Day 259 - The Longer Shortcut

Problem:

It amazes me how much I can do during a day and still not get around to the things I really wanted to do. This is the result of a particular type of laziness where I allow myself to justify delaying my original tasks because the secondary tasks are productive. Hence, I feel temporarily productive, on track, getting ahead on other responsibilities. So, there's a false sense of moving faster by moving quickly, YET chaotically. This is a 'slow and steady wins the race' kind of deal.

Typical run of the program looks like: Intention set -> excuse to not do it right now, which is a multitude of vaguely justifiable activities. This procrastination system is deep rooted, and I've dug in to it a bit here and there since Day 2 - Procrastinating on Purpose. I've accumulated enough moments of procrastination and build a solid laziness character. Is this who I want to be? A being bogged down by a residual energetic enslavement? I can't allow this anymore.

Solution:

I realize that I do not have to allow the energy/feeling of laziness be my directive principle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continually submit to the energetic movements of resistance and lethargy that pop up within me when faced with working on my primary responsibilities that I have set for myself.

The only way I'm going to stop this pattern is by stopping it myself. Waiting, hoping, wishing, wanting haven't amounted to much. I realize that I must stand strong and breathe through the moment of desire to divert from my work. When and as I see justifications come up, I stop I breathe. I consider the point in a practical, level-headed manor so that I do not sabotage myself with simply wanting to remain in the positive energy.

I commit myself to write down the tasks/points that need to be directed after I am done walking the current point. Within this, I commit myself to stop myself from walking down a windy road unnecessarily. A to B, point to point.

Reward:

Developing the skill of self-direction will serve me for all of my years to come. A stability will be my starting point when facing any "difficult" situation. The reactions no longer dictate who I am in relation to...'my hot buttons.'  Riding the breath, not the energy.

There will be time saved as I become more focused and able to organize tasks. Within this I'll be more able to clearly see when a secondary task has merit or if it's more a method of escaping the primary task.

Ability to take on more responsibility when I stop cycling between, 'having the time to waste' and playing catch-up.

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cycle between having time to kill and barely having enough time to finish my primary responsibility of the day, not realizing that I have bought into my own excuses and justifications to ride within positive energy movements without any regard or consideration for the actual consequences.

When and as I see myself moving within a justification that supports delay, I stop I breathe. I realize that just because I'm doing work, it doesn't necessarily mean I'm being productive. I commit myself to breathe and consider the my work situation in common sense, write if it seems too much, and move myself within a directive principle that supports what's best for me and ultimately all as one and equal with me.

This blog is my birthing grounds. Thanks for reading.

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Day 252 - Where Rubber Hits the Road

Ok, I'm at the breaking point.

How will I proceed?

I can write about self-change only so much more. If I do not start living the changes I want to see, then I need to reassess who I am in this process. Why do I continue to write with energy and not live my words as one and equal expression of myself?

Yesterday I wrote about this idealized inner self. That's what I am unleashing when I write. So there is this deattachment from reality as I write in separation of my actual, lived participation. This is a critical error that needs to be looked at from every angle because if I only see it through one dimension...I am a failure. And all I'm good at is failing. Not a healthy perspective.

The reality is that I'm walking a multidimensional process. To sort out all that is at play in my mind takes patience, I realize that. I also realize that my writing is only serving to clarify what's going on within me, FOR ME to take into consideration and apply what I discover in the moment that matters most. The moment of change. The moment of caving, and letting the desire/fear take over my directive capacity.

So I'm in this physical dimension, and walking many dimensions of my personalities through writing, so eventually I'll reach that point of having accumulated enough perspective to become more aware of my directive processes. This point, like a tipping point, is where I have seen enough of myself to no longer be able to stand within my energetic programmed existence of push and pull. And when I've had enough, I change. Can't bear the shame.

I stop, I breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not realize the consequences of inaction, of being aloof.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only attempt self-change through reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget to breathe when I want to align with what is best for me and all life equally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop an inner self-concept that looks/feels better than the realistic version of myself, creating a false sense of security as who I am..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can change through realization alone, therefore all I believed I was responsible for was this fun, structured blogging and then self-change would just naturally unfold.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my responsibility to breathe and become the self-director of who I am in the moment of change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility to myself to be self-directive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not sound my self-forgiveness out loud to live and breathe the words to life. In this, I have been only walking my realizations of desired self-change in writing. Very similar to paying attention in class and yet not ever doing homework (another school personality of mine).

When and as I see myself faltering in the moment of self-change, I stop I breathe. I realize that I may or may not have the context to make sense out of what is moving me. I commit myself to study and examine the energies that move me without my permission. I commit myself to start standing up within myself as life within equality and oneness to direct myself in a common sense way. Self-sabotage is going out of style.


Tomorrow I'm going to dig deeper into my relationship to speaking self-forgiveness aloud and figuring out the differences of only writing vs sounding it as well.

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Day 240 - Timing and Responsibility in my Hands

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into place with energy in such a way that I only know how to move within energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel lonely when I do not have a positive energy guiding me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I know how to be successful only within and through energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to take responsibility for myself from a starting point of what is here physically.

At the moment I am experiencing a bit of tiredness, ran around a lot today, and with this tiredness, I am frantically searching for viable distractions, my mind races with ideas to not have to face what is here, which is the physical keystrokes and this computer screen. As I sit and choose not to participate in the distractions, I realize that I have to use like an inverse energy experience of imagining the dissatisfaction I would have with myself for indulging in the non-productive time sinks. For example, I could go down the stairs and eat some chocolate ice cream with peanut butter and watch a little of whatever my mother is watching on the television. I would typically just go for it through justifying it with backchat, "it won't that that long."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that each moment and activity related to delay add together and accumulate. I do not want to be accumulating the consequence of a immediate desire fulfillment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my responsibility into the hands of my future self, believing that I will be be able to just do everything later. This is not leadership. This is sneaky form of complacency. "Oh, I'm so able, I can just do it later." There is this underlying belief that I do not need to work as hard right now because I can catch up to the average work ethic. It's a perpetuation of my past ability to work under pressure and get things done at the last minute. This method seemed to free up a lot of time for the cost of being in slave-mode for only a brief sprint at the end.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delude my potential production by subscribing to the belief that I only need to just get by and fit in with the majority. At the same time, I had held the belief that I was a top tier human being, I was just to afraid to fail, so I had never put myself out there within leadership roles. I had inverted. I focused on becoming an effective leader of myself. It seemed like a smart choice, but what happened was no real accountability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others as less than me purely so I could feel like my imagined greatness of self was legitimate, not realizing that others were actually showing me myself. All this time I have been building this self-concept, and only occasionally acting to achieve my goals. There was always more time..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay the responsibility I have toward myself in developing my talents and abilities through applying myself in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on external motivation to produce.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the extent of self-compromise at play through participating within my ego and believing I am who I think I am.

It's a curious thing, this allowance of my internal make-believe world as a reference point and a starting point. As I progress in diffusing the charges of limited perspective inherent in these personality programs, I start to wonder how I ever could have been so foolish, but that's just another program of self-criticism. The reality is, the chain of events that lead me to where I was and am today. All things considered, there is no secret. Only responsibility to direct oneself to support what is best, best for all.

I will continue to decipher my resistance in being a responsible citizen of this earth so that I may become increasingly effective within stabilized self-motivation and share with you how I did it. Thanks.

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The direction of the world is related to how much responsibility

the individual is willing to take.