Day 418 - Blogging Everyday

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish my consistency with this blog because I am afraid of not being good enough in the public eye.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate within fear-based thinking when I consider writing a blog post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT orient to the real reasons for which this blog exists: openly shared self-support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the thought, "I don't need to blog today."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my process has evolved beyond blogging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify NOT supporting myself through posting to my daily blog, using nearly any excuse that my mind could come up with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand within excuses and justifications for why I am not participating in life to my highest potential, each day.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see me clearly, AND take corrective action to realign my living participation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait and require stimulus for me to get moving and make the decision to support myself with daily writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the thought "I can't do this."


--

I CAN do this.

When and as I see myself thinking "I can't do this," I stop, I breathe. I realize that my mind is now taking the wheel to steer me down a path of self-disempowerment. I commit myself to immediately stop this thought train, investigate the nature of my resistance, and move through it into an expression of "I can do this."

When and as I see myself formulating reasons, justifications and excuses, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I can be the directive decider of my living, instead of just allowing these classic mind-programs. I commit myself to waling real-time self-forgiveness on the reasons, justifications and excuses that come up in my mind for why I cannot do or be what is best for all.

When and as I see myself participating in any excuse for why I do not need to write my JTL blog, I stop, and I breathe. I realize that this blog will not write itself, and I commit myself to giving my best effort to write something everyday.

When and as I see myself resisting to write a daily post, I stop, I breathe. I realize that resistance arises from fear-based thinking, so I commit myself to exposing these fears to myself and moving through it.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow fear to direct me away from writing this blog.

I commit myself to remember the purpose of this daily blog. When and if this isn't clear, I stop, I breathe. I commit myself to re-investigate why I started this blog until it is clear again.

I commit myself to continue opening up dimensions related to why I may not (want to) blog every day, like laziness and other flavors of self-interest, until it is clear, and I am here, everyday.

Day 415 - Hearing or Watching Myself

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear listening to my own voice, to cross reference what I’m saying before sharing it with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on Garbrielle to vet my expression for me, and to have created our relationship to be this way in my mind – never letting her really know and understand that I want this of her because I’m embarrassed about this dependency relationship point because I know better and because Garb’s really independent and I don’t want to be seen as less than her – which I now see is one critical dimension of why I haven’t allowed myself to support and be supported in this relationship because I’m competing with her/others to validate myself, my standing in the world, in process, and in relation to my peers/others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am invalid, unworthy, “a zero”, an outsider, and someone who doesn’t have a voice, input, or impact in the direction of the world or my life circumstance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being impotent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust my expression when I go out on a limb.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear energy to determine whether or not I go for it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to hide myself behind my hands via fingernail biting because I am afraid that if others get a good look at me AND decide I’m unworthy of their acceptance, then I have lost big time; and that by hiding behind my hands as an underlying objective within nail biting is a deliberate self-sabotage point so that I cannot be truly judged as who I really am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear giving it my all because I fear being judged for who I truly am.

I commit myself to listen to reread my writings, listen to my voice recordings, and watch my videos.

Then, I commit myself to investigating any reactions, clearing them with SF aloud, and if anything still remains, I'll consider what practical edits would help me express the nature of what I am trying to say.

I commit myself to publishing myself much more frequently.

I commit myself to sharing myself with others, no matter how much ego-based resistance I generate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate resistance to sharing myself within and through my participation in egocentric comparison judgments.

I commit myself to just getting myself and my process out there. No fear.

I commit myself to understand that I amplify my efforts in process by sharing myself! Exciting times ahead readers!

Thanks.

Day 402 - The Perfect Writer Complex

"I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my process writing is not acceptable as perfection, and through this allow my inner critic to project a moment of self-judgment into the future - in this not realizing this as the purely self-sabotaging system of mind that this is - and choose to rather not write, so that I may continue to protect the fear that I am not walking my process effectively...and in this, not seeing or realizing how this fear is manifesting itself, nor understanding the impact of this in the bigger picture."

This opened up nicely for me last night. Again, I have access to the iPad tonight, so I'm going to continue with demolishing this particular self-sabotage construct that's been operational for far too long now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed when I sit to write because I don't feel that I will be able to produce writing that I will be proud of, especially in the context of anyone on the Internet being able to read and judge my writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value my effort in walking my process in writing based on how proud I feel about the end product, and how safe from others' negative judgments it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into fear ridden, conditional writing, where in my key focus is on how others will perceive my writing process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not write to unconditionally support myself and others within common sense sharing of my writing process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overcomplicate the blogging process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cycle and accumulate backchat as fear-based justifications in relation to why I shouldn't write a blog post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, IN MY MIND, create and define a more and more narrow structure for how my writing style and format should be, such that I get less and less confident that I am able to meet my own expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to measure and compare myself to my expectations of perfection, which are created through the mind projecting an ideal outcome, and then entertaining all the possible negative judgments that could be created about my writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to forget how to write comfortably, in an expression that emerges from my presence, my hereness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get wrapped up and invested in my cycling self-critical thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this to have gone on for this long without me realizing the simple solution of applying myself in a single moment.

This self application is a specific process. It's a process that I had clouded from myself through too much thinking. It's a simple process:

When there is a problem, I commit myself to here forward investigate it, ask myself questions, apply self-forgiveness and above all else, embody a solution oriented mindset. It's only when I began judging myself, and then double judging myself because of the problem. From there I would continue to elaborate on the problem, giving myself more and more reasons why I shouldn't write. If something is not working, raise a red flag, handle the issue with full attention and resolve to find the solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy with intellect and not realize that further participation in thought is not the solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand the consequence of entertaining the logic of the mind, which only served to dig my hole deeper, even though I thought I was smart by creating all these sound arguments for why I couldn't write to the level of perfection that would satisfy me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to evaluate my writing by any standard other than how effective it is in my personal process of supporting myself to move forward and transcend the mind constructs that hold me within a limited version of myself.

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed the belief to exist within me that if my writing is not of the utmost quality, then I will NOT be supporting myself or others according to the framework of what is BEST for all.

