth, indecision.

2) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in this internal conflict and feel that I am in control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself as a mind within a polarity oscillation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that by participating within internal conflict as indecision, I am energetically charging this particular mental design of delay, giving it life, justifying its existence. I am enslaved to the systems in my mind and I do not realize it the majority of the time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it's too hard to self-realize as the breath, as life, as the physical that is here in equality and oneness.

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When and as I see myself waiting for a motive, reward or psychological benefit of some sort to commence working on a given responsibility, I stop I breathe. I commit myself to writing my decisions out on paper if I am having trouble reaching the common sense action in the context of what is best for all.

When and as I see myself in a critical moment of deciding what to do next, I stop I breathe. I give myself that one breath to bring myself back here, to myself in the physical. I commit myself to not give into the internal fight with myself, realizing that in doing so, I have handed my responsibility to direct myself over to my mind system that will bounce my consciousness back and forth (polarity), generate energy that builds and builds until I feel I have no/less power to will myself one way or the other, and I give in to procrastination.

Day 320 - Time Stop, Change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by this resistance energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself as less than this energy, and assuming that it will win, thus creating an experience of debate to validate my desire to stop the energy, yet do nothing to practically stop it.

I'm on the verge of a break through, and it's half exciting, half doubtful. The doubt comes in because I feel like I've been here so many times already, where "I've had enough" and "I'm ready to change." The excitement comes in because there is a subtle difference this time. I know that I don't know what it's like to actually live this change into a consistently self-directed individual supporting what's best (for all).

"It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so." - Mark Twain

It's a dangerous dance to think we know ourselves when in fact we do not. Dangerous because it doesn't seem dangerous. We could go through our whole lives creating consequences we wouldn't never admit responsibility for. Why? Because we trust the feelings. If it feels like another is surely at fault, we blame without question. I challenge self to question self.

Today I found an interesting success, and what's more interesting is the method used to create the window of opportunity. Let me break it down for you! I've been experiencing a building frustration with myself because I'm not changing. I'm not actually stopping my delay/procrastination character after, like what, 6+ months of writing about it. I feel embarrassed just admitting that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to an idealized version of myself who is able to learn, realize and change rapidly. In this, separating myself from the reality of myself, and repetitively missing the critical moments in actual space time when I can apply myself and live change for real.

This above statement here had taken a long time to hit home. I am finally starting to get a real sense of my perception of myself vs. the reality of myself (which is very difficult to face). Why has it been so hard to see the self-honesty of me? I would shatter the image of me. I would be embarrassed. I would feel bad.

And who wants to feel bad?

Going back to my interesting success and how I created it. I realized one of the most important equations: First thing's first. I realized that I needed a practical first step. The weird part about this realization is that it can totally exist as known information, and so I thought I've known this for a long time, but when that knowledge becomes really realized and applied: it starts working. How exactly? Great question. I didn't know how, so I asked myself: What is my first step? Answer: Actually investigate the resistance. Here's an interesting point as well. I can investigate the resistance and maybe acquire some knowledge and information about it, but if that's where it stops, then it stops there. The second step must be taken.

I'm sorry if this is all obvious to you ;)

So, quick outline/recap:
Step 1: Realize what the first step is.
Step 2: Take the first step - investigate, thoroughly
Step 3: Take the second step - application

That second step is when the rubber hits the road, so to speak. When I take that first step of information discovery, I NEED TO USE IT. It must be applied.


Enough already! What is this success that I had? In the critical moment of self-change. In the moment where I wanted to pick up my tablet and play a video game. In the moment of overwhelming resistance toward doing. I stopped. It was uncomfortable. I didn't want to sit back at my desk to read/type. Nope. But in this moment I decided to conduct a stable self-forgiveness. The 2 statements at the beginning of this post are very similar to what I had spoken aloud. I was able to clear the energy that was so uncomfortable that I've entered into countless time-loops by following it.

And then. I found myself in a bit of a null space. I wasn't sure what to do next. Then I recalled what I learned of the importance of self-commitment statements. I spoke out loud some direction for self. At that moment, the resistance energy was gone, and I had a stable directive that I literally just created.

This is one of my first actual breakthroughs in regaining control of myself using self-forgiveness and corrective application. The doubt that I experience here is utterly based on the past, and a fear of not being able to change. I know what I need to do now. I see, realize, and understand that through my fear, I am creating/manifesting that which I fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my inability to change myself, based on past failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to my past alone, and not give myself the opportunity to create myself anew in every forthcoming moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate self-compromising beliefs without realizing my responsibility herein.

