Day 350 - Deliberate Irresponsibility

I couldn't decide between 'deliberate self-sabotage' and 'irresponsible living' for this post title, so I combined the two. Basically, I have stayed up to extremely late hours of the night for the past two nights and for what? Entertainment. Some media shenanigans. To sit down, stare at a screen and wait for a chuckling experience.

I say, "no more!" This is a habit or pattern that I've been integrating into my beingness for many years. Just compounding the escapism. "I'm too tired to work or write a blog, but yeah let's do a TV show mini marathon." There's a similar design in bad eating habits too. "I don't want to eat responsibly because..., but sure I'll have a cookie. Oh that's a nice cookie...one more sounds good. Probably shouldn't have another..."(has another). And henceforth becomes pure denial and self destruction.

Okay. Now the point is here. Ready to be opened up! Reminder: do not move fast & self-honestly assess each and every dynamic that's with in this. First fear - Commitment. To actually walk a point through to completion requires a seriousness within/as the commitment to see it through. This is a fear relationship that I have long avoided. In fact, there are many points that I deliberately avoided because of some fear of loss or attachment that I've defined myself according to. I would get too overwhelmed to try and list them all here in one go, which is exactly how I as ego would approach assessing myself because through becoming overwhelmed, I delude myself into the mess that results when you do not investigate all things thoroughly.

So even now, my tendency is to just start looking for the other fears that are involved in this irresponsibility character I have going on. But ahhh; Till here no further. I stop, I breathe, and I investigate one point at a time.

I commit myself to actually investigating every single aspect comprising my relationship to the word 'commitment'. First and foremost, in the context of accomplishment. Within this, I realize that many dimensions will open up, and thus I commit myself to meticulously record all of what comes up while investigating this relationship to commitment and responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid doing self-forgiveness, and to rather now sleep...

(several days later)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to do what is best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify on a whim, not being responsible by recklessly overindulging in media to intentionally avoid facing responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately delay responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I must eventually, directly face the consequences of abdicating responsibility in a moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that "I have the time" to waste from within a perspective of ignorance where I do not take into consideration all of those who literally do not have any extra time to spare. The single mother working two jobs to support her and her kids. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I am responsible for the single mother of two through my acceptance and allowance of the system as it is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am entitled to my financial position in the world.

That's a powerful one. I can't believe that I've had this belief still running in the background. There are some serious implications here, and this point must be realigned within me. I commit myself to realizing and understanding the limitation of myself in the context of all within my relationship to money. It's cool how the money relationship came up here because even though I wasn't expecting it, it's a crucial component involved with abdicating responsibility.

I also forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to move slowly and thoroughly in my process, and within this for allowing a fast movement/reaction into delay and deliberate distraction. This is no long accepted in my life. I commit myself to leading a life filled with good habits in the absence of bad habits. To be more clear, I commit myself to be self-honest when deciding how to spend my time, and when and as I see myself in a pattern of choosing escapism over work, I stop, I breathe.

I breathe again, bring myself back into my body, breathe, and look at where I'm at, who am I here, and what is the bigger picture. Then I make a self directive decision.

More to come. Thanks for being patient with me.

photo source

Day 322 - How to effectively practice self-restraint

Recognizing the moments when I am not applying self-restraint is somewhat elusive. It's like I don't want to recognize my delay energy possession, but then I have to consciously choose to face it (uncomfortable) or not (consequential, and thus also uncomfortable). There is a feeling preference to hide it as best I can and just go with it. This is not self-honest.

So, for me to seriously begin facing my various self-compromising personalities, I will have to prepare for some discomfort. Writing is my preparation process.

It's critical to be thorough and practical within my writing. It is here that I set my course for action, but it's important to also realize that writing alone does nothing. I've been watching my self write and write and write on this topic of delay/procrastination, and it sometimes feel like I'm not making any progress. This is partially true. My starting point with a lot of my writing so far has been for others, not for me to effectively support myself in moving written words as self-realization into practical application, self-change.