Ahh, I see what I did there. I distorted the phrase "best for all" into a point of self-sabotage wherein if my writing wasn't my best, then best not to write at all... Tricky mind-logic.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and justify the pressure to write at my most best, most perfect level of quality in terms of insight, realizations, phrasing, vocabulary, effectiveness, etc. - wherein this measure exists in separation of myself. In other words, I can and should write with my best effort, but here, no comparison exists because there is only myself, united with my best effort, expressing myself authentically. No second guessing and trying to cater my expression to a world wide audience, which in actuality is just a slice of my subconscious at that moment in time; meaning that I will only be catering my writing to subvert the possible judgments of one or a handful of those whom I'm imaging will read my writing.

See how convoluted that is? This is no way to express myself in real time through writing.

I will continue in the next post on a closely related point: the editing process.

Thank you.

Day 390 - Responsible Self Creation

A fascinating point opened up for me this week. In short, I've been walking process in separation of it. What does this mean? I've defined this Journey to Life / Desteni I Process as a thing that sits on the shelf, and so when I was walking down the aisle and saw it, I threw it in my shopping cart. Desteni became for me just another 'thing' that I could have a relationship with and so define myself by it. When you investigate the process that Desteni outlines, you will find that it is impossible to passively consume the information and call yourself a Destonian. It is very much a participatory process.

Now, on one hand, I could say that seeing, realizing and understanding this point was also just part of the process, and that would be true; however, on the other hand, this point is essential to walk my process effectively. So let's just say that it is a critical stepping stone. Let me elaborate a bit more.

The corrective application for this point is what is so fascinating about it. It is as follows: Self is referenced first, then the external is referenced. I know, right? Awesome. Before, when I was walking process in separation of it, what I was doing missing Self in the equation of living. Don't get me wrong: I had an ego/self-concept that was constantly considered, judged, protected, etc. But Self, here, was in the background while my consciousness called all the shots. So, now I'm practicing including Self in the equation, and one specific experience of how I do so is best described as a shift forward within myself.

Example: Slouched over, at my desk, reading this blog post. I notice myself. I ask, "where am I [within my body]?" I sit up straight. I take a breath. And then it's like I, within myself, move closer to my eyes. My peripheral vision is slightly more in awareness as is my body. From here, I can consider my reality more expansively than a moment ago. And this is just the beginning of responsible self creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is hard to be here, aware of myself within physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire escaping into my mind to avoid my responsibilities and furthermore hide what I am doing from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire an easy, automated way of transcending the mind, which is also accurately phrased as 'escaping the mind', wherein I now realize that this misconceptualization only feeds the mind and that I (Self) actually have to participate in process if this is going to get done.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to put forth the necessary effort to push through the resistances and fears that have long held me within my base set of personalities, and so perceptions, thus vastly limiting my potential to the point where it makes me sick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the realization of who and how I have been living as, with an unease of self-judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back within self-judgment, instead of moving forward in the realization that I now see the point, and I now commit myself to taking full responsibility for the point, and I commit to changing myself through living the corrective application.

When and as I see myself slumped over with my beingness shifted into the background, and/or I am reactive to my environment, not really considering everything INCLUDING SELF, I stop, I breathe. I realize I am here. I see where I am at within my daily responsibilities. I write. I create a game plan. I move myself.

This is my chance to responsibility create myself and reach my highest potential.

This is your chance too.

Just gotta walk the process ;)

Day 383 - Directing Uncertainty

In my last post, I started investigating my relationship with Uncertainty. Now, it's time to write out the process of changing it, and we'll see if anything new opens up along the way.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize myself as my nature in moments of uncertainty, and so allow myself to freeze up, become indecisive, and not take responsibility for directing myself in the situation that gave rise to the uncertainty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear uncertainty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself through desiring certainty, confidence, assuredness, safety, not realizing that within this desire, my starting point was a fear-based energy which is not who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am the fear-themed thought, not realizing the separation of self within and through the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself into a future projection and become attached to a desirable outcome, such that when I cannot be certain that the projection will manifest, I create a fear reaction that the projection will not manifest.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that living according to future projections is a breeding ground for fear. I commit myself to start shifting into moment to moment, commonsense consideration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the future projections, wherein the uncertainty of it ever actually happening is a threat to myself as an ego. If failure happens, then I am defined by that failure, and I forgive myself for allowing myself to invest myself into this belief system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself be failures and success, instead of realizing that who I am within failure and success, how I respond to failure and success, is who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create 'what if' thoughts to justify a limited existence of myself, such as justifying myself as fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "play it safe" when faced with uncertainty, by pursuing only what has a higher degree of certainty. I realize here how I've been taking more risks in other areas of my life to balance out this personality design. Example: Physical adventuring out into the unknown, balances psychological freezing up in the moment of making the first kiss happen. In this I am seeing that my fear of judgement from others weighs heavier in contributing to moments of uncertainty than does matters related to fearing for my physical well-being. This tells me that I still have a strong connection to the self-definition that I've built through the years in relation to other people in my world. This has to stop. I understand that my ego is not who I am, and yet I still fight to keep my ego alive...funny wording. As if the ego is actually alive!..hmmm. I haven't considered that I'm looking at my ego as a separate, living entity. It's an intricate system, yet it produces feelings and fears that feel real in the moments when they arise..

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that my ego is an intricate system that obeys rules that I have set, based on all my past experiences. I have been seeing myself as the ego as living and as superior to myself. I built it. I created it. I want it to last...I AM THE ONE that is making my ego seem alive. I'm giving my life over to it. Wow, it's like the most fascinatingly integrated program ever, but I see it now. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see how I am substantiating my ego with myself through all my acceptances and allowances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop the mind and direct my life from within my breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a belief that it is difficult or "impossible" to stop the mind, my trusted program that protects me from exposing myself to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist exposing myself to myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect and defend the idea of myself, where if there was a potential for others to see me negatively, I would resist interacting with them to keep my ego/self-image safe from discord. In this play out, I realize that the whole while I have been creating the discord I was trying to avoid, and 'what you resist, persists', so on goes my relationship with the programmed consciousness.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to bring myself into the awareness of what I've been doing to myself to the degree necessary to realize I must stop and change myself in relation to my participation within the mind, fear of judgement.

