Day 381 - Living Life: It's Not So Hard

This post is a general post about several specific instances where I found that applying myself wasn't nearly as bad as I was making it up to be in my mind.

• Public speaking
• Reading a book
• Writing a blog post
• Learning a 'difficult' subject
• Making a sandwich
• Waking up and getting out of bed
• and many other physical movements

In my past, I've avoiding this issue by going with the flow of it. If there was a discomfort in relation to doing or saying something, I wouldn't do it unless there was a really high reward, or a really negative consequence motivating me. Which brings into question: Was I every really making choices, or was I just being continuously swayed by my inner, reactive experiences to external stimuli?

As I've been walking this Journey to Life process, the aspect of my driving motivation has come into question often. I see that I'm moving from a self-interested, zombie-like human being, into a more considerate and responsible human being. Part of that process requires that I push myself to speak and act within an honor and integrity, even if I don't feel like it. So there is a battle between mind-consciousness generated feelings and emotions and other mind-consciousness generated feelings.

This is the nature of the inner struggle. It is the design of polarity that the mind uses to ensnare us in dilemmas that were not ever real to begin with. The solution is to create a structure for oneself. We are only ever a breath away from stabilizing in our physical body. The trick is to realize when we're in the throes of our mind reality, and this is accomplished largely by placing in a structure that serves as a self-supportive flag point to realize who self is in the bigger picture. As soon as the realization hits: STOP, BREATHE.

What I've noticed more vividly in recent times is that when we get to the point of applying ourselves within any physical movement, it's almost never as bad as we've worked it up to be in our heads. So, to begin phase one of implementing a preventative structure, I'm going to walk the self-forgiveness to disengage myself from the magnetic-like adherence of Self to/within/as Mind. Then the commitment statements serve to provide a new set of rules or structure for how I will direct myself when external stimulus comes in, essentially rewriting my inner script with awareness, moving from self-interested self-abuse into self-aware expression of what is best for all life.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my living expression through participating in the throes of consciousness when faced with a physical participation act that I have resistance toward. In this, I realize that the initial resistance is the first sign of participating in the energetic struggle of the mind. When and as I see myself desiring to do something else, something other than what I originally intended to do, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to consider the biggest picture, to sit and write everything out on paper if I must, and to push myself through any resistance-energy that comes up so that I may focus on my responsibilities with the highest priority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my thoughts that come up as excuses and justifications are valid. I see here that with my self-generated excuses comes a specific energy signature that resonants: "this is true; I am right." Within that, I realize that I am automatically believing the thoughts that come up in my mind because I believe myself to be those thoughts, and I don't want to contradict myself! I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decide to fight for my excuses to be right. Just because they came up first and automatically, doesn't mean that I must obey this initial thought. When and as I'm in resistance energy, and I see myself going into and with my first thought, I stop, I breathe. I remember that I am making a decision of who I am in a single moment. Do I really want to be with/as an excuse? Is that all I choose to express, my own limitations? I commit myself to breathe and sort out my decision process, in retrospect, when I see that I am not the directive principle of my life. I commit myself to applying the tool of asking myself: "Is this really what I want to being doing right now?" And answering this self-honestly.

When and as I see myself thrown into the inner consciousness struggle through a moment of fear, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am not an expression of fear, unless I am within and as the mind consciousness system. I commit myself to breathe into my physical body and push through the fear, no matter how uncomfortable it is. I realize that this commitment will require time and constant application. I realize that I will not be perfect in the beginning, and thus I commit myself to allow myself to fall and fail; however, I also commit myself to investigate the timeline of external and internal events that produced that consequence, so that I may walk the self-forgiveness and align the correction within me, so that next time, I am prepared to direct myself despite the energetic draw into a mental self-sabotaging experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of inner conflict when faced with such a simple task as making a sandwich. I realize that the deeper issue within this is facing uncertainty. This relationship with uncertainty requires further investigation and structure. I commit myself to bringing this point through into writing in a future post. For now, I commit myself to recording the experience and flow of events when faced with uncertainty. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize the mind entry point of uncertainty. More on this to come.

I see, realize, and understand that there are many versions of resistance energy. The nature, the experience, how they feel and the perception of the power they have over me - it is all what I make it to be, what I accept it to be, what I allow it to be. Within this, I realize that I must create a structure for each form of energy that scoops me up into a mind-based perception of reality. Every specific instance where I allow myself to become thought, feeling or emotion requires a specific structured flag point. At the end of this process I will only ever exist as a breath, as one and equal with all existence, as a participant who chooses to direct himself and his world within the common sense principle of what is best for all.