The gap is between existing as knowledge, and existing here, where knowledge is practically applied. What are my barriers in closing this gap? A relatively mild discomfort & fear of the unknown. Is this really how I want to shape and define my life? Through a perceptual, programmed discomfort and fear of fully expressing myself? No.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the importance of writing specifically, to the point, and self-honestly. Without my serious commitment to support what is best for myself, I will let something slide, and the consequences of doing so have been vastly misunderstood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that consequences of skimming the surface are next to nothing, through the belief that "it's ok to skim the surface at first. I will get deeper later on, once I've skimmed the whole surface."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that procrastination is beneficial because it gives me more time to orient to the real issue at hand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking the tasks of life without delay, through fear of failure.

Linked: Fear of Failure & Delay (delay subtly/slowly manifests failure)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately NOT see, realize and understand how/when I am within an energy possession because of wanting to avoid discomfort.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone my participation within my responsibilities out of fearing that I will fail or not do a good job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up before I even attempt to assert my self-will.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define self-restraint as difficult.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I cannot handle the discomfort of facing my self honestly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid discomfort, and not see how I am compounding and creating more discomfort. What you resist, persists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the connection between short-term and long-term when it comes to time management and as well, consequence. The bigger picture includes all terms, and in self-honesty, nothing hidden.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is an easy way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire an easy way out of the mind consciousness programming.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive myself as already beyond of all of my personal problems through selective self-perception.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the consequences of selective self-perception.

When and as I see myself within an energy associated with delay/postponement/procrastination, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is my moment, my window of opportunity, to stop myself from participating in an energetic character in separation of Self here. I also realize that there is a resistance and discomfort associated with pushing through this energy and effectively restraining self from reacting to and participating in  it. I commit myself to pause, and look at myself in self-honesty. I commit myself to not fear the discomfort. I commit myself to push through the discomfort. I commit myself to fully exposing myself to myself, so that I may give myself an clear look at my options: to either follow the energy and suffer worse consequences later, or face the consequence now and enjoy the rest of time.

I commit myself to stop hiding consequential outflows because I do not want to face the discomfort in a given moment. This is self-dishonest, and if I were to seriously and honestly see the consequences of delay, I am certain that I would rather face the music here, now.

When and as I see myself writing my process blog for the sake of 'daily writing' as a rule imposed by an external force, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am not writing to impress anyone with my daily writing commitment. I am here to establish effective, livable commitments that equates to me effectively taking control of and responsibility for myself, and eventually expanding that once I have become stable in my application and am able to handle more responsibility. I commit myself to stop making excuses for why I can't or why I don't want to do something in a moment. I don't have time to skate around on the surface. Investigate why and which fears keep me from being specific, direct, comprehensive and effective.

I commit myself to write about specific forms of resistance as they come up, so that through understanding, I am able to move myself effectively into self-application and self-change.

This is not just practice. This is not empty words. This is me. This is my expression. If I do not mean what I say, there is a problem. If I do not implement and direct myself within my written word, there is a disconnect that must not be accepted and allowed. Between writing, and speaking my process out loud, I commit myself to establishing expressive stability that is self-honest.

I commit myself to stop floating as an idea of myself.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to live here, one and equal with my written word, my spoken word, my self-expression, the physical reality, life. To not take this process seriously is a point that must be investigated. No time to waste, so if time is wasted, self-honestly investigate the reason. Remember the pros/cons, benefits and consequences of self-restraint and momentary mental indulgence.

:)

Day 318 - Am I Serious?

I just discovered an interesting design in myself that I had not really considered before. I was reading this post from A Skeptic's Journey to Life called The paranoia of "not being taken seriously", and when I started to relate to it, memories popped up of me deliberately going into an non-seriousness to avoid conflict and/or judgment.