So the main point that presented itself today was that my specific system within uncertainty is related to fearing judgment of others onto self that would contradict my idealized self-image that exists in my head only, and has been created through future projections and past experiences of ego-validating moments with others. I realize that I this fear of judgement is substantiated in part by my own self-judgements, judgments toward others, and desires to be more than I am. To come: working on expanding my understanding of how and why I created these desire to be more than I am, to be better than others...yes. That's one of my original points walking into Desteni. I was a spiritual researcher, wanting to become enlightened and better than others to teach them all what's up. My ego drive went unfettered by me. This ends here.

photo source

Day 376 - Resistance Toward Redefining LOVE

For context, read my last post to get the opening context for how I am opening up my relationship to love.

I have experienced a bit of resistance toward this LOVE redefinition process, and I wrote about the resistance and accidentally lost that initial writing when I refreshed my blogger page. I reacted to this with discouragement and delayed writing my next post even longer. Self-sabotage.

The plan is now to continue writing about my resistance toward this point, but I'm going to open up even more dimensions to it than I did initially. Those points were related primarily to fearing what others and past lovers would think about me, my philosophy and the direction I'm taking in my life in relation to LOVE. My writing and forgiveness process within it allowed me to see that I'm the one judging myself, which has been very disabling in my areas of this journey to life process. Behind this self-judgment was a lack of Self-Trust, which structurally looks like I've been allowing myself to continue to define myself based on what others do/say/think in reaction to my expression. I place my trust in others to reflect and define myself, my worth, my personality. If it wasn't so 'natural', I'd say it's insane.

My personal experience with the word LOVE also plays a significant role. The feelings and emotions that I associated with love were never stable, so I could never say for certain that I loved another because the feeling did not stand the test of time. I even used to say, "my definition of love upgrades with every relationship." Interesting that I used the word upgrades, which shows me that I've been climbing for higher and higher experiences of LOVE within each of my relationships. More on this in the next post.

Love as it is defined in various movies and media is really a peculiarity. They often depict the moments where that human emotion is strongest, and then there is some conflict, and then LOVE perseveres in the end. So now our culture has become obsessed with finding their happy ending. Reality is so much different, and yet we prefer ignorance because of a mental phenomena that allows us to quickly overlook reality before we even realize that it's real, and so go on with the delusion that feels right, that feels good. Self-Honesty would be to not overlook reality, no matter how much you may want to.

Another reason I was resistant toward writing this post is because I don't know enough about LOVE. "I'm too young. Too inexperienced. Too biased. Too detached." This general design of not knowing enough, or not being good enough is without question a mind pattern that must be stopped. It's rooted deep inside of my mind through my constant participation within it throughout my life. I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I'm not good enough to be able to accomplish many things, and for that I forgive myself.

From here, I realize that I create today fresh. Unconscious belief systems that tie me to my past conditioning are serious mind problem, and I choose to let them go through self-forgiving. The resistance I've built up to writing about LOVE is unacceptable. I let it go. I don't need to have perfect coherence and solid tie ins to the title within every sentence. This is surely a limitation on my self-expression in writing. Is limiting myself through judgments and rules an act of Self-Love? What is Self-Love? I'll continue with this in my process of redefining LOVE.

flickr photo credit

Day 361 - Enjoy the Process -OR- Focus on the Outcome

In Desteni, there are many tidbits of wisdom that can be breeze right through one's mind and not take hold. Today's topic is one of them:

Enjoy the Process

My initial relationship to this phrase was, "Yeah, sure, will do. Why wouldn't I?" And that relationship stuck with me for quite some time, and it wasn't until now that I realized the need to redefine this relationship for myself. I have been missing the point. Within my shallow acceptance of this phrase, I skipped over the practical application of it in my life. I hadn't taken the time to even see where/how exactly this phrase could be integrated as a self-support application. Well, now I see it.

I was discussing my progress, or lack thereof, on an DIP Pro assignment with my support buddy, and one of the points that came up was how I wanted to have the assignment done correctly, if not better. This is a familiar personality design I have known as myself for many years: The perfection character. To stop my inner perfectionist from sabotaging my progress, I'm beginning today with peeling back the layers of mental schemas that compose it.

Problem:

• I create an ideal outcome in my imagination
• I get attached to that perfect outcome
• Desiring to define myself by it
• In fear of failure, I shut myself down before even trying
• Fearing to define myself by/as a failure

Solution:

(here is just the initial session of SF statements and corrective application statements - more to come!)

• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for allowing myself to be overwhelmed, not realizing that within this judgment, I separate myself from the point and further disempower myself to stand up from within it, taking responsibility for it, and change.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay and procrastinate my responsibilities because I fear not having the perfect outcome, that I want to define myself by, instead of getting to know myself in exploring my expression of myself in the process of accomplishment.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing that which I created in a surreal and ideal dimension of my mind, not realizing the extent to which I allow this fear to direct my life.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to define myself by my magnificent accomplishments, not realizing the polarity energy of fearing to be defined by my failures, and how I allow these energies to make my decisions for me, all based on my own mental math to calculate gain/risk for me as ego.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this decision formula, and to have allowed myself to participate within it, unchecked, for so many years.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand how I have been creating myself through calculated, ego-serving mental energies.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to fully participate with Desteni and apply the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and corrective application, which I understand are in my best interest but have for too long decided that my energetic mind reality is too powerful.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as inferior to the sway of my mental-energy programs.
• When and as I see myself in a moment of resistance energy, I stop I breathe, I realize that this energy is not real in the context of physical reality. It is no more than my own creation, and it has only as much power as I allow it to direct me. I commit myself to stand up from within this energy experience, stop it, breathe, give myself direction in a way that reflects who I want to be (from the perspective of eternity). I move myself and I make decisions that I could live with forever. And when and as I see that I do not, I stop I breathe and I investigate the relationships in every detail.
• When and as I see myself in separation of myself through judging myself or my decisions, I stop I breathe. I realize that the solution isn't so easy as self-judgement -> guilt. I commit myself to realigning my beingness with that decision, to take responsibility for it and face the consequences, so that I can actually produce lasting self-change through the process of accumulating insight and self-trust in applying that insight.
• When and as I see myself procrastinating, I stop I breathe. I realize that my choice to procrastinate has been linked to my fear of failing to reach a desired outcome. I also realize within this that this mental reality always stops at the end-point of failure...meaning I've been basing my internally constructed reality on a timeloop. When a failure occurs in reality, I can then make the choice to try again until I succeed. I commit myself to give it all I got! And when fear of failure programs activate in the mind, I commit myself to recognizing that end-point that seems to be the end of the world, and breathing through it, moving myself into physical participation.