There is only one moment that change can happen. If you don't stop time to see this moment. If you are waiting for the moment to come when you feel ready. If you are thinking it would be better to do it later. STOP. See what you are doing. What is the motivation? STOP. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to sound the relevant self-forgiveness to this point that I am currently experiencing. And until clear, keep forgiving self. Now set the rule of self. What did you originally want to do? If resistance comes up again, self-forgive, specifically. Then commit self to move according to how you want to move.

And Voila!

You have stopped time for long enough to recognize and diffuse the reaction energy, and create effective self-change.

What's next? What is Step 4? Obviously it is to repeat Steps 1-3. Flagpoint the moments where one is not successfully directing self and investigate for the purpose of being able to identify what moves you and what to self-forgive.

On a final note: All of the information here is diddly squat. It sincerely can do nothing to support self, unless it is lived. That is the only real difference I feel here today. I actually applied myself, proactively. I didn't start write this post at 11 o'clock, reacting to the external reason as my starting point. No. I sat down on my couch with my mechanical pencil and my red process journal and investigated my resistance, and when I was ready to get back to reading/typing the resistance came again, BUT I WAS READY FOR IT THIS TIME.

Knowledge without application is useless, and this sentence is hard to understand until you actually literally apply it and see for yourself what you can do. Test yourself. De/Program yourself. Or don't.

Thanks.

Day 317 - Supporting Myself Through Resistance

There is a fluctuation within my ability to effectively direct myself. In some moments, I have a clear sense of why I move. In other moments, I am noticeably in a reaction when I move into a distraction. The interesting thing here is that I can notice when I am not self-directive. If I can see when I am not in alignment with a particular goal that is of high priority, then why would I allow myself to not do what needs to be done? Simply put, I am not being honest with myself.

If I were self-honest in every moment, I would see exactly what my motivations are and why I am ignoring and resisting particular tasks. So why am I resisting self-honesty? It's a really silly thing when I look at the answers that come up for me as I ask myself this question. It looks like I am ashamed that I am not productive / effective, and because of this negative experience of shame, I avoid the task to prevent the shame. It snowballs backwards. It's a negative feedback loop. It's not even logical when considering each part of the equation. Doing the task does not produce the shame, NOT doing the task does. Somehow, I've created a fallacy in associating the shame with the task, instead of the NOT doing of the task.

So, when being self-honest here, I do not allow the emotion to turn me away from the task. That feeds the problem, and only by reacting to the experience do I create and compound this aspect within the design of resistance. Yesterday, I wrote the self-forgiveness primarily on the overwhelmingness reaction and separation of myself from the resistance energy in a blame-victim relationship to it.

Today, I realize that there are several aspects / layers to why I am not 100% self-directive yet. I stop, I breathe. I can only move at the pace at which I push myself.

Basically there are two forms of living life, and one of them can hardly be called living. Either we react to our environment, and from a certain conscious perspective, we feel in control and we feel like we react in a reasonable manner. This is the more robotic form, but it doesn't feel like it because we, as egos, personally programmed our reactions, based on past experiences, to produce a favorable outcome. The other way to actually life and lead a life, is by noticing the reactive tendencies, taking a breath, considering the options and choosing what is best. And not just what is best for self. Life supports life. Ego supports ego. When weighing the options, the obvious choice from a life perspective is doing what is best for all life. Only by truly considering what is here, the consequences, and benefits, does one see the Best option. From within the reaction, the ego is the primary driver, and it does not consider everything carefully, functioning within the limited database of personal experience. And thus, a world of mistakes and misunderstandings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within experience and not breathe myself into stability before I go into a distraction action.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self-dishonest when I move into a distraction by ignoring / suppressing the (subtly) known consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress known consequences through various means of self-interested, selective perspective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I suppress consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I'm not breathing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the connection between self-honesty, breathing, and slowing down to consider my exact motivations within each and every task/distraction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that I am to do an excellent job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when I do not do an excellent job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I spiral and compound my lack of doing an excellent job by reacting to the fact that I am not doing an excellent job, instead of realizing what must be done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that simply doing what needs to be done is the only effective way to do an excellent job, and all emotional reaction that brings me to act in a way that is outside of what simply must be done is completely useless and even detrimental to the cause.