What is it that's going on here when I feel I need to act less than seriously? There are a few things coming up, and I hesitate to slap a quick answer on this question. I will need to spend some serious time with point :)

First thing that comes up is not wanting to take responsibility for / own up to a particular perception that I have made. As if I'm trying to escape a potential embarrassing situation that I have created through thoughts in my secret mind (the stuff I don't want to share). Like for instance if I have made a negative judgement of someone, I would have departed from physical hereness to create this thought, and when I return there is a sense of needing to explain myself. Or maybe it's a shame for even having gone there. Perhaps this moment of internal discomfort is a reaction to not being able to be completely open and honest with my company. It appears there is compounding consequence for participating in the secret mind.

There is also this idea that I hold that being less serious is attractive. I am able to get more positive social reactions with a lighthearted and positive demeanor. I've always liked when people like me, so to be funny has held a value that outweighed being serious and honest with myself and others.

To be serious with myself...why does this point stand out to me? There must be a bit of sorting myself out to do before I understand what's going on here...Why am I not serious with myself? What am I afraid of? How has this relationship of seriousness with self affected how I've been living my life? interacting with others?

I stop, I breathe.

Reckless ego. Caring only about what appeals to me, not considering the totality of consequence and personal responsibility for my thoughts, words and actions.

Without self-honesty, I'd still be lost in my mind creating consequence that I wouldn't even take responsibility for. I see now how I've hurt others and myself by not being serious, and just allowing my mind to keep selective focus and keep moving forward with little regard for anything outside of my narrow focus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the total effect of my choices through and as not taking responsibility for my thoughts, words, and actions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist what I do not like about myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trying to hiding the personal responsibility of consequences that are not pleasant.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be selective with my perception and value placement. While I may have been aware of the consequences that I am responsible for, it is no longer acceptable to let particular incidents slide by because it is uncomfortable to recognize consciously.

Going deep. Stay tuned.

photo credit

Day 252 - Where Rubber Hits the Road

Ok, I'm at the breaking point.

How will I proceed?

I can write about self-change only so much more. If I do not start living the changes I want to see, then I need to reassess who I am in this process. Why do I continue to write with energy and not live my words as one and equal expression of myself?

Yesterday I wrote about this idealized inner self. That's what I am unleashing when I write. So there is this deattachment from reality as I write in separation of my actual, lived participation. This is a critical error that needs to be looked at from every angle because if I only see it through one dimension...I am a failure. And all I'm good at is failing. Not a healthy perspective.

The reality is that I'm walking a multidimensional process. To sort out all that is at play in my mind takes patience, I realize that. I also realize that my writing is only serving to clarify what's going on within me, FOR ME to take into consideration and apply what I discover in the moment that matters most. The moment of change. The moment of caving, and letting the desire/fear take over my directive capacity.

So I'm in this physical dimension, and walking many dimensions of my personalities through writing, so eventually I'll reach that point of having accumulated enough perspective to become more aware of my directive processes. This point, like a tipping point, is where I have seen enough of myself to no longer be able to stand within my energetic programmed existence of push and pull. And when I've had enough, I change. Can't bear the shame.

I stop, I breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not realize the consequences of inaction, of being aloof.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only attempt self-change through reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget to breathe when I want to align with what is best for me and all life equally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop an inner self-concept that looks/feels better than the realistic version of myself, creating a false sense of security as who I am..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can change through realization alone, therefore all I believed I was responsible for was this fun, structured blogging and then self-change would just naturally unfold.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my responsibility to breathe and become the self-director of who I am in the moment of change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility to myself to be self-directive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not sound my self-forgiveness out loud to live and breathe the words to life. In this, I have been only walking my realizations of desired self-change in writing. Very similar to paying attention in class and yet not ever doing homework (another school personality of mine).

When and as I see myself faltering in the moment of self-change, I stop I breathe. I realize that I may or may not have the context to make sense out of what is moving me. I commit myself to study and examine the energies that move me without my permission. I commit myself to start standing up within myself as life within equality and oneness to direct myself in a common sense way. Self-sabotage is going out of style.


Tomorrow I'm going to dig deeper into my relationship to speaking self-forgiveness aloud and figuring out the differences of only writing vs sounding it as well.

picture credit

Day 251 - Embarrassing to Underperform

Voluntary Embarrassment by Brittanysoup

Today, I had a lot to do, and a lot of time to do it all. It's embarrassing to admit...so I will, for the sake of self-honest investigation! I began the day with a solid work ethic/attitude, and it surprisingly decayed with the opportunity to allow it to.