Reward:

• Less anxiety - no more dreading an undesirable outcome
• Enjoying life - life is a process, not a reward at the end
• Productivity - from stagnating within mental loops, to moving within self and the world outside
• Supporting others - most effectively accomplished when the process of change is considered

So now, just need to do is apply some common sense reasoning, and presto! The obvious choice here is to walk through the energetic impulses and attachments to outcomes. As hard as that may seem in some moments, those are the critical moments from which I must stand up and stop the pattern. Who I am is equal to the sum of who I am in every moment, every breath.

Day 360 - Full Circle

360°

When you turn three hundred and sixty degrees, where do you end?

At the beginning. At the starting point.

I've been experiencing many different forms of resistance in writing this post. I haven't yet given myself the time to self-honestly look at each form because I keep allowing the resistance to guide me away from facing myself. I must, I will...I commit myself to direct myself to write the specific self-forgiveness for the points with which I experience resistance toward writing in general, that I am still using to sabotage my process.

The connection I see here is how I've been feeling like I had at the very beginning of my Journey to Life. Before I started, I had very specific backchat that would come up in my mind that convinced me that I should just put off writing and participating in process. To not face myself is so easy. I have the vision of accomplishment, I sit to do the work, resistance comes up, and I go watch an episode on TV, or eat cereal, or play a game, or go socialize, really anything that I can just exist without having to question who I am...

That's pretty intense to write out. The purpose and reason that I started writing this blog was to start seeing the truth of myself...the very thing that I resist. I know I need to see all of me, take responsibility for each behavior I have in every relationship, especially if I don't like it. Only at this point of self-honesty can I stop and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to burrow deep into layers of resistance to not have to face what I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and my writing before I even begin writing and not realize how this is a self deception and self sabotage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my excuses and justifications aligned with the resistance energy are valid and worth following.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must write with a specific style so that I can please my readers with a delightful digest of my self-expression, forgetting that I am writing for me,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall back to the beginning and forget that I must continue to push myself to write and face myself, in every moment here forward, until it is no longer a push, and I stand stable, living what is best for all within equality and oneness.



It amazes me how I can just go into a time-loop like this. Meaning, where I shift into a perspective or personality for a certain amount of time and forget about the bigger picture. We all do it. I see it in everyone around me. It's like we all live in extended moments of limited experience, going from one to the next. We react to our environment with thoughts, and then we react to those thoughts, and BAM!! In it again. "One more round of pre-determined experience please!"

So, I dedicate today to realizing not only how I've time-looped my past 360 days, but also how I time-loop in my day-to-day living, as well as time-looping in my hour-to-hour and minute-to-minute...dare I say breath-to-breath?

I commit myself to bring myself back to the moment of presence, here, to check myself and take a look at how I'm looking at things. When and as I see that I am within a perspective that doesn't support what is best for me, I can be damn sure that I'm not operating within what is best for all, so I commit myself to then direct myself to right about the perspective based in limitation, so that I may begin to open up new dimensions of understanding myself.

When and as I see myself judging myself before I start writing, I stop I breathe. I realize that it's just an excuse based within a resistance feeling-energy. I commit myself to write about the specifics of my experience of that resistance energy before too long, while it's still here, so I don't hide it from myself. Within this, I realize that I must practice and become more disciplined to write and see me self-honestly, but within this, I commit myself to not use this realization as a backdoor to not give my full effort within my personal process of developing self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into thinking that "my process will take a long time, and I will fall a lot, so it's okay when I fall, it's to be expected, don't worry, it'll all work out in the end." No! This process is not the automatic, push-play and sit back kind of deal that I've been hoping it was.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to wish and hope that my process to self-honesty would unfold naturally and without much more effort than the initial decision to walk it. In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to walk each step of this process in real time, with myself, here, within and as each moment, every breath, the whole way through. I do this. I walk myself out of my time-looping mind programs. I direct myself to be a responsible care taker of myself and this world in doing what is best. I commit myself to end every time-loop I have created, even if it takes me 40 years to do so.

photo: deviant art

Day 356 - Redefining 'Acceptance'

My partner and I were discussing and coming to an agreement on how we define the word 'trust' when I got hung up on the word 'acceptance.' She was using the word in a way to take responsibility for where we are in process. To me, I had for a long time been using the word 'acceptance' more in the context of what I do not 'accept and allow' in/as/of me. So I had placed things in my mind in two categories, what I do accept and what I don't accept.

Now at first, I had on my 'I am right' hat (character), and I was fighting more to make her see how I use the word 'acceptance', which is more to describe what I do not accept. And she was trying to show me how I was creating friction and conflict through only defining the word within polarity. Eventually I realized that I had to hear her perspective and consider it equally as my own. At that point, I dropped my barriers and started to really listen to the point she was raising.

Once I started seeing her perspective that by separating myself into what I do and don't accept, I encourage the split-self syndrome (new term :) and essentially judge the parts of myself that I don't like or don't want to accept. The result being that I am disempowered to change myself. So then I had to reconsider and investigate how I was defining acceptance within the context of her definition. She was making the point that we have accepted ourselves to be a certain way, and that only through acceptance of what I am can I stand up and change myself. I reconciled our definition conflict through bringing in the time component, where I accept my flaws, but only for the moment until I do the writing and self-forgiveness to reach the understanding that is needed to proceed to produce real, consistently applied change within myself.