When and as I see myself in reaction to task resistance, I stop I breathe. I realize that this reaction is not a self-honest assessment of what is here. I commit myself to flag pointing task resistance and utilizing the awareness of this moment to distinguish and determine my motivations.

Within this I commit myself to investigate my motivations and understand why I am allowing repetitive patterns of ineffective actions that are self-compromising.

When and as I see myself disregarding consequence, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have hidden the actuality and the totality of the consequential outflows just enough, so that I may allow them to slide by without much consideration. I commit myself to flag pointing these seemingly tiny moments of allowed deviance from my task. There is quantum level movement here that I have programmed into my flesh. It's become my automation, and I no longer accept and allow this outdated programming to run my life.

When and as I see myself using an excuse to justify my delay / distraction, I stop I breathe. I realize here is another moment of ego defense that must be investigated, deconstructed, and deleted if it does not serve what is best for all.  I commit myself to continue educating myself on how I've constructed my reactive body, so that I may acknowledge, take responsibility for, and bring myself through actual, lasting self-change.

I commit myself to realizing myself as one and equal with the physical. Every wasted moment of those in process = lives.

Investigate your programming. Investigate the global programming.
Become the solution. Support Equal Money.

To get a better understanding of why and how to 'light a fire under your ass', I suggest this insightful interview:

Day 310 - Splurge Time

I create a feeling of being able to splurge a little with my time whenever I've "been good." Kind of like a dietary splurge when one has been eating healthy, why not treat oneself to a little cheat-treat? It's a form of self-deception and it adds up more than I had realized thus far.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it's ok to justify my resistance toward work and being productive after I have accomplished something.

A form of this came up today with my friend. We both agreed that we experience some kind of "I'm spent" and unable to do anything more after a day of work. It's a creation in my head. It probably stems back to when I was rewarded for being good as a child. I formed a habit of expectation. And it's even interesting to take a step back and look the design of reward after going through something undesirable. Instead of investigating the relationship toward the undesirable object (i.e. work, vegetables) and releasing that system, it appears that I've been conditioned to rather cover up my negative experience and forget about it by moving into a positive experience (i.e. video game, ice cream) for a moment. And then on to the next moment until the pattern repeats again. Silly human tendency.

My relationship to sugar will need extensive investigation. There will be a bit of overlap here, as sometimes I use food/sweets as a time related distraction, but my focus is on how I let myself be overly unproductive through justification of needing to balance/reward being productive with my time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define productivity through/as a positive charge that requires energy and a polarity out flow of negatively charged laziness/relaxation. There is an underlying dynamic that is interesting where productivity has a negative charge on it, making it hard to bring myself to this state vs. the polarity positive charge on lazy/relaxation/ease. So, there is a polarity balance within productivity alone, as well as lazy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT realize that I am maintaining charges on these words 'productivity' and 'lazy' that are cycling through polarity and manifesting as experiential cycles that cause friction and conflict within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to positively and negatively charge 'lazy/relaxation' - instead of relaxing being simply that which it is - without a mental desire/avoidance mechanism in place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be lazy because I perceive it as easy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire the easy life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see being lazy or relaxing as 'bad', as this is utilized by me to feel guilt or judge myself for not being 'good', effectively perpetuating the cycle of internal friction and conflict = no self-change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to positively and negatively charge 'productivity' - instead of seeing productivity simply as a necessary part of life to get stuff done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be productive because then I will be rewarded.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see productivity only in contrast to the positive reward, as something that I must to be able to move forward. In this, I have externalized my motivation and removed myself from the sole driver of me as being self-responsible, and in that productive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get caught up in a reward cycle, losing awareness of time in the context of the day and what else I can or should be doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say/think "just one more round" without realizing the design of perpetuating my abdication of my responsibility for myself, here in every moment.

When and as I see myself fighting with myself to get motivated and productive, I stop I breathe. I realize that I'm in an internal polarity conflict because I have energetically charged who I am in relation to work. I commit myself to assist and support myself in becoming aware of how I have created myself in relation to productivity as difficult and relaxation as reward. This system is not helping me to be as effective as I can be.

When and as I see myself delaying work or maintaining distraction, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have an ultimate responsibility for myself and my decisions within every moment. I commit myself to acknowledging that I am unable to divert, avoid, or excuse myself from the consequences that will ensue from me not wanting to take responsibility for myself here. *Here = one moment and all moments.