Why did I allow distraction and mind system take over? Good question. I do not want to see this point. It is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing? In my DIP lesson material this month, I took a closer look at embarrassment. At the base of it, embarrassment is really just a fear of change with fear of loss at the root. To phrase it practically: I have this idealized idea of myself, and when it doesn't align with how others see me, I lose that idealized idea of myself because my externalized self-definition (a.k.a. looking glass self) doesn't mach. I construct who I see myself as through the feedback of who I am according to how others perceive me, and yet I also formulate this internal idealized self image.

Now, taking a step back to look at this design: It appears that I am holding myself back from a stabilized work ethic by living with an internal friction, created by the internal idealized self and the external feedback self. This is a point of polarity, and there are a few dimensions within it. It's starting to get messy, so I'm taking this slow and writing out each detail as it becomes clear to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a strong and hard worker in separation of my actual lived work ethic.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing this internal self-definition of strength as a positive work ethic when I cross reference with reality and what others would see/think of me if they were to know the truth of how I am actually spending my time. In this, I hadn't realized how others can be a point of support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to hide from others the reality of myself as my lived application of myself to delay the onset of facing the reality of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to maintain an internal, positive self-concept with the impression that by doing so, I can avoid the negative feeling of actual, lived underperformance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear embarrassment and further compromise myself by suppressing the realization of the reality of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my positivity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define positive thinking as valuable. In the face of reality, a positive, internal self-concept is an illusion and a deliberate denial of the harsh truth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have been living in denial so that I could simply maintain an internal feel-good happiness that I was able to manifest most of the time, completely suppressing all the bad shit I didn't want to see/acknowledge/announce.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what others will think of me if I am completely honest with myself.
--
When and as I see myself within an internal friction/conflict of trying to maintain an internal, positive self image, I stop I breathe. I realize that by ending this battle, I can see what is really here. What am I trying to hide from others? Why? I commit myself to breathing and asking myself these questions in preparation for writing self-forgiveness to release the pattern of self-compromise of semi-deliberate ignorance.

When and as I see myself embarrassed, I stop I breathe. I realize that I've created an unstable self-definition that I am afraid to lose. I commit myself to digging deeper into all points of instability within myself while breathing. Without the breathing, I am impossibly lost in polarity, reaction and overwhelmingness to be able to clearly see my dynamic participation in the mind.

When and as I see myself in a state of stubbornly fighting for my positive/idealized, internal self image, I stop I breath. I realize this as a subtle, yet deliberate ignorance of reality. I realize this as avoidance. I realize this pattern for what it is. I commit myself to stop accumulating consequence by choosing to be self-dishonest in a moment of necessary humility.

For now, this is all I am comfortable committing to. I have realized a consequence of writing/speaking when it's not for self, with self, of self. Tomorrow I'l get into sounding self-forgiveness, getting to work, and stabilizing as the living word. Thanks for reading me.

Day 248 - General Specificity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being over general with my self-investigation in a way that is akin to "BSing" school work or "fluff writing."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define generalized writing as bad because it isn't specific enough to be really effective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that a generalized writing form can serve as necessary, initial stepping stones in my Journey to Life process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear moving no where and making no progress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my efforts are futile, not realizing that by allowing this fear to direct me, I create and manifest the effect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not dedicate more time, earlier in the day, to my writing and investigation process, leaving me with no choice but to whip out a quickie at the end of the day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only write the generalized dimension of a single point and then move on faster than I can realize what I've begun to discover.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become disinterested in the specifics of a single point because it isn't as easy as the flow of an initial opening/discovery writing form.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the specific dimensions of writing as 'hard' and 'too difficult' where I do not even allow myself to try going deeper.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing in relation to self-change if I write within depth and specificity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the opportunity to try.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that if I fall, I can try again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the design of fearing to fail is keeping me from trying, keeping my from falling, and keeping me from getting back up and becoming stronger, and thus, fearing to fail = failing.
--
When and as I see myself writing a generalized, surface level dimension of a point, I realize that this is just the first stage, and to not fear my inability to bring the point through a specific and thorough writing investigation. Here, I stop I breathe. I commit myself to writing about what comes up in a moment and when it's a point that I have already written on, I commit myself to reading and rediscovering within the prior post, how can I go deeper, what have I missed.