To clarify my original perspective, I did not accept and allow this world (me, her, you, them, us) to continue as it is unchanged. That was my frame of the definition for 'acceptance' that I had solidified over time. This definition made sense for me and was also reinforced by passing as a point of motivation to walk my process and become an effective and responsible leader...that I do accept.

Now, I do see and realize that I have accepted and allowed this world (her, me, us, them & you) to exist the way that it does, AND with that realization, I take responsibility to move points into practical, corrective application. The difference is subtle but so significant! In the first case, I am defining all my relationships within polarity. In the second case, I define myself in relation to everything in such a way that I give myself the chance to see my responsibility within it, and then the ability to change and correct the points within myself first becomes available as a movement of self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I have separated myself into aspects that I do and do not accept, not realizing the self-judgment within and behind this.

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to project this 'acceptance' judgment system onto others, whereby doing so, I do not see the nature of my reactive judgments in their true light as self judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically believe that I have the correct definitions within all of my words. This false assumption is based on my inner over-confidence which is a pattern that needs correction because through it, I am currently placing value in being dishonest with myself to protect that pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question my own process of coming to knowledge.

I trusted my knowledge integration within every moment of my past learning. In the process of realigning from self-interest to best for all interest, I am finding that much of the knowledge and information that I have was acquired through a tainted filter of ego perspective. When I consider all angles and choose what is best, it takes an effort. All the angles don't automatically get added into the equation. So, I commit myself to investigating more angles than just my own, and within this, I commit myself to expand my capacity to consider more and more angles and begin to consider the bigger picture.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to look at information objectively, instead of placing value in it and in myself for possessing the 'valuable' knowledge and information. Through a more objective starting point perspective, I will more clearly be able to direct myself and choose what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take all the information that I have for granted and not consider the means and methods with which I integrate knowledge.

When and as I see myself protecting my preexisting knowledge and information, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must consider all angles before I can trust myself within any one point of knowledge. I commit myself to redefining every word with which I have a charged relationship.


Updates to come.

Day 351 - Attached to the Memories of My Habits

There are so many points to write about and realize, and I'm just delaying the whole process because I'm stuck in an emotional relationship to my past choices and unwittingly perpetuating destructive patterns because I haven't really forgiven myself specifically.

Writing is not a habit that I can afford to stop. I have seen how much I'm progressed through writing, why stop now? I have been writing less consistently for awhile now and in general I see it is because I'm stuck in memories. My past contains memories that are familiar in respect to who I am in relation to my environment. So, my comfort zone is literally composed of memories. In this process of self expansion, I have to let go of my familiar, comfortable relationships to people/places/things to discover who I am in relation to the new and unfamiliar people/environments. And I'm now realizing that it's not just expanding my relationship to various nouns, it's also letting go of and discovering new: verbs!

Changing a habit or two can change your entire life. I am finding myself in a position where I have the tools to change all my habits from self-interest based to best for all based. This will not just change my life, but will also have a significant ripple effect. Leading by example, with the example being a consistent, principled living, with the principle being to act in the best interest of all. But I've gotten ahead of myself before, and I recognize this haste pattern, so I commit myself to slow down, and walk a physical timeline that is in alignment with this principled living. Firstly, I have to change one habit. Funny, you'd think that'd be obvious.

I am now making a decision to change one fundamental habit that will most certainly make my life easier: Giving up.

There are many, many moments for which the decision to uphold a new habit, or shut down a bad habit, must be applied. This is the area where I stumble. I understand what it would take to change myself, but I don't yet have the practice to confidently stick to the commitments I make. This plays out most severely in my relationship with nail biting. Alcohol was the first habit I stopped, but with this point my memories were already mostly seen in a negative light. Stopping consumption of donuts wasn't very difficult because it was so specific...interesting. With donuts, my starting point was to test myself, and although I have been successful, I still occasionally pursue other sweets to satisfy that sugar craving. Stopping porn was a bit more stubborn, but once I was clear in my relationship to it as intentional disillusionment and saw how it was affecting my relationships with real life women, I stopped it permanently. (For more support with stopping porn, check out Porn+Alt+Delete)

What can I learn from here? Where exactly am I stumbling? It appears that the successful implementation of a new habit depends on a few factors, some of which include specificity of the new habit, comprehensively understanding the motivations of the old habits, as well as understanding the basis of the new habits. Through writing, I commit myself to slow down and expose my existing habits and all relevant components thereof, AND I commit myself to write the specifics of the new habits, to be clear within myself of the alignment and choice to follow through with a permanent self change.

I'll expand more on changing habits in the days to come. I am currently walking through nail biting, and procrastination (still)<--note: self-judgement. And I have to walk the physical process of writing, accepting my current state, so that I may choose to stop allowing what I've been accepting. The beginning and the end, together as one, the key to self-change. Remove this self-judgement, for in a stance separation, I am disempowering myself to be able to direct myself as one and equal with all parts of me that I have been accepting and allowing.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge myself through a perspective of knowing what I should be doing, while my physical participation doesn't cooperate. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate myself, within myself, into and as an idealized concept/image and a real/physical. Within this, I realize that I am creating a friction and frustration from the mind perspective of the image/ego, looking at myself in the physical, in separation, and seeing inconsistency. I commit myself to take a breath and move within the realization that I am my physical body, instead of just judging myself and creating friction and then getting no where.

I commit myself to take the necessary step and do what it takes to produce real, lasting self change. Step by step, I forgive and release my inconsiderate, self(only) interested personalities and habit sets, to align my living, physical application and habits with what is best for all.

Day 282 - Self-Judgement Quicksand

While driving the 6 hour trip down to Santa Barbara, CA for a final visit before my remaining friends graduate, I listened to several EQAFE interviews. This one called Omnipresence of Self Judgement really stood out in terms of the descriptive visuals of the experience and dynamics of self-judgement.