I commit myself to realizing the significance of what is here and who I am in relation to whatever is here. This is who I am. I am defined by my relationships, and yet I allow them to flow out from my past, and blame my past an the people that have shaped me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others, and not always recognize my self-responsibility for the entirety of myself within what is here. This being my past/present creating my future. I am responsible for this process even though it appears automated and uncontrollable.

I commit myself to continue investigating my automation AND taking responsibility for it.

Day 307 - Falling Back to Sleep

Today marked the second day of experimenting with my morning boot up process. The investigative intention that I held today was slightly less charged than it was yesterday (interesting to note).  Still, I was mindful and taking careful notice of what went on in my head. I half rolled over to quickly check my emails on my phone, but there was a pretty persuasive energy drawing my head back to my pillow. I allowed it, BUT under the condition that I would be paying even closer attention to how I move within its effect. I even cracked a smile as I submitted to the energy with intention, trying to justify the act as further investigation, though while also aware that by laying back down = exactly what the energy's purpose is.

source

Realizing this kept me alert enough to not actually fall back to sleep. In under 5 minutes, I willed myself upright and I tried to clear that strong feeling of go back to bed / lay down with breathing. It wasn't as magical as I had hoped. I struggled a bit, but I was up and moving before I was completely cleared of the head fog.

I titled this post Falling Back to Sleep because my day was overall less productive than the day before. It reminded of one of those past days of sleeping in and waking up with no intention/direction. My first thought as I sat down to write today was, "why?" and I associated it to how I woke up and gave into the energy while trying to circumvent the consequence through an "upgraded" justification. I believed that waking up in that groove of mindfulness with submission, flowed out into the rest of my day. But, during this writing, I also realized that my physical to-do list was not filled out for the day. In contrast, yesterday I had filled up my to-do list with more than I was able to complete the night before.

That 'slightly less charged' intention energy that I had noted at the top, that must be related to my empty day. I didn't give myself any direction the night before. To test this, I will try planning my day the night before and compare it to how effective I am by applying an intention the night before to plan my day when I wake up. I already know that when I don't know my day plan for tomorrow, I can easily continue to "not know," and my whole day lags, similar to how today went. This will be a test of self-honesty within intention, planning, and follow through. Creating a heightened sense of continuity between days has been a goal of mine. Glad to be working the angles on this point.

So, I'm pretty sure that I've narrowed down a critical relationship that needs to be purified. Join me tomorrow for a brief wake-up report, and I'll dive into how I've related to the word 'intention'. Note: I have written down morning plans, starting with 7:30 yoga.

Intense-ion

In-tents-e-on

Intent-see-on

Points to investigate

• Setting intention
• what is the starting point / the why
• Following through on intention
• resistance > intention?
• intention < self-agreement?
• Who am I without intention
• directive / responsible vs. aimless / carefree / ?

Day 302 - I Process Competition

...is unacceptable.

Recently, a friend of mine started her Journey To Life blog (Breathe), and I am continually impressed. The writing is thorough and honest. My problem is how I am comparing myself, and the mental processes that come from that are utter self-sabotage and in no way supportive for self or other as what's best for all. My ego has revealing itself repeatedly, and I can no longer allow myself to suppress this design of wanting to be more/better than.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to another in the individual process of self-realization, self-responsibility, and self-honesty otherwise known as the Desteni I Process, with the intent to measure and weigh my effectiveness in my own process - treating it as a race.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when I see another human being is doing well / better than I, by wanting to "one up" and do even better myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress this desire to "one up" another so that I do not even see, realize or understand my motivation surge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self-motivated to give my absolute / unconditional best effort for myself within my individual process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the energy play of competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for the creating a energetic game of competition in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that when I take on this orientation / perspective / relationship toward another, I am also motivated to see them do worse / fail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be selfish, greedy and competitive, while holding the concept of what's Best for All on a pedestal instead of as a working principle to live into reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my personal responsibility to embody and live the principle of what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rather support myself within an illusion that this process is a race because I find it easier to measure my value by comparison instead of within utter self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse the spoken word to portray myself in a way that doesn't carry over into my living application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am special, and thus react when this is threatened by reconstructing my perception and/or changing my behavior to prove myself as more/greater than.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry this human race baggage into my process and not realize it by judging it as 'bad' and thus suppressing it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I suppress what I think is bad so I do not have to face it and change. It is my mind trying to preserve the familiar program. This is not who I am and I do not allow this any longer.