Until then, I commit myself to investigate everything and keep what is best.

photo source

Day 310 - Splurge Time

I create a feeling of being able to splurge a little with my time whenever I've "been good." Kind of like a dietary splurge when one has been eating healthy, why not treat oneself to a little cheat-treat? It's a form of self-deception and it adds up more than I had realized thus far.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it's ok to justify my resistance toward work and being productive after I have accomplished something.

A form of this came up today with my friend. We both agreed that we experience some kind of "I'm spent" and unable to do anything more after a day of work. It's a creation in my head. It probably stems back to when I was rewarded for being good as a child. I formed a habit of expectation. And it's even interesting to take a step back and look the design of reward after going through something undesirable. Instead of investigating the relationship toward the undesirable object (i.e. work, vegetables) and releasing that system, it appears that I've been conditioned to rather cover up my negative experience and forget about it by moving into a positive experience (i.e. video game, ice cream) for a moment. And then on to the next moment until the pattern repeats again. Silly human tendency.

My relationship to sugar will need extensive investigation. There will be a bit of overlap here, as sometimes I use food/sweets as a time related distraction, but my focus is on how I let myself be overly unproductive through justification of needing to balance/reward being productive with my time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define productivity through/as a positive charge that requires energy and a polarity out flow of negatively charged laziness/relaxation. There is an underlying dynamic that is interesting where productivity has a negative charge on it, making it hard to bring myself to this state vs. the polarity positive charge on lazy/relaxation/ease. So, there is a polarity balance within productivity alone, as well as lazy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT realize that I am maintaining charges on these words 'productivity' and 'lazy' that are cycling through polarity and manifesting as experiential cycles that cause friction and conflict within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to positively and negatively charge 'lazy/relaxation' - instead of relaxing being simply that which it is - without a mental desire/avoidance mechanism in place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be lazy because I perceive it as easy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire the easy life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see being lazy or relaxing as 'bad', as this is utilized by me to feel guilt or judge myself for not being 'good', effectively perpetuating the cycle of internal friction and conflict = no self-change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to positively and negatively charge 'productivity' - instead of seeing productivity simply as a necessary part of life to get stuff done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be productive because then I will be rewarded.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see productivity only in contrast to the positive reward, as something that I must to be able to move forward. In this, I have externalized my motivation and removed myself from the sole driver of me as being self-responsible, and in that productive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get caught up in a reward cycle, losing awareness of time in the context of the day and what else I can or should be doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say/think "just one more round" without realizing the design of perpetuating my abdication of my responsibility for myself, here in every moment.

When and as I see myself fighting with myself to get motivated and productive, I stop I breathe. I realize that I'm in an internal polarity conflict because I have energetically charged who I am in relation to work. I commit myself to assist and support myself in becoming aware of how I have created myself in relation to productivity as difficult and relaxation as reward. This system is not helping me to be as effective as I can be.

When and as I see myself delaying work or maintaining distraction, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have an ultimate responsibility for myself and my decisions within every moment. I commit myself to acknowledging that I am unable to divert, avoid, or excuse myself from the consequences that will ensue from me not wanting to take responsibility for myself here. *Here = one moment and all moments.

I commit myself to realizing the significance of what is here and who I am in relation to whatever is here. This is who I am. I am defined by my relationships, and yet I allow them to flow out from my past, and blame my past an the people that have shaped me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others, and not always recognize my self-responsibility for the entirety of myself within what is here. This being my past/present creating my future. I am responsible for this process even though it appears automated and uncontrollable.

I commit myself to continue investigating my automation AND taking responsibility for it.

Day 259 - The Longer Shortcut

Problem:

It amazes me how much I can do during a day and still not get around to the things I really wanted to do. This is the result of a particular type of laziness where I allow myself to justify delaying my original tasks because the secondary tasks are productive. Hence, I feel temporarily productive, on track, getting ahead on other responsibilities. So, there's a false sense of moving faster by moving quickly, YET chaotically. This is a 'slow and steady wins the race' kind of deal.

Typical run of the program looks like: Intention set -> excuse to not do it right now, which is a multitude of vaguely justifiable activities. This procrastination system is deep rooted, and I've dug in to it a bit here and there since Day 2 - Procrastinating on Purpose. I've accumulated enough moments of procrastination and build a solid laziness character. Is this who I want to be? A being bogged down by a residual energetic enslavement? I can't allow this anymore.

Solution:

I realize that I do not have to allow the energy/feeling of laziness be my directive principle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continually submit to the energetic movements of resistance and lethargy that pop up within me when faced with working on my primary responsibilities that I have set for myself.