In my own language, I conceptualize the judgements of myself feeling like quicksand. At first I wanted to say 'like cement,' but that word implies more of a hopelessness. Specifically, this comes up for me in the moment before I might assert myself socially or professionally. Instead of taking a breath and just speaking what I want to say, I find myself sinking backward into the center of the quicksand of my mind. The more I fight with myself in my mind, the fast I build up the resistance energy into a complete unlikelihood of speaking up.

cc

Even asking for assistance, sometimes I'll get choked up within the same way. Quicksand is deadly! And self-judgement has been deadly in my social/professional life. This is not acceptable. Today marks the beginning of a new awareness venture: How do I judge myself?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to freeze up in a moment of interpersonal interaction and continue within my mind domain through various negative backchat related to how or why I shouldn't assert myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate my relationship to my mind and internal reactions when I experience a fear of speaking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my own inner dialogue instead of participating in reality in being here with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wander into potentialities that I create in my mind and not realize it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will fail if I am to assert myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define failure in such a way that it feels like it would be the end of me if that failure were to happen. Within this there is a fear of embarrassment that comes from having to uphold a reputation or external definition of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to take the safer route by not asserting myself at all, in this defining failure as a worse than not trying...which is a guaranteed failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my failure by inaction, so I do not have to recognize the failure consequence, and in this protect my 'shy' personality and remain within the belief that to try and fail is more scary and not worth it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that success only comes through failing, learning, and trying again. I only ever really fail when I stop trying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not try, and to justify that within fear based backchat, and to believe those justifications are valid.

When and as I see myself going into my mind when in the company of others, I stop I breathe. I realize that I do not need to consult my inner self via thoughts to be able to effectively interact with my environment. I commit myself to giving myself the opportunities to try, to fail, and to learn and keep breathing.

--

I once read that the first step to getting out of quicksand is to be completely still..

Day 230 - Digging Deeper into Nails

cc: flickr

I received a comment on my post yesterday that got me thinking about how I have yet still to really consider who I am within my nail biting. I get that the actual nail biting isn't the source of the problem, and that's part of why my initial attempt on Day 14-16 didn't hold up. I was working within a reaction toward what I could directly see as "the problem,' which was that I was allowing my nail biting. I wasn't considering the layers behind it.

The point brought up in the comment by She who yesterday was working with the self-judgement that ensues from my nail biting. Indeed this is a layer of reaction that I need to let go of an stop participating in. While I was reflecting on that, biting my thumbnail and chatting with a friend online, I made an insightful connection between that self-judgement layer and a deeper layer of self-judgement. The relationship isn't clear, but I noticed that went I sent a text message to my friend online, I would be thinking about how it comes off to him, essentially worrying how he will react to my message. "Did it make sense?" was my most prominent concern. "Was it funny/witty?" "Would he respond favorably because of what I said?" Basically any thought pertaining to the successful continuance of a "good" conversation.

So, on the more apparent reaction layer of self-judgement, I have been getting lost in it and only seeing my nail biting habit through that layer. And within this connection of that layer and the deeper layer, I see that through really applying the concept of "who I am within it," my starting point of nail biting that is of anxiety (or at least one of the more common ones) is that fear of not being able to fit it with my word choice in a conversation. Nice, this is really opening up now.

Self-judgement on the deeper level has become an automated response to particular scenarios related to uncertainty of how others react to me. This indicates and confirms how much I have defined myself outside of myself, through others. I have placed much importance on how others react to me...maybe because I have been hurt in my childhood from receiving negative feedback to my natural self-expression. Even that hurt was caused because I placed an emphasis on how others think of me...at this point I'm feeling like I'm getting ahead of myself and getting too deep too fast.

Reeling it back a little: my automated response of self-judgement is the layer behind the automated response of nail biting. So, somewhere along the way, I have decided that I can hide my worry/self-doubt behind my nail biting....maybe nail biting was my coping mechanism as a form of distraction from my internal worry about how others perceive my expression. I don't like to see how I've separated myself in this way because it's an act of self-distrust. Boom, so that could be the source of the pain. Okay going deep again, bear with me.

I didn't trust myself to be confident within my expression, and that pain point was self-inflicted. Now I'm thinking that through childhood ridicule, I projected that self-inflicted pain. Others were just exploiting the weakness that I brought onto myself to show me who I have become. This could even be how/why I began emphasizing my externalized self-definition. Self-distrust snowballs. Writing and self-forgiveness are going to be how I make sense of this nail biting habit and release the automated programs of self-judgement.

I commit myself to walking through the difficult self-honest, self-exposure required to become really intimate with myself and really know myself and really change myself. Thank you for reading.

Day 169 - Got to get here quick! pt.5

I keep thinking about my afterthought from yesterday:

"It's truly fascinating to consider: how you spend your next breath is reflective of how you spend your entire life. Welcome Self-honesty."

Each breath is when I consider who I am in relation to every single breath, past and future. Current layers present themselves here in one breath's awareness of what's going on inside of me. For example: I have an urge to stop writing and play a silly time-wasting game, but I breathe and push myself to keep writing. This is a living self-direction, not instigated by a mental energy push or pull.

To stay on track and provide a concise version of what I was trying to capture yesterday and do the Self-Forgiveness on it, is less appealing than just moving on to the next point of how I want others to get here quick, but that will wait until tomorrow because today I push myself to stay focused and not hop around from point to point to point. This in itself is a point of anxiety, and it prevents me from writing out the depth that is required for me to really walk through a point in understanding and releasing it from existing as an automated function of my programmed beingness.

Ok, so yesterday I explained a bit about how I have been rushing through life and in that justifying procrastinating my day-to-day moments. It's time to work this out.