This, specifically being the act of hiding what I don't want to see, to remain within my predictable, reaction relationships to others and my environment. To be self-honest is to not allow exactly this mental behavior. I realize it is a process, a process I commit myself to walking to completion regardless of how fast or slowly others move in their own process. My motivation comes from myself, here, wanting what is best for all.

When and as I see myself hiding my motivations from myself and/or others, I stop I breathe. I realize that NO ONE benefits when I allow shameful motivations to run rampant within me. I commit myself to investigate these points that I fear revealing. First to myself. Walk it through in writing. Understand self's motivations. Where they come from. Breathe. Forgive. Let it go. This fear is not required to live. This fear is in fact standing in my way from effectively applying what is best for all, as shown here today.

When and as I see myself comparing my effectiveness within DIP to how others are doing from an ego stance, I stop I breathe. I realize that no matter how this pursuit ends, my starting point isn't best for all, and so my result is not best for all. I commit myself to really breathing and considering what will yield a best case scenario for all participants.

I commit myself to learn from others and apply myself more effectively in my own process. In doing this, I can encourage others to also apply themselves more effectively. The design of this is similar to competition, but the motivation is stable as self doing what's best for self and all always, and the desire to undermine, cheat, compromise another being in their individual process is nonexistent. Best for all is incredibly better than pure self-interest, and become more and more apparent as I understand and let go of my personal fears that define me and separate me from my neighbors.

I commit myself to mapping my ego. This would be a fun self-directed project to see myself. I'll publish it here, so stay tuned!

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I see my ego comparison / competition thought activation. I realize this is not me as life. This is my uncompassionate self-centered personality. Flag point it. I am here, committed to supporting myself as life as an inherent expression of what's best for all, and I will not continue to race with other humans.

Time is ticking. It's silly to waste it in an ego mind game that isn't real. This silly notion that I am special and need to constantly fight to prove it is not worth my effort. We are all special, so none is special. The question is: who is willing to put in the effort? Which means the real question is: Why don't I put in maximum effort? Much more journey to come.

Day 291 - Back into Familiarity

This is kind of a frightening topic. All the better to blog about it!

So far, I've noted a few feelings that really bogged me down. I want to blame it on the weather being much warmer, but I recognized my ability to stand up and shake of the lethargy. I wasn't very successful, but I did at least get a mediocre amount of work done and spent some quality time with the family on Mother's Day. Overall, I experienced myself within that polarity experience (see Day 287 - Re-Inspired by Social Media Professionals) of driven excitement - lethargic resistance.

So, here's a cool point of discovery for me to take on: Identify the moments of which my environment affects my will power / work ethic / drive for success. The first one's to mind are when I wake up and the temperature. I'll get more specific with those in posts to come. To hone in on all the familiar triggers that I utilize to remain in a stagnate energy experience of myself, that's a new priority of exploration. I must establish a new familiarity within the stillness of my beingness as a stable breath into self-direction.

cc

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become bogged down with a feeling of lethargy of which I submit to and become a hopeless victim of when and as there is a trigger for it. I realize that I need to explore the lethargy triggers in depth, and I commit myself to breaking down this character design sometime in the future. (haha, apparently this character is active right now)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel required to have external motivation for when I am productive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel out of control when I react to familiar situations in familiar ways.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have no response ability for myself. I realize this desire as a key contributor in justifying my laziness and hopeless victim relationship to my mind and the 'lazy' feelings I produce. I commit myself to begin taking responsibility for my created experience of myself and thus within this, the responsibility to create myself within alignment of what is best.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it is ok that I fall back into the same habits and patterns because I can simply blame my environment for not being self-directed / self-motivated.

When and as I see myself blaming my environment for who I am in a moment, be it temperature, people, or any form of resistance, I stop I breathe. I realize this is just my attempt to not take responsibility for myself. I commit myself to really stop and work with the moments that cause a time-loop of victimization relationship to my mind.

When and as I see myself feeling stuck in familiar modes of existence, I stop I breathe. I realize each breath as a new opportunity to decide who I am in that moment. I commit myself to live here.

This is going to be worth it. Take your time kicking it into gear. Do not slack here!

Day 280 - Why I Write

Who am I within my writing? What is the reason? What is the experience of myself when I initiate my writing?

These are valuable questions I should ask myself before I begin a post. Why? By answering these questions, I am solidifying my intention and writing objective with affirming the purpose. This is important because if I am not writing for my own sake, I am wasting my time.

