Day 230 - Digging Deeper into Nails

cc: flickr

I received a comment on my post yesterday that got me thinking about how I have yet still to really consider who I am within my nail biting. I get that the actual nail biting isn't the source of the problem, and that's part of why my initial attempt on Day 14-16 didn't hold up. I was working within a reaction toward what I could directly see as "the problem,' which was that I was allowing my nail biting. I wasn't considering the layers behind it.

The point brought up in the comment by She who yesterday was working with the self-judgement that ensues from my nail biting. Indeed this is a layer of reaction that I need to let go of an stop participating in. While I was reflecting on that, biting my thumbnail and chatting with a friend online, I made an insightful connection between that self-judgement layer and a deeper layer of self-judgement. The relationship isn't clear, but I noticed that went I sent a text message to my friend online, I would be thinking about how it comes off to him, essentially worrying how he will react to my message. "Did it make sense?" was my most prominent concern. "Was it funny/witty?" "Would he respond favorably because of what I said?" Basically any thought pertaining to the successful continuance of a "good" conversation.

So, on the more apparent reaction layer of self-judgement, I have been getting lost in it and only seeing my nail biting habit through that layer. And within this connection of that layer and the deeper layer, I see that through really applying the concept of "who I am within it," my starting point of nail biting that is of anxiety (or at least one of the more common ones) is that fear of not being able to fit it with my word choice in a conversation. Nice, this is really opening up now.

Self-judgement on the deeper level has become an automated response to particular scenarios related to uncertainty of how others react to me. This indicates and confirms how much I have defined myself outside of myself, through others. I have placed much importance on how others react to me...maybe because I have been hurt in my childhood from receiving negative feedback to my natural self-expression. Even that hurt was caused because I placed an emphasis on how others think of me...at this point I'm feeling like I'm getting ahead of myself and getting too deep too fast.

Reeling it back a little: my automated response of self-judgement is the layer behind the automated response of nail biting. So, somewhere along the way, I have decided that I can hide my worry/self-doubt behind my nail biting....maybe nail biting was my coping mechanism as a form of distraction from my internal worry about how others perceive my expression. I don't like to see how I've separated myself in this way because it's an act of self-distrust. Boom, so that could be the source of the pain. Okay going deep again, bear with me.

I didn't trust myself to be confident within my expression, and that pain point was self-inflicted. Now I'm thinking that through childhood ridicule, I projected that self-inflicted pain. Others were just exploiting the weakness that I brought onto myself to show me who I have become. This could even be how/why I began emphasizing my externalized self-definition. Self-distrust snowballs. Writing and self-forgiveness are going to be how I make sense of this nail biting habit and release the automated programs of self-judgement.

I commit myself to walking through the difficult self-honest, self-exposure required to become really intimate with myself and really know myself and really change myself. Thank you for reading.

Day 229 - Self-initiated post about Nail Biting

In my past blog posts about nail biting, I was reacting to my nail biting. It was kinda of a self-anger that pushed me to write so that I could stop. The curious thing here is that I have always cycled between desire to pull away a thread of nail with my teeth (I know, weird), and the frustration of pain when I've take too much. From the physical pain or the pity pain from looking at my unattractive nails, I move into self-anger, and a desire to change / a frustration that I haven't or won't or can't.

So, with this post I am writing about nails on my own will. I realize that there are a ton of points within nail biting that contribute to this addiction, so I must disentangle the net gradually. But if I don't write, I won't build the foundation that I need to stop this cycle between enjoyment/desire of biting vs. anger/pain of biting too much.

Haha, as if! - flickr cred

And begin:

I realize that there are layers to nail biting and that this habit is much more than just nail biting. Sometimes it's merely an outlet for anxiety, and what triggers that anxiety require their own, yet integrated, investigation. Sometimes I commence a chewing motion because I feel roughness or even just feeling the length of my nails causes a reaction within me. It's interesting how strong this reaction is, that even when I am conscious, I will still consciously move my hand to my mouth to "fix" the problem.

That last sentence brings up two points: 1) I often begin biting my nails within a reaction that seems to skip my conscious awareness. 2) I believe that I can fix my nail roughness/impurity, by biting. When in reality, it is the biting that causes the roughness/impurity.

Both very interesting dynamics. They're like riddles that I comprehend, but haven't yet solved. It really does often seem like I just suddenly become aware that I am biting my nails after 5-40 seconds of doing so, but common sense tells me that I am my body and I am aware of me. So in order to not consciously aware of the nail biting movement, I must be suppressing a subtle moment of decision. And this moment has become subtle through my repetitive participation. It's very much like I have encoded myself, and the decision to bite is already made. That leads me to consider if this internal battle to stop biting my nails is even real.