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I'm finding my self still awkwardly participating in this. As I have been delaying the writing my self-forgiveness for this topic for the bulk of the day. It really is true how an open point is intensified..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in my mind as self-doubt, believing that I won't be able to actually stop and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate this writing all day so that I would, again, be forced to finished during the final hour of the day.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not realize I've been compromising myself and my ability to freely accomplish much more by focusing on and delaying one point of work/application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place an importance/significance/value onto a task such that I develop a resistance relationship toward it instead of simply directing myself through to completion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify procrastination because I've planned to at least have whatever it is done by the deadline. This makes no sense. Why do I procrastinate simply because I can?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose sense of my time perspective, and thus my awareness of breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that each moment of every breath is indicative of who I am in relation to myself and my world. I can use this moment of awareness as a tool to self-discover my current program and stand up from within it to direct myself according to my will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing and from that create a relationship of resistance toward particular, 'important' work and nonsensically delay it until I have to do it, ultimately ending up compromising my work by existing with "oh well, I did the best I could given the amount of time I had (given myself) to complete it."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play as victim to time, when in reality it is I that is misusing time and responsible for saving work until the last minute because it's easier to stay focused because there is no other option.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose focus and stray off into a mental energy pull when faced with work that is not immediately due.

When and as I see myself moving away from my work, I stop I breathe and I give myself that moment to discover what is really going on here. I realize that I am compromising myself by allowing this participation in this energy and justifying it as valid or worth following without truly considering all the consequences. I commit myself to writing about resistances until I uncover what is behind each moment of allowed participation until I am undoubtedly self-directed in every moment within self-honesty.

When and as I see myself moving toward a time-waster when I am clearly avoiding work, I stop I breathe. I realize that if I really do not want to self-direct within responsibility in that moment, I must lay out an agreement for myself as some kind of strategy or plan to get back on track asap. Within this also, I commit myself to write about why I wasn't able to pull myself away from my time-waster. I commit myself to investigating all barriers to self-direction through writing.

When and as I see myself justifying delay because I certainly "will have enough time to complete it later," I stop I breathe. I realize that there is always more that can be done the self-honest responsibility of acting in the interest of what's best for all. I commit myself to practicing getting my daily-planned tasks done early, and giving myself the rest/break/reward after my duties are done instead of before.

When and as I see myself moving within an energy in relation to my work, I stop I breathe. I realize that even a positive experience toward work will have polar consequences and by simply directing myself through work within my breath is stable and will not need to be balanced out. I commit myself to investigating and developing my relationship with my breath so that I can recognize positive/negative relationship orientations toward work readily, stop them, and find a stability within self in relation to work.

Tomorrow when I wake, I commit myself to keep focused on my breath and my work pace. When and as I see the mental draw toward guilt-inducting time-wasting activities, I stop I breathe. I ask myself: Why? If? and How soon before I get back to my productive day plan. I realize that this process if a process and self-judgment is not supportive. I commit myself to supporting myself by stopping the judgement and thinking practically about my situation. I commit myself to catching when I move into a defeated character that just indulges in time-wasting so that I don't even have to face myself as/within being self-defeated.

I commit myself to "strength and honor."

I commit myself to stop hiding from myself. For example: No more repetitive indulgence to hide that I'm indulging. "Just one more video game round" "Just one more peanut butter cup" Just one more moment away from my work."

Whatever isn't clear, write. No more bs self-judgment -> back into same behavior repetition (i.e. fingernail biting) Grrr! < see, still self-judgment.

All for tonight. Thanks.

Day 166 - Got to get here quick! SF

This is a continuation of yesterday. I opened up / exposed a nice handful of working points yesterday and never really did the self-forgiveness specifically for the point related to the title, which is an anxiousness to get done with process. Instead I just anxiously hopped around, kind of dodging this point. Caught myself. What to do? What to do? Ah ha!

And begin:

I forgive myself for having accepted and and allowed myself to want to rush through and get this process of self-purification over and done with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the point of anxiety herein as an essential component of my current personality that can be dismantled and replaced with a more effective, stable expression of self in relation to completing work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ride the energy high of haste, not realizing that, in this, I've created a relationship in my mind toward doing work, where I've become dependent on this energy to complete work effectively. I can't even imagine what productive looks or feels like when I'm not within that mentally stimulated energy of haste...yes I can, looks stable, clean, just working without pain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate work with pain, and not realize that I've been using the energy of haste to cope with that negative experience of directing myself to accomplish work/tasks.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trying to imagine what it looks like to be productive without energy, not realizing that I am creating another relationships of separation from self-expression here. I realize that I may initially use these types of thoughts to identify who I am in relation to different parts of myself. I commit myself to patiently amalgamating all internal relationships, to eventually stand stable in my breath, here. Whatever that looks like is irrelevant. Imagining it is contrary to it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to create a stable relationship with myself within my breathing.

I realize this point of relating to process, needs to be cleared so that I may effectively walk within and as process. This process is a one and equal expression of and with myself. Ah ha. No more judgement. More more haste. No more ego. Where I fail, I see where work is required. I am doing this for me, alone. Breathe. Do not over-spiritualize process. It is a simple self-direction. I am simply discovering how I've created myself in relation to everything that I found pertinent in my life. This takes time. Breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make this process about others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not walk this process for me, ad me alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself in relation to others, for comparing myself to others, for getting distracted by comparison, for feeling rushed to get here faster...

When and as I see myself in a state of comparison of self and other in relation to walking process, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must assist and support myself within my process. I commit myself to stabilizing within process for self alone.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see how I've created a relationship with haste out of the relationship toward others and wanting to be superior.

Ok, I have found a large point (many dimensions), and plan to stick to it. See you tomorrow for the third installment of Got to get here quick!

Day 160 - Basis of Self-Leadership for 2013 and Beyond!

This is the end of 2012, and I have learned a lot about myself. The effort required to blog these past one hundred and sixty days has given me a more perspective on my life. It's been entirely worth it, and I can see me making it all the way to day 2555. It's like a concrete accountability for my self-realizations, and I can clearly see what I've walked out in writing and what points need more attention. It's been far from easy and automatic. There has been a lot of resistance to the writing process, usually in the form of fear-based thought spin-off. And the thoughts move so quickly that I can easily have trouble finding the source or whatever it is that I'm trying to hide from myself. That's why self-honesty is crucial. I am breathing and slowing down the thoughts so I can see myself in self-honesty. From this starting point I will establish a real confidence in my ability to lead. No more personality creation cover-ups. I'm done overlaying new personality designs over the fear and self-doubt.