When I was writing papers in school, I didn't ask these questions, which was partially why I experiences so much resistance and procrastinated until it was imperceptive that I at least get something written down. I were to answer these questions then, the answer would most likely be "rushed" and "desperate." Since that's all I've really known to be within my writing, I have been struggling a bit in learning how to write for myself. When I am writing for me, I want to be confident that I am effectively achieving my best work, something that I wasn't very concerned about when my writing reason was to just get a passing grade.

To answer these questions now: I am writing here to best support myself in understanding who I've become for the purpose of taking responsibility for my life experience within and without. My experience of myself while I write should be focused and stable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush through my journey to life writing because I placed more value on needing to get one post a day finished, not realizing that by externalizing my writing reason, I have stolen my opportunity to most effectively support myself within a stable, focused starting point.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize how my starting point determines the direction and quality of my self-support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay writing in any moment by forgetting/suppressing my reasons for writing just long enough to initiate a distraction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight with myself when I am writing, not realizing how the instability dilutes the quality of my writing support and unnecessarily increases the time it takes to finish.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be inconsistent in my approach to writing, making it harder to realize why I write and thus make it a better point of self-support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse writing to achieve status as an external motivation, not realizing how I'm compromising myself by not writing for me alone.

When and as I see myself writing for an external point, such as time and/or the judgments of others, I stop I breathe. Really though. I breathe. I realize that the purpose of my writing is essential when considering how to best support myself through writing. I commit myself to be clear within myself as I continue writing on a single focus point.

When and as I see myself delaying my writing process while I've already begun, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have experienced some form of resistance within my writing that lead me astray. I commit myself to bring myself back to my writing within a clarified writing objective/reason.

I realize I am here writing for me. This is how I am effective in achieving my purpose of self-support through writing. Dilution of why I write must be promptly investigated. Here, I walk this writing process to ultimately realize myself as life, one and equal within this entire physical existence, and take responsibility for what I have become and direct myself in alignment of what is best for all.

Day 271 - Success and Failure pt.7

Continuing with:
Day 264 - Success vs Projected Success
Day 265 - Success and Failure pt.1 - Imagination Dimension of Success
Day 266 - Success and Failure pt.2 - Opening Resistance to Success
Day 267 - Success and Failure pt.3 - Spiraling Distraction
Day 268 - Success and Failure pt.4 - Components of Resistance
Day 269 - Success and Failure pt.5 - The Critical Moment
Day 270 - Success and Failure pt.6 - The Direction Question

How am I directing myself today? I am directing myself to write on self-direction and write Self-forgiveness on what I find today and found yesterday.

How have I been directing myself today? There multiple moments of self-direction. So how can I effectively address this question? Bullet List!

• The moments where I was directing myself
• Study DIP material
• time pressure within it
• The moments when I was just going with the flow
• Went for McDonalds breakfast
• craving something delicious
• reason to ride my bike
• Helping out around the house / yard work
• earning my keep; obvious priority
• Little time distractions

So what's going on here? What patterns can I hone in on and focus on? It's interesting how the only moments where I am pushing myself to be a director of myself is when the time pressure point is present. Other than that, I am functioning within obligation and desire / resistance to be self-responsible. Within that, I recognize that I am creating an illusion that I have nothing pressing, by ignoring all that I could be doing. This is the primary point of self-sabotage within the design of procrastination.

Now that I'm seeing how much goes into my procrastination system, I will patiently move through the layers. First to recap my understanding: I procrastinate because I neglect work that I could do that is not forced upon me either by others or my own externally positioned decision. It will be a process to bring myself back to the here moment where I simply work for me without an external motivation. I look forward to breaking this system down and rebuilding myself as a self-responsible productivity man man man!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define success as according to achievement of externally imposed missions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create internal motivation ONLY according to desire and positive feeling experiences, not realizing how I am limiting myself and compromising my responsibility to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can accomplish my journey to life within a particular time frame such that I create a feeling of rushedness and desire to move fast.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that desire to move fast will ultimately slow me down because without a stable starting point, I will not create stability.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to practice becoming stable within myself when and as I direct myself within accomplishment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bring my past track record of moment to moment awareness and responsibility into mind and use it as an elusive and vague excuse to not remember my breath.

When and as I see myself waiting for an external point of motivation, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am holding myself back from achieving success for myself in every moment that I choose the desirable distraction over self-responsibility. I commit myself to take responsibility for each moment that I choose to delay what I could be doing. In this, I commit myself to investigate why I gave into a particular distraction program within delay.