When and as I see myself wanting to just get by with a simple, easy, general post at that end of the day, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am compromising myself through a subtle emotional outflow of self-defeatist backchat that I haven't explored. I commit myself to stand up and stop the self-abuse through the realization of who I am in a moment with the application of my breathing awareness.

When and as I see myself fearing that I am not being specific enough and/or not going deep enough into a single point and thus through that, fearing that I am wasting my time writing fluff, I stop I breathe. I realize that fear is not benefiting me, and through that realization, I commit myself to conducting immediate, vocalized self-forgiveness on the fear before it becomes an outflow of inaction and self-limitation.

When and as I see myself wanting to run away from my blog because I fear not being able to produce a quality post, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is the moment of truth, so to speak. This is my chance to push through fear/resistance and not allow myself to be directed by it in a way that yields what I fear. I commit myself to identifying all points of fear, ESPECIALLY within the general dimension, so that I may gain clarity on what is moving me. From there, I commit myself to push through the fear and resistance of going deeper so that I may flow within the specifics of process as well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot flow within the specific, thorough and more difficult dimensions simply because I haven't been able to nor have I given myself the time to practice my depth/specificity writing.
--
When and as I see myself fall, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can get up after a fall. I realize that I do not have to define myself as a failure because of this fall. I commit myself to standing back up and doing whatever it takes to press forward.

When the going gets tough, the tough get going. Here I am.

Day 226 - Nail Biting: Failure

OK, I'm going to dispel a layer of resistance I've been facing with regards to my nail biting habit. Since my first attempt to stop biting my nails 210 days ago (damn), I've experienced a limiting shame, discouragement, and embarrassment associated with failing in the stopping of my nail biting habit. I have been delaying returning to the point because I've been waiting for some external help, knowledge, or just becoming more effective with my self-forgiveness.

And that's another point, I blamed my ineffectiveness on my weakness within self-forgiveness. Man, that's an ugly sentence. And the one following shows how my shame has been limiting me in refacing this point. AND that sentence show's my reluctance still yet to take responsibility for myself. I blame the shame, and go into delay. It's a 'mental route,' if you will, that leads me back into enslavement. I'm beginning to grasp just how dangerous blame can be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that through manifesting my fear of failure by allowing my participation within the emotions of shame, embarrassment and discouragement, I have been justifying my reluctance to face this point more thoroughly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become unmotivated to continue my investigation of my nail biting because of how I think others would see me as a failure, or "taking too long" or "writing too much" about this point of nail biting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that by being honest with my self here, I am able to really walk this point in the necessary depth it will take to be effective, and in the process, other's may read the detail of my story How I actually stopped biting my nails.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of going deeper into my mental patterns and habits because of a fear of failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and justify the thought "If I am thorough, and fail, I am screwed."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am manifesting failure through the fear of failure based thought "If I really try hard, and fail, I am hopeless and all I've worked at through self-forgiveness is pointless." Ok, this is opening up. Amazing to actually see what self is thinking by placing it into writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the time to become intimate with myself through writing exploration of the various surface points that come up in relation to the "big" points that seem "impossible" to deal with. In this, I realize that I have not permitted myself a real shot because I want change to happen now, instantly, fast.

Realizing also, that I did in fact have backchat thoughts toward my initial attempt to stop nail biting on Day 14, 15 & 16; which was something like, "I'll span this one out over 3 whole days, so then it'll have to work."

When and as I see myself projecting how long it will take to change, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a subtle yet valid externalization of responsibility to time. I commit myself to the continual realization that I am responsible to living and changing me.