This whole writing process is me leading me into the self-change that is required to overcome the obstacles of my self-interested programming of my mind. When I can clearly stand within the principle of what's best for all always, I will actualize true confidence within my walk of leadership for self and others so that we may all take responsibility for what needs to be done to actually bring peace to earth.

I realize that I must be able to lead myself before I can help lead the world, so I've identified some more leadership points that I've related myself to and defined myself within limitations and self-defeatism. And here is the forgiveness release to bring me into the new year:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to leave the present moment that is here because I fear that I cannot be strong, assertive, confident, and/or certain when I am participating in a group of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect fear to 'looking stupid/inadequate/wrong,' and thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my thoughts are more valuable than remaining present as I have created and compounded many memories of when my thoughts helped me to mitigate imagined fear play-outs of which I did not realize myself as the creator.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have been participating in self-generated fears to protect myself from them, not realizing that this process is not in my best interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize in each moment how and when I am in fear and with these fear-thoughts, create the fear to play-out in real life. I realize that I am manifesting my fears through the repetitive participation within them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am my thoughts and that I am so great within them, that I should follow them instead of the common sense reality that is here in all moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself as a leader because I observe others that are more 'carefree' and judge them as less than I because I am spending more time in thought of which I identified with within a superiority complex in being able to contemplate many imagined play-outs and chose the best one, not realizing that I am missing the moment when and as I move off into fear motivated thinking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear of other's not liking my ideas, not wanting to follow my lead, and/or putting down my ideas and so discrediting my position of leadership.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume that I can dodge these fears by thinking about them and figuring out a way to prevent them, and not realize that I was living in fear in this thinking process.

When and as I see myself participating in imagined fear play-outs so that I may try to mitigate the actualization of the fears I'm imagining, I stop I breathe. I realize and understand that I am actually creating the experience of fear by participating in thinking about ways to prevent the fear, as the starting point of my experience is fear. I commit myself to taking responsibility for all fear creation/experience and recognizing what I am doing so that I may apply forgiveness and live the correction as a new self-direction from the starting point of breath in doing what is best for all.

When and as I see myself in a frightened state, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can trace the origin of the fear thought-pattern through the process of writing with, in and as self-honesty. I commit myself to this process of writing and investigating my past so that I do not reactively create my future like a programmed organic robot.

When and as I see myself placing a dominating importance on my thinking process, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can effectively lead myself through life without living in fear, and through practice, I commit myself to figuring out how.

When and ass I see myself in fear of looking stupid or a variant thereof, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am participating in a design of fearing my own fear creations. I commit myself to stopping this illusion-to-reality enactment with mindful consideration of who I am within each moment of each breath.

When and as I see myself in one of the dimensions of leadership fear, I stop I breathe. I realize this is not who I am, and that I will not effectively mitigate the fear by participating within it. I commit myself to writing this all out for myself to see until it is done, and I live fearlessly with life.

Thanks to life, all and I.

Related Posts:

Day 141 - Establishing Self-Leadership

Day 159 - Lacking Leadership

Time is ticking, get serious with me and investigate what you've become so together we can disengage what we've collectively allowed within our world. End the atrocity. Look into how Equal Money System works and what the transition will look like.

Pic credit

Day 146 - Still Wasting Time

There is a moment in time where I can decide to direct myself or allow my mind to steer me towards enjoyment despite responsibility.

This is what I've been trying to capture, and based on Day 140, I thought I could map out all of what is contributing to my delay pattern, work it through in one solid burst of attention, and be done with it. Yesterday, I realized that I created an external pressure to work this through, and I was no longer doing it for myself. Even though I thought I was, I was suppressing the thought of being driven to perform because of this blog being public and my responsibility to the group to be effective. I had been missing myself in the equation. Now, as I write, I can tell that I'm in my words for me because I'm not mitigating and managing thoughts to appear a particular way. I'm just writing about what I had intended to write:

Why and how am I dodging responsibility in the context of not being utterly self-honest?

So, instead of trying to lay out every point as I did in Day 40 for delay, I'm going to simply move through self-forgiveness on the points that are relevant in this moment. Sometimes a list (like yesterday's fear of loss list) is beneficial just as a reference point FOR SELF. Not so others can keep watch on me and make sure that I've done what I said I would do...this is the externalized fear point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself place the importance of my process onto the perception of others and them seeing me as effective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I've been missing the point of self-honesty within my writing direction and thus compromising myself in accordance to my fear of being ineffective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ineffective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to attach fear to being ineffective, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize this design of manifesting my fears and allowing backchat thoughts. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed me to not realize the mind as safeguarding itself with backchat pertaining to a specific point, where I have not seen how I have been protecting my habits with the allowance of related, un-flagged thoughts to run as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be patient with myself in my process of actual self-change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush toward the future/end, that which I fear, in an attempt to overcome my fear by force, where the typical result is a fall accompanied by self-anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with myself for failing to achieve success when I have not given myself adequate time to investigate myself thoroughly.

From here onwards, I commit myself to persist through resistance and get up after a fall without judging self.

When and as I see myself rushing to complete a point, I stop I breathe. I realize that this process of self-perfection requires that I be patient and steadfast with myself and my application of forgiving the momentous manifestation of who I am today. I commit myself to providing the force of myself as life as all, within the application of myself in this process of decoding my mental accepted patterns that do not support me, here.

I commit myself to flagging self-anger and breathing as I stand up from it and immediately apply forgiveness on the related point that brought on the self-anger. I realize that this might need to be written down and that it will take practice to effectively apply immediate self-forgiveness. I commit myself to practicing immediate self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to persist in recognizing my fears that I have allowed as me, and to no get anger for what I see. Rather, I stop, breathe, and direct myself within the realization of what needs to be done in that moment.

I commit myself to bringing my process back to self.

Thanks all.

Excerpt from here

photo credit to Desteni Artists