I realize that delay / procrastination is an umbrella system, not to be decoded with one fell swoop. Same with my nail biting habit. It's not the habit itself that needs to be addressed. It's the internally structured, energetic experience pattern behind it that I need to hone in on and take responsibility for stopping. I keep delaying that point because the anxiety system seems bigger than me....crazy. I need to get back to that, soon.

When and as I see myself wanting to move fast through a point, I stop I breathe. I realize that there is a significant difference between desire to accomplish more faster, and a stable application of myself that is effective, consistent and reliable. I commit myself to the restructuring of my internal motivation sources, slowly, and first by deconstructing the existing self-interest that really isn't serving what's BEST for me. What is best for me is also best for all.

When and as I see myself moving from a point of instability with regards to being productive or doing hard work, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am not practicing a sustainable solution. I commit myself to stop looking at the keys on my keyboard so that I will ultimately type faster than if I keep cheating by looking, for example. I'll post more on this point as well. So many points. Point, point, point.

I commit myself to really be serious about understanding what is going on inside of me when I abdicate self-responsibility. What system is at play? When did I start doing this? Regret? Shame? Doubt? I commit myself to keep digging. No excuses for not taking responsibility for myself. Investigate.

picture credit

Day 245 - Coffee & Attention

cc: pixabay

I've accidentally exposed myself to my relationship to coffee today. At 8:30PM, I decided to brew a pot. I wanted to get my head into that space of mental focus. I wanted that drive to perform at my peak. I wanted to find an easy way around resistance. K, haha, just going to hop into forgiveness for this one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to utilize coffee as a crutch to find a level of willpower that I had believed myself to not have.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a relationship of dependency to coffee.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can focus better and maintain my attention for longer when I consume coffee, not realizing that I can just as easily waste my time while hyped up on caffeine.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse coffee and drink it just to feel the high of it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my attention to wander, and with coffee, just wander faster :)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that coffee is not to blame or credit for my work ethic.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a relationship to coffee such that I am less able to complete work and stay focused without it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that coffee will solve my problems for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell others, in relation to my schoolwork, that "It wasn't me. The coffee got me A's," and within these the mental backchat justification was that I wouldn't have been able to stay focused and productive without coffee.  Call it ADD or whatever, it's time for me to start taking responsibility for my work ethic, and how and why I drink coffee.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more in control when I drink coffee.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel less in control when I do not have coffee, such that I allow the resistance and grogginess experience to shut down my work efforts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act within an energetic relationship of belief in my productive ability that "I cannot do it" without external motivation such as coffee and time pressure.

--

There is probably more dimensions to my coffee drinking character that I've created through separation, and I will face these points as it comes up. I really like coffee, so I will continue with my correction and realignment of who I am in relation to coffee/caffeine/stimulants in posts to come. For now,

I commit myself to experiment with my sober self and write about what is going on in my head when I am desiring coffee to expand my understanding of the relationship I have created there.

When and as I see myself wanting to drink coffee for the purpose of getting things done without having to push through resistance, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am slowly embedding a program of dependency into myself, essentially stating "I am weak and unable to overcome resistance (of hard work) unless I drink coffee." I commit myself to showing myself that I can still work strong, fast and effectively without the use of stimulants as an external motivation to stay focused and attentive.

I commit myself to practicing my self-application without coffee, to stabilize my productivity and work ethic while sober, and end the abuse of drinking too much coffee.

When and as I see myself drinking lots of coffee (3+ cups) so that I can get lots of work done, I stop I breathe. I realize that I actually do not need this much coffee ever. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse coffee in this way. I commit myself to toning down my coffee consumption until I have cleared my unfettered relationship to it, so that I may once more enjoy coffee for it's basic expression of itself. I am the coffee. I am me. I am with coffee, most simply.