When and as I see myself desiring change to happen fast, I stop I breathe. I realize that change can only happen as fast as I allow, and that when there is resistance to change, further investigation is required. I commit myself to digging deep within the many layers contributing to my nail biting habit, and giving myself plenty of time and space to accomplish this. Thanks for this assistance Garbrielle.

When and as I see myself fearing that I will not be effective, I stop I breathe. I realize that through this fear, I manifest the result of that which I fear. I commit myself to the breath-by-breath walk of self-change, giving me plenty of time and space, and stopping only when the point is cleared and I am stable within the change.

When and as I myself thinking that "big" points are "impossible," I stop I breathe. I realize that there are multidimensional layers of mental relationships that I have placed within seemingly giant points, such as nail biting. I commit myself to not attempt to go for the quick and easy fix, but realize the amount of work and will that is required to STOP myself, AND THEN take the necessary steps to CHANGE myself.

When and as I see myself failing IF I were to try, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have entered the mental space and forgotten about my breath and the practical application of my physical toward an outcome that is best for all. I commit myself to never again letting fear of failure perpetuate my resistance toward a point for an extended period of time without an agreement with myself.

The specific emotions that come up in relation to how I judge myself for biting my nails will be continued in installments to come. Thanks for reading.

For some fascinating perspective that assist with the point of facing failure and self-change:
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/03/day-316-sensitive-souls-how-to-face.html

Day 207 - Planning vs Energetic Motivation

My day was messed up today when I woke up later than planned. The order of events was screwed up and I allowed this to snowball for most of the day. Lots of patterns came up. Cool that I'm seeing them more clearly as I write about them, but I haven't been thorough enough to be effective. What is it to be effective within this Journey to Life? It is releasing the predictive programming with self-forgiveness AND writing a new law of self with a real commitment statement. Why have I not been effective with some of the patterns, like procrastination? I haven't finished. I haven't yet found each component to be able to specifically address them.

I can't beat myself up for not being effective. Obviously there is still work to do, so the real question is, do I react with my typical discouragement pattern when faced with "failure," or do I stop the reaction and direct the common sense response? Go into mind or be self-honest? Fall into the predictable self-destructive pattern or realize myself, here, able to act in any way choose? The cool part: indecision no longer exists from a self-honesty standpoint. Best for all is a no brainer.

Today, I realized that my writing on planning at the beginning of the year was not substantial. I have not become an excellent planner. I have not made a stable change of self, meaning I did not actually change. I rode an energized ideal for motivation to be a better planner. Probably like many others' new year's resolutions, the commitment fades until the next Jan. 1st. I begun to understand why new year's resolution do not work in this post, but I need to follow through with this.

I am realizing more and more what energetic motivation is because it isn't stable, it doesn't last, it's idealized, generalized and inconsistent. It's not in alignment with reality, it's a mental augmentation of what I would like reality to be. There is a separation through desiring a point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that self-change is easy accomplished by one general investigation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become disappointed with myself when I fail to remove a program on my first try.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my disappointment with discouragement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that process would be a simple plug and play program to erase all programs, not considering that I'd actually have to start living my commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply revert to old habits without investigating why or why I allowed the regression.
--
When and as I see that I am unstable within my Journey to Life because I am not giving myself the time to be serious with myself, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am here for me. I walk process for me 1st, then I can support others in their self process of/for themselves. I commit myself to taking the necessary steps to start walking this process for me alone. No more energetic BSing. Here, stable, real.

When and as I see myself being ineffective within moving a single point through process, I stop, I breathe, and I realize there is work to be done. I realize that going into the disappointment -> discouragement program, I am neglecting my responsibility of my self-living, here. I commit myself to focus on my breath, and write out the energy experience for specifically moving through process.

There is a growing understanding that Desteni I Process is not an automatic cure for all my problems, as I had initially hoped for it to be. Rather, it is actually serious life training in becoming a responsible human being. There is nothing automatic about reversing what we have automated within and of ourselves. I have to be here with every step. And I commit myself to doing whatever it takes to ending the internal resistance to living within every moment, within every breath.