This interview Only this ONE last Time... on EQAFE was my first exposure to the perspective of that internal battle/friction that arises when trying to stop a habit. I recommend it to anyone addicted to anything that's trying to stop. There is a lot of additional perspective I have received through all of the Desteni material and from the community on the forums. The concept of self-honesty is widely applicable and quite the challenge to master. The goal of this entire Journey to Life is to build self-trust and become self-honest within every breath. From there, common sense (that which is Best for All) is more easily applied.

My nail biting habit requires dishonesty because my starting point is not pure. I have all kinds of reactions and suppression that are buried within it. And it's not so much that the nail biting in itself is 'bad.' One of the more helpful realizations I picked up from Desteni and keep coming back to is:

It's not what you do, it's who you are within it.

So the challenge of self-honesty is accepted. And through self-forgiveness, I will unravel and reveal my decision processes that I have suppressed into my subconscious. With an accumulated perspective, insight, awareness of self, I move myself through and into self-change.

Okay. I have found my ground, and will begin to dig in the posts to come. The nail biting point is going to be walked thoroughly because I'm serious. It's time to start working with the character dimensions :)

Day 226 - Nail Biting: Failure

OK, I'm going to dispel a layer of resistance I've been facing with regards to my nail biting habit. Since my first attempt to stop biting my nails 210 days ago (damn), I've experienced a limiting shame, discouragement, and embarrassment associated with failing in the stopping of my nail biting habit. I have been delaying returning to the point because I've been waiting for some external help, knowledge, or just becoming more effective with my self-forgiveness.

And that's another point, I blamed my ineffectiveness on my weakness within self-forgiveness. Man, that's an ugly sentence. And the one following shows how my shame has been limiting me in refacing this point. AND that sentence show's my reluctance still yet to take responsibility for myself. I blame the shame, and go into delay. It's a 'mental route,' if you will, that leads me back into enslavement. I'm beginning to grasp just how dangerous blame can be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that through manifesting my fear of failure by allowing my participation within the emotions of shame, embarrassment and discouragement, I have been justifying my reluctance to face this point more thoroughly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become unmotivated to continue my investigation of my nail biting because of how I think others would see me as a failure, or "taking too long" or "writing too much" about this point of nail biting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that by being honest with my self here, I am able to really walk this point in the necessary depth it will take to be effective, and in the process, other's may read the detail of my story How I actually stopped biting my nails.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of going deeper into my mental patterns and habits because of a fear of failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and justify the thought "If I am thorough, and fail, I am screwed."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am manifesting failure through the fear of failure based thought "If I really try hard, and fail, I am hopeless and all I've worked at through self-forgiveness is pointless." Ok, this is opening up. Amazing to actually see what self is thinking by placing it into writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the time to become intimate with myself through writing exploration of the various surface points that come up in relation to the "big" points that seem "impossible" to deal with. In this, I realize that I have not permitted myself a real shot because I want change to happen now, instantly, fast.

Realizing also, that I did in fact have backchat thoughts toward my initial attempt to stop nail biting on Day 14, 15 & 16; which was something like, "I'll span this one out over 3 whole days, so then it'll have to work."

When and as I see myself projecting how long it will take to change, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a subtle yet valid externalization of responsibility to time. I commit myself to the continual realization that I am responsible to living and changing me.

When and as I see myself desiring change to happen fast, I stop I breathe. I realize that change can only happen as fast as I allow, and that when there is resistance to change, further investigation is required. I commit myself to digging deep within the many layers contributing to my nail biting habit, and giving myself plenty of time and space to accomplish this. Thanks for this assistance Garbrielle.

When and as I see myself fearing that I will not be effective, I stop I breathe. I realize that through this fear, I manifest the result of that which I fear. I commit myself to the breath-by-breath walk of self-change, giving me plenty of time and space, and stopping only when the point is cleared and I am stable within the change.

When and as I myself thinking that "big" points are "impossible," I stop I breathe. I realize that there are multidimensional layers of mental relationships that I have placed within seemingly giant points, such as nail biting. I commit myself to not attempt to go for the quick and easy fix, but realize the amount of work and will that is required to STOP myself, AND THEN take the necessary steps to CHANGE myself.

When and as I see myself failing IF I were to try, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have entered the mental space and forgotten about my breath and the practical application of my physical toward an outcome that is best for all. I commit myself to never again letting fear of failure perpetuate my resistance toward a point for an extended period of time without an agreement with myself.

The specific emotions that come up in relation to how I judge myself for biting my nails will be continued in installments to come. Thanks for reading.

For some fascinating perspective that assist with the point of facing failure and self-change:
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/03/day-316-sensitive-souls-how-to-face.html