A moment of my past:

I had developed a strong affinity toward this segment of a Futurama television episode:

Day 236 - My Favorite Excuse

Continued from yesterday (Day 235 - Opportunist vs. Excuse Maker) & exposing my favorite excuse:

Fear of failure

The only issue with fear of failure is that it's HUGE. It's central to most of my decision processes. And the forms it takes on like embarrassment, rejection, inability, loss, etc. What I find is that when I am faced with particular opportunities, I will have that experience of "not being able to do it." Before I even realize the experience, I am moving away from it, seeking the next best option that IS doable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear placing effort into a project that I think I will not succeed at.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am wasting time if I fail, not realizing that success depends on failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to FEAR FAILURE.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to FEAR FAILING.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn away or give up on the pursuit of anything that I fear failing at.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself that I have been cowering in fear when I redirect to a more obtainable goal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have defined myself as one who enjoys a challenge so long as I believe I am able to succeed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become motivated by failure, either to shy away or become invigorated with the challenge.

primary memory of positive fear motivation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand how I have created  polarity within the experience of failure, and only really considered the positive affect of becoming motivated to overcome fear, and suppressing the moments when fear motivates me to run.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define fear and cowardice as weak, and through that charge have refused to see myself in that light.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate how I am moved by fear in the negative/weak polarity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just go with the fear within an unconscious statement that who I am is a coward.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my self-judgement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am a coward.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place fear of failure as an authority and yet still believe that I am greater than fear, not realizing myself as the fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I create the fear, and thus create my reality.
--
When and as I see a movement of fear within me when faced with an opportunity, I stop I breathe. I realize myself as the creator of this fear emotion. I commit myself to stop simply allowing fear of failure to direct me. I commit myself to acknowledging the fear as equal and one with myself, and through this I decide who I am in that singular moment: self-directed or fear-directed.

When and as I see myself motivated by fear to overcome challenges that I believe I can succeed in doing, I stop I breathe. I realize that this positive version of failure motivation is an energetic polarity of the fear that disables me. I commit myself to facing challenges and opportunities from a stabilized starting point assessment of what is here and what I can practically do.

When and as I see myself defining myself by fear or fearing to realize how I have made a living statement of myself in fear, I stop I breathe, I realize that it takes great courage to admit to fear because admitting fear entails a moment of lack of courage. I commit myself to stop the double dipping of cowardice and start owning up to my fears while being brutally honest with myself.

When and as I see myself turn away from a challenging opportunity because I am afraid to fail and within that waste time, I stop I breathe. I realize that I learn through failure and by allowing fear to direct me away from trying to succeed will result in never trying, and thus never succeeding. I commit myself to fail so that I may stand up strong having faced failure.

I commit myself to spending more time analyzing and decoding my relationship to fear and failure, so that I may steadily work through each layer.

I realize that fearing failure, creates real failure. I commit myself to no longer accept failure within fear. Self-directed failure, I invite. That is how I will grow. Thanks.

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Day 231 - Putting in 100% Effort

...Or "120%!" like some guys say, but I just don't really think that's possible, mathematically, but the point that is trying to come across here is when you are seriously doing hard work, you need to work seriously hard. Through my "mathematical judgement" I was missing my true and initial reaction to "120%," that I didn't want to work hard.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to work hard because I believe that I can always find an easier way, a short cut, some hidden edge that no one had yet found, to leverage my work so that I could perform at less than 100% and still yield 100%.

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Why have I operated this way for so long? It's as if this mentality had been inherited through generations, simply because I have no idea where I had grown this affinity to maximizing my output, SO I could work less. Any excuse to work less and still be successful. Very interesting programmed mentality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a mentality of trying to make my work efforts amplified through finding an edge that others do not have, instead of working hard while also finding that edge to be able to reach that "120%." Now, it makes sense.

I had been missing how I was accounting for the edge. the little extra boost to production that happens by taking those extra, above and beyond, steps. Those extra steps are part of my 100% that leads to the "120%." My walk through life thus far has been on trying to do 80% and make it look like 100% through whatever clever method I could conjure.

Interesting! I have been hiding my true work ethic from others, when I could get away with it. This had transformed into hiding from myself that I wasn't even putting in 40% yet thinking that I was already at 100%, or at least 80%. So I snowballed the wrong way in terms of production and work ethic in life in general.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only focus on what others see within me and my productivity output because in doing so, I am NOT being self-honest with myself and my ability to to perform.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decline in productivity/motivation and trick myself into thinking that I am passively existing at the 100% level of work effort.

My frame of reference for doing work and working hard has been out of wack for a long time. "Perception is reality," one of the phrases I heard at my new job today. It's very true from the perspective that we only see through and with our current perspective. It's not true from the perspective that our perception is limited and reality is all of what is here, everything. So, this game of life, this program that is laid out before you, whatever it may be, it's up to you to decide to walk it and what your pace is. That decision process is not easy with a limited perspective. Bottom line: keeping an open mind will expand your perception in ways you have never imagined. Try it out!