The only way I'm going to stop this pattern is by stopping it myself. Waiting, hoping, wishing, wanting haven't amounted to much. I realize that I must stand strong and breathe through the moment of desire to divert from my work. When and as I see justifications come up, I stop I breathe. I consider the point in a practical, level-headed manor so that I do not sabotage myself with simply wanting to remain in the positive energy.

I commit myself to write down the tasks/points that need to be directed after I am done walking the current point. Within this, I commit myself to stop myself from walking down a windy road unnecessarily. A to B, point to point.

Reward:

Developing the skill of self-direction will serve me for all of my years to come. A stability will be my starting point when facing any "difficult" situation. The reactions no longer dictate who I am in relation to...'my hot buttons.'  Riding the breath, not the energy.

There will be time saved as I become more focused and able to organize tasks. Within this I'll be more able to clearly see when a secondary task has merit or if it's more a method of escaping the primary task.

Ability to take on more responsibility when I stop cycling between, 'having the time to waste' and playing catch-up.

--
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cycle between having time to kill and barely having enough time to finish my primary responsibility of the day, not realizing that I have bought into my own excuses and justifications to ride within positive energy movements without any regard or consideration for the actual consequences.

When and as I see myself moving within a justification that supports delay, I stop I breathe. I realize that just because I'm doing work, it doesn't necessarily mean I'm being productive. I commit myself to breathe and consider the my work situation in common sense, write if it seems too much, and move myself within a directive principle that supports what's best for me and ultimately all as one and equal with me.

This blog is my birthing grounds. Thanks for reading.

photo credit

Day 141 - Establishing Self-Leadership

Continuing with the first delay point from Day 140.

This character that I'm about to open up is one that I've largely been unconscious of and has been basically active since birth. My mother has been my primary leader for my whole life, and I haven't yet established myself as the primary reality creator of my world. Haha, kind of a big point, but then again, most of them are, or seem to be.

This character pattern has come to my attention because I've been back in my home environment after college, and there is a tendency to allow my mother to still create the vibe of my day, as her tendency is to continue to do so. Interestingly, when my dad is home from work, he still keeps his work ethic in motion and I find myself to be more productive around the home in helping him out. I generally match his efforts in contributing the household chores and whatnot. And in college, I also went with the flow of social life, only taking care of my responsibilities when I absolutely had to. Interesting realization, I must proclaim.

Initially, my perception was how the environment stimulated me differently, and I liked how life was "faster" with more to do and more being done in my college setting. What I didn't see within holding that perception is how I am blaming my environment for my lifestyle choices. It eerily seems like I've never really been making lifestyle choices and more just going with the flow of my fears and desires in different social contexts. This pre-determination flow is the mainstream argument against free-will. The desteni material suggests that when we become the directive principle of our lives, one with the physical, we can change our pre-determined destiny, and yet there still is no 'free-will'...but I won't get into that now :)

Here, my goal is to unravel how/why I've been abdicating the responsibility of self-leadership. The whole point of this blog and the Desteni I Process is to establish self-honesty and the effective leadership of self. So, this primal resistance of delay within my day-to-day living shall be one of the first serious habitual processes to go. And so I write:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I've abdicated my responsibility of self-leadership through continuing the childhood existence-orientation of being guided by others/mother/external factors.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the external forces for my day-to-day living/existence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to so easily move into delay/procrastination and not realize the consequence compromising self within the total picture of daily productivity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to utilize other's actions/inaction to justify or excuse my (lack of) self-direction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and others as being lazy/unproductive instead of realizing myself within the solution of self-direction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that self-direction is too difficult or undesirable and stopping there, instead of simply writing about any resistance that I experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that in writing about my resistances, I am directing myself through self-forgiveness and corrective application statements to stand as the solution within actualized realizations.

When and as I see myself moving into to delay because others in my environment are in delay, I stop I breathe. I realize that is process of establishing self-leadership requires that I lead myself and that in allowing the energy of others to direct me, I am abdicating the responsibility towards self and others as one.

I commit myself to stop allowing external forces to dictate and determine my energy, attitude and work ethic.

I commit myself to no longer justify or excuse my decisions on the basis that "if others are doing it, so can I."

I commit myself to becoming acquainted with the stability of self, here, within the physical, and no longer allowing the energy of my environment to determine who I am in relation.

I commit myself to continue to push through resistances through writing about them as this has already proven to be effective, and the alternative of allowing the resistance energy to direct me has consistently proven to be an ineffective submission experience.

I commit myself to stopping the judgement of self and others being lazy by standing within this point and effective directing it.

I commit myself to show others, by example, that effective self-leadership is possible.

--

If you would like to begin supporting yourself in becoming the directive principle of your world, I highly recommend starting by learning the structure of effective self-freedom